Crazy Thoughts from a Crazy Chick
by Kym on September 6, 2008
We’re leaving in ten minutes, and my stomach has gone past butterfly mode into full on hamster wheel mode. I feel slightly sick, to be honest. We’re buying the new car today and the additional financial committment on top of student loans, mortgage, business loans, etc…is a bit dizzying.
But the car is shiny. And red. And it glitters in the sunlight. Not that it’s sunny right this moment. The last few mornings have arrived in a swirl of fog. It’s slowly receding into the trees now, a low swath of pale grey mist butting up against the distant mountains. I feel thoughtful, even in my nervous state.
Once again this month I found out that I’m not pregnant. I endured the sorrow and anxiety that come with that as best I could. So very hard to grieve when I’m so aware of my good fortune. When I know so many women who’ve suffered more and more intensely. That awareness doesn’t take the hurt away though, just dulls it somewhat.
And I weighed in this morning, seeing already the results of eating too much and moving too little. I remembered suddenly how every time I’m not pregnant as hoped I tell myself, at least I have more time to get in shape.
But I haven’t. I could have, but I haven’t. And the thought that maybe our struggles are a direct result of my slackness came rushing into my mind. I know God doesn’t work that way. I know he doesn’t point a finger and give a harsh ironical laugh and say, I’ll show you!
Still, I wonder. I fear. I feel guilty and ashamed. Perhaps this is a matter of health. Perhaps if I tried harder to be healthy this would come easier for us.
And tears prickle in the corners of my eyes. It’s funny how it’s possible to know that something isn’t true, but to be affected by the thought of it nonetheless.
It simply isn’t time yet. For some reason I can’t yet see, it isn’t time for our next child to arrive. But it is time to drive off now to pick up our new car. A different kind of fear and anxiety twisting away in my gut.
And maybe, just maybe, when the inevitable happens and we stop somewhere for lunch, I’ll remember my irrational thought. Perhaps it will teach me to be good.
24 comments
Oh, Kim… I’m sorry. I know how discouraging and heart-breaking this must be. Counting our blessings is good and all, but sometimes we just have to let the sadness in, let it do its business, before we can move onto a happier feeling.
Crossing my fingers for you on everything…
by Tracey on September 6, 2008 at 4:21 pm. #
I think if things don’t happen for us right on schedule when we’re ready to have our next kid, I will lose my mind. Regardless of having two boys, and each pregnancy happening easily, I don’t know if I’ll have the presence of mind to remember that blessing when I’m so focused on the not getting of what I want. I hope that I’m honest enough with myself to embrace any disappointment but then to have the humility to put it in the Lord’s hands. I am sooo not humble but I strive for it because I dread being humbled. That is REALLY hard.
by Melanie J on September 6, 2008 at 4:48 pm. #
You ARE crazy. And that’s why I love you. I know it’s hard, and I know that we’ve all said it, it’s not our timeline, it’s His. But that still doesn’t make it suck any less. {hugs}
by the MomBabe on September 6, 2008 at 5:02 pm. #
I wish I had some words of wisdom, comfort, something that would POOF make the bad feelings go away and replace them with good ones.
It’s hard to focus, sometimes, on our blessings when we want so much for something else. Not that you’re not grateful for what you have… I understand that feeling, very, very well.
The only thing I can say is, feel it if you need to feel it. Trying to opress it will only make it fester. Just keep LIFE in perspective. But feel it, deal with it, and then try to move on. I don’t know if we ever really “let go”… but I know that moving on and forward is what we CAN do.
And, gratz on the new car, Kim. That’s groovy :)
by Guinhyvar on September 6, 2008 at 5:20 pm. #
Words of comfort and encouragement (you pick ‘em, I feel ‘em). I just have to ask you something. Did you just sit down and write this or did you contemplate it during the morning? I’m just wondering. Either way it’s wonderfully expressed. It just really strikes me how (I don’t know words). . . SOMETHING it is. Ugh. I just love how you go from the car buying anxiety to the pregnancy disappointment and back to the car buying anxiety in such a lovely poetic way.
So, sorry to be critiquing your writing when I’m meant to be wishing you the best on your new purchase and comfort about the other thing.
by Lisa on September 6, 2008 at 5:23 pm. #
You know what? I had 4 kids and 1 miscarriage in 7 years. Getting pregnant was always a matter of me thinking it was time and I was pregnant. Then, I didn’t and didn’t and didn’t get pregnant. Finally the dr. put me on fertility pills and I laughed at the irony of that. After that baby was born and I was very sick, I was told to wait longer for any more. And that baby came while on birth control. And I almost died, so baby #7 was adopted. Not exactly the way I would have planned it, but perfect for me now as I look back on it.
And on a brighter note, I had a little red sports car. I loved it and it made me happy everytime I got in it. There is just something about red and my psyche- I felt great driving that car. I had to trade it in when the boys no longer fit in the back seat, but someday I will have another one.
Love ya, you’ll be fine. (try a shake a day made with 8 oz soy milk and one scoop of whey powder. see if that helps with the #s on the scale. Amazing stuff soy + whey)
by Sandra on September 6, 2008 at 5:27 pm. #
If things were supposed to happen the way we expect them to, then I’d have six kids all under the age of nine, and a set of twins to boot. I’m kinda glad in retrospect that I have the three kids I do have, in the order that they came, and at the times they came. So I know it’s not much of a consolation prize, but I hope you enjoy your new car… and I hope you have a happy day!
by Abra on September 6, 2008 at 5:57 pm. #
The part that stuck out to me was that feeling of being punished. I can SO relate to that. I don’t know where we get that?
Not getting in shape = no baby!!!
What in the world? Of course not, but it still sneaks up! The fear and guilt and curiosity that it’s possible God is holding something back, waiting for us get it together.
What reminds me that He doesn’t work that way is looking back over my life. I deserved absolutely nothing good, I was very naughty. And yet, He continued to give gifts of more worth than I could imagine. I realized I needed to work on seeing MY worth through HIS eyes, instead of my own limited ones. Such a hard thing to do, we work on it our whole lives.
Peace to you,
Heather
by Heather of the EO on September 6, 2008 at 6:41 pm. #
Hey! We’re back in Budapest where the internet is lightening fast so here I am again… halleljuah! Did you miss me?
Beautiful writing as usual Kim, even if the subject is a difficult one. I can certainly relate to the months of yet again not being pregnant. It’s a tough pill to swallow, but it’s also time to count our blessings. You have two beautiful, delightful girls and perhaps the time for your next miracle isn’t just yet. In the meantime, shower your two beauties in love and don’t forget to love yourself too. Let your light shine from within, regardless of whether or not you love the package it’s housed in right now.
And have fun in your shiny new red car. Vroom Vroom!
by Carolyn on September 6, 2008 at 8:00 pm. #
It is so hard to trust in his timing and his wisdom, isn’t it? You have great perspective, Kim. xo.
by Jenna Consolo on September 6, 2008 at 10:28 pm. #
Sounds to me like you’re on the right track as far as your logic goes. I think that sometimes if we don’t have SOMEthing to blame the problem on it’s almost worse. I hope you LOVE your new car! What kind is it?
by Shanna on September 6, 2008 at 10:46 pm. #
Another month, another “I’m sorry, Kim” and another cyber hug. Hang in there girl. Love, Elaine
by Elaine on September 6, 2008 at 11:17 pm. #
You are good.
Not being pregnant is the pits and you don’t ever have to feel bad for feeling bad. I am a huge fan of “Crap I’m Not Pregnant This Month” pity parties. I think if you are going to feel bad, do it with flair. Force yourself to cry all day long, wear black, keep the lights dim, carry a box of tissues wherever you go. The more you ham it up the better you feel. Then when your day is done you can move on with a “Whew, glad I go that out of my system” attitude. These days are best if followed up with a “Honey, I’m hot after you” day.
I’ve been there, I feel you. Take care and enjoy the new car.
by by AnnieValentine on September 6, 2008 at 11:21 pm. #
I hope you had an ok time getting the car.
by Summer on September 7, 2008 at 1:39 am. #
Take deep breath. Put head between knees. More deep breaths.
It will be okay.
The car will be shiny. It will be good.
The only reason the kid hasn’t come yet is because he and/or she is too busy sliding down rainbows and pegging random angels in the back of the head with cloud-and-star slush balls. (It’s just too much fun yet. He and/or she will be ready soon.)
Still breathing, I hope?
by wynne on September 7, 2008 at 3:09 am. #
I like Wynne’s explaination :)
I’m sorry this is happening right now. God’s timing is perfect. Always. But sometimes it’s hard to feel that way.
I hope the car is fun to drive :) It will give you freedom again! A nice thing to have… hugs!
by Melissa on September 7, 2008 at 5:57 am. #
Enjoy that sparkly new red car.
When the time comes, it will be right.
by Lisa Milton on September 7, 2008 at 3:07 pm. #
Here are some crazy thoughts from this Crazy Canuck–you’re right. It isn’t time yet. We’re waiting for our time, too. Maybe our time will happen together?
by Amber on September 7, 2008 at 4:21 pm. #
I have this crazy urge to come and hug you : ) I’m sorry that it’s another month of disappointment. God’s timing will be good. Just keep remembering that. And YAY for a shiny red car. I’ve always wanted one. Enjoy it : )
by Erin on September 7, 2008 at 6:24 pm. #
i hope things went well with the car purchase. we are currently on the hunt for a larger, family car but are rather hesitant about adding an additional cost to our current bills.
by aubrey on September 7, 2008 at 9:30 pm. #
I never understood the reasons why until Blake found us and then it was crystal clear. Someday you’ll know.
Yeah for the shiny new red car. Very fun.
by Tonya on September 8, 2008 at 2:30 am. #
Oh for a shiny new car. . .
Oh wait, I just got one.
But it’s not red. I’ll try not to be too envious of that.
by Eowyn on September 8, 2008 at 4:32 am. #
i think if you bought a new car every time you got your period it would make you feel better. i know it would make me feel better if you bought *me* a car every time you got your period.
i’m just saying it’s an option.
(((hugs)))
xxx kisses xxx
okay one less kiss than that. we’re not gay.
by holly on September 8, 2008 at 11:19 pm. #
I am sorry for your pain. It hurts. I hope it goes away soon!
by An Ordinary Mom on September 9, 2008 at 4:46 am. #