Somber Reflections
by Kym on June 19, 2007
I really need to start keeping my notebook by my bed again. I had a fabulous idea for a blog post last night, as I was falling asleep. I mentally repeated it to myself a few times (because it really freaks Neil out when I do it out loud), to help cement it into my forebrain, but to no avail. It’s slipped away from me, and that particular flash of brilliance will never illuminate me again.
I think it had something to do with cows? Nevermind. On with the show.
The other night Neil and I were watching The Shadowlands, a brilliant movie depicting part of C.S. Lewis’ life, with Lewis being portrayed by Anthony Hopkins. We laughed out loud in a few spots, but mostly we quietly contemplated the story unfolding on the screen, cuddled up in bed, crying at times. It was thought-provoking, touching, and disturbing. After I was done my cry, we talked about it for awhile. Specifically about what would happen should Neil die unexpectedly. I tried to give the conversation a more lighthearted air, threw in a few jokes, that sort of thing. But it wouldn’t take. And by the end, I was just about crying again.
It was a bit shattering, to be honest. I expend so much energy embracing my life as it is, in loving my children and my time with them, in striving to be a better wife, homemaker, and mother. I’ve focused on this to such an extent, that any other options…well, there just don’t seem to be any other options.
And then, what a blast to my self-esteem, to realize that I don’t have the skills, education, or talents to support my family. I have many talents, I don’t deny that, but none are fully developed. Suddenly, I feel insufficient, and a little bit lost.
What would I do if I lost him? What could I possibly do?
27 comments
Oh Kim. I feel your pain. I also wonder what I would do, should I lose Brad and it panics me to no end. I’ll pray for you if you’ll pray for me!
by Dedee on June 19, 2007 at 8:59 pm. #
I hate even thinking about it. It leaves me with such a sense of dread to think there will ever be a time when he’s not with me.
But what he always tells me in his ever-present logical way: I will do what I have to do, to do what I have to do.
by Thea on June 19, 2007 at 9:10 pm. #
What a sobering thought. I worry about preparing–having life insurance, renewing my teaching certificate, having a savings. I take comfort in setting goals and doing the best I can little by little.
Mostly I try to remind myself to enjoy each day and don’t mourn him before he is gone!
by Jennifer B. on June 19, 2007 at 11:20 pm. #
I often have the same moment of blind panic hit me – what would I do without Greg?
One of my incredibly wise friends said, “you go on, but more importantly, you ensure you have adequate life insurance that should anything happen to either of you, you could go on.” Her point, while very blunt, was make sure we are insured enough that should something happen to one of us, we could afford the adjustment period – for you that would include affording going back to school.
You would grieve, you would ache and hurt, but my friend’s point was that there would be no financial crap to add to the pain. Smart lady, her is.
by Nurse Pickles on June 19, 2007 at 11:34 pm. #
I agree with what has been said . . . we must be prepared in case it happens, but Lord, willing, we won’t have to go through it!
D&C 38:30
by Kate on June 19, 2007 at 11:48 pm. #
We have had several of these somber conversations as well and I DESPISE them! I try to be prepared, but then you must cast aside the fear and embrace hope.
by An Ordinary Mom on June 20, 2007 at 12:00 am. #
I am totally unprepared as well, and I should know better. By the time my mother was my age she was raising six kids by herself.
Keep doing what you are doing. Prepare (avoid debt, save and get a good insurance policy) while you can. And pray. Oh, and keep enjoying and appreciating what you have in front of you–that’s the most important thing!
It’s probably not something you’ll have to worry about, but those things will go a long way toward preparedness for anything.
by compulsive writer on June 20, 2007 at 1:29 am. #
I just get things in order as necessary–insurance and other financial back-ups, and then I go on as normal. I can’t, CAN’T actually have the conversation about it.
by Brillig on June 20, 2007 at 1:53 am. #
OOoff. I must confess, I spend MUCH TOO MUCH of my life thinking about this. I have to constantly remind myself that considering horrible things happening will not actually make it easier if/when they happen. I’m trying to just enjoy living today. Its hard. Really hard, for me.
by Catherine on June 20, 2007 at 2:07 am. #
This is one of my biggest fears too. Apparantly there are many of us who have this same fear. I have a line in my patriarchal blessing that has always had me concerned and nearly convinced that I will be alone at some point. To ease my mind we have had several serious, though not pleasant, conversations about what I would do. Scott has taken many steps to ensure that the kids and I would be taken care of. We sometimes joke that he is worth more to me dead than alive. All joking aside, it is wise to make sure that you have insurance and are prepared for the unexpected because you just never know! As others have mentioned as well, you have to enjoy the here and the now and not focus on the what if’s.
by Amanda on June 20, 2007 at 3:34 am. #
Putting Shadowlands on my Netflix right now.
by Annie on June 20, 2007 at 4:05 am. #
What a horrible thought. Luckily my kids are old enough to put to work knitting baby booties to sell on Etsy.
Basically I’m unmarketable as well unless someone wants to pay me to be a homeschooling stay at home Mother. Heaven knows I would never remarry because who could put up with me?
by The Lazy Organizer on June 20, 2007 at 4:39 am. #
I read this a few hours ago, I wanted to say something that would help you. Not only everybody has written great stuff (ITA!), but I also thought that the peace you need comes after praying and reflecting: Not with fear, but with awareness.
Years ago I would have the same feelings of dread and doom. DH would try to make me feel better but , jut like you, I’d still feel scared. You know, if something were to happen to our Beloved, it would be sad and not at all good. BUT the kids we have been blessed with would be our top priority and I know we would pull through.
:) Don’t fret Kim!
by No Cool Story on June 20, 2007 at 5:18 am. #
This is so odd that you would write about this today! Ryan has, for years now, written a ‘death letter’ for me explaining financial stuff and whatnot in the case that he should, well, you know, cease to be around. He recently updated it and asked me to read it so that we both know that it makes sense. So….for the past day or so I’ve tried so hard not to think about what life would be like without him. You know what?? It would totally and completely stink!! I’ve decided he just can’t leave yet. Nope. I love him too much. Plus, if he dies, I’ll kill him! :)
by Deanne on June 20, 2007 at 5:53 am. #
kimmy: insurance to cover the adjustment.
we have no guarantee of tomorrow, we only have this moment. “dance like nobody’s watching” and use the good china and good perfume every day and don’t look back for fear of tomorrow. you have a good, smart, and strong head on your shoulder and you have a strong faith in God, you will not be all on your own, things will work out, and you will be okay. don’t get so sucked up into “what if,” that you forget to see and enjoy the beauty of the moments in your day this day.
love ya girl, kathleen :)
by so grateful to be Mormon! on June 20, 2007 at 7:00 am. #
Carlos and I have had that conversation a couple of times, and each time it has been so difficult. It’s something you don’t want to think about….but with two kids in the mix, how can you not? Okay, now I’m getting creeped out, so I’m gonna stop talking about it!
On a lighter note, you are not alone. I have brilliant blog posty ideas all the time….and most of them disappear before I have a chance to write them down. I blame my mommy-brain and lack of sleep.
by Cate on June 20, 2007 at 1:21 pm. #
It is hard to think about what I’d do if I lost Aaron. I have a degree, so I don’t think money would be the problem, though I’d probably have to move away from my support system to get a job. I don’t think I could ever remarry. That would just be too weird.
Anyway, my advice (if you want it, or if you don’t ;) ) is to think about it only enough to figure out how you’d make it work, and then don’t worry about it. Live normally, because most likely you won’t have to deal with that.
by Tirzah on June 20, 2007 at 2:09 pm. #
I hate even thinking about it, but I know it’s a reality that everyone has to think about. We don’t even have wills! ACK!
by HeatherAnn Fragglehead on June 20, 2007 at 6:59 pm. #
wow! that is a deep thought… i too, have had the conversation with my hubby. never easy…
thanks for posting such important topics..
(i found your blog through a friend of a friend…) thanks!
by Jennie on June 20, 2007 at 8:04 pm. #
You know, financially I am prepared. I know what his wishes are for his funeral and cremation. I know exactly what I would do with the house, the bills, and everything.
But what would I do? Emotionally? Spiritually? No clue. None.
by That Chick Over There on June 20, 2007 at 10:37 pm. #
I don’t worry about going to work very full time, instead of very part time. I’d be fine that way, but I I worry about things like what if the computer stops working? I don’t know how to mow a lawn. Who’ll change the air filters for the furnace? (Hello! Home Teachers!!!). I worry about money some–I want the house paid for, and college paid for. Aren’t you in Canada? Here, you’d get Social Security benefits for yourself and each child, so that could be the mortgage payment.
Actually, Iworry a lot more about if I died. My girls would look like total ragamuffins, and my parents would end up being realllly super-involved. I doubt Shazzy would take them to church, stuff like that. Because I have a long work history, they’d have survivor benefits from my social security, too. I love deanne’s idea about a death letter. I need one of those!
by Elizabeth-W on June 20, 2007 at 10:57 pm. #
I would say that not only should you have your insurance cover you, but go to school as much as you can as well.
Although it’s horrible to think of divorce happens to the best of us and insurance doesn’t cover that.
So, not because I’m suggesting you’re going to get divorced, but also because he could become ill or unable to work again, work on your education and see if you can have a home based business or a part time job that’s in your expertise.
After all, you don’t want to flip burgers.
by Anna Maria Junus on June 20, 2007 at 11:53 pm. #
something like that is always more poignant after watching a sad movie or book that depicts it, but in reality, i don’t think you have to worry. be prepared. worrying does nothing for you, emotionally or temporally. do what you can and pray that you won’t be worried about it. and do what you are already doing: enjoying your life and your family.
by aubrey on June 21, 2007 at 12:40 am. #
I worry about this all the time. I don’t have a college education or the skills to get a job much higher than minimum wage. D doesn’t like discussing what either of us would do if the other one died or something happened to them. Yet I feel like I need to be prepared. I have no way to prepare. I don’t have the money, the resources or the time to get my education right now. I don’t think I could survive emotionally without D either.
by Heffalump on June 21, 2007 at 1:17 am. #
We bought a big fat life insurance policy on Papi to alleviate some of my worries. How to deal with life outside of financial issues should something happen to a spouse? I don’t have a clue. Too bad we can’t buy a solution through an authorized agent too.
by elasticwaistbandlady on June 21, 2007 at 2:52 am. #
I just found your blog….its awesome! I’m a 23yr old newlywed, no kids yet, new little house, first year teacher in my first summer off and I’m going a little coo-coo being home alone all day!! Trying to figure out me identity … like how to be a good wife/future mother/interesting independent woman/actually HAPPY. Thanks for sharing your life…I enjoy reading :)
by Keeney on June 21, 2007 at 3:15 am. #
I grapple with this possibility every now and then. The things I struggle with aren’t the practical/financial issues. Instead, they’re the little things…like how do I explain to my two-year-old that Daddy isn’t coming home? And how sad it seems to me that she (and possibly my four year old) will have little to no personal memory of him…of his face, the way he laughs, how his voice inflects when he reads stories at bedtime.
At the same time, though, isn’t it wonderful to be in the middle of a marriage (and family) that is so very precious?
by Nic on June 22, 2007 at 2:34 am. #