I often read about mom’s struggling with self-definition. The age old question of; Am I Mommy? Or Am I Me? And How Can I Be Both?
A friend of mine recently wrote that she goes through an identity crisis every decade or so, and I’d love to say the same. Instead, it feels like a weekly occurence lately. Finding that elusive balance between Motherhood and Me-dom, has been a huge struggle for me.
What really set it off was the fact that I gave up who I was to be a Mom. This wasn’t asked of me. Giving up everything that I enjoy and have a passion for was not a prerequisite of Motherhood. And I’ve spent some time pondering why I felt I ought to. I think that because the gift of a child is so overwhelming, some of us feel a need to sacrifice accordingly. And what greater sacrifice can we offer than the very essence of who we are?
It’s taken me three years to come to the realization that not only was this sacrifice not necessary, it has actually done incalculable damage to my happiness level and my feelings of self-worth. And now, as I try to return to enjoyment of my once hobbies, I’m racked with guilt when I “indulge”, thinking I should be 100% focused on motherly and housewifely things.
I’m trying to change the way I look at this. And I hope that putting it into writing will help. There’s something about the written word, isn’t there? I know that’s a vaguely phrased concept, but describing it in detail is material for an entirely different post.
Anyway, here it is simply. Being me, pursuing my hobbies, and developing my meager talents, all make me a happier, more fulfilled Mom. And as Neil often says, “Happy Wife. Happy Life.” Allowing my interest in things outside of children and housework to be squashed by feelings of guilt, hurts me, and through me, my family.
And so, as I sing, blog, bake, read, and write, I’m going to fight those feelings of guilt. I’m going to invite the warm glowy feeling that comes with being the best Me, and therefore the best Mom, that I have it in me to be.
Yes, it rhymes. But that doesn’t mean it isn’t true.
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33 Comments
I did not consciously give up the essence of who I am and surrender it in the name of motherhood – rather, I admit that I don’t focus a lot of time on me because with two small children it boils down to not having the time!
I blog – that is my time to myself, reading blogs and writing my own. This has been a great exercise for me and has given me access to other moms who struggle with the same issue.
All that said – I need to make more of an effort to make the time for the things that make me happy – because otherwise the wheels are going to come off and I’ll be no darn use to anyone :)
Yay! I’m glad you’re figuring it out, and earlier in your motherhood career than I did. I think it took me until Christopher was in school full-time this year and I had nothing “better” to do for me to realise that I needed to get back to who “I” am . . . and yes . . . I’m a happier wife and mother because of it!:)
I think we all fall into that catagory at times… some more than others. I know some women who seem to be able to keep a perfect balance. Then there are others who become martyrs for the cause of motherhood. But I feel a lot like you. Just trying to get back to some basic things that make me feel good about myself all around. And in turn, help me be a better mom!
You said all of that so eloquently. I think I’m going to bookmark this post and return to it frequently. Thank you for sharing from your heart. It’s nice to know that I’m not alone in the “finding myself” department in Canada. =)
Oh- I hear ya’. Boy do I hear ya’. It’s a stuggle that I go through often too!
Very well said/written. You really are talented with the written word you know.
I waited so long to have my son that I often give up “me” for him because I think he’s the only one that I’m likely ever going to have and I want to take advantage of every moment possible. I still try to take “me” time so I don’t loose it and often I do that by participating something spiritually uplifting. I always come back from those things, a better mom, wife, friend etc. You are wise beyond your years my friend. Keep it up!!
I am a firm believer that the kids need to see me and Dave doing things that we love that don’t necessarily have anything to do with them.
It’s hard, but I think it will make THEM better people to know that the whole world doesn’t REALLY revolve around them…
It seems like a lot of our identity gets lost in becoming mothers. Suddenly our name is changed to Mommy, or Mom, and we are the provider of every necessity for our children. Sometimes we spend so much time making sure they are taken care of, that we forget to take care of ourselves.
But if we don’t take care of ourselves now then when our children are grown and don’t need us so much, where will we be? We will lose our identity all over again and have to refind ourselves. I think its better to keep a firm grip on who we are through the whole thing.
I am glad you are fighting the guilt, you know where it comes from.
And I will continue to beat the dead horse, there is balance and moderation in all things … and that includes motherhood and then me time as well.
Don’t forget, if your cup isn’t full, how are you going to fill your kids’ cups? Empty doesn’t do a whole lot for anyone.
I hope you are enjoying your bloggy trip!
cool. i agree with you on all of this. it’s tricky to not feel that guilt that comes along with putting the kids aside for a few moments to do something that is fulfilling on a personal, creative level.
Wow Kim. You did a number on this one. I think sometimes I go to the other extreme. Doing things that I want to at the expense of my children and house. It is a challenge to find the balance that allows us to be happy, but also fulfills our duties and requirements.
Don’t get me wrong, I adore my kids. Sometimes I just play with them too much instead of teaching them the things that they need to know down te road.
Speaking of, I think I’d better go and turn off the video game. . .
love your new blog look.
There are a lot of women here who know what they are talkin bout. listen up people
Things are different when your children get to an age where you don’t have to clean their butts, stuff their faces, and entertain them constantly.
I’m entering that ‘different’ phase…….and I LOVE IT! It frees up more time for what I would have considered guilty pleasures ten years ago. And in a few years, you won’t have this guilt either because your girls will be older. Don’t make me start singing ‘Circle Of Life’ all up in here, because I loathe that song.
hi kimmy: glad you are figuring this out finally and didn’t wait until emma and becca were grown ups before you decided to let kimmy out to play, too. you don’t have to give up your identity, you get to still enjoy you, enjoy outside interests and hobbies and etc. you are a much more happier person with others and especially with your kids when you have a balance of things that you show interest in and things that you look forward to. glad to see you are getting it :) cheers girl, kathleen
I think it’s wrong to sacrifice yourself to the point that there’s not any you left. That’s not fair to the ones you love or to you. Finding that balance is tricky, though. I understand the hobby thing, though. I haven’t scrapbooked in a year, partly because of moving twice and not having room to unpack my junk, but mostly because I can’t scrapbook with the little guy around, and he’s always around, and when he’s not I try to take care of silly things like showering and eating . . . you understand, I’m sure.
I am so looking for that balance too! If I do something that I enjoy, thats just for me, I feel like I am taking time that should be spent elsewhere – with hubby, with child, cleaning my disaster of a house. But I’ve had to make time because I was becoming a person I didn’t want to be around.
And it is hard for me to get away from me…..
Hello. I’ve been a lurker…but am being brave today just to say, Yay! Good for you!
I’ve found hobbies I can do around kids. (Crochet saved me!) And when both my kids are in school all day long (2008!)I will get back to painting and other such messy, hard to do around kids, need to be by myself to do, type of hobbies.
It really is a balancing act or maybe it’s a juggling act…?
(circus music plays in the background)
Guilt, get thee behind me! I WILL ENJOY MYSELF TODAY!
Go, Kim! (Just remember to take me with you.)
…and I swear, every time I come to your blog I have to do a double-take to make sure I’m in the right place. Um–I am in the right place, aren’t I?
wynne: me, too. then i think, oh, kimmy changed her site again. this is just something she does. i still adore her.
kimmy: hey sweetie. thanks for the emails lately. you totally rock! so glad you are you, for you are such a neat person girl :) kathleen
Good for you. Really really good for you. This is a hard thing to conquer but so very important.
If you’re not improving yourself then you will not have such a wonderful Mother to share with your kids. Besides kids learn by example. If you’re constantly learning and growing then they will too.
My favorite example is that my 9 year old is now writing his own articles at GNMP because he has watched me write mine for the last six months.
Inspire not Require!
I know I already commented… but I did a double take today thinking that blogger had messed up my links! Love the new look!!! :D
This is one of the things I struggle with the very most in my life, so I applaud you for facing it in your own.
I agree with elastic, this season you are in unfolds into an even better one. When my girls were your girls ages it was very difficult and very rewarding. Very Well said
You hit the nail on the head. It is a difficult thing…loosing yourself….I am glad you are on your way to getting a part of you back! You seem like such a wonderful person, I would hate to see you think you are “just a mom” because being just a mom is the most versitile job there is!
“Indulging” in my passions (outdoors, hiking, etc.) has been one of the only things that has kept me sane. I really worried about sacrificing it all when I got married and had kids but am fortunate to have found a way to share them.
Be selfish for a time. Rediscover your passions and it will make you a better mama!
As usual, love the new look.
I think guilt is apart of the birth process. You notice it a little before children, but it is always there, always nagging, always invasive, from the first cry of your baby.
Now that you know this, you can kill it. Use a big stick. Yeah, that works.
Ditto. To everything and you fabulous readers have said. Just because you’re mom doesn’t mean you’re not still YOU. I seem to have a hard time going the other way. Sometimes I have to remind myself that the most important job of ‘mom’ isn’t the same as ‘housekeeper’ or ‘personal assistant’ or anything else. That I need to take a minute out from all my other duties to just play or read or whatever with my kids. Making time to play by myself? I seem to find plenty of time for that.
I have always felt that I was a mother, even years before my children came. When they finally did, it was like finding that long lost piece of me. Everything else that I was became more “full”. I feel like I came into myself and I was happier. There was something about taking care of these little babies that was like nothing else I’ve ever experienced, and I’d waited my whole life to hear those words, “Mama!” I admit it – I’m tired, I’m losing “me” time with each child that comes, but I have never been happier, and I Hope I get to do this for eternity!!! I do feel like some previous posters sometimes though – where I have no problem taking time to be me and for me, and I fall short of being what my KIDS need me to be. I’m good at being ME, but am I really good at being what they need me to be? That’s my struggle.
I have pondered this very topic many, many times!! I have run into moms who grew up with no other aspirations than to be wives and mothers. Because of that, they don’t know how to be good wives and mothers because they never really figured out who they were.
Along these lines, I have always loved the talk in the June 1992 Ensign, called “Celebrating Womanhood” by Marie K. Hafen!! It is wonderful!
It is all a balancing act!
wow, I’m so glad I’m not alone. I am still trying to figure out how to bring back the things I used to do and be, but I know I need to work on it. Otherwise, I’m not a happy mommy!
I’m going through a total mid-life crisis right now and I’m not even mid-life. I’ve been feeling like the “real me” is this girl who wants to be alone: no husband or kids. And the thing is, I’m crazy for my husband and kids. It’s some messed up thinking, fo’ sho’.
And I do feel like the parts I gave up were forced upon me. I certainly didn’t feel like I had to. It just happened. No choice.