Shutting Down
by Kym on March 21, 2008
A few days off from blogging just wasn’t enough, it would seem. I find myself sitting in front of the computer monitor’s flickering light, long past the time when I’ve read all I need to read, and written all I need to write. I don’t want to face the real world, where I fear I have no value…no meaning…no worth.
I don’t like myself much when I’m away from this keyboard. I’m not half so witty. I don’t touch half as many lives. I have such a…minimal effect on the world. The phone almost never rings here anymore. Leaving the house is an event. Partly this is due to winter and months of illness. But partly and certainly chronically, the problem lies in my own psyche.
I’m afraid to live. I have been I think for a very long time. I’m scared to face up to the reality of myself and the pseudo life I’ve crafted. I’m scared that I can’t fix what is broken or build what is yet to be built.
I’m weary though. Weary and weeping. And I cannot find the answers in my reading, writing, or prettily crafted pages.
I honestly don’t know how far I’m going away from this online life of mine or how long it will be before I come back. No guesses. No predictions. Just a lot of sadness and wondering…
Is this what a nervous breakdown feels like?
34 comments
I hope it’s temporary… I have the same problem without the excuse of cold weather and illness…
Do whatever it takes to feel good about yourself, you are a great person.
by Fooferoo on March 21, 2008 at 2:05 am. #
I know that feeling — like your “online self” doesn’t match your “real self” — I’ve always been able to express myself better in writing than in speech (especially when I can read and reread what I write). But I’ve concluded that my written self isn’t, by any means, fake — and in some ways it’s the truest representation of my desires without being snarled up by actually having to be brave and TALK to someone (one of my weaknesses).
I do think it’s very healthy to take breaks from the computer altogether (and you are a busy girl with lots of stress right now!), but I will miss you! Be gentle with yourself, because you really are a wonderful person, and I’m sure things will get better — tomorrow, even, after you rest a little, and especially as the weather warms and you get away from that Driveway of Doom!
*BIG HUGS*
by Beth on March 21, 2008 at 2:57 am. #
xoxo
You do what you need to!
by CamiKaos on March 21, 2008 at 2:59 am. #
Take care of yourself. ox
by Lisa Milton on March 21, 2008 at 3:27 am. #
Take good care of yourself my friend. Take your time and breathe. Go kiss and love and laugh with those sweet girls and even that sweet boy.
by Tonya on March 21, 2008 at 4:18 am. #
uh oh. i’m sorry, sweetie. take all the time you need. you need to make yourself number one. ((hugs))
by aubrey on March 21, 2008 at 4:45 am. #
Dear Twin,
Have you noticed my super short weird posts lately…?? I’m feeling some very similar feelings. Who am I when I’m not online? Why do I use computer time to define myself? And most importantly – what does it mean when my daughter freaks out because she can’t find me… and the only place she looked was the computer desk? :S
by Melissa on March 21, 2008 at 5:13 am. #
oh girlfriend. Take some time and figure out what’s going on inside that pretty little head of yours. I love you!
by The MomBabe on March 21, 2008 at 5:23 am. #
*big hugs* Hang in there sweetie, things will start to even out.
by ElizabethSheryl on March 21, 2008 at 5:33 am. #
oh Kim….I certainly don’t know you very well, but I do have hope that you find some peace in this. Life is about balance, and it sounds like you are feeling very off kilter.
hugs….I do hope you come back…feeling right with the world.
by Corey~living and loving on March 21, 2008 at 6:32 am. #
Oh Dear. This is not good.
Here’s a thought for you:
There is no pseudo life you’ve crafted. The life you’ve created through your keyboard is you. And it’s witty and interesting and thoughtful and beautiful. Your blog is an extension of you and it is the real world.
Nobody is keeping score anyway. Nobody says you have to touch a million lives in this lifetime. You really only need to love a select few. So focus on that. Love your girls and love your husband and love your family. Everything else is just icing on the cake.
“Be not afraid of life. Believe that life is worth living and your belief will help create the fact.” – William James
by Carolyn on March 21, 2008 at 8:16 am. #
So sad that you’re so sad :(
I understand the lure of the computer – it takes WAY too much of my time – to the point that I hate myself for the fact that it’s taking me away from time that would be better spent playing with my kids – I get very bored very quickly playing with kids and that’s sad, too.
Just wanted to say that from the smiles I see on your kids’ faces when you post pics, it seems to me that you’re making a very, very positive contribution in this world – focus on those positive things and make some more of them :)
Take however long you need – I think many of us understand this need to ‘cut yourself off’ – I pray that you will find the energy you’re looking for.
Godspeed.
by Annie on March 21, 2008 at 12:36 pm. #
I would have said exactly what Carolyn said. No one is keeping score. You have touched lives because we realize that your a genuine person. Your a rare find. We don’t come over to visit expecting more than what you feel like saying that day.
If you need a break remember this~ Your a treasure worth waiting for. We’ll always be back. Take Care Kim..
by Jan on March 21, 2008 at 3:04 pm. #
Lots of love, hon. Many others have said the same thing as I’m about to: Your online self isn’t completely who you are, nor is it a fake. Even if you are making stuff up every day (which I don’t think you are), the fabrications would still be a part of who you are.
Does your husband read your blog? Perhaps integrating the two pieces of yourself is what you’re needing?
I know it’s what I’m personally waiting for…
Hugs to you… I know how hard life can seem…
by Tracey on March 21, 2008 at 3:23 pm. #
No, but do you think you’ve got a touch of depression or S.A.D? Feb/March is when I always start feeling my absolute worse.
Your online “self” may be a more social facet of yourself. We all have lots of sides and lots of roles and sometimes lots of faces.
We cannot judge our own impact – there’s just no way to do that. And others have said it well… your impact shows in your healthy & happy children, and in other things that you do.
by Gerbil on March 21, 2008 at 5:56 pm. #
checking in on you…and so glad to see that so many wonderful people have said some really brillant things. Carolyn really said it how I was thinking it in my head.
Please take good care of you…and be as easy on yourself as you can.
by Corey~living and loving on March 21, 2008 at 7:00 pm. #
It makes me sad to hear that sadness in your words. You are a beautiful woman and you have value and worth. You are a friend and I’m absolutely positive that you are as lovely in person as you are online.
Take care of yourself and stay in touch. I’m going to miss my new friend.
by Erin on March 21, 2008 at 7:07 pm. #
I just kind of commented about this on Melissa’s blog. Yea, I think we all deal with this from time to time. The computer ISN’T real life, even though it sure feels easier sometime! I hit a low point with this maybe six months ago, and decided that I wouldn’t be a slave to blogging. I would only blog when I really had something I wanted to say or share, and comment when I wanted, and not feel guilty for not doing so when I didn’t have the time or the drive. It’s been better. As for YOU, I can’t imagine you are any different from the hilarious insightful person I read online. If you don’t think you are, then wake up and let her out! ;)
by Cristy on March 21, 2008 at 8:03 pm. #
Take as long as you need. And email me if you need too. I know a lot about nervous break downs. :)
by Summer on March 22, 2008 at 3:13 am. #
Love you. Not sure there’s more I can say…
by Brillig on March 22, 2008 at 3:49 am. #
Hang in there. You visited my blog recently and I was touched, many thanks. Keep blogging if you can, having had difficulties myself I’ve found doing at least one thing on a regular basis helped keep me going, and then others can send blog love and best wishes.
by Rosie on March 22, 2008 at 10:08 pm. #
Sweetie,
HUGS to you! My heart really went out to you on this one. I have no doubt you are just as beautiful and witty in person…and prayers that the two will connect.
I will be one of the many waiting in the wings….
by Amber on March 23, 2008 at 2:47 am. #
I can really relate to a lot of this. I think people who I know IRL are always suprised when they find out I write and that I’m funny or whatever. It seems safer online, to be myself.
((HUGS))
by That Chick Over There on March 23, 2008 at 2:12 pm. #
honey, you do what makes you feel good.
and if that means an end, then eventually i’ll stop crying.
but i think (and really, what i think is most important here, let’s not forget…) that you shouldn’t pass such harsh judgement on yourself. there, i’ve said it. you are naughty to you. you need to give yourself a timeout. i mean the you that is being mean to you. that you should get the time out. oh jeez i’m going to just have to draw a diagram.
my point, and i do have one, is that you are loved, but you should love you regardless of *anything*.
and no matter what happens, i still am going to come visit you some day. just so you know.
by holly on March 24, 2008 at 12:12 am. #
oh and happy hippity hoppity day. all those words and i forgot that. typical.
by holly on March 24, 2008 at 12:13 am. #
girl, take time off as long as you need. i had to run away from online stuff for a while when i realized I’d been sucked in and couoldn’t get out. I allow myself once or twice a week now. It’s managable and i don’t lose myself. I so know what you mean.
by Julie Wright on March 24, 2008 at 5:10 am. #
I think we have all been in this boat before!
Hope you had a Happy Easter!
by An Ordinary Mom on March 24, 2008 at 5:15 am. #
Been there. Hope the light comes out soon.
by Annette Lyon on March 24, 2008 at 7:46 pm. #
Hugs and Love to you.
by Ms.L on March 24, 2008 at 10:30 pm. #
Hoping you are ok. Taking a break can be a good thing.
Hope you come back soon. Be well.
by Life As I Know It on March 25, 2008 at 2:01 am. #
Maybe it’s just all this dang winter. Good luck with your packing. I’ll be thinking of all your hard work while I’m sitting on the couch because I can’t get up.
by The Lazy Organizer on March 25, 2008 at 5:12 am. #
I am leaving this comment with the realization that it will be be lost with the other 32 comments here and maybe go unnoticed. You will not visit my page, because I am boring – uninteresting – and my online self is no more appealing than my offline self …
Does that mean I don’t have any value?
I spent the last 24 hours talking privately with an online friend who is suffering from severe depression. That may be the only common bond we have, but it’s nice to know neither of us are alone … Does that matter?
I just fixed a huge dinner for my family – did two loads of laundry – swept and cleaned the bathroom – bagged up the garbage and washed a sink load of dishes which will have to be washed again before I blink … Does that matter?
I work a job that I love, but it’s unimpressive to anyone else. I get way less than 40 hours a week, but I do it to the best of my ability and each month when that money goes into my bank account, I have a little extra to spend on my kids … Does that matter?
I write short stories and dream of being a writer when my kids go to college. My dream – the rest of the world could care less, but it doesn’t matter, because I own it. It’s as much a part of me as the nose on my face. Does it matter?
You give yourself too little credit, kiddo. Take care of yourself. Live, love and enjoy the things that truly make you happy, because guess what? Nobody else is going to make sure you do that. Nobody is ever going to care half as much as you do about you and your family. You matter … and, it’s time you stop telling yourself you don’t. And, if someone is making you feel like you don’t – ditch ‘em. They’re sucking the life out of you.
by AIKATERINE on March 26, 2008 at 2:53 am. #
Love you. Sorry I missed this one. Keep your chin up, you will be fine. Have a rest. Act on what you want to do, not what you think you should or must or ought to. I’ve learned over the past couple of years with my own head moments that sometimes you just need to be nice to yourself and listen to what your head is screaming at you. If it’s saying ‘stop’ right now, then stop. We will still be here..
xx
by Jo Beaufoix on March 28, 2008 at 12:32 am. #
this sounds a lot like my on-again off-again mid life crisis. mostly these days it’s off-again, but just when i’m thinking i’m FAN!tastic, i get a teensy bit melancholy once more.
i know you wrote this a few weeks ago, and i’m late chiming in here, and it does seem that you’re doing better, but just in case the sadness and wondering cycles through again–you are loved, sweet kim.
by Nic on March 31, 2008 at 10:24 pm. #