Temporary? Insanity

January 2007: I spent a fair bit of this month reflecting on the many differences between Emma and Becca, obsessing over the duality of Emma’s nature, trying to establish some good habits, I fit into a large sized skirt for the first time in years (bye-bye plus sizes!), celebrated Becca’s first birthday with far, far too much chocolate cake, but managed to drop a few more pounds regardless.

Februrary 2007: February saw my blog readership double in size. I can identify this as the month where blogging stopped being a fun hobby and became something more than that. It became an intrinsic part of my life. Putting my thoughts and feelings into words helped me find clarity and peace. I shared a profoundly spiritual experience, with some amount of trepidation, and was amazed by the outpouring of love and understanding from my newfound online friends.

March 2007: I went a little bit weird this month, going so far as to write myself a letter. I focused a lot on weight loss, trying to put into words why it was important to me. Hoping it was more than just vanity. That maybe, just maybe, I had more depth to me than that. Turns out I’m just really shallow, but I’m okay with that now.

April 2007: I had one of the neatest experiences this month. I had the opportunity to meet some of my favourite bloggers in Seattle at the end of the month. Lucy and I met up beforehand and went together. I loved her immediately. It was such a strange and lovely sensation. Don’t tell the other gals, but she was my favourite.

May 2007: This was a rough month. I had a pregnancy hope/scare that was really thought-provoking. I blogged a little about Neil. I whined, I took pictures of myself, and I bragged. A lot. Because I’m cool like that.

June 2007: This was a full month indeed. I got my new and much beloved vacuum, was wounded severely in a random spider attack, enjoyed Good Mail spoils, and on June 21st my mum was rushed to hospital. I drove down to Vancouver, tearful and frantic, and visited her in the intensive care unit. It was very, very scary. She could have died. She could have never woken up. She could have woken up but without her memory intact. I saw her in the throes of hallucinations. Listened to her speak with a stranger’s voice. Felt that I was losing her, that I already had.

July 2007: July brought the beginnings of my mum’s recovery, and relief of a sort that I found impossible to put into words. The stress had left me weary, and that didn’t make for the happiest of months. I developed an addiction to online scrabble, and wasted a great deal of time that could have been better spent. Fortunately, I had a trip to Utah scheduled for later in the month. Hooray! July was saved! I posted my 200th Post, and bragged about what an incredible time I had in Utah. Some good Dedee time was all I needed to turn the month around.

August 2007: Looking back, August was a pretty miserable month. Neil and I weren’t communicating well. Not fighting, but not getting along exactly either. My Grampy got sick and we went to Alberta to say goodbye. No. It really wasn’t a good month.

September 2007: September was interesting. We got home from our trip, which I’d half enjoyed, half been miserable during. I drove down to Vancouver to renew my passport, and again, half enjoyed, half was miserable. Traveling alone with the kids was trying, but I survived well and was surprised and proud of myself. I celebrated my best friend’s birthday, had some profound moments during which I realized what a silly schmuck I am for choosing to be miserable so much, and prepared for our trip to Las Vegas the following month.

October 2007: Sin City was an intersting experience. Dedee and her hubby came too, and it was so much fun. Until they went home and then, not so much. In bloggy news, I started a Weightloss Wednesday segment that lasted…oh, maybe three weeks. And then I decided to commit to writing a book in Novemeber. Deep down? I was sure I’d flake out shortly after the first three pages or so.

November 2007: I wrote a book. I did it. Now, I just have to take this mess and make something of it. I’m sure other things happened in Novemeber, but this trumps them all. Oh, and I blogged every day of the month as well. I rock.

December 2007: This last month of the year saw a lot of sickness in the VanderHorst household. It brought with it a great deal of introspection as well though. I was miserable. More so than the norm, even. I felt sorry for myself. A lot. In all, I was sick for three full weeks. And not just sniffly nose sick. We’re talking barely able to function sick. Christmas morning? I woke up feeling fine. Now, I have this restless energy compelling me to do really bizarre things. Like start packing even though we don’t move till the beginning of April (oh, didn’t I mention? We bought a house! Oi!), and scrubbing walls, and reorganizing cupboards. Being sick had me wanting to do so many things I didn’t have the energy to do. Now? Now I do and I’m thinking maybe I’ll get up off my lazy butt. Maybe I’ll look back on 2008 next year and not reflect on how miserable I was for half of it. Maybe I’ll be overwhelmed by how happy and productive it was.

I’m the only one who can turn that “maybe” into a “definitely”. And I’m going to. Oh yes I am.