Shifting Moments
by Kym on August 23, 2008
I enjoy writing here, and most especially writing words that touch and resonate with my readers. I’m not sure this will, to be honest, but I’m putting it out there anyway. An odd mood seized me the other day and the cathartic power of putting it into words to share seems the best way to shake it.
Have you ever been caught in the transience of a specific moment? Felt it slip and slide from your grasp, watched it wriggle and writhe? And known, somehow just known, that because you’d lost it you’d been sent skittering down an entirely different path. That the moment was a crossroads sort of moment and for good or ill, you’d lost your chance to choose. Or had chosen through uncertainty.
For all my recent expressions of hope for the future, looking back is still a remarkably difficult experience for me. It’s full of wincing and grimacing because hindsight is not 20/20 as we’re told. It’s a far greater magnification than that, the better to see by, the better to wallow by.
I spent years, literally years of my life moping. Mulling over how much better life could have been if I hadn’t been such a dull witted, self-absorbed fool. Chances at love, travel, career success. All slipped away in a shifting blur of moments that I didn’t have the perspicacity to make sense of.
And yet, I don’t look bitterly upon my past experiences. Social awkwardness and repeated humiliations have shaped me into the empathetic woman I am today. Recognition of missed opportunities has me (almost too much so) willing to reach and grasp at new ones.
Still, I avoid dwelling on my past overmuch. It colours my present too much. Hues of shame smearing over the quickly fleeting moments when I am actually present. When I am still able to choose. Remembering who I was then and lamenting it distracts me from looking forward to who I have it in me to become.
Moments come though. Moments of sudden memory. A chance encounter. A smell. An expression on a stranger’s face. There is no predicting the catalysts that may arise, sending me spiralling into a deep well of whimsy and regret. But there is no time machine. No magic.
And I’m glad of it, I suppose. Because I know I’d take my chance and choose differently. Take one of those shifting moments and hold it steady to a different course. And I know I’d regret it. I know what I could stand to lose.
So I climb. I climb out of that well, ascending to the present once more. Here. Here in this moment is where I can live.
24 comments
Such a great message. It’s so easy, too often, to dwell on the past and in the process miss out on the present. Thanks for this post…what a great reminder!
by Shanna on August 23, 2008 at 4:49 am. #
Oh, Kimberly, that was so well written! It’s so true, too! I can relate so well to the looking back and wishing and regretting, but knowing that who I am now is because of all that.
I love your new look. : ) And hey, I’m going to be famous one day? How cool is that!!
by Erin on August 23, 2008 at 5:34 am. #
What a breathtaking and refreshing post!
Now is the moment I, too, need to embrace.
by An Ordinary Mom on August 23, 2008 at 6:16 am. #
LOL, I will be famous one day right along with you!
by An Ordinary Mom on August 23, 2008 at 6:18 am. #
I think we all have moments where we wonder “Did I make the right choice?” And really… once the choice is made and we’ve lived that moment, it doesn’t matter. There is nothing we can do to change that moment. What matters is how we move on from that moment.
by Melissa on August 23, 2008 at 6:43 am. #
And yet, I don’t look bitterly upon my past experiences. Social awkwardness and repeated humiliations have shaped me into the empathetic woman I am today. Recognition of missed opportunities has me (almost too much so) willing to reach and grasp at new ones.
That is so wonderful. I watch people whose past experiences have made them bitter and unable to move forward, unable to empathise with others, unable to even see opportunities, let alone grasp them.
This is another beautiful post.
by razzler on August 23, 2008 at 9:18 am. #
Love the post and the new bloggy look. You’ve been a busy lady! Looks great.
So well said, once again. So true that if we could have the chance to go back and re-write that script, we would take some of the bad stuff out. But then, life now wouldn’t be what it is.
Thank you for this post,
Heather
by heather of the EO on August 23, 2008 at 12:45 pm. #
Your post resonated with me, but not in a direct fashion – more horizontally. I spent a couple years of my life trying to figure out whom to marry; I had three really serious choices, and my indecision cost me and those other three a lot of pain and time.
I’m happily married now, to the last of the three, but sometimes my past will overtake me, and I find myself, like you, overcomme by a catalyst that sends “me spiralling into a deep well of whimsy and regret.”
Except regret isn’t the right word here, because I’m very happy in my marriage, and with my husband. More that all the other potential crossroads come at me again, and I still feel plagued by indecision and lack of certainty – about life, about me, about my ability to let of of the past, let go of what limits me.
I know it’s not quite what you were describing, but the way it affects you, the imagery of the words really hit home with me.
Thanks.
by Thora on August 23, 2008 at 2:10 pm. #
Yep, I can relate to all this. The thing is, we all say that we wouldn’t actually change anything because then we wouldn’t be who we are today. But if we’d taken another path, seized one of those opportunities, we’d feel the same way about those other results. Different happinesses, different miseries, same boat.
by Memarie Lane on August 23, 2008 at 2:26 pm. #
I love this Kim. You’ve captured my life completely. I regret not sending in my application to BYU Hawaii, it sat on my desk for weeks, filled out, just waiting for an envelop and a postage stamp.
I regret not going and living with my Aunt and Uncle in California in order to pursue an acting career as my mother encouraged me to do.
I regret no using my scholarship money and attending even the University of Lethbridge, or University of Calgary and pursuing acting.
Yet, I love the smell of annaya (prob. didn’t spell that right)it reminds me of the summer I spent at Provincials, both as a coach and swimmer. I love churros from the bakery, they remind me of the Carribean Festival in 97 when I went to Isla Mujeres Mexico. I love the sound of my kids laughing, and I love the smell of Cornbread Dressing. It reminds me of my dad and my Grandmother.
So much to regret, but so much to embrace.
That’s why memories are so much vibrant. So that you can capture what you want to, hold them close, and cherish them.
by Abra on August 23, 2008 at 8:05 pm. #
Looking lovely young lady, and this is a beautiful post. I see so much of myself when I read this and you’re right, for all my regrets, what if’s and could have beens, I wouldn’t give ‘now’ up for the world.
by Jo Beaufoix on August 23, 2008 at 8:45 pm. #
Kim, thank you. This is something that today, right now, I really needed to read. I know that it was about you and your experiences, but it felt like you were talking to me.
I came full stop and to attention, and I needed that. So thank you for putting this out there.
by Guinhyvar on August 24, 2008 at 2:55 am. #
I read an article on time once that told about the theory of parallel universes and all our other possibilities going on in them, like having made different choices. Beyond mind boggling to think about, but occasionally the impy desire to see what if I had have x where I’d be now. Mostly, I’m too busy trying not to trip over myself and my same dumb mistakes minute by minute. Thanks for sharing the thought!
by Shellie on August 24, 2008 at 5:11 am. #
It’s hard not to get sucked into regret sometimes. I hate the feeling when I do because changing the past is completely outside of my control and yet I feel anger toward myself for not changing whatever it is I did at the time. I’ve grown better at realizing that wallowing over those things is a poor investment of my time, but it’s so hard not to do it.
A thought-provoking post.
by Melanie J on August 24, 2008 at 11:48 am. #
Well put as always. Just yesterday, I was thinking about the crossroads of my life. Specifically, events or attitudes that changed everything. I came up with three and while it wasn’t the path I originally would have chosen, I am so glad I did.
by Amber on August 24, 2008 at 2:17 pm. #
Ah, here’s the Kimberly I love, with lots of wonderful insights seeping up through the honesty.
I am truly amazed at the growth you describe. And your willingness to embrace where you are, and keep rising. Just imagine how fabulous you’ll be when you’re forty!
by charrette on August 25, 2008 at 1:55 am. #
You’re incredibly poetic, Kim.
Frankly I’m intimidated and amazed at the same time.
by JustRandi on August 25, 2008 at 3:36 am. #
Gorgeous post, Kim. I do the same thing– rehash moments that should have gone differently. I love your perspective, though: “I know I’d regret it. I know what I could stand to lose.” Absolutely. Whatever weirdness was in the past, how could we possibly want to change it, when things worked out just as they were supposed to, despite ourselves! Fantastic job figuring all of this out and putting it into words.
by Brillig on August 25, 2008 at 6:15 am. #
Living in the moment is so hard sometimes! We all need to remember that and try so much harder.
by Tirzah on August 25, 2008 at 9:11 am. #
Without the memories of the mistakes we make, they will be made again.
But really? Is there a thing as a mistake once the decision’s been made? Because your life path is altered and would you honestly change your previous mopiness at the risk of losing who you are and what you have today?
Not me.
by Tracey on August 25, 2008 at 11:59 am. #
Hey Kim, I have some bloggy bling for you when you get a chance to stop by!
by JustRandi on August 25, 2008 at 1:58 pm. #
i for one am blessed with a completely crappy memory, so it means i don’t reflect on stuff much. although it *does* mean i repeat mistakes endlessly.
take, for example, the staying up too late stuff. i’ve probably done that before. and yet, here i am.
although thankfully i did remember that “no putting knives in the outlets” rule VERY well. only did that once. probably.
by holly on August 27, 2008 at 1:22 am. #
Do you ever think in a moment that “this is a moment I’m tucking away to vividly remember forever”? And then find that you have no recollection of that special memory, but you remember vividly weird things like the kids underwear peeking out from under the couch?
I try not to think of the past too much, although I fail at that much of the time. My problem is that I tend to worry too much to live in the present.
Love this post.
by Rebecca on August 27, 2008 at 4:01 pm. #
This was an amazing post. I feel those moments too, sometimes. It’s so weird when you get to a place where you feel like you’re outside your body, watching life happen.
Also, love the new color scheme. I was pleasantly surprised when I clicked over from my reader to comment.
by Jaina on August 27, 2008 at 6:26 pm. #