My Heart Stopped
by Kym on March 12, 2008
You know that kind of moment? Where you feel this painful grinding lurch in your chest and for a split-second you shut down. No outside stimuli. No sound. No sight. Because your brain is in panic driven overdrive.
It happened tonight. And it started with a thump. Neil and I exchanged looks then ran, hearts ground to a halt. There was only one thing that sound could be. That terrifying thud of a child’s head colliding with something.
Too panicked to sob as I ran up the stairs. Heard Becca wail. Conscious. She was conscious. Into the room, her in Neil’s arms. No blood.
No blood.
My heart churned back into action and its steady pumping pushed the tears out. Stroked her cheek. Murmured comfort. Pressed my cheek against hers.
She was okay. Is okay. Rationality reasserted itself. There was nothing else for her to collide with. We’d prepared. No sharp edges. All toys gathered in at the close of day. Just the carpeted floor ready to welcome the first time crib escapee.
In that moment of relieved tears relieving the angst it hit me. How very, very much I love my little girls. Some might quirk a brow at that. Hadn’t I realized before? Oh yes. Many, many times over again. But always interrupted by cries and screams and tantrums. Messes and mayhem. Attitude and anger.
In the midst of a panicked moment I found the understanding that I do not love them despite all the trouble and trial that raising two toddlers can be. I do not love them only when they are sweet and loving. I love the entirety of them.
My patience? It is conditional. My temper? Oh yes. Very much so. My love? It is not.
33 comments
can I just say WOW? WOWOWOWOW! what a wonderful post. It touched my heart.
I am so glad your little one is okay. HOld her alittle tighter just for me…for just a second.
by Corey~living and loving on March 12, 2008 at 5:59 am. #
Oh man. Well written. My heart was thumping as I read it. Hope she’s okay.
by Carolyn on March 12, 2008 at 6:03 am. #
It’s amazing how our hearts and minds change when we have children. A mother’s love is an intense and awesome thing.
I hope the bumps and bruises (if there are any) heal soon.
by AIKATERINE on March 12, 2008 at 11:27 am. #
I’m glad she’s okay! That is so scary!
by Tirzah on March 12, 2008 at 12:35 pm. #
Oh yes, I know that feeling. The one where you could swear that all the blood has just drained from your body. I’m so glad she is okay. Once again, a beautiful post.
by Tonya on March 12, 2008 at 12:36 pm. #
I really like your last sentence. Nice way to put it.
I had one of those moments a few weeks ago when we were moving in to our new place and my 15 month old daughter fell down the whole flight of stairs and smacked into the wood floors. I was accross the room and watched the whole thing happen, in slow motion. Luckily she was just fine, but seriously the roller coaster it put me on was the exact kind a mother hates!
by Cristy on March 12, 2008 at 1:08 pm. #
Even though we have the reality of how much we love and adore our children in our minds all the time. Its in moments like that we have a surged reality check of how precious our time is with them. Our love for them somehow grows deeper and gratitude swells stronger when we hear those crys for help. So glad she was okay Kimberly.
by Jan on March 12, 2008 at 2:11 pm. #
You wonderful wonderful awesome girl!! I know those moments all too well… but, they are usually followed by a bit of frustration because I’ve had a scare. So glad you were able to recognize love instead!
by Melissa on March 12, 2008 at 2:39 pm. #
My heart was pounding along with yours. What a great storyteller you are!
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by Amber on March 12, 2008 at 2:59 pm. #
That’s so rough – that sound and the fear.
I can still hear the sound of Zack hitting the coffee table, 6 years ago, while I was right there and then the stitches.
But it was the sound that unnerved me.
by Lisa Milton on March 12, 2008 at 3:36 pm. #
oh my life. glad she’s okay!
by The MomBabe on March 12, 2008 at 4:23 pm. #
beautiful post.
by CamiKaos on March 12, 2008 at 4:36 pm. #
I’m so glad it wasn’t as bad as it sounded. You write so well, I was almost in tears by the end of the second paragraph! When I hear one of my girls crash into anything and then the wailing I make Jer look to see if there’s blood…not because I’m squeamish, but because I can’t bear the thought of any injury to them.
by Erin on March 12, 2008 at 4:39 pm. #
Beautiful post! You were able to put what so many of us mothers feel into words … thanks!
by An Ordinary Mom on March 12, 2008 at 5:15 pm. #
i’m afraid that with three boys, my first thought is usually, “i DO NOT want to go to the emergency room again!” but i do know that feeling when your heart stops because you think that something could be truly, awfully wrong. i hate that feeling. because i can’t imagine anything worse than losing one of them.
by Michal on March 12, 2008 at 5:48 pm. #
I love how you (anyone, really) finds the true colors of how you feel when the rubber meets the road. This was a scary thing (I know, I had two Houdini’s with my kids) but it’s a poignant reminder even through a negative, your heart is always true and not conditional.
Excellent post.
by Emma Sometimes on March 12, 2008 at 6:42 pm. #
I love coming to that realization time and again.
by Summer on March 12, 2008 at 6:45 pm. #
Truth. Deepest, purest, strongest love. What I have for my baby. Not so much a baby these days. Sure to be escaping his crib any day now. Breaking my heart.
by KJ on March 12, 2008 at 7:37 pm. #
Oh, those moments of terror! One of the things about motherhood that stresses me the most. :(
Sounds like she’s okay, though still heart-wrenching when it happens.
This may seem off topic, but I’ve noticed that it’s the moments in the middle of the night – vomit, potty needs, frightened screams – is the time when I’m best able to muster that quiet confidence that I mostly feel lacking of during the day. It’s weird. But those are the times when I’m the most caring mother.
It’s also the times when I’m able to most clearly feel that unconditional love that I have for them. For some reason, it just feels so clarified and real in those night-time moments.
Anyway. Best wishes!
by Magirk on March 12, 2008 at 8:14 pm. #
Yep, I know that kind of moment all too well.
You have spoken for every parent, Kimberly.
by david mcmahon on March 12, 2008 at 9:03 pm. #
My youngest is a monkey I’m dreading the climbing out of the crib moment.
by Fooferoo on March 12, 2008 at 10:04 pm. #
nothing gives you super powers like a bump to the noggin. i have crossed a football-field-size living room in an instant due to qoh’s owies.
i’ve dove (dived? diven…) into a pool with my clothes on for her.
but she owes me now. i get the very best room at the old folk’s home or else.
by holly on March 13, 2008 at 12:32 am. #
I love your mother heart. :)
by Elaine on March 13, 2008 at 1:33 pm. #
It’s that Mother Protectiveness that takes over and puts you in overdrive. Wait till there’s a Grandchild…I don’t know why, but it seems to be overdrive+ lol
David sent me, and I thank him once again…hug the bairn and go on as my Grand dad used to say…
Sandi
by Sandi McBride on March 13, 2008 at 2:24 pm. #
I held my breath as you ran up the stairs…and sighed with relief when everything was okay.
A wonderful heart-moving post!
btw – David sent me!
by aims on March 13, 2008 at 5:28 pm. #
As I read your post, my breath caught in the way that every parent is familiar with. I am so glad all is well. I don’t raise my eyebrow at all to you. I relate all too well those familiar feelings of love being pushed around by the daily stuff. In the end though, any trial is met with a fierce mama bear that rages within our hearts, defying anyone or anything to stand between us and the protection of our children.
by Jules~ on March 13, 2008 at 6:57 pm. #
Over from David’s blog.
You expressed that so well. I know that feeling. Well written. Glad she’s ok.
by CrazyCath on March 13, 2008 at 8:41 pm. #
Great post, glad she’s okay . glad YOU are okay.
by Daryl E on March 13, 2008 at 8:52 pm. #
My heart was in my mouth. what a little escape artist. So glad she’s ok and you’re ok. I loved this post. The love we have for our kids is the best. Sighhh. Hugs.
by Jo Beaufoix on March 13, 2008 at 10:29 pm. #
“Dazzled” is not easily accomplished with me. You, Dear Lady, have dazzled me! You capture, engage, and enlighten in a pleasant melded swirl of gentle sensitivity that neither threatens nor unsettles … but cradles my interest in an embrace of enticing imagery. I thank you.
by John-Michael on March 14, 2008 at 5:00 pm. #
Since my darling toddler is a dare devil I have those heart stopping moments quite often. But that moment when I realize everything is okay shows the depth of my love for this little sometimes-monster.
But I even have moments where it just hits me. Like yesterday watching him play at the playground with other kids made me realize how lucky I am to have such a great little human being.
by Jenera on March 14, 2008 at 8:26 pm. #
I so know how that feels! I’m glad she wasn’t hurt badly.
I’ve been having a lot of those filled-with-love moments for my kids. It’s a lot better than the resenting-the-heck-out-of-them-most-of-the-time that I had been doing. I’m a lot happier now!
by Rebecca on March 18, 2008 at 2:11 am. #
you’re a good mom, Kim.
by Julie Wright on March 24, 2008 at 5:17 am. #