A Hard Slog, this Life
by Kym on September 1, 2008
Yesterday was rough. A real see-saw of a day. It began with bleeding and tears, the hope of being pregnant lost again. The strange feeling of relief mixed with that sorrow. No fear of miscarriage looming in the immediate future. A strange calm over that thought. Then the sorrow again as I pulled Becca’s hair into a long curling pony tail. She is very suddenly a little girl. Babyhood and toddlerhood seem to be passing so quickly for this brightly shining child.
Church. A lot of joy to be felt there. Then home, and Neil telling me an unkind observation someone at church had made about me. I was stunned. Shocked that someone, possibly multiple someones, saw me in that way. Thought me to be that kind of person. It was such a sharp contrast to the feeling I’d experienced at church. That feeling of welcome and love we’ve experienced since moving here. I felt that to be shattered in that moment, and battled between anger at Neil for sharing that information and on such a day, and overwhelming grief. Many, many tears shed.
I spiralled into exhaustion after arriving home and preparing lunch for unexpected guests. Neil let me sleep and I felt so, so grateful. I awoke calm, but was soon angry. More unexpected guests. Caught in a flurry of rage I cleaned and prepared for their arrival. Bitter. Very bitter. And choking back tears because I hate being angry. Hate that loss of control. Hate being such a horribly petty person.
And then joy again. Laughter over a shared meal. Teasing and camaraderie. A high point on which to end a confusing tumult of a day.
Mixed in with that, the questioning of why? Why did I post that last post? Could it not be enough to do such a thing for myself? Why must I always beg for approval? And yet, the sweet comments from my sweet friends. The lovely things said. The pats on the back. The expressions of admiration. They carried me through the day.
I wish I didn’t need it. I wish I could be sufficient to myself. I wish I were as arrogant and egomaniacal as I claim to be.
Not exactly a worthy ambition. And I don’t suppose I’d be any happier if I achieved it. But I do wish I weren’t so uncertain and so needy. This journey of self-discovery that is my life seems such a hard slog some days. I can see who I want to be, glimmering in the distance. A beacon of hope. But some days each step feels like I’m pushing through a mire. A mire of doubt.
I’m tired of doubting. Corny as this sounds, I want to believe in myself.
28 comments
I sooo understand this. I loathe myself a little for needing validation so much. I wish I could be someone who was happy just in and of myself with no need for anyone else’s approval. I’ve fought this my whole life. There are times I beat it, but not often.
Please don’t let a secondhand comment outweigh the good you felt from the Spirit. I don’t know what was said but one person’s perception is only that: one person, and should carry very little weight in the face of the two dozen people who will tell you today how wonderful you are.
Let me be one of the first: I think you’re grand!
And if I lived closer, I would offer to shoot your detractor a squinty eyed look of grim disapproval. (Except not if it’s an old person because then I would feel bad and be haunted by the spirits of dead ancestors). That would teach her! (Or him.) I’m good at giving a crusty-eye shrivel glance and I don’t even need to be validated on that one.
by Melanie J on September 1, 2008 at 6:35 pm. #
Awww:(
Hugs to you.
You know,I think all the things you seek come along with age.
You’re heading into a wonderful time of discovery and
learning. I swear,from talking to
tons and tons of women,that it all
starts at 30. All these questions
and worries are part of the process.I’m now 35 and am finding life gets easier and better as I get older. You’ll see what I mean when it happens to you. I promise.
by Ms.L on September 1, 2008 at 6:44 pm. #
I’m so sorry that you had such a rough day. I know what you mean about not liking the feeling of being angry and/or bitter but yet giving into those feelings.
I also know the pain you experienced when realizing you weren’t pregnant. Like can be such a difficult thing at times. I wish I had something really wise to help but all I have is a big cyber hug to come your way and my prayers for you.
by Tonya on September 1, 2008 at 7:54 pm. #
awe hon, I’m so sorry you had such a hard day!! I had to hold myself back from heading to over to you place and swatting your dear hubby upside the head! lol, no, really! we humans can be so insensitive sometimes!(as constructive as I’m sure he was trying to be)
Well, if it counts for anything, I think you are a wonderful, honest women! (people who cast judgment should spend some time in front of a mirror!)
xo
by Jenn on September 1, 2008 at 8:17 pm. #
Ahh sweetie, I’m so mad someone made you feel bad. We all need validation sometimes and if we can’t seek it from our friends who can we seek it from? As for the person who chose to make their judgment of you known at church? Well, that was very Christian wasn’t it? Sighhh.
You are a star, but there will always be people out there who don’t get you or feel threatened by you. I’m learning that now. I would have felt angry and sad too, but you rose to the pressure and made a good day out of a pretty rough one. Hugs.
by Jo Beaufoix on September 1, 2008 at 8:24 pm. #
We’re all uncertain and needy. I think it’s healthier to say so than to be passive aggressive about it as most people are.
I used to be really effected by people saying bad things about me. It’s always happened, people trying to make me look bad or sabotage me in some way.
When I was 20 or so I had a boss who was nasty to me, and I couldn’t understand why. I worked harder and harder and did things for her to try to gain her approval and it seemed like the more I did, the more she hated me.
She left the company, and a new manager was brought in, who I bonded with instantly. She told me that she’d spoken with the previous boss, and that boss had warned her that I was an ambitious little kiss-ass snot. She was afraid of ME that whole time! Thought I was after her job!
And I’ve realized over time that that’s really what it is, when people are nasty like that it’s because they are intimidated by you, whether it makes any sense or not. Maybe you’re smarter, maybe you’re prettier, maybe they envy your sense of style or your well-behaved kids. Whatever it is, it all comes down to envy.
by Memarie Lane on September 1, 2008 at 8:55 pm. #
Love your honest heartfelt posts! I am a bit scared to be that open at times. You have a definite gift, let it shine!!
BIG HUGE HUGS!
by Louise on September 1, 2008 at 9:11 pm. #
I love it that you share so openly about this kind of thing. Most people can totally relate, but have a hard time with not being honest for fear of looking weak. It’s not weak. You’re speaking about something at the heart of all of us, and that takes a strong person. And the beautiful thing that happens along with having the courage to share, is that a whole lot of people feel validated, understood, relieved.
Not that I’m glad you feel the way you do right now. I’m sorry for that. But I’m glad for your ability to share it. You’re an absolute masterpiece, no matter what side comments are made.
by Heather of the EO on September 1, 2008 at 9:35 pm. #
I’m so sorry Kim.
by Summer on September 1, 2008 at 9:40 pm. #
kimberly, i’m so sorry you had a yucky day yesterday. personally, to me, you sound like a very in tune person who is sweet and aware of others needs. to fully enjoy your unexpected guests shows what a wonderful woman you are. sorry about getting your period, hang in there!
by aubrey on September 1, 2008 at 10:30 pm. #
That sucks. I can’t even imagine anyone saying anything negative about you!
And I’m with you on the whole unexpectedness… I don’t like things sprung on me the last minute… now if it were MY last minute decision, then that would be different!
Feeding people, I much rather would have done… :)
Thankyou for your kind words… as we were both in need of mothers yesterday! I hope you are feeling better today.
Love, A
by Abra on September 1, 2008 at 10:39 pm. #
Sorry about Aunt Flo coming to visit. Just remember that God's in control and when you're meant to have another child, you will when the time is right.
I can relate to such days. I'm trying my best to rely on God when times are hard but it's easier said that done. Though, I must confess I should "shut up & pray" far more often than I actually do.
As for doubting yourself, we all do it. I know I sure do. You've actually been a real blessing to me when it comes to my photography. I've had a passion for it since I was a young girl but only picked up a camera a little over a year ago. Days before you first emailed me I had prayed that God would lead me what I am supposed to be doing. And that if photography isn't it, that He removes that passion and replaces it with something else. I truly believe you are the first of many doors God has planned to open for me and I thank you dearly for this. :)
That said, I'll be sure to pray that the Lord removes your self-doubt and fills your heart with confidence. And, that a baby comes sooner than later!
When it comes to the people from church believing what they do about you, just remember that it isn't true and pray that God will show them the truth about who you truly are.
I will, too. :)
And, yes, I double commented but I figured you'd end up deleting the twin blog and I wanted my comment to stay up, dang it! :P
by Crystal on September 1, 2008 at 10:50 pm. #
you know i think you rock.
and when it finally is *the time* you are going to look back and laugh so hard, right after you beat yourself up for feeling so bad. as that beating-you-up thing is a daily occurrence, i know you’ll be used to it by then. i assume you are wearing protective gear when you do your self-punching? you should so get some. i’ll send you some.
by holly on September 1, 2008 at 11:14 pm. #
Isn’t that something. You have a fab spiritual day, and then something can sock it all down. I feel for you. It always comes back to jealousy I have found. Don’t take offense if you can. Or take it personal. You have to remain focused on the life and way that you desire to live. Did you harm them in anyways? No. Move forward.
I recently had the someone sock it out of me too. In fact 2 people. I almost quit blogging because of it. I was hurt and horrified that anyone could think that I was attention deprived. Nonsense. I thought and thought and prayed somemore. I got my answer in a phonecall. I posted about it last week. It was over something so simuliar as you experienced at church. I made up my mind to move passed it and go on. I blog for many reasons. It is my blog and my reasons. I am not hurting anyone. So I had to get over it quick.
Take care and I am glad that your surprise quests brought some much needed joy to the scene. Hugs Kim.
Jan
by Jan on September 1, 2008 at 11:29 pm. #
It is so refreshing to hear someone else put into words what so many of us feel. I really think that is you gift.
with growing respect,
Chels
by Chelsea on September 2, 2008 at 12:00 am. #
Hanging in there- it’ll happen when it’s suppose to. We wanted Blake and Ashlyn 18 months-2 years a part and they’re 2 weeks shy of 4years apart! I know how you feel each month, but looking back it was for the better. Heavenly Father know better than we do! :)
by Harrison Family on September 2, 2008 at 12:49 am. #
I have no words, just prayers and *gentle hugs*
Know that I’m just an email/phone call away if you need to talk . . .
by Kate on September 2, 2008 at 2:25 am. #
What a day. *hugs*
It is hard to learn self-confidence. I’m still learning — it helps me to rely on my friends in times like those (so read and re-read those comments you got!) and to rely on my Heavenly Father. He loves us all perfectly for who we truly are.
by Beth on September 2, 2008 at 2:31 am. #
Aw, love. I have aught to say other than, I understand. I have felt that way, too.
And remember, no one is an island unto themselves. Everyone, and I mean everyone, needs positive affirmation. It makes you not “needy”, but merely, human.
by Guinhyvar on September 2, 2008 at 3:44 am. #
What an emotional rollercoaster of a day! I’m so sorry.
by mindyluwho on September 2, 2008 at 4:08 am. #
Hey sweetie, Love you. Just remember that. And what everyone else has said is so true. I was married to an abusive man, when I finally divorced him I was surprised at the mean things that people at church said about me. It took me awhile to get over it and sometimes I feel myself being a bit defensive with certain people, but I guess we all want that Sally Field “they really like me” moment.
Well, all of us here really like you- nay love you.
And I’ll go with Melanie to give them what my kids call “the look”
by Sandra on September 2, 2008 at 12:38 pm. #
Awww. So sorry about your cruddy day. I always wonder what people are thinking when they say things. I think the problem is that they AREN’T thinking. They don’t realize that what they’re saying might actually affect someone.
I can’t believe that anyone really actually meant to hurt your feelings. (??)
Dangit.
At least you got a good nap, though. That’s something, right?
by JustRandi on September 2, 2008 at 2:25 pm. #
Crystal said…
Sorry about Aunt Flo coming to visit. Just remember that God's in control and when you're meant to have another child, you will when the time is right.
I can relate to such days. I'm trying my best to rely on God when times are hard but it's easier said that done. Though, I must confess I should "shut up & pray" far more often than I actually do.
As for doubting yourself, we all do it. I know I sure do. You've actually been a real blessing to me when it comes to my photography. I've had a passion for it since I was a young girl but only picked up a camera a little over a year ago. Days before you first emailed me I had prayed that God would lead me what I am supposed to be doing. And that if photography isn't it, that He removes that passion and replaces it with something else. I truly believe you are the first of many doors God has planned to open for me and I thank you dearly for this. :)
That said, I'll be sure to pray that the Lord removes your self-doubt and fills your heart with confidence. And, that a baby comes sooner than later!
Monday, September 01, 2008 3:44:00 PM
Karlene said…
I'm sorry about the health issues, and the unkind remark, and the rough day. Really, I am.
But.
I have to take you to task about your book. EXCUSE ME!? You're an author, right? And authors are supposed to promote their books. And sending out e-mails and posting about it on your blog is REQUIRED. I know. I used to be a publisher and I made my authors do that. So, knock it off, already. (And rig the contest so that I win your book. :)
(jk)
(Not really. I want your book.)
Monday, September 01, 2008 5:06:00 PM
Shanna said…
I think it was great that you had the courage to post about your published book! Good for you!
I'm sorry to hear that unkind things were said about you, and at church no less.
I hope your week passes with a little more faith in yourself and a lot more happiness!
Monday, September 01, 2008 6:29:00 PM
charrette said…
You know, there is something about the irony of being hurt by people at church that feels like an enormous betrayal. I'm so sorry you had to feel that, hear that, and process that.
I'm also glad that you found pockets of joy in and amongst all the sadness and hurt.
And I'm glad you have so many people who believe in you…people to lean on when the believing in self gets fragile. I'm honored that your readers have a chance to give you a lift once in awhile, since you lift all of us so often, in so many ways.
by Kimberly on September 2, 2008 at 3:43 pm. #
Ugh, the hormonal rollercoaster is so awful. Hugs, darling. I can’t wait to get your book!
by Luisa Perkins on September 2, 2008 at 7:37 pm. #
Aw, Kim. I’m sorry. :( If I could hug you I would. Chin up girl. You are lovely and kind and generous and so many other good things.
by Elaine on September 2, 2008 at 7:43 pm. #
I confess I was sorta mad at Neil for a moment there, for telling you something you just didn’t need to hear. And yet, I actually appreciate it when people tell me what’s being said behind my back. I hate the thought of people whispering and the helplessness of not knowing what it’s all about.
Still, tell me who said what, so I can send the angry mommy-blogger posse over to throw dirty diapers at their windows. Believe me. We have an abundant supply of dirty diapers. We stockpile them specifically for this sort of occasion…
I’m baffled by all of it. How could anyone NOT adore you?!
by Brillig on September 2, 2008 at 9:35 pm. #
You’ve got some bitties in your ward,eh? I’m sorry… that would be such a hard thing to deal with. I’m on the same page as Brillig – how could anyone not adore you? I just don’t get it! I’m glad the day ended on a high note though…
by Melissa on September 2, 2008 at 10:33 pm. #
I am a little late to this party … sorry you had such a roller coaster emotional day. It’s bad enough to see the monthly red, but then to have to deal with petty comments from church? And then unexpected company? Ouch.
(Although you do have my curiosity piqued as to what was said. Just know that whatever it was, I am sure it is far from the truth!)
by An Ordinary Mom on September 5, 2008 at 12:22 am. #