Striving
by Kym on August 25, 2008
I’m feeling a bit disjointed this morning. Since buying our first home and moving in this Spring, life has been feeling a bit more settled. I feel rooted. The years stretch ahead and I feel that I can perceive the vague shape of them. The blocky shapes of the buildings where my children will attend church and school. The warm round shapes (with squiggly bits) of the people they will know and love throughout their formative years. The triangular shape of our lovely chalet style home looking out over the trees and meadowland below us.
There is an edge of uncertainty now though, as Neil asks increasingly disturbing questions. It begins with the need (not want – need) of a larger bathtub. The complications of reno’s. Perhaps an addition off the side of the house? Well, if it’s going to be that much work, is this really the home we want long term. Speaking of, is this the town we want long term? We kind of went with our first option here. Are there other small towns that would suit us better? Perhaps have us closer to family and other conveniences?
An air of uncertainty has descended and my view of the future seems to have been clouded over. Though reasonably certain that these are merely wonderings on my husband’s part, and that the feelings and the rationale that inclined us to settle here will reassert themselves, I’m feeling unnerved by all the speculating.
It seems to be a symptom of my existence that I yearn for certainty. Spontaneity does not come easily to me, though in recent years I’ve discovered I possess some small faculty for it. I still like to know what is going to happen next. I like being able to predict the path my life will take.
Lately, I stare at the calendar with feelings of acute dismay. I never know when the phone call will come. “We have company for dinner tonight. Oh, and so and so is coming to town in two days and is staying for three nights. Hey, why don’t we have a BBQ tomorrow night? I forgot to line up speakers for Sunday, can you put a talk together? Let’s go away to Such-and-Such Town for the long weekend.”
The cumulative effect of recent last minute-ness has me feeling weary and discouraged. Resentment flares briefly and then fades, and I’m left feeling dissatisfied with myself and myself alone. The ideal I have in mind for myself and my future development does not include a refusal to bend, a desire to control all circumstances, or a refusal to enjoy life when it doesn’t conform to a preset ideology.
I still struggle, but in the midst of that struggle I often overcome myself. I squash the feelings of resentment and fear of the unknown, and I strive to embrace it instead. Most of the time it turns out pretty fabulously. Love and laughter and friendship. Which I would’ve missed out on if I’d lived my life stringently by the dictates of my calendar.
Which often? Is horribly empty.
I don’t know how far I have it in me to progress. Don’t know if the anxious feelings will ever fade away entirely. But I do know that I’m going to have a lot of fun I wouldn’t otherwise have had as I endeavor to find out.
21 comments
And Thus, the world a stage, the men and women, merely players… I love the adventure of the unknown! I love wondering what I’m going to do next! I am not content to sit and be content. My husband hates that. He does not like change at all! But I do know that life is much more fun when you’re waiting breathlessly for the next adventure!
by Abra on August 25, 2008 at 6:46 pm. #
Just as well we can blog to let off steam.
Best wishes
by Maddy on August 25, 2008 at 7:03 pm. #
I am striving in the same direction, too. I didn’t do such a hot job of being flexible on Saturday, though. At least when Sunday came I felt myself better embracing the ever changing reality of life. Baby steps. That is what I keep telling myself. And when the resentment flares a little too high and for a little too long I need to forgive myself, learn a lesson or two and keeping moving forward instead of giving up.
by An Ordinary Mom on August 25, 2008 at 7:29 pm. #
This makes me think of all the things I decided to change about myself when we moved from Oregon to Texas. I, too, wanted to be more spontaneous, also less of a homebody, more flexible with friends and company. After 9 months of REALLY trying and going through the motions, you know what? I’ve decided I liked it better before. Or at least somewhere on the spectrum much closer to it. The only problem now is that I have established this idea of me in people’s heads and there are now certain expectations. It’s a “be careful what you wish for” situation, for sure.
by stacey @ happyarewe on August 25, 2008 at 7:29 pm. #
I used to be incredibly spontaneous. We’d dash here and there on a whim. As I’ve gotten older, I crave planning. I need order of some sort in the chaos that is raising children. Last minute trips are a thing of the past. Dinner guests with less than a day’s notice? Not gonna happen. I’m sorry you’re struggling…
by Melissa on August 25, 2008 at 7:30 pm. #
once again, I can relate. I have a sickness: I like things planned, I like things “by the calendar”, but when M wants to plan, oh say, a Labor Day BBQ with his counselors, I freak because that means tying myself down to a plan and having to be here and having to clean the house and having to cook. . .
So. Yeah. I can relate. And I too hope I can someday overcome myself.
But uncertainty on the part of the husband on whom you rely to be your rock. . . .unsettles my world and my perceived niche in it.
Relate relate relate.
by Nichole on August 25, 2008 at 7:42 pm. #
Take some deep breaths! You can do this.
Renovating does not mean committing to any house or town forever. Only staying as long as it works for you. People fix and flip all the time.
When my husband wants to invite people over for dinner with only a day’s notice (or less) he knows that makes him the chef.
I have a hard time embracing change too. I just have to set it up to have the least amount of impact on me as possible.
Unless the changes are my idea.
Then, well, no problem.
by JustRandi on August 25, 2008 at 7:50 pm. #
If I’m anything at all, I’m spontaneous. For some crazy reason I seem to LOVE flying by the seat of my pants, switching gears at a moment’s notice. I think I could stand to gain a little something from your stability and stay-puttedness in my whim-weary world.
But if I could package for you my throw-caution-to-the-wind sense of adventure, I would.
Somewhere in the middle is perfection.
by charrette on August 25, 2008 at 7:52 pm. #
It’s inevitable isn’t it? The uncertainty? I too am always waiting to be surprised, knocked out of my flow. Makes me a bit anxious. I suppose it makes sense to accept that life is always shifting. At the same time it’s okay that you prefer things to stay the same at least a bit. It actually shows contentment and that’s a beautiful thing too. Tricky balance, spontaneous and content at the same time. Tricky like all the other balancing acts of life. Some days are just a little more crooked :)
by Heather of the EO on August 25, 2008 at 7:57 pm. #
I like things to go the way I expect them to go. I find things to look forward to each day or week, just little things, but sometimes they are easily ruined by things like misbehaving kids or D getting off work later than expected…I really need to learn to roll with the punches, but its very hard for me to do.
by Heffalump on August 25, 2008 at 8:08 pm. #
We’ve never intended to stay anywhere we’ve lived until we moved here. When we decided to move here, it was because we were looking to settle permanently. But not in this apartment, that’s for sure! It’s still good to know that while I may end up moving again, it won’t involve shuttling across country anymore.
It is comforting, but it was also fun to move around all over the country. If it wasn’t for Brad I probably never would have left my hometown. And that would have been very very sad.
by Memarie Lane on August 25, 2008 at 8:17 pm. #
I think we all struggle to find the balance.
I tend to less of a planner, more spontaneous when I can be, as a Mom.
This doesn’t always work well in such a structured life; I tick people off, come off as flaky.
I hope you find a pace you can live with, well.
by Lisa Milton on August 25, 2008 at 10:14 pm. #
I like change, but I’m not so good at being spontaneous. I like to have things planned out, but don’t follow through very well on my plans! It all leaves me feeling very unsettled which I hate ever more!
by mindyluwho on August 25, 2008 at 11:05 pm. #
I was one that lived as fast as I could and changed lanes whenever I could. I wanted life to be as sponteneous, as free, as I could make it.
Aaaand then, I had children, and I discovered that spontenaity can be overrated. There is most definitely a time and a place for such, as contradictory as that may be.
I like to see what’s coming. I like solidity and plans and stability. We’re planning a move in the near future, and although it can’t be but better than where we are now, I still feel full of trepidation at the thought of change.
I can completely relate to what you say :)
by Guinhyvar on August 25, 2008 at 11:30 pm. #
Most of us know all-too-well that feeling of just settling down to actually get something done and something (usually the kids) wrecks it. I’ve been struggling with this since the birth of our first child, and only recently have I figured out how to enjoy these special interruptions.
Remain present. That’s it. Whatever you are doing is what your life is at that moment. To wish otherwise is literally insane. At that point you are saying “I deny life. It MUST conform to my ideology right now or I will be pissed.”
Insane as that POV is, I maintained it for years, and it only got worse with children. So now, whenever the little darling grabs my hand and says “Daddy, no more work” I say to myself “I guess we’re doing this now.” And once I’ve decided to be with her rather than the work I so dearly need to get done, I don’t spend another second thinking about the work. I immerse myself in play and almost always have a way better time than if I’d been resenting it the whole way through.
Stay present. It solves most problems I find. It’s hard to be upset or worried when you’re immersed in an activity, whatever that activity is.
by The Impulsive Buddhist on August 26, 2008 at 4:44 pm. #
I embarked on a program of planned spontaneity a few years ago. Oxymoron, right? I used to be the girl who jumped in the car at a moment’s notice for a random road trip, but that changes with kids and a real job. And anytime my life has a level of crisis in it, spontaneity makes me feel like the top of my head will blow off. I need everything very controlled during those periods. So spontaneity in our house sounds like, “Let’s be spontaneous on Saturday, Sept. 6.” And then we are. Or, “Let’s be spontaneous tomorrow night between 7-9 p.m.” And we are. It sounds weird, but it works for us. But we’re odd people.
by Melanie J on August 26, 2008 at 5:47 pm. #
Just when you think it’s safe to settle down…yoink! Out goes the rug underneath you! At least, that’s how it seems to me. (I mean, hey–I was living on the other side of the state just a month ago–how did we get here again?)
by wynne on August 26, 2008 at 10:01 pm. #
I like to plan too. Spontaneous is good sometimes, but sometimes it stresses me and I feel out of control. I battle with it though. I thin I find it harder if the spontaneity isn’t my idea. I just realised that. Hmmm, I think I need to work on that one.
by Jo Beaufoix on August 26, 2008 at 11:11 pm. #
spontaneity kicked my butt yesterday, but jo coped with it quite fine! me? i never ever ever ever want to drive anywhere again. although i’ll probably change my mind tomorrow.
by holly on August 27, 2008 at 1:30 am. #
Ah, I know what you mean about speculation. It snowballs, then you don’t do anything until you start speculating again.
I realized that I enjoy being alone 95 percent of the time. I only wish I wasn’t a slave to my messy house so I could do more things I love like blog and write books. I’m pretty content talking to my mother on the phone nearly every day and seeing my sister once or twice during the week. Give me a girl’s night out once a month and a couple of hours shopping with my sister and I’m good.
I think I’m more hermit than I realized. Didn’t used to be BC (Before Children).
by Rebecca on August 27, 2008 at 4:05 pm. #
I like planning bigger things, but I live for the unplanned. Some of my best memories are from spontaneous visits or events. But too much spontaneity would be and is really stressful. We, as humans, crave order, to some extent. It grounds us. We just have to find the unique balance that lets us live, but also keeps us centered.
by Jaina on August 27, 2008 at 6:35 pm. #