Not Quite Sure…
by Kym on August 30, 2007
…what to say today. I haven’t been posting much in the way of substance lately. Probably because life has been anything but substantial. Yes, I know how vague and cryptic that sounds, but give me a moment. By the time I’m done rambling there’s a wee glimmer of a chance that you might probably maybe have a clue as to what I’m going on about.
Tomorrow morning we’re going to load our two groggy girls into the ole station wagon and head out to Alberta (for those not geographically inclined – the neighbouring province to this one). I haven’t mentioned it much because I wasn’t sure it was going to happen. And I definitely wasn’t sure I wanted it to. I don’t like traveling at the best of times, and this is not the best of times.
My Grampy (my dad’s dad) is really sick. As in, has made his peace and is ready to go home kind of sick. And I’m being incredibly childish about it. I don’t want to go say goodbye. Images of the open casket funeral for my mum’s dad when I was twelve still haunt me. I don’t want to remember my Grampy like that.
So I haven’t cleaned out the car, or finished the laundry, or packed, or cleaned anything out of the fridge that might spoil over a five day weekend. Because deep down I really don’t want it to happen. It’s beyond selfish. My Granny and Grampy really want me to come. But I just want to go “home” and see my mum. Because I still haven’t seen her since she was in the hospital. And I miss her like crazy.
There are days when I really, really hate having to be a grown up.
23 comments
Hey, I found the link to your comments! (And with only a little help from you; thanks for the speedy reply!) To my credit, this link doesn’t show up when you link directly to your post rather than your blog, which is what I usually do when I read from my RSS reader.
I’m sorry to hear about your grandfather. My grandparents are getting “up there” in age (Grandpa has been talking about his funeral for the last ten years) but I am not ready to let them go yet. My grandma on my mom’s side already passed away (two years ago), and even though I never felt that close to her, I still catch myself wishing I could drop a postcard to her in the mail or something and then realizing I can’t.
Anyway, that was too much about me when this comment was just meant to say — I’m so sorry, Kim, and big hugs.
by Beth on August 30, 2007 at 8:14 pm. #
Hey lady, I’m sorry to hear about your Grampy. I know how it feels to loose someone and it’s never easy. I have often felt the way you do and stomped my foot and said “I don’t want to be the grown up”. It doesn’t keep you from having to be a grown up but it feels a little better. There are perks to getting older but as you know, we can’t know the good without the bad.
Love ya lots,
Tonya
by Tonya on August 30, 2007 at 8:24 pm. #
I’m boring as crap these days, so I can sympathize. I’m amazed anyone still reads my blog.
Sorry about your grandfather. :(
by That Chick Over There on August 30, 2007 at 8:27 pm. #
I’m dealing with the IRS, property tax reduction hearing, extra jobs, late paychecks, surly kids….blah, blah, blah.
‘I hate being a grownup’ is exactly what I told my mom last week! I wish I could afford to just have a team of people do the hard stuff for me. Best wishes on your trip.
by elasticwaistbandlady on August 30, 2007 at 8:46 pm. #
Oh, how sad. It’s so hard to say goodbye like that. I procrastinate in just that way when faced with something awful. Good luck.
by Luisa Perkins on August 30, 2007 at 8:55 pm. #
oh, Kimmy (may I call you Kimmy?). I’m sorry. But I’m also glad that you have such a precious relationship with your grandparents. Praying for you, sweets.
by Nic on August 30, 2007 at 10:39 pm. #
I so sorry. It is so difficult to lose the ones you love, the ones that have sustained you through your life thus far.
2 years (and 1 month ago) my Grandpa passed away, and 3 weeks later, my mom. I was so terrified that my memories of them would be forever tainted by images of seeing them in their last moments.
But you know, while I can still conjure those memories up if I really concentrate – they are the last things I think of when I remember them.
I remember all the good things. All the loving moments. All the laughter and the pain too, but not the moments of loss so much.
I hope you will too.
by Sketchy on August 31, 2007 at 1:48 am. #
Let’s go be kids together. Wanna be five again? Just don’t make me do that first-day-of-school thing over again; it was rather traumatic.
Seriously, I’m sorry to hear about what you are going through. That is never easy. I know. And I get the funeral thing. Those are so hard too.
As for Alberta, I would kind of like to visit another province. Maybe when the time comes when we actually get to meet in real life, we can convince our husbands to let us go province hopping together. Okay, so that’s a pipe dream. But it was a fun one while it lasted. =)
Keep us posted, okay?
by Inkling on August 31, 2007 at 4:09 am. #
Big freaking crazy ass hugs. I understand wanting to be selfish and childish. Being a grown up is unreasonably fucking hard and I’m sorry you have to be a super grown up right now. xoxoxo
by M on August 31, 2007 at 5:02 am. #
Hang in there. If you don’t go and see him, you may regret it later. I know its hard, but you can get through it. I am sure that you will have many prayers for your comfort as well.
by Heffalump on August 31, 2007 at 5:18 am. #
I’m sorry about your Grampy. I hope the trip goes well and you feel some peace for going.
by Lisa on August 31, 2007 at 2:32 pm. #
Kim – Look at this as a way for you and your family to make some more great memories. I know it won’t be an easy trip for you. But I hope you’ll get some peace from going.
by Melissa on August 31, 2007 at 2:34 pm. #
I’m so sorry about your grampy.
I dread the day I lose my grandmother. We are close.
by Summer on August 31, 2007 at 5:56 pm. #
Oh, Kim. I’m so sorry. This is so hard.
by Brillig on August 31, 2007 at 7:31 pm. #
in my prayers girl, kathleen
by so grateful to be Mormon! on September 1, 2007 at 12:33 am. #
one more kim.
i love this saying, i try to live by it … “don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.” relish the day, savor this moment.
grateful
by so grateful to be Mormon! on September 1, 2007 at 12:34 am. #
Kim you ARE brilliant, hilarious, and /or beautiful!
Sorry to hear that. It was REALLY hard/strange to see my MIL’s open casket. She was always full of life, and that is how I insist on remembering her.
I refused to see my Grandpa at his funeral, and it made my dad very mad. I loved my Grandpa and his cute overalls with ALL, every inch of my heart and I never had to see him like that. It was my choice and I don’t regret it. My dad agreed to disagree on that one.
Hope you are back to your lovable self soon:)
by PJ on September 1, 2007 at 1:14 am. #
I’ll miss you Kimberly! Chin up girlie, lots of people are praying for you!
by Laine on September 1, 2007 at 1:18 pm. #
I wanna go home and see my mommy, too. I hate that she lives a 26 hour drive away (not that I’ve driven it, just mapquested it.) Enjoy your time away & we’ll be here when you get back.
by Chris on September 2, 2007 at 1:36 pm. #
I’m sorry to hear about your Grampy’s illness. I know the pain you’re going through.
I hope you had a good vacation!
by Gretchen on September 2, 2007 at 11:19 pm. #
Oh, Kimberly! I don’t know what to say. I finally get back into blogging…and finally FINALLY have time to tackle my backlog of blog reading, and I find this out. I feel so bad that I didn’t get a chance to give you some support before you left.
I’m thinking of you!
by Cate on September 3, 2007 at 5:59 am. #
I completely understand how you feel. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t miss my grandma so much it hurts and it’s been almost twenty years. Being a grown up bites sometimes, but I really hope everything goes okay for you. Here is my comment that you’re beautiful, witty, brilliant, hilarious, and talented. Good luck
by Julie Wright on September 3, 2007 at 3:28 pm. #
i am so sorry to hear about your grandfather. i know it is a hard time for you. remember it is ok to let others help you through it. take care kim and my thoughts are with you and your family
by jenn on September 4, 2007 at 2:45 am. #