Temporary? Insanity

If the title of this post makes sense to you by the time I’ve finished, I’ll consider this post a job well done.

I had the oh so rare opportunity to go shopping without my girls yesterday. It was an incredibly surreal experience. As I meandered up and down the supermarket aisles, smiling hellos to the various people I passed, I suddenly felt bereft of identity. Becca wasn’t sitting there in front of me, grinning her gap-toothed grin and charming all the other shoppers. Emma wasn’t attempting to tear into various food-stuffs, or shouting her greeting of “Morning!” to everyone.

Even as I basked in the deliciousness of freedom, I found myself feeling a little lost. As I loaded up on baby food and formula and other obviously mommy-like purchases, I put those objects where they could most easily be observed. I wanted everyone I encountered to know that I was a mom. I glowed with pride as the cashier rang in the various items I’ll be using today to make teddy bear cakes for Becca’s birthday tomorrow.

As hard and exhausting as motherhood can be, I don’t want to escape from it. This surprised me no end, because in all honesty, I’m more self-centred than your average mommy.

And I did enjoy my two hours. Much as I missed the girls, I had fun shopping for birthday presents, groceries, and a new square dancing outfit. Now this is where we come to the Large Skirt part of the subject line.

I fit into a large!

Some of you may know that I’m currently about fifty pounds overweight. I spent the entirety of my young adult life as a skinny wee thing, but stay-at-home-dom didn’t agree with me and I gave in to my tendency towards laziness and self-indulgence. I lost a little weight this year, and I can finally shop in a regular clothing store. But no extra larges for me yesterday! I now own a skirt, that fits!, with a lovely little “L” on the tag.

Ain’t life grand?

I was so excited that after I put the girls down for their naps yesterday afternoon I elected to much on baby carrots as a snack rather than some of the less healthy alternatives that were tempting me. And I came upon the smallest roundest baby carrot I have ever seen. It was a perfect little sphere about the size of a large marble. I couldn’t eat it, it was too nifty. Can I use the word nifty without sounding like a nerd? Mmm…probably not.

Sadly, I left the bag on my desk in plain view and our babysitter’s kids ate the carrot before I had a chance to show it off to anyone. Alas, it shall only live on in my memory…

The glory of fitting in a large skirt was short-lived. Neil had me try on the five square dancing outfits my Granny sent me so that we could send her pictures of me wearing them. While they did fit, square dancing costumes aren’t really the most figure flattering fashions going. Also, I’ve avoided having a full length picture taken of me for a reason.

I just about cried when I looked at the pictures. The joy of my new outfit was forgotten as I took in the sight of my pudge encased in crinolin and lace. It was not a pretty sight.

And I woke up feeling a little despondent this morning. Until I received a sweet message from a friend that made me feel like just maybe I’m a person worth knowing. And I realized that the happiness that gave me meant so much more than the sadness the pictures evoked.

It reminded me what really matters most. I still want to be slim and trim again some day, but in the meantime I can still be happy with myself. A priceless lesson, and one I look forward to forgetting and then learning over and over again.