Temporary? Insanity

So much for posting on a daily basis. I’m so unreliable! And I admire reliability in others to such an extent that it makes it all the more painful when I see the lack in myself. Alas, a few mood swings and I’m off in la-la-land pondering the meaning and direction of my life. How ironic that whenever I pause to do so my life loses all meaning and direction!

I’m a dreamer. I don’t think there’s any word in the English language that describes me better. And I’m afraid I don’t mean it in that lovely poetic Anne-ish sort of way. I’m becoming increasingly aware that I’m dreaming my life away.

I taught a lesson last Sunday on setting goals. There was a lot of very practical advice in the lesson manual, as it was a very practical lesson. It wasn’t until I was in the middle of teaching it that the spiritual application dawned on me. Our Heavenly Father wants us to be goal setters. He wants us to plan, and act, and achieve – to grow and to fulfill the potential he sees in us. I felt inspired as I shared my feelings with my class. I had that heart pounding and swelling feeling I get when I feel the spirit intensely.

After church I went home, slipped into my pj’s, and cuddled up with a good book while the girls napped and until Neil asked what was for dinner. And now, here it is Friday, and I’m only just now remembering how I said in class that I was going to go home and write down what I want to accomplish. This week was going to be a week of change for me. Bye-bye lazy Kim, hello organized and motivated Kim.

Uh-huh. Yeah. Well…

Now I’m not going to go off on this big long tangent about what an awful slacker I am (if you’re a close friend, you already know that!), because hey, I’m human. We get inspired, we forget, we remember, and eventually we change. That’s the usual cycle and why get angry at myself for being like just about everyone else? I’m just finding it interesting to reflect on how quickly the feeling of inspiration can fade. Perhaps it’s human nature, or the pressures of the world, or the influence of “the evil one.” I don’t pretend to know the source of the phenomenon, I’m just taking the time to label it as one.

I love the story about the flock of geese that had a meeting, and one of their number had discovered how to fly and showed them all how to do it. And they flew throughout their meeting, and at the end of their meeting, everyone walked home. It’s a cute story, especially when told properly and not paraphrased like that, but it also can be very enlightening.

I don’t want to walk home anymore. I want to soar!

I think of all the things I wanted to learn and accomplish in life. And I think of the wasted hours, days, and even years (okay, I know I’m only 28, but still). It saddens me to the point that my heart hurts. And yet I know that tomorrow, I may have forgotten these feelings. I need to write more. In the lesson I gave, it was mentioned that our dreams are only wishes unless we write them down. There is so much truth to that!

I’m not going to end off with grand promises of what I hope to accomplish, or a huge long list of resolutions for the upcoming New Year. But I am going to end with one small hope. The hope that I’ll try.