Friendship
by Kym on February 21, 2008
I’m sure there are a handful of my readers who aren’t bloggers themselves (Hi Mum!), but for those that are, I have a question.
Do your online friendships have a negative impact on your real life friendships?
I’m noticing a worrying trend myself. I was catching up on the phone with a gal pal yesterday and I found myself feeling a bit snarky. I mean, here she was telling me what had been going on with her and I was feeling…I don’t know…almost put upon. Couldn’t she just start a blog? It’s so much easier that way, really. And couldn’t she put a funny spin on the story and maybe upload some relevant pictures for my entertainment?
Phone calls can be a bit dull compared to blog reading, I suppose. If you glance at my blog roll in the right hand column, you’ll see why. I only read truly fabulous blogs written by fabulous people…all of whom I wish lived in my neighbourhood.
I don’t read boring blogs. I’m selfish like that.
My blogging experience has been a very intense one. I’ve also been fortunate to meet some of my blogging buddies in real life. The bond of friendship can be almost instantaneous when you’ve built the solid foundation of sharing yourself openly and honestly in a blog format. And for me, the quicker the friendship forms, the more lasting it is. Because I? Am riddled with self-doubt. If I don’t connect with someone straight off, I assume they find me dull or witless, and I kind of wander off in the other direction, all downcast, and don’t really make an effort.
Not exactly realistic, is it?
I’m slowly learning differently. I treasure those friendships which have begun so quickly and confidently; Dedee, Laura, Inkling. But I’ve had an incredible experience, completely in the real world, that may change the pattern of my friendship making to a huge degree.
Her name is Jennifer, and I adored her. I adored her the moment I first saw her at a community parenting group. I can’t remember how we first ended up talking but it was…nice. I was so smitten I think I agreed with everything she said whether I understood her or not. Kind of sad, really. We had a few playdates, but I didn’t get to see much of her because she has four children and she home schools. Her and her lovely little family are very busy indeed, and I didn’t like to clamour for too much of her attention.
I didn’t want to put her off. I was very, very uncertain.
Over time, the space of a year and a half, to be precise, we’ve become close. Sometimes a week or two or three will go buy without contact, but when we do get together, we chat with an ease and intimacy that leaves us both smiling hugely and regretfully as we part ways again. I don’t adore her anymore. I’m not smitten anymore. But I love and respect her and count her among my closest friends. We spent Christmas Day night with her family.
I nearly gave up on the chance of having that friendship, because it didn’t happen immediately.
I worry that I’ll forget that lesson. That the ease with which blogging friendships seem to fall into place will spoil me for all others. I need to remember that as lovely as my blogging life is, it is only one facet of a multi-faceted existence. A beautiful one, but…only one.
I am too much an all or nothing person by nature, and I truly believe this is something I need to overcome. At the buffet table of life we don’t have to focus only on our current favourite, we can have a delightful sampling of all the dishes that catch our eye.
Please may I be reminded of that often.
26 comments
True and genuine friendships are some of the the things I cherish the most in this life. Some start out quickly and some take time to build.
by An Ordinary Mom on February 21, 2008 at 6:10 am. #
Well, I find it hard to make real life friends easily, so online ones have filled in some of those gaps.
It seems like every time I make a close friend they move away. I am regretting that even though I met one of my close friends a few years ago, we didn’t really become friends until a year ago when our callings forced us to work together. Now she is moving in a few months and I wasted two years we could have been friends before.
by Heffalump on February 21, 2008 at 6:12 am. #
I’ve had a really hard time with the bloggy friend vs. real friend issue ever since I started my blog. But I think it was the opposite with me. Whereas you want your friends to start blogs, I felt like I should be out with real people instead of inside with blog people. But really, like you say, it’s just about enjoying all of the buffet–every dish has something new and yummy to offer. And we all just have to keep that in mind. :)
by Hillary on February 21, 2008 at 8:38 am. #
Ditto!
by TheVasquez3 on February 21, 2008 at 10:47 am. #
I’m finding it interesting now that I’ve STOPPED blogging (and wow, it’s a freeing feeling for me actually! :)) that I am beginning to find out who my “real” online friends are. They’re the ones who take time to catch up with me irregardless of my blogging status. It’s an interesting “experiment” as it were . . . As much as I love online friendships, I prefer the real-life ones . . . some of which have formed quickly, some not so much!
by Kate on February 21, 2008 at 1:16 pm. #
It is a little scary how blogging can trump real life at times. Thanks for the reminder.
by Annette Lyon on February 21, 2008 at 1:59 pm. #
Balance, hon. It’s all balance. Things will swing from side to side throughout all of your life, you just need to acknowledge it and remember to try and shift the weight regularly. I’m feeling very metaphorical today… sorry.
by Tracey on February 21, 2008 at 2:13 pm. #
I could have written this, though I likely wouldn’t have said it so well. I’m an all or nothing person too. Balance is so difficult for me to achieve.
by Summer on February 21, 2008 at 3:06 pm. #
Oh my goodness! I laughed out loud about your mildly annoying phonecall. I’ve had that SAME phone call where I just was sort of annoyed about a friend not saying concisely what the problem was.
And you’re absolutely right! What I wanted was some uploaded pictures and a comment section, where I could say my piece in 2 paragraphs or less.
This probably doesn’t bode well for my real life friendships, does it?
by JustRandi on February 21, 2008 at 3:25 pm. #
I really only have one friend that I can say doesn’t blog and she calls me regularly and sometimes I am put off alittle. I am fairly new at blogging (2months), but I enjoy it alot. Its my husband to be honest that sometimes gets annoying during my daily reads of blogs. But I have been thinking about how my mind has changed somewhat since blogging. And I have decided that I have to be careful. I like you, can be a all or nothing lady. So I have to keep it under control because nothing is worth losing relationships over. Great Post by the way.
by Jan on February 21, 2008 at 3:39 pm. #
Beautifully put!
I, myself, prefer an in-person, face-to-face friendship above all. And yet, my female relationships take much time to develop – I have issues with trust, with trusting women, because of certain ‘friendships’ I’ve had in the past.
I agree that the friendships that seem to last are the ones in which the basics just seem to instantly CLICK. But I really do need time to develop the relationship.
I think all but one of my close, ‘real-life’ friends has a blog, so I can stay in touch with them really well now. But, there was a point where, when I would talk with a friend who didn’t read my blog, or didn’t have a blog, it was a little slower conveying information – I just assumed she read my blog and knew everything about my life consequently! So I would skip over things, or not go into complete detail…
I love the new blogging friends I’ve made though. I truly believe that I have been led to many, if not all of them, for some very specific purposes. I hope it’s not pathetic to say, but blogging has changed my life, in ways I’ve desperately needed. :)
by Magirk on February 21, 2008 at 5:15 pm. #
I’ve been contemplating my virtual self versus my “real” self lately, too. Sometimes my virtual self feels more real because on my blog I’m not inhibited by what people might be thinking — I just talk and talk and talk about what’s on my mind.
Now a lot of people that I actually know in real life have found my virtual self, and it makes me nervous. Yesterday my visiting teacher was over and talking about books — and we’re both on Goodreads. I was mortified that she might actually read one of my reviews and then disagree with what I said and then not like me!
However, joining my two worlds together has, overall, been a great experience. I’ve had deeper relationships with people because we both found we’ll open up online more than we would have otherwise.
But yeah, I still get annoyed that a couple of people I’d like to keep caught up with won’t start a blog or join Facebook. Don’t they know I could keep up with them better if they’d just do that?? :-)
by Beth on February 21, 2008 at 5:24 pm. #
My problem is that I relate to a lot of my blogging friends more than my real-life friends. In the blogging world I can choose people who are doing similar things, children etc, but my real life friends go down different paths and it makes it harder to relate. I guess that’s the difference, I can pick and chose the blogs I read, I can’t always pick and chose my “real life” friends.
by Cristy on February 21, 2008 at 5:32 pm. #
Honestly, I’m just glad that I have some friends now through blogging!
In “real life” I have one friend from when I was 15 who I stay in contact with. Other than that, there isn’t anyone here who shares enough of my interests and lifestyle to become very close.
Twice I started forming friendships with new people who moved into my ward. They both ended up gravitating towards each other and without meaning to, now very much exclude themselves from becoming close friends with anyone else. I’m mostly ok with that now. I wasn’t for a while. It’s not always enough to “be a friend” to have friends.
Like Cristy, I relate to my blogging friends more than any of my “real life” friends.
Since I’m now taking an active part in a homeschooling group I’m starting to meet more people. The hard thing for me is that I like to be social, but am a very private person. I have a hard time sharing my thoughts and ideas with someone when I feel like I might have to defend them, or tread on eggshells not to offend. Friendship to me is a deep, underlying understanding of another person that goes both ways.
I so wish I had that.
by Rebecca on February 21, 2008 at 5:44 pm. #
I loved this post!
I have struggled with this too. In real life, you have the constraints of geography and you are limited to the people that live near-by where online you can find like-minded people. Also though, I think it is easier to make friends online because you (and they) can edit blog posts and translate your life however you wish – which, let’s face it, makes all of our lives seem a lot more interesting than they really are.
Having said that, getting to know some of my real life friends has actually been easier through the blog. We can read about each other’s lives and I think it has brought us closer together.
Oops, sorry for the novel in your comments.
by andi on February 21, 2008 at 6:06 pm. #
This is something I consider frequently. Am I spending so much time blogging that I’m not even trying.
Doesn’t help that my bestest friends live far away and I keep tabs through blogging. ;)
But am I trying hard enough here or just coasting because of bloglandia?
Ponder ponder!
by Dedee on February 21, 2008 at 8:10 pm. #
I know completely, without a doubt, that my blogging friends take a strange kind of precidence (did I spell that right?) over friends in real life. Probably because I don’t have any really good friends here at this moment. And the one girl I was starting to get close to, is moving. Just my luck…
Perhaps I should try a little harder, eh?
by Melissa on February 21, 2008 at 8:57 pm. #
Real-life friendships? Whaaaa?
Kidding. Great post.
by Luisa Perkins on February 21, 2008 at 10:53 pm. #
you mean we get to have friends in real life too? wow! i am so outta here!
okay first. yes. it has had a huge impact because i REALLY really enjoy this interaction. and i don’t love calling. so calling has fallen by the wayside as i just don’t have time for it anymore. from the blogging.
secondly. i wish i could start remembering what my secondlies were.
oh yes, it was that the real life friendships are weird because non-bloggers don’t care about your blogging, and so you can’t go “oh hey guess what cool thing happened to me in the blogosphere?” they look at you then motion for the guys-in-white. with white hug-me jackets.
there is no thirdly. or if there is i forgot that too.
by holly on February 21, 2008 at 11:59 pm. #
there was a thirdly. well there is now.
you need your real-lifers. and we will understand if you have to take some time from us to give to them. i promise my tantrum won’t be that big. or last more than the weekend.
by holly on February 22, 2008 at 12:00 am. #
Well my friend, I have to beg to differ on one thing you said in this post. You do too read boring blogs as evidenced by your presence on mine :o) LOL
I cherish friendship wherever I find it regardless of the source. The blog is really just a place for me to record snipets of my life but in the process I have met some fabulous people.
by Tonya on February 22, 2008 at 2:58 am. #
Being so new to this blogging thing, I haven’t let new friendships overshadow my current in-the-flesh friendships. Of course, give it time and I might kick them to the curb…
by Carolyn on February 22, 2008 at 3:58 am. #
I need to remember that as lovely as my blogging life is, it is only one facet of a multi-faceted existence. A beautiful one, but…only one.
hear, hear!! i completely relate to this. the balance of blogging is always a tricky thing for me. one that i am constantly having to evaluate in relation to my real life friendships.
by aubrey on February 22, 2008 at 4:44 am. #
After blogging for a while now, I often just feel exhausted, period – trying to be a good wife, a good mother, and a decent friend online or across the street.
I think adult friendships take a while to develop. I have a couple of close friends that I see all the time now, but it took us a while to really hit it off.
With work, busy-ness, etc.
Anyway, I’m glad you stuck it out and became closer with the other Mom nearby. Those kind of friends are family…
by Lisa Milton on February 22, 2008 at 6:11 pm. #
You’re completely right sweetie. And I think friendships in the blogosphere are a little easier at times as you can lurk on the edges and get to know someone a little before you make yourself vulnerable.
I’ve found my blog friendships have done the opposite though. Meeting and getting to know so many lovely people, you included, has made me reach out more to my mates in some ways, as I feel a little brighter and a little more confident with all the bloggy love.
Sighhh. And now I feel all soppy.
Oh, and I love the new look. Very clean and fresh and cute.
xx
by Jo Beaufoix on February 23, 2008 at 3:01 pm. #
sometimes it strikes me as odd that i call people my friends whom i have never met. and yet you are. and through blogging we learn so much about each other’s thoughts and feelings. the things that we don’t always get to talk about with people that we see.
for me, too, it’s about finding a balance, because i don’t think it would be healthy to have all my friends be of the cyber variety. we need real human contact, too. and yet i am grateful to have made some good friends and met some quality women through blogging.
by Michal on February 24, 2008 at 12:26 am. #