Temporary? Insanity

1 cup Cream of Wheat
1 Tbsp Brown Sugar
7 Almonds
1 Banana
1 Ancient Grains Tortilla
4 Slices Sweet Mesquite Turkey
1/2 Slice Gouda (only 30 cal!)
1 Small Gala Apple
12 Wheat Things
1/2 Slice Jalapeno Havarti
To be continued…

8 days into February and 4 pounds down. February is my new favourite month. Better have a talk with Neil though. Valentine’s chocolates will be seen as sadistic sabotage and not the romantic gesture he might intend…

2 Slices Multigrain Toast
2 Eggs, scrambled
7 Almonds
1 Gala Apple
1 Ancient Grains Tortilla
4 Slices Sweet Mesquite Turkey Breast
1/2 Cup Butter Lettuce
1 Tbsp Cheddar Cheese
1 Cup Whole Wheat Penne in Marinara
1 tsp Parmesan
1 Cup Tossed Salad (butter lettuce, celery, cucumber, radish)
12 Baby Carrots
12 Cucumber Slices
3 Tbsp Roasted Garlic Hummus
One Banana
1.5 Mint Ovation Sticks

I wrote a post last week about choosing to be happy. Today, as I was sitting in church, the lesson that I’ve slowly been learning (and trying SO dang hard to live by) really sunk in. I felt overwhelmed by an awareness of my Heavenly Father’s love for me. That He wants me to choose to be happy. That He has arranged things to make that possible. He provided a way. Not just a way to be happy (but yes, it is that), but a way to return home.

So today I have not just eaten well. I have lived well. I have loved well. And I am so overcome by gratitude that it simply had to spill over somewhere.

1 Cup Cream Of Wheat, Instant - Prepared With Water, Without Salt
1 Tbsp Brown Sugar
1 Navel Orange
7 Almonds
1 Ancient Grains Tortilla
1/2 Cup Butter Lettuce
4 Slices Sweet Mesquite Turkey
1 Small Gala Apple
1 Slice Multigrain toast w/1 tsp butter
1/2 Chicken Breast, Roasted, No Skin
Corn On The Cob - With 1 tsp butter
1/2 Cup Mashed Potatoes
1/2 Cup Strawberries
1 tsp chocolate sauce
2 Tbsp Cool Whip
12 Baby Carrots
2 Tbsp Roasted Garlic Hummus

January 1st: 210.2
February 6th: 206.6

2 Slices Multigrain Toast, no butter (I miss butter)
2 Eggs, scrambled
1 cup Canned Peaches, syrup drained
1 Gala Apple
7 Almonds
1 Ancient Grains Tortilla
4 Slices Sweet Mesquite Turkey
1/2 Cup Romaine Lettuce
1 Berry Fruit Leather (45 cal)
1 Chicken Breast, Roasted no Skin
1 Cup Butter Lettuce
1 Tbsp Sundried Tomato Vinaigrette
1/2 Slice Chocolate Cake
12 Baby Carrots
2 Tbsp Hummus

This might become a regular thing here at Temporary? Insanity OR I might be so embarrasssed that I never share my work ever again.

In other words, be nice in your comments please or I will accuse you of KILLING my dream.

Ahem.

Random Scene That Popped Into Kim’s Head With Many Missing Bits That Will Be Filled in Later (there are no actual characters as yet - the sound was on but the picture was fuzzy):

Student: “I have an intrinsic understanding of the space time continuum you know.”

Teacher: “Is that so?”

Student: “Oh yes. It’s a gift really. My parents say that I’m a miracle child. And while I’ll admit they do sound slightly sarcastic when they say it, I often see dumbfounded expressions on their faces so I know that deep down they really mean it.”

Teacher: “Those expressions might just be shock at your lack of shame.”

Student: “Why should I be ashamed of my gift?”

Teacher: “I meant the way you use your so called gift as an excuse to try to get yourself out of trouble.”

Student: “Not so much an excuse as an explanation. And this did all start with you demanding that I explain myself. I fail to see the problem.”

Teacher: “The problem is that you’re two hours late for class.”

Student: “Like I said. Space time continuum.”

Teacher: “And that explains your tardiness how?”

Student: “As one of the few human beings with the ability to truly comprehend the effects of space time and the non-linear nature of time, how can you expect me to kowtow to mere minutes and hours? They mean nothing! Time is a spiral! A pool! A wave! A wibbly-wobbly line circling back and over and into itself!”

Teacher: “Wibbly wobbly?”

Student: “I’m dumbing it down for you.”

Question: Is the above only funny inside the confines of my own head? I have a slowly evolving idea for a novel for teens that involves being absurd, witty, and sometimes downright hilarious and I’m wondering if I can pull it off…If you think the answer is no just smile and pat me awkwardly on the head or something…

2 Slices Multigrain Toast (50 cal each)
1/4 cup Egg Whites
1 Small Gala Apple
7 Almonds
1 Turkey Bacon Sandwich w/lettuce, no condiments
2 Doughnuts (Note to self - do not get sandwiches at the local doughnut shop anymore, no matter how pressed for time you are)

I promptly drank a litre of water when I arrived home, ’cause you know that’ll totally wash the fat and sugar away before it can stick…

3 Homemade Chicken Strips (chicken breast, egg, seasoned bread crumbs - baked in oven)
1/2 cup Mashed Potatoes
1/8 cup Swiss Chalet Sauce
6 Broccoli Spears, Steamed

12 Baby Carrots
8 Cucumber Slices
2 Tbsp Roasted Garlic Hummus

Once upon a time ago I worked at a furniture store. Getting the job was something of a miracle, as I was painfully shy at that point in my life and my job searching tactics included 1) Constantly rewriting my resume and 2) Never giving it to anyone. I pretty much sat around draining my limited scholarship money at an alarming rate (mostly I spent it on clothes that I shrunk in the wash a week later - so sad), hoping that a job would land in my lap.

Imagine my shock when one did. A fellow at church stood up in one of the meetings and said the store he worked at was looking for a receptionist and anyone who was interested should talk to him about it. I seem to recall my friend Jo poking me in the ribs a couple times. Hard. (This is the same Jo who persuaded me to go on the trip during which I met Neil - I owe that girl big time) I eventually got up the nerve to talk to the guy, gave him my phone number, and the next day his boss called me.

At this point I theorize that alien body snatchers temporarily possessed my body because I was BRILLIANT on the phone. Relaxed and witty I had the manager of that furniture store chortling. Not just laughing, CHORTLING. We arranged an interview for the next day and he didn’t so much interview me as give me a tour around the place and then at the end of it asked me what I thought of my new place of employment (I loved that guy…such a great sense of humour).

Years passed and I stuck with the job, even though the people who owned and ran that company were NUTS. They didn’t believe in training people, you see. They tossed people into the deep end of the job and then stood around frowning and tsking if the poor drowing souls didn’t dog paddle quickly enough. There was no manual for the archaic computer system the company ran on, and the IT guy would peevishly tell people off when they called for help. Pretty much everyone at Head Office who you might call for help would talk to you like you were brain dead, when really, it was their lack of organization and training for new staff that caused most of the company’s problems.

I was loyal though. I loved my boss. I loved the furniture that we sold (and retain a keen apprecation for beautiful furniture to this day), and I liked how important I felt. Since there wasn’t a manual for the computer system, I slowly compiled one over the years. I cleaned out the back offices of the store (which were full of garbage, broken office furniture, and rat turds), washed each ball in the ball pit by hand, and ran the place with an efficiency that ensured it fell apart on my day off.

What got me thinking about that long ago chapter in my life is this Motherhood gig. The training is on the job. I feel pressed in by expectations, and beaten down by criticism. The need to develop a hugely diverse skill set at a moments notice has me so discouraged some days that it’s a good thing quitting isn’t an option. But what hit me yesterday as I was mulling all this over is that in the case of Motherhood, the snarky Head Office staff continually passing judgment are all in my HEAD. It’s me. I’m the jerk. I’m the one turning up my nose at myself, shaking my head and tsking over the fact I haven’t miraculously learned things I’ve never been taught.

That said, the opportunities to learn are here. To learn patience, playfulness, and unconditional love. To cook and bake edible and sometimes even delicious foods. To figure out just where to tickle my girls so they nearly pee themselves laughing. To learn to be the sort of mom who offers comfort instead of anger when her kids don’t get things exactly right.

I’m learning. This job is full of on the job training. But I don’t have to be impatient and snarky with myself. And I don’t have to let my inadequacies overwhelm me to the point of tears. I can smile and think how there isn’t an instruction manual for this job either. How I’m making it up as I go along.

And I can take time to smile and feel confident because of all the things I’m getting right. Edible meals (for the most part, anyway), happy and loved children who love each other, family prayer, daughters who love Jesus and yearn to see him again some day, a nice home kept reasonably well, a husband who has become one of my dearest friends, and a faith that pulls it all together and gives it all a deeper meaning for us.

Now if I could just get the hang of getting the laundry folded and put away…

Food Log - Wednesday February 3rd

2 Slices Multigrain Toast (50 cal each), no butter
1/2 cup egg whites
1 Tbsp Cheddar Cheese
1 Large Navel Orange
1 Banana
1 Dozen Baby Carrots
2 Tbsp Roasted Garlic Hummus
1 Small Ancient Grains Tortilla (100 cal)
4 Thin Slices Sweet Mesquite Turkey
1/2 Cup Tossed Salad
1 Thin Mint Cookie (there was one hiding at the bottom of the box…mmm…)
1 Baked Potato (no butter, no salt)
1/4 Cup Sloppy Joes made with Kidney Beans instead of Ground Beef, and with corn mixed in
6 Spears of Broccoli
2 Tbsp Cheddar Cheese
6 Cucumber Slices
2 Dozen Wheat Thins
1 Slice Jalapeno Havarti (Claira is on soy milk now and SO much happier - please don’t judge).
1 Candy Cane

1 cup Instant Cream of Wheat
1 Tbsp Brown Sugar
Dash of Cinnamon
7 Almonds
1 Gala Apple
2/3 cup Egg Whites cooked in Olive Oil Spray
1 Tbsp Cheddar cheese (I’m back on dairy, but limited amounts)
12 Baby Carrots
2 Tbsp Roasted Garlic Hummus

3 Kinder Surprise Eggs (110 calories each - ugh)<— Sort of thing I normally pretend didn’t happen (breathe Kim, breathe…do NOT hit the delete key…)
10 mini ginger snaps (100 calories)

1 Sundried Tomato Tortilla
1 Cup Tossed Salad (romaine, celery, cucumber)
1/2 Grilled BBQ Chicken Breast, Sliced
12 Yam Fries
6 Strawberries

15 Wheat Thin Crackers
1 Slice Jalapeno Havarti Cheese
1 Mini Candy Cane

Today was frustrating. I took Becca’s diapers away. Again. She peed in her panties repeatedly. Again. She seemed to be unaware and unperturbed by the fact. Again. I resisted the urge to remove the positive incentive/positive reinforcement system and threaten her sweet four year old self with all manner of horrors if she didn’t put her pee in the potty already. Again.

Again.

It gets a bit wearing.

And then I had an epiphany. This is no great thing really, as I’m so fabulous I have epiphanies ALL the time. Often, I have the same ones repeatedly, that’s how amazing and genius-esque I am.

Anyway, I was munching on some stale candy leftover from my plan to host a gingerbread house decorating party for my small children (which didn’t happen when I realized that hey, that would be work, work of the HARD variety), and I realized that I had no right to be angry with Becca. So she’s taking awhile to learn this lesson but people? I’m taking awhile to learn mine. I’ve been a binge eater for nine years now. Nine, long, slowly and sometimes quickly getting fatter years.

Ouch.

And yes, being overweight is more socially acceptable than peeing one’s pants, but still…the general principle is the same. We’re slow learners, my Becca and me. Whether we’re lacking in intelligence or just too stubborn to change is a matter of personal opinion (both in my case), but we’re both struggling and failing and striving and failing and giving up and failing all the more.

Eventually, Becca will learn to use the toilet but I’m done with eventually. I’ve been living in the eventually mindset for far too long. I’ve been pretending and hiding and I’m done with that too. So I’m coming out, as it were. I’m admitting it.

I am a binge eater. 95% of my life is spent eating fairly healthy (well, healthy compared to the North American norm anyway). I eat whole grains. I eat fruit and vegetables. I drink a gallon of water a day. And then that 5% of the time kicks in and I eat myself sick on junk food that I barely have time to taste nevermind enjoy. I eat it because I’m bored or stressed or depressed or just-because-it’s-there or, worst of all, because I feel this compulsive need to inhale all the bad-for-me food in the house so that it can be gone. Gone. As if taking it all into me will remove its power somehow. That I won’t hear the contents of the snack cupboard or the leftover Christmas chocolate I made Neil hide singing to me the way it sometimes does.

Mental, eh?

And that’s the thing. I am. But this blog, it’s been an amazing tool in my life. Here, as I’ve written long, deeply introspective (coughselfcentredahemcough) posts pouring out the contents of my messed up head, I’ve kept one thing back. This sickness. This need to binge. There’s so much shame bound up with it. Like confessing to an addiction. I’m admitting a complete loss of control (not unlike the lack of control currently being exhibited by my four year old…).

I’m not asking for advice. Yet. I’m just struggling to find the right words to communicate what a big deal this is. This admission. This putting aside of the mocking-my-fat-self and admitting to the core of the problem. The sickness. The compulsion. The addiction. Whatever label applies. Words aren’t enough though. Much as I love them, they never are. So I’m going to committ to something that terrifies me. I’m going to post every single day for a month. Starting tomorrow I’m going to post a record of my daily food and drink intake.

I already feel this horrible flush of shame at the thought. I’ve made attempts like this. Food journals exchanged between friends. Small side blogs with a half a dozen readers. Never anything this public. And never with as strong a feeling of resolve as I’m experiencing right this very moment.

I hereby grant you permission to harrass me if I don’t.

And heck, why don’t I just start today?

Food Journal - February 1st, 2010

2 Slices Whole Wheat Toast
1 Tbsp Butter
3 Eggs, Scrambled
1 Cup Sliced Peaches, drained of syrup
7 Almonds
1 Slice Whole Wheat Bread
1 Tbsp Peanut Butter
1 Tbsp Double Fruit Strawberry Jam
1 Gala Apple
10 Baby Carrots
2 Tbsp Roasted Garlic Hummus
1/2 Bag Microwave Popcorn
2 Thin Mint Cookies (would’ve eaten more but that was the last of the box, thank heaven)
2 Handfuls Stale Candy (yuck - why Kim? Why?)
1/2 Chicken Breast, Grilled in Carolina Honey BBQ Sauce
1/2 Cup Uncle Ben’s Chicken’n'Wild Rice Ready Rice
1 Cup Tossed Salad (Romaine, Celery, Cucumber)
1/2 Caramel Apple Fritter (Half! Only half! First time eating only half a doughnut since…well…since ever).

Some days, I feel like my ability to be happy has been taken away from me. There’s the classic wrong-side-of-the-bed syndrome, one-or-all-of-my-kids-is-being-a-brat-itis, the-scale-is-evil-and-WRONG-but-I’m-going-to-cry-anyway-osis, and all other manner of happiness robbing happenstances.

Yesterday was such a day. I fought it, and I fought hard. I tried to remain sweet and loving with my children, for Becca the birthday girls’ sake, but just shy of 5pm I sent them up to play in their room so I could have a good cry.

Claira was miserable most of the day, even outright inconsolable at times. I’ve given up milk, cheese, ice cream, yogurt, peanut butter, and broccoli, and yet whenever she has more of my milk the screaming begins. We’d previously ruled out chocolate, but maybe she’s just developing a sensitivity to it now. Or garlic. I’ve been eating a lot of garlic lately. And I don’t know why but that was the proverbial straw, watching her cry and thinking it might have been something I had done. That a choice of mine was hurting her like that. I just cried and cried.

And we had company coming over after supper and I couldn’t put her down. Couldn’t make supper. Couldn’t finish cleaning up. Couldn’t set the table and have everything nice and special for Becca. Couldn’t put up the streamers sitting in a grocery bag on the counter. Couldn’t blow up more balloons (silly to want to do that as Neil and I blew up a hundred of the darn things the night before). And my mind kept dwelling on everything I COULD NOT do.

Neil came home and comforted Claira while I raced about. And everything was fine and lovely and Becca had a fabulous time eating her pancakes piled high with berries and whipping cream. And our sweet neighbours joined us and we laughed and visited and had a grand time.

Then later I felt sick. The sort of sick that reminded me of morning sickness. The sort of sick I’ve been experiencing off and on for the past two weeks. I’ve dismissed it. There’s been tummy bugs going around. Probably just fighting one off. Or maybe it’s just that I’m run down. I’ve been overdoing it and my body is just protesting.

Or maybe…

And I just wanted to cry again.

And throughout the night whenever I woke up I was fighting that sea of nausea in my stomach, and watching the ceiling of our room spin. Dizzy spells while lying down always freak me out (and yes Mum, I tested my blood sugars and they ARE normal, thank heaven!).

I woke up this morning feeling better and also feeling determined to have a FABULOUS day. And as I bustled about this morning getting things done (instead of sitting on the couch moping or playing game after game of online Scrabble to slow down my racing thoughts), I had a sudden realization.

Happiness is a choice. It is not a choice that anyone or anything can take away from us, or even make on our behalf. When bad things happen, the choice is not taken away, it is simply made more difficult.

I had thought that when bad things happen, the choice was gone. I feel sick…the choice is gone. Emma’s being a brat…the choice is gone. My house is a mess…the choice is gone. That’s not true though. The choice is still there. Obscured somewhat? Yes. SO much more difficult? Definitely. But there all the same.

Guess what choice I’m making today? Go on, guess. Let the big ole grin on my face be your first clue…