Temporary? Insanity

Last summer I received a phone call that shattered me. My mum had a seizure, was rushed to the hospital and was in the ICU. On a ventilator. And they had no idea what was wrong.

I can’t remember what arrangements I made for the kids, I just remember the frantic five hour drive that I did in four. I remember the way my chest kept tightening and aching like mad, and trying to sing to myself as I sped through the mountains, for the first time ever completely heedless of the stark natural beauties surrounding that roadway.

But those memories are fuzzy and blurred when contrasted with my memories of clutching my mum’s hand as she lay in the ICU. Stroking her face, murmuring I don’t know what, trying to find words to let her know I was there in case she could hear. Periodically her eyes would fly open and she would stare around her, obviously terrified, unable to properly hear or see those who wanted to comfort her. She’d eventually slump back into complete unconsciousness, having not really been fully awake, leaving us to wonder were her periods of terror a good sign or a bad.

As I sat there holding her hand, hearing the scary hiss of the ventilator behind me, I vowed that if I would exert myself in every way possible to make sure my girls never had a similar experience. I well knew that my life was an unhealthy one. Sedentary. Full of far too many sweets and processed foods. I knew I needed to make some changes.

I lost twenty pounds that summer.

My mum has mostly recovered. She had been stricken with a severe case of viral encephalitis, a disease that can lie dormant for decades and suddenly strike. Mum had been run down by various stresses, which may have made her more susceptible. Or not. It’s hard to say. She was diagnosed with diabetes during her time in the hospital as well, and is now living her life accordingly.

She’s dropped over ten dress sizes now. She’s always been an incredible example to me, and inspired me in a multitude of ways, but her recent passion for health and wellness is especially poignant for me.

I’d forgotten. In the midst of the terror and trauma of that time I could never have countenanced the idea that I might forget the lessons I was learning. My commitment was full and entire, and the thought I might stray from it didn’t enter into my thinking at all.

I’m not neglecting to pat myself on the back for the positive changes I’ve made in my life, but there’s no denying that my commitment has wavered. Today is Earth Day, a time to focus on what we as individuals can do to protect and replenish our world. Amid the wonderful ideas being shared on how to be more eco-friendly, I’m adding a small one to my Green To Do List.

Be a healthy individual and raise health conscious children. Most importantly, be healthy enough…alive enough, to raise them period.

If my children have to clutch my hand as I lie suffering in a hospital bed I want it to be as it was when my mum was ill. I want it to be through no fault of my own. I want my children to be as fortunate as I was, to not have to add bitter recriminations to the sorrow and terror of such a time.

I hereby recommit to live my life in a way that will ensure that never happens to my children. I came too terrifyingly close to that myself, and I will not…will not! inflict that level of suffering on my darling girls.

You will see a new addition to my sidebar today. I’m going to share my progress there. I resolve not to delete the widget when I’m struggling. Or to “forget” to update it regularly. I’ve done that in the past…let shame overwhelm hope.

Not this time.