Gifts of the Spirit
by Kym on February 28, 2007
Warning: Very long, rambling post about serious stuff. You have been warned.
I’ve been keeping this blog since July of last year, but I’ve written little here about my religious beliefs. Oh, I’ve mentioned church here and there, but I haven’t gone into much detail. Recently I’ve stumbled across the blogs of some remarkable women of faith, and been touched by their heartfelt wonderings and sharing of spiritual experiences.
I found myself wondering why the most important aspect of my life has had little or no representation here. There’s several possible reasons. Not wanting to seem like I’m pushing my religion on my readers. Wanting to keep my posts light-hearted and funny so that the laughing and teasing comments will keep rolling in. And wanting to keep my most private experiences to myself.
The first two reasons are quite alright with me. I’m vain, I have crappy self-esteem, and making people laugh makes me feel better. Hey, I want to be adored. What’s wrong with that?
It’s the last reason that troubles me. Yes, there are personal experiences that are, just that, personal. A person’s individual relationship with their Heavenly Father and their Savior is a very private and precious thing. Pearls shouldn’t be cast before swine (no offense intended!).
But my testimony? My belief in a loving Heavenly Father and in his Son? My joy over my knowledge of their plan for us? My limited mortal understanding of the gospel and it’s application in my life?
Not the sort of thing that’s meant to be kept a secret.
So here goes. I’m a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. We are often called Mormons, but this is a nickname that obscures the fact that we are devout Christians. Our faith is often misunderstood. Some believe that we are a cult and have strange ideas about our beliefs and practices. Many say that we are not Christian. It saddens me more than I can say when I hear such things said.
I believe in a loving Heavenly Father who has a plan and a purpose for us. I believe that we existed before this mortal life and that we will continue to exist in the eternities, that we came to this earth to receive a physical body, and to be tried and tested, to learn and to develop. I believe that Jesus Christ is our Savior, that he took upon himself the sins of the world in order that we might return to live with our Heavenly Father and have eternal life. I believe that the gospel of Jesus Christ was restored to the earth by a prophet, and that Gordon B. Hinckley is a living prophet. I believe that the heavens are open, that we are all children of a loving Heavenly Father who we can turn to in prayer. I believe that those prayers are answered, that the power of the priesthood is at work here on earth.
I was privileged last fall to have the most spiritually poignant experience of my life. It isn’t for me to share the details, but I feel strongly that I should share the feelings of my heart. I wrote an e-mail about the experience to a dear friend of mine, and feel I should share some of it here:
I had just started getting to know a woman from our church. One day, she stopped answering her phone. No one hears from her for days. She doesn’t answer her phone – we don’t know what’s been going on. On the way home from the branch corn roast I get this super-strong feeling I need to go see her. Nevermind the tired baby in the backseat…gotta go see her. I pick up some donuts at Tim Horton’s…comfort food…and drop by. Her oldest son lets me in, I give him the donuts and send him off to play. I confront her.
Somehow, I know what’s happened. Not all the bizzarely intricate details of how, etc…but I -know- why she’s curled up in a miserable ball on her couch unwilling to look me in the eye.
We have a long, long talk. With lots of crying…lots of me finding the exact right words to say…I don’t know how…they just come. I have this incredible insight into what she’s thinking and feeling…she’s stunned. We’ve only just become friends, how could I know so much about her? We talk about Heavenly Father…his love for us…the atonement and how it -does- apply to her. How she isn’t alone in her suffering, that Christ suffered all things on the cross, even this pain…the indescribable grief she was experiencing.
By the time I leave she’s smiling through the tears…hugging back instead of cringing away from me trying to hug her into submission…hug her to let her know she’s loved no matter what she’s done…no judgment here.
That was the strangest thing about the whole evening. I’m not that good. I’m human – I judge. I’d go so far as to say that’s one of my greatest weaknesses…I’m quick to judge. I wasn’t that night…when I could easily have been shocked and seriously lacking in compassion.
I think that when we are acting as instruments of our Heavenly Father’s will…when the spirit moves us to that degree, we can in some way be infused with his love. It was amazing…I was given this brief glimpse of just how much our Heavenly Father loves us…it was overwhelming…and the memory of it, much as I try to hold on, is already fading.
It was the most profoundly spiritual experience of my life. More so that my first time going to the temple, being sealed, bearing children…This simple act of reaching out to a sister who was suffering, and being inspired by the spirit as I did so, somehow stands out as having changed my spiritual progression in a profound, life-altering way.
I learned a few days later that her life may have been saved that night…as she was seriously contemplating suicide before I arrived. I’ve been bursting to write about it…but where to find the words? It’s all been so overwhelming, but the feeling passes…the memory fades…and I’m left feeling sad that I can’t feel that brightness of spirit more often.
I love that gladdening of heart I feel when I read that again. For a brief moment I remember how it felt to be so full of the spirit, and I yearn to feel that way again. And I remember something else…that while profound experiences like that don’t happen daily, I can prepare myself for them. Through prayer and scripture study, those wonderful faith promoters I sometimes slack off on, I can invite the spirit into my life. The music I listen to, the TV shows I watch, the way I treat my family…all have a huge impact on my ability to feel the spirit.
The word most used in the scriptures is “remember.” Our Father in Heaven knows us. He knows that we are human and that we forget. He knows that one spiritual experience often isn’t enough to effect a complete change of heart. It’s a journey, a spiritual progression that we embark upon and follow “line upon line, precept upon precept.”
I’m so grateful to know that I don’t have to be perfect in this life. And even more grateful that I can always strive. “Where much is given, much is required.” I hope that the more I’m given, the more I’ll seek to strive.
There’s only one way I can end this post. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.
21 comments
Beautiful post Kimberly, thanks for sharing your experience.
…but this is a nickname that obscures the fact that we are devout Christians, I am a convert to the Church, I had been married to my LDS husband for 7 years before I was willing to even take a look at what he believed.
Just yesterday I had this conversation with my sister:
Her: It’s just that I have heard a lot of weird things about the Mormons
Me: I know! So did I!
There’s just so much misinformation out there. Thanks again for writing this.
by No Cool Story on March 1, 2007 at 12:10 am. #
Thanks for sharing so much of your heart. I haven’t yet gotten up the courage to put myself out there like that.
by Chris on March 1, 2007 at 1:06 am. #
Thanks for sharing! One day maybe I’ll be as amazing as you are! :)
by Kate on March 1, 2007 at 1:19 am. #
Kim, that was beautiful, touching, inspiring … you get my point.
Like you I have struggled with how much of my personal and spiritual life do I want to share via blogging. I want to be respectful to all my readers, yet I also don’t want to hide what makes up a significant part of who I am. I think you just did a remarkable thing. You are still the fun-loving, witty and adorable Kim as usual, but you have just added a whole new dimension to the amazing person you are.
And just so you know, you have blogged before about religious things … one that I can think of off the top of my head is your SMART Habit Saturday post about “As I Have Loved You.” I remember being really uplifted by that one as well.
Thanks for sharing your experience with us. Sometimes it is through the faith and experiences of others that we are motivated to become better disciples of Christ.
by An Ordinary Mom on March 1, 2007 at 1:28 am. #
Hi Kimberly – thanks for reading and commenting on my blog! I’m happy to “meet” you. I responded to your comments, if you ever find yourself visiting again. :)
I’m enjoying your blogs as well – thank you for sharing this experience with us. I’ve had a few things like this happen to me in the past – and really resonate with how you described it. So exciting, humbling, amazing…
Catherine
by Catherine on March 1, 2007 at 2:07 am. #
I appreciate your sharing your testimony, and I’m so glad you were so in tune the night you took that lady the donuts.
I hear you about not wanting to share the deep feelings of my heart online. Not that some people wouldn’t appreciate it, but some things are just too private for me. It’s easier to keep it light.
by Thoroughly Mormon Millie on March 1, 2007 at 2:25 am. #
NCS – Misinformation is the word alright. Is it judgmental to want everyone to be as tolerant as me? =P
Chris – Thanks! I have no idea how the shyest girl in the world made such a huge transformation in her life. Perhaps the anonymity of the computer screen?
Kate – Pfft. And this coming from one of the most amazing gals I know!
Lucy – Awww…I am seriously blushing here. And thanks for reminding me of those other posts, I’d completely forgot about them.
Catherine – It constantly amazes me how the blogging process bring kindred spirits into my life. And of course I’m visiting again…I’ve already subscribed to your blog!
Millie – I’m such a split personality…I just bounce around the different blogging styles; silly, witty, practical, deep heartfelt stuff….with a bit of dull stuff tossed in for an extra pinch of variety. I’ve thought about starting extra blogs for each personality, but they just quarrel about who gets to keep Ramblings and I give up.
by Kimberly on March 1, 2007 at 4:00 am. #
I really enjoyed this post. I have found that a lot of LDS people are slow to share publicly. I grew up in the Church, but not where there were a lot of others of our faith. I think I never knew how people were going to react and so it makes it hard to know what to do. Thanks for sharing!! That sounds like an awesome experience!
by Tirzah on March 1, 2007 at 1:55 pm. #
I love this post, and I’m proud of you for having the guts to post it.
This past weekend I was talking to a girl about where she lives (Sparwood) and somehow the church came up. And she said:
“Mormons are weird.”
I choked back my immediate demand that she explain herself because I am *so* not going to jump up and down and advertize that I am LDS when I don’t practice. (because I think the church deserves good advertising, not inactive advertising).
Anyhow, she chose to explain herself without demand. And what she said really made me actually feel all warm and tingly -
She said that ‘Mormons are weird because they are so tightly knit. They’re very insular, which is not a bad thing at all. You could probably move anywhere in that church and have a support network. Most religions should take a page from that book because they would all do better if they were like Mormons.’
So good on your for exemplifying ‘weird’ in the good LDS way!
by Nurse Pickles on March 1, 2007 at 3:44 pm. #
Thank you for sharing your testimony :) It was very sweet. I have also been a little wary of putting my religion out there. I mention church occasionally, but haven’t really wanted to share much about being LDS since I don’t know how peole will take it.
by Kara on March 1, 2007 at 4:41 pm. #
Kimberly,
Beautiful post. You know, I’ve been wrestling with how much to share/not to share on my blog, too. I may share too much, whether it be personal or spiritual in nature…(you can scroll back to the whole baptism debate in my archives if you like, though I am not going to continue it right now).
My Junior year of high school, one of my first friends that I made was a Mormon. I learned a lot from her, and realized that one of her strengths was a willingness to open up, share, and when appropriate, debate aspects of her faith with me and another friend. While we ultimately ended up agreeing to disagree on certain aspects of what we believe, and she moved to Washington and we lost touch, becoming friends with her helped me to be able to listen without automatically getting defensive. It challenged me to dig deeper into the Bible and study what I believe about Jesus, God, and truth. She gave me a book of mormon, although I have not studied it, I appreciated it as a gesture of wanting me to understand where she was coming from.
The blogosphere can be dangerous, but though I’ve just met you it sounds like you have found it to be a safe place to express yourself, as I have. It’s inevitable that as these acquaintances become friends, our posts become more real, if we are truly being ourselves. And to me it does not seem right that if we want to blog about something in particular, especially something so significant, we refrain simply because we are scared of how it might be taken. We can talk about weather, kids, etc.., but not talk about something so important because of fear? Then what’s the point? Just like we are often too quick to get defensive, we often are too slow to be real. That’s a problem in the real world, not just the blogosphere. We have a hard time figuring out what is appropriate and what is not.
I don’t know what kind of “Stereotypes” your church may have of non-Mormon, evangelical protestant Christians. (Judgemental hypocrites is one I hear from people in general). I do know that I have heard people within churches where I have fellowshiped (Baptist, Presbyterian, Inter-denominational, Brethren Assembly) be critical of others within their own churches and of course the LDS and any churches that seem to have significant differences when you dig deeper into the theology.
But in the fear of being intolerant is it right for us not to express details of our personal faith if we are scared of what others may think? That may mean times of discussion, debate, agreement to disagree, and prayers (on both sides, probably) for discernment, as they are appropriate. I am thankful for my friend who is a member of your church and challenged me to dig deeper into the Bible when I was so young.
I know, this is an awfully long comment from someone you’ve just met. I think we are both on the same page as far as wanting to be liked by our readers and realizing that our blog IS a representation of who we are. Some blogs are used specifically for debate that becomes offensive, some blogs are expressions of the heart… when you are true to your purpose for your own blog, that’s a good thing.
Maybe at some point we’ll feel comfortable enough with eachother to get into full discussions about the stereotypes, perceptions, and interpretations of scripture we may have. I’m not quite “there” yet, but that doesn’t mean I can’t share from my heart on my blog, or that you should ever fear posting honestly in your little bleep of cyberspace.
I really appreciated your post, and look forward to getting to know you better, even if we don’t agree on everything. :-)
by lauren on March 1, 2007 at 5:27 pm. #
p.s. please don’t take offense, but as we passed the local mormon temple on the way to church last night… as baby bear looked out the window, I said “see that pretty white marble building? I have no idea who that silly looking man is on the steeple!”
by lauren on March 1, 2007 at 5:51 pm. #
Tirzah – I grew up similarly. It makes it easier and harder. Easier because there’s more people to talk to about it, and harder beause you feel kind of alone.
Kara – I had the same feelings, but for some reason they just got tossed out the window.
Jo – What a lovely way to be weird! Thanks!
by Kimberly on March 1, 2007 at 7:35 pm. #
Lauren – You just put into words, so beautifully, something I hadn’t yet been able to articulate. It’s so true that as I become closer with the wonderful women I’ve met here, I open up more…am more real.
My husband and I often comment on how much we enjoy friendships with “real people”. People that are genuine and sincere. I think having identified that I enjoy people who aren’t afraid to be themselves has helped me to be myself more, as well. I was once as fake as they come. Always trying to pretend in order to curry favour with those I admired.
The question of stereotypes is a fascinating one, isn’t it? I think an important thing to point out is that the gospel is perfect, but the people trying to live it aren’t. Like any other, our church has it’s share of hypocrites. There are those who are judgmental, and even cruel.
I find it so sad when any church is judged based on the action of one or some of its members. Personally, I think there is some docrtinal truth and some portion of spirit in all the Christian denominations. I believe our church posesses the fullness of the gospel. Some people choose to be arrogant about this. I’m just grateful to have the understanding I do of Heavenly Father’s plan for us. It brings me a great deal of peace and comfort.
I don’t think a loving Heavenly Father will shun any of his children because they didn’t join “the right church.” We do the best with the knowledge and understanding we have.
by Kimberly on March 1, 2007 at 7:48 pm. #
Your post and the dilemma with how much to share reminds me of the scripture, 2 Nephi 25:26 (had to look up that reference; I should learn it!)
“And we talk of Christ, we rejoice in Christ, we preach of Christ, we prophesy of Christ, and we write according to our prophecies, that our children may know to what source they may look for a remission of their sins.”
I love how you had this experience of being an instrument in God’s hands. God is amazing!
by Beth on March 1, 2007 at 11:04 pm. #
Hi, I just found you through DYM, and I love finding other people that have the same struggles as I do. I don’t feel so alone. Good for you, to be able to expain it like you did. Why are we so afraid?
by sarah k. on March 2, 2007 at 12:21 am. #
Kim,
I read your other blog and commented on it before reading this testimony blog. Then see that in your comment section you talk about “real” people, and I think it’s funny that the last comment I wrote about how you feel so “real” to me. :) Well, not funny “haha” but interesting. We must be long lost sisters or something.
Anyway…thanks for sharing. You’re great.
elaine
by Laine on March 2, 2007 at 2:05 am. #
One more thing: Beth’s comment on the scripture in 2nd Nephi is great. I remember that scripture not by the reference but by this: On page 100 of the book of mormon, it speaks of Christ 100 percent! I can always find that scripture when I need to, because I know it is on page 100! :)
elaine
by Laine on March 2, 2007 at 2:07 am. #
Amen Sista!
by The Lazy Organizer on March 2, 2007 at 6:37 am. #
Awesome comments gals! I read them today and feel the same way I felt as I wrote that post. Thanks so much!
by Kimberly on March 2, 2007 at 6:27 pm. #
This is an incredibly beautiful post, Kim. Thanks for sharing it. I wonder why it is that it’s difficult to share these things online? I guess they’re just tender, and there’s no way to know what kind of a reaction you’ll get.
Congrats on stepping up, both in the experience, and on the blog.
by JustRandi on January 5, 2008 at 6:08 pm. #