Lesson the First
by Kym on June 27, 2007
Normally, when I take a picture like this one, I give a silent chuckle and then delete it. There’s nothing extra special cute about it. No funny facial expression. No capturing of a sweet or funny moment. I don’t know why I kept this, but for some reason it appealed to me. And I’m glad, because it expresses some of the feelings I’ve had this weekend. It comes down to vulnerability. Becca looks so very vulnerable in this picture. And that’s how I spent most of the weekend feeling.
As I held my mom’s hand, I watched her restless sleep, the chorus of beeping monitors making an eerie counterpoint to the whispery sound of the ventilator. I still wasn’t really processing it. I was functioning on autopilot, trying not to think about what might happen. For one sharp, clear moment, I perfected the art of living in the present. Holding her hand, right there, right then, giving her that scant comfort, was all that mattered.
But I lost hold of that moment, and nearly lost hold of my composure. I felt tears threaten to choke me. Not only was I having to face up to the implications of my mom’s illness, but I found my thoughts turning to my two girls. To how very precious they were to me, and how I never, never, wanted them to be clutching my hand as I lay suffering in a hospital bed.
And that was the first lesson I learned this weekend. In my quest to lose weight, I’ve been quite blunt about my motivations. Much as I would have loved to say it was all about being healthy, it wasn’t. It was about feeling skinny, pretty, and young. I wanted to fit into my favourite old dress, go clothes shopping without dread, and enjoy rather than avoid the sight of myself in the mirror.
I don’t feel that way anymore.
And I’ve lost five and a half pounds since my Mom was rushed to the hospital. And I cherish some small hope that as she’s recovering, trying to make sense of why she and our family have had to undergo this, that I can help her find clarity. I can show her my next few posts, outlining the ways in which my life, and that of our little family, have been touched.
And showing off how I look in my favourite old dress would be fun too.
15 comments
I’ve been away from the computer since my kids got out of school. I am happy about hope for your mom’s recovery and sorry for all the fear and exhaustion that must accompany such a scare. Plus, your new look is fun–hope writing here will be cathartic for you.
Hugs,
Jen
by Jennifer B. on June 27, 2007 at 5:01 pm. #
*HUGS* I appreciate your honesty . . . becoming healthy for your family’s sake and for YOUR sake is a wonderful thing . . . please let me know how I can help you in that quest.
by Kate on June 27, 2007 at 5:10 pm. #
kimberly, you are so strong. i don’t know how i would have been in a situation like yours. but your description brought my mom’s image to mind instantly and it frightened me. my mom had brain surgery earlier this year and she wouldn’t let fly to denver and be with her. and in a way it’s probably good that i didn’t go because i’m not sure i could have handled it. as for showing your mom how you’ve dealt with this, i think everyone likes to know how they’re loved and cherished. i think she will be proud of you.
by aubrey on June 27, 2007 at 11:42 pm. #
Any picture with eyes as pretty as that is worth keeping.
I am currently struggling with weight loss issues myself. I tend to eat under stress and boy have I been eating!
I think that even though it was a very scary time, you were blessed to be able to be with your Mom and just hold her hand. Some people never get an opportunity like that. In my family for instance, we are not very affectionate. I think a situation like that would be the only chance I might ever have to hold one of my parent’s hands. You were given a moment of clarity and your relationship with your mother, and your husband and children will probably be touched by that moment for a very long time. Too many times we take things for granted and things like this give us a new appreciation for those we love.
by Heffalump on June 28, 2007 at 12:30 am. #
Okay, fine then. I completely support you in your quest to become healthy. And if that means that you lose weight along the way, I will try very hard not to resent you for it. hahahaha. Okay, seriously though. This was a beautiful post and I’m glad you shared it with us and I’m SO THRILLED for you that you’re able to lose weight on top of it all. Good luck with everything–the clarity and the trek towards health and gorgeousness. :-)
by Brillig on June 28, 2007 at 1:36 am. #
I’m using your blog as a weight loss tool this morning, kimberly. I’m keeping my mouth-stuffing, traiterous hands busy so that they forget all about the blueberry muffins I baked sitting out on the counter.
by elasticwaistbandlady on June 28, 2007 at 1:54 pm. #
Good for you honey!
by That Chick Over There on June 29, 2007 at 1:26 am. #
Sometimes its those most ordinary moments and most ordinary looks that capture the most truth in our lives. She’s looking at you, her mama, her world–no wonder you see so much reflected in her eyes.
Best of luck with your mom and fitting into that dress :-)
by Josi on June 29, 2007 at 3:23 am. #
You are so eloquent, sometimes I don’t want to comment because I am not.
by Carrot Jello on June 29, 2007 at 5:23 am. #
I’ve been exactly where you are now and I’ve said a prayer for you and your family. Be well and take care of yourself. Hugs
by Kate on June 29, 2007 at 12:40 pm. #
I’m not reading any one elses comments, ‘cuz I’m in a hurry, but I love you. I’m praying for you!
by Dedee on June 29, 2007 at 10:38 pm. #
What a beautiful post. And a beautiful goal. It’s always good to see the positive out of such pain.
by M on June 30, 2007 at 2:33 am. #
I love how you keep finding such positive lessons you are learning while you are enduring this trial. Your strength is amazing!
by An Ordinary Mom on July 1, 2007 at 4:23 am. #
It is a scarry thing you are going through here. I love the way you are writing these moemnts down, so honest. Save these scaps for your girls, and someday they will know you and understand you better than they ever have before. (((HUG)))
by Dapoppins on July 2, 2007 at 5:01 pm. #
hi kimmy: i liked how you also picked this totally happy picture of emma. i like hearing how you are appreciating what matters. i think it is easy to sometime forget for awhile. not on purpose. but we get comfy and take things for granted sometimes until something happens to remind us of the fraility of life. we saw this horrible horrible fatal vehicle accident on our road trip a couple days ago (a semi truck with long bed loaded and a little nothing of a small car). they must have hit head on at about 70 miles an hour. the twisted mess is not something i will forget. count your blessings. take care, kathleen
by so grateful to be Mormon! on July 4, 2007 at 10:06 pm. #