The Wonderfulness that is Emma
by Kym on June 29, 2008
See that little girl? Her and I, we’ve been duking it out since the day she was born. She refused to nurse from day one, screamed till she turned purple every time you changed her diaper, and even as a newborn only took twenty minute long naps. From the very start, our little Emma Ann has been exhausting.
She’s boisterous and bouncy, and a consummate button pusher. In public, I constantly find myself apologizing for her or explaining that she’s younger than she looks. I find myself comparing her to her much mellower younger sister far, far too often.
It does not feel good to be doing that. So why am I doing it? My self-destructive tendencies often worry me.
During our lovely long weekend trip (which I’m still on!) I got to visit with my very dear friend Lucy. I would go off into raptures now about what a lovely visit it was..our synchronicity…the loveliness that is her, but I don’t want to make you jealous. Anyway, we got talking about that problem of comparing our kids to each other and what a negative pattern that can be to get into.
I? Am trying, trying, trying to get out of it.
I’m coming to recognize that those days when Neil comes home from work to find that I have “had it” with our oldest daughter, are generally the days when I’ve been slacking off in other areas. In short, most if not all of the problem is traceable back to me and my poor time management skills.
*ahemtoomuchtimeonthecomputercoughahem*
Emma’s loudness, energy, and her willfull nature are all qualities I admire and applaud in her (when I happen to be having a good day, that is). I love how joyful she is. I love that she loves people in general, enough to introduce herself to strangers and tell them she loves them and give them hugs. I love the way she dances and sings (except of course when she’s dancing on her little sister). Her exuberance can be contagious if I allow it to be, and really only wears on me when I’m too tired or too busy.
I’m learning to let go of my selfish nature, just a little bit, so I can make room to love my daughter unconditionally. I thought that was a given, you know, but that doesn’t seem to have been the case with me. I’m often selfish and small minded. Loving my daughters does come naturally. Loving them without condition? That’s been more of a gradual process, I think.
I want more for Emma than a mother who, when tired and stressed, wants her daughter to be a little quieter, a little calmer. Because sometimes when I’m asking that, I’m asking her to be a little less herself. And that doesn’t feel right at all.
Neil and I were away all day yesterday while my parents watched the kids. When Emma saw me this morning she lit up with joy and ran down the hallway and threw herself into my arms screaming, “Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! I missed you!”
I missed her too. And I’m determined to stop missing out on the wonderfulness that is Emma while I’m still privileged enough to have her at home with me, delighting me every day.
Still away till Wednesday. Look forward to catching up with you all once I’m back home.
26 comments
well i’m glad you finally *finally* owned up to being selfish. it’s the first step towards recovery. i mean, if you’re going to take the non-alcoholic route, which i assume you are. ME? i prefer to wash away my troubles with malibu.
KIDDING!!!! (you knew that, right?)
oh and could i please show that big long word to my husband? i think that’s his problem with *our* three year old.
by holly on June 29, 2008 at 10:38 pm. #
A wonderful ditty for Emma from mother. So glad you had some time.
Our kids truly are a blessing and each moment matters. Have a great week Kim.
by Jan on June 29, 2008 at 11:27 pm. #
She sounds so much like Lexi as a baby; I kept wondering when she was going to sleep like they are supposed to .
(Just so you know, in some ways, it has become easier. She’s a great student, and kind.)
I compare my kids all the time. I try not to. Zack is so foreign to me that I struggle getting him…
I’m working on it too.
Well, have a great time away and enjoy that awesome kid of yours.
by Lisa Milton on June 30, 2008 at 12:54 am. #
And you have just described Evan…
Love that kid to pieces, but he can go hot and cold on you like a snap. His exuberance and noise is never ending.
by Tracey on June 30, 2008 at 2:08 am. #
I think you love Emma very much. Someday she’ll appreciate having a mother who would try so hard to give her what she needs and to let her be herself.
by Sarah on June 30, 2008 at 3:02 am. #
knowing what is YOUR part in the process is the toughie, especially when you are tired and grumpy. You hit the nail on the head when you said that when you are in a good mood you are better able to accept her behavior. That is so true. Sometimes we need to stop ourselves and realize it is us not them.
BUT it is good to teach her that other people have feelings, so it is good to be respectful of others. I say things like, “mama is feeling grumpy right now, and I can’t handle all the noise. Can you try harder to use your quiet voice?” sometimes it works….others not so much, but it is worth a try.
by Corey~living and loving on June 30, 2008 at 4:51 am. #
Hmmm…”I’ve had it”…I distinctly remember my own mum using that phrase on ME! :) That willpower and exuberance could be common to first-borns. I do know that my mom was adept at loving each of us for who we are, and bringing out our individuality, even when it clashed with her own.
Nice insights. You’ve just inspired me to post something about me and my calmer younger sister. :)
by charrette on June 30, 2008 at 8:43 am. #
Your description of Emma is how I often feel about my Hadley. We have had a battle of wills from Day 1 and often dread the teen-age years.
But she is also a joy, a social butterfly and a delight and I am ALWAYS reminding myself of that!
by Amber on June 30, 2008 at 12:09 pm. #
Thanks for writing this, Kim — it’s so honest — and it looks like a lot of people identify with the not-completely-in-love-all-the-time feeling — me included. While loving my second child seemed to come much more naturally, sometimes I butt heads with my older one — due to myself putting MY agenda in front of his, usually (I am waaay selfish, too!!)
He is a lot more fun now that he’s older. I remember writing in my journal the first few months when he was born and censoring myself BIG TIME because I knew a good mother wouldn’t feel like I felt (I felt like I didn’t even LIKE my baby).
And yes, it’s ironic how the things that drive us crazy about our kids are the characteristics we love the most about them. Logan is so smart and fun and exuberant that I’d never trade him for anyone, for anything; he brightens up my life in so many ways.
Look at me, I sound crazy. Maybe kids make us crazy. ;-)
by Beth on June 30, 2008 at 2:49 pm. #
Oh, and I love reading about Emma (sorry, that last comment ended up being all about me, and this here’s YOUR blog, and EMMA’S post). Beautiful girl!
by Beth on June 30, 2008 at 2:51 pm. #
Boy, that described Count Dooku to a T! Poor you! I know where you’re coming from.
by Summer on June 30, 2008 at 5:03 pm. #
Ah… it’s amazing what getting away from home can do. I didn’t have time to be on the computer while we were home. And it was lovely. I enjoyed so many amazing things with my kids and not one of them involved a screen…
by Melissa on June 30, 2008 at 7:11 pm. #
I always love them more when I first walk in the door…until someone wants something to eat, again.
by Dapoppins on June 30, 2008 at 10:36 pm. #
I actually said something to my husband about that the other day. We can’t get upset with them for misbehaving if we’re not paying attention to them! It makes it much easier to handle dealing with them when I remember that!!
by tricki_nicki on June 30, 2008 at 11:57 pm. #
sisters make really good dance floors.
actually, i wouldn’t know this, as i was never fortunate enough to have a sister to dance upon, but i *would* know about the part where the frustrating behavior of my children can almost always be tracked back to me–not paying enough attention to them–again.
i’m quite good at step number one: identifying the problem (me). i’m not so good at steps two, three, and four–don’t know exactly what they are, but presumably they involve doing something about the problem.
which is why it’s always a relief to stop by your blog and gain some sound mommying advice.
by Nic on July 1, 2008 at 1:07 am. #
Oh, this was a sweet post, Kim. I, too, far too often wish for quieter, calmer…but alas, their spirits filled with joy are a wonder and a delight, and they DO leave all to quickly from the nest that when they’re young they seemed bent on disturbing eternally. This was a great post, and just made me really miss my own kidlets. I’m determined to enjoy them more when they come home at the end of July. Thank you for that. xoxo!
by Jenna Consolo on July 1, 2008 at 2:50 am. #
Our visit was WAY too short, but hey, at least we had a few hours together to hang out … even if it was overly hot :) !!
Thanks for posting this, I needed to be reminded of this yet again. However, I really do feel like I am slowly making progress on this front. We really do need to celebrate the uniqueness of each child and embrace who they are instead of trying to always shush them and make them fit the mold of the child we think we should have.
by An Ordinary Mom on July 1, 2008 at 7:22 pm. #
There is a fine balance to walk in motherhood. One where you are the loving nurturing mommy and one where you don’t lose yourself entirely in your children. I think knowing where the line is and walking it is an amazing thing for both kids and mom. I’ve yet to learn. I waver back and forth between the sides of selfishness and sides of “I’m lost!” But I never seem able to stay in the middle. If you learn that secret, let me know!
by Julie Wright on July 1, 2008 at 8:53 pm. #
First of all, let me just get this out of the way right up front: you are a fantastic writer. Have I told you that recently? I love the way you capture the whole “my daughter is wonderful but she drives me up the wall sometimes” angst. I’m dealing with a willful daughter myself most days and I have to resist the urge to wonder why she is so different from her siblings. Not that they were perfect, but I just handled them better somehow. Maybe it’s just me. Maybe she’s just her. Maybe I just need to miss her more and delight in her wonderfulness more.
You said it gorgeously.
by Julie Q. on July 2, 2008 at 1:50 pm. #
I really admire you, this post just makes you even cooler in my mind. I hope you are having a lovely trip.
by Jaina on July 2, 2008 at 4:10 pm. #
She sounds very similar to our #3.
I believe that their traits that drive us absolutely crazy right now, are the same ones that will make them very successful adults.
by Jill on July 2, 2008 at 8:20 pm. #
Babe, she is amazing, but so is her mummy. I had similar problems with Miss E, but someone once said to me, ‘How will she ever learn to cope with her emotions if she isn’t able to practise them all now’ and that really helped. E has always been dramatic, so she is either wildly happy or wildly emotional and so much like me. Now she is nearly 8 her humour and character is really coming out and I’m really starting to appreciate her more for who she is. She’s wicked and I love it, so don’t be so hard on yourself if you find some things hard, there’s plenty more to come and it gets easier. You are a wonderful mummy. It’s ok to be exasperated sometimes.
by Jo Beaufoix on July 2, 2008 at 10:08 pm. #
Sweet. And a little time away is good, especially if it helps you through the rough patches.
by Shauna Loves Chocolate on July 2, 2008 at 10:19 pm. #
Our children are our greatest joy.
But you already knew that.
by david mcmahon on July 3, 2008 at 12:31 am. #
I have those moments all too often. The good thing is that we think about these things now, instead of waiting until they’re grown.
by Rebecca on July 3, 2008 at 6:10 am. #
Your Emma is destined for great things…she won’t be a follower, she’ll be a leader. You are so proud of her, and you will be prouder still. Encourage all that is Emma to be…you may be spanking the future President of the United States…so go easy!
Sandi
ps
David sent me! Congrats on Post of the Day
by Sandi McBride on July 4, 2008 at 11:05 am. #