Temporary? Insanity

So I don’t know about changing “the” world, but writing out the answer to the wonderful questions Catherine posed has definitely had an impact on “my” world. Thank you, Catherine! I appreciate having another opportunity to demonstrate just how egomaniacal I am. Shower me with comments, I want to be adored!

1. In what way does your blog reflect who you are, and in what ways does it not?

I work really hard at being “me” when I write here. The main reason I started a blog was to deal with a rapidly intensifying identity crisis. That said, I can only communicate so much. My blog doesn’t convey my facial expressions, or my many tones of voice. When I say something reasonably witty, you don’t necessarily realize how hesitantly I offer my attempt at humour, how much angst I feel until a few positive comments come in. I live in constant fear of being misunderstood, disliked, and shunned, because so much of my youth was spent feeling that way. That said, I think you can get to know someone through their blog, me included, very, very well indeed. I don’t think I answered this question quite how I might have been intended to, but that’s what came out. I think in the end I’m not sure how representative my blog is of who I am, because in so many ways I haven’t got that figured out yet.

2. What do you know or understand now that you wish you had known before your first child?

I wish I’d understood that you don’t have to love every minute of motherhood in order to be a good mom. Mixed in with the love and joy and delight, are tears of anger and sorrow, fits of yelling, and the very difficult to resist temptation to lock one’s self in the bathroom and stuff cotton balls in one’s ears. I’ve endured a lot of angst because I thought motherhood was a solely positive experience, and that therefore the negative aspects I’d experienced were a symptom of just how unsuited to motherhood I am. I’m overcoming that idea now. I’m accepting that motherhood takes us to the limits of frustration even as it takes us to the limits of how much joy our hearts can hold. Recognizing and embracing this idea is helping me to become a better mother, and a better person.

3. What one thing would you like to give to each of your children?

The confidence and the peacefulness that comes from knowing they’re children of a loving Heavenly Father. I can’t think of a better gift than that.

4. Describe what makes for a wonderful day.

Other than chocolate? Definitely going to bed with a feeling of accomplishment. Last night we had company for dinner, and were visiting during the time I usually do the dishes. Dishes from company invariably get attacked the next day. I hate waking up the morning after company. But last night I had some spare time before bed, so I scrubbed some dishes and put the dishwasher through. It felt wonderful to go to bed with that smile on my face, knowing I’d accomplished something I don’t normally. Some day, I hope to overcome my inherent laziness that the feeling of having been productive during the course of a day won’t seem like such a novelty.

5. If there was a reader reading right now for the last time, what would you want him/her to remember about you?

Other than that I’m easily embittered and might feel tempted to glare at them and possibly throw things? Mmm…that’s really tricky. I guess I’d want them to remember that I was genuine. Whether writing something witty, wise, or downright dull, that I was sincere and honest always. It’s interesting to ponder about new readers, old readers, lost readers. The many reasons we start, continue, or stop reading a blog. It’s a lot like friendships in person. Some are meant to last a lifetime, while some serve their purpose in a comparitively short space of time.