Temporary? Insanity

I’ve been thinking a great deal about friendship lately. Having moved recently (it was in June – can I still say recently?), I’m in the process of missing old friends, making new friends, and trying to be a good friend to all.

I find it both bizarre and hilarious that in the course of making new friendships, when I mention my issues with shyness, lack of confidence and poor self-esteem, my new friends are incredulous. Kim? Happy, bubbly, thinks-she’s-funny-and-we-all-indulge-her Kim? No way!

There really are days when I don’t know who I am anymore. So many of the qualities and characteristics by which I once defined myself have changed, apparently permanently. I can carry on a (somewhat) intelligible conversation now. I don’t hide away at home and avoid any and all social situations anymore. I enjoy meeting new people, rather than dread it. I actually feel good about myself most days, and think that maybe, just maybe, I’m a person worth knowing.

These changes in my perception of myself haven’t just affected me, but those around me as well. I’m able to be a caring and concerned friend. Despite being -incredibly- selfish by nature, I find myself making time for others. I yearn to help and serve. I want to be needed by someone other than myself. It used to be that myself was enough. I need more now. I think this might be part of growing up…no longer a child needing constant attention and support, I’m able to -give- attention and support.

Like many, and perhaps all aspects of growing up, this is foreign, frightening, exciting and enthralling all at the same time.

In the past several weeks I’ve had multiple opportunities to give service. I get a laugh out of saying that service is actually a selfish pursuit, because of the warm fuzzy feeling it gives. I’m more than half serious when I say it though. There’s a lot of truth to the idea that in giving service, we serve ourselves most of all.

I’ve been filled with an awesome feeling of gratitude the past few days. I have been so blessed with opportunities to serve since moving here. I’ve been developing feelings of self-worth and confidence. Best of all though, I feel happy and fulfilled. For those of you who are old friends, you know what a big thing that is for me. For those of you who are new friends, it’s no surprise. The days of the morose worthless feeling Kim are now past, it would seem.

I know with a certainty that there will be days when I backslide. And those are the days when I will need you most of all. Because good friends lift each other up…always.