Learning to Swim
by Kym on September 18, 2008
I always feel scrutinized when I go to the hair dresser. Deeply neurotic at the best of times, I am convinced that those in the beauty profession must find me to be a disturbing sight. I frown worriedly at myself in the mirror, wishing I had time to pluck my eyebrows more thoroughly and get my make up just right. I make sure my hair is squeaky clean and decently coiffed before I leave the house.
To think I once laughed at how my mum vacuumed and scrubbed the house before the carpet cleaners came. I can’t say that I understand it, because really it’s quite nutty to get frantic over the opinion of complete strangers, but I do understand how it feels. Oh my yes.
I’d like to blame society, the media, you know, the usual suspects. I’m pretty sure politicians must be scape goat worthy as well but I haven’t been able to establish a definite link yet. Really though, I think that in my case external influences have been minimal. As often, my problems seem largely confined to my own head.
Vanity isn’t the only symptom of my, ahem, issues. I often catch myself thinking really and truly irrational thoughts. Like that my houseguests will be disgusted if I don’t dust between the piano keys. Or that time I sort of half tripped but just barely caught myself while walking across the street? Yeah. Reputation for klutziness totally cemented there. Some days, my every thought seems to conspire against me. Beating me down to the point that other days I can’t bear to leave the house.
That look in so-and-so’s eyes…oh heck, I’m boring her. Was that a subtle nose wrinkle? Gah, it was, it was! I’m boring and disgusting! Stop talking, hey, why are you still talking?! Shush already!
And so on and so on.
I don’t think I’m as big an idiot as I paint myself to be though. I’m reasonably intelligent. I have access to logic. I can reason out that a stranger on the street has pretty much zero interest in me. That the hair dresser is not going to be disgusted over the fact that I missed a few hairs when tweezing my eyebrows two days ago. That our houseguests aren’t going to shun me over little things like whether or not the display on the microwave has been windexed recently or not.
Sometimes though that access to logic seems blocked and I swim in a sea of anxiety and self-doubt, near to drowning. It’s easier when I stay at home. Easier to stay afloat. And so all too often I do.
Today though, I’m leaving the house for two reasons. One? My hair is stinking long all of a sudden and I feel like a human mop. Two? I need to learn how to swim.
37 comments
I know that feeling. There’s actually a name for it, I learned it in freshman psychology…only I don’t remember what it’s called. Something like Fish-bowl or something. It’s just important to try and keep your mind in check and not let it psych you out.
by Jaina on September 18, 2008 at 10:22 am. #
I need to get to the hairdresser as well. My hair is naturally curly and apparently grows very fast. It seems I just got it cut and already it’s starting to get long enough to start flipping up at totally random angles all over my head…bah! Good luck! :)
by KieraAnne on September 18, 2008 at 10:23 am. #
You know, you’re lots more fun that you give yourself credit for. LOTS.
by MomBabe on September 18, 2008 at 10:31 am. #
YAY for leaving the house! I am all about leaving the house. Often. (This does not always mean TALKING to people, but sometimes.) ;-)
I think most people aren’t too concerned with judging others — the nose-wrinkle and the vacant expression is probably some passing thought brought on by a quick distraction. And if they ARE judging, well, that’s a sorry life they lead, honestly — I feel bad for them.
by Beth on September 18, 2008 at 12:04 pm. #
it won’t help with everything, but as for vanity at the hair dresser? I have my hair dresser wax my brows for me, then I have no reason to come in with makeup on or brows plucked.
yep. just as nuts as you.
by CamiKaos on September 18, 2008 at 12:14 pm. #
I think we can all relate. I’m going crazy right now because I could go into labor at any time, and since it’s a home birth I want my house to be spotless. I’d be so embarrassed if the midwife needed to boil some water and my drip pans were all gross and oily. So I’m constantly cleaning when I ought to be resting.
by Memarie Lane on September 18, 2008 at 12:58 pm. #
Get out of the House and NEVER deny others the pleasure of your company! You are fabulous and people that know you… really know you, know it too! So get out there and remember that more people feel the Way you do than you realize. I learned early on that not everyone is as Put-together as they would have us believe and that everyone has their own issues they’re coping with – Some just better than others. Often it is the people I viewed as the most Intelligent and together who are actually more screwed up than I could EVER be! So hold that pretty head High and jump in! As for the hairstylist… Go as you are and as you want to be – everyone needs to feel like they’ve worked a miracle – even a hairstylist! ;) Smooches, J
by Janet on September 18, 2008 at 1:02 pm. #
Oh! I am so distressed! Here I was thinking that you hadn’t posted in a couple of days but you have and your new feed just hasn’t shown up in Bloglines! Aaargh!
I’m going to catch up right now. And fix my Bloglines!
by Melanie J on September 18, 2008 at 1:17 pm. #
I too have access to logic. It’s just amazing how often I forget to tap it.
by Melanie J on September 18, 2008 at 1:30 pm. #
Yeah, sounds a bit like me. Only lately I’m more concerned about the smell of my house when people drop by than the look of it. The baby diapers are killing me! I feel like I’ve got fragrances burning all the time.
by Summer on September 18, 2008 at 1:30 pm. #
Why is it that the hairdresser’s mirror makes me look so bad? I don’t seem to look so bad at home….
by Blogget Jones on September 18, 2008 at 1:52 pm. #
I think cleaning the carpets before a carpet cleaner comes is like brushing your teeth before a teeth cleaning.
by Tonya on September 18, 2008 at 2:01 pm. #
You will not drown.
Also, I have you on google reader. The reader tells me a different title when you post something new (from your blogger account, last post I believe), then when I click, I get a flash of your old page from blogger before my computer sniffles, sneezes and then AAHH CHOOO, I get the new site and everything is right. I hope I’m making sense there. It’s jumbled, I know.
I’m sure the kinks will work themselves out? Just like we do as people, working out our kinks when things change. :)
I have no idea why I just told you that. Bye now.
by Heather of the EO on September 18, 2008 at 5:36 pm. #
I also hate getting my haircut… I think it’s because if a hairdresser doesn’t like you they could, I don’t know, chop off all your hair.
by Anonymous on September 18, 2008 at 5:38 pm. #
Just popping in to say I like the new format. That anonymous comment up there was me too.
by fooferoo on September 18, 2008 at 5:43 pm. #
I hear ya on this one. I hate thinking the whole world is LOOKING at me or judging me…because you know I’m so special that they actually care…LOL :)
Yay for haircuts though! Good luck on your “swim” ;)
by Shanna on September 18, 2008 at 6:29 pm. #
I need to go with you Kim. I am in a major crisis here. My hair is really behind. If I remember correctly, you don’t have on wrinkle anywhere.
by Jan on September 18, 2008 at 7:26 pm. #
Yeah, I remember being in highschool and dressing myself. (’cause I was a big girl!)all the while thinking I looked good – And then my friend Kellee would come and pick me up for school and she always looked 100 times better than me, and I would have to literally force myself away from the house. It’s like that now too, I think “Okay! This is FANTASTIC!” and then I step out and there’s “Little miss-never-had-three-kids” in her lu lu lemon outfit, hair bouncing, and I’m all. “Should I go back in and put on more eyeliner, and put on the tummy control boostier, lose the pajama bottoms, and do a hundred situps before I come back out?”
by Abra on September 18, 2008 at 7:29 pm. #
If my hairdresser weren’t one of my best friends, I’d be in serious trouble.
by JustRandi on September 18, 2008 at 7:52 pm. #
I have never tweezed my eyebrows. Or waxed them. The biggest move I have made towards feeling better about the way I look was to stop wearing sweat pants. They were comfy but made me feel like a slob.
by Heffalump on September 18, 2008 at 8:34 pm. #
Hopefully the haircut will give you that boost you’re looking for – I know mine (usually) do.
And just a word about your caramel frosting – my fam uses this recipe (on an amazing pecan sheet cake), and if you substitute 1/2 cup cocoa for the brown sugar you get the world’s most fudgiest frosting EVER.
by Jen on September 18, 2008 at 8:44 pm. #
So sorry we missed the big birthday shindig! Sending Neil fabulous belated birthday wishes!
by Erin on September 18, 2008 at 10:05 pm. #
i just got a brand new do! it’s the best!!!!
p.s.
walk to the hairdresser and then treat yourself to your ipod!
by bonnie lewis on September 18, 2008 at 10:33 pm. #
You see, I don’t really have much in the way of eyebrows, so There’s not a lot to pluck. Maybe think of me as the eyebrowless chick. Bu**er. We are all so hard on ourselves sometimes aren’t we, but I’m sure your hair dresser thinks, ‘oh it’s that lovely funny girl with the thick dark hair and fabulous eyes. And your book, I love it. It’s so good. I especially love the one on the back cover, and the photos of the girls are gorgeous.
by Jo Beaufoix on September 19, 2008 at 2:23 am. #
I think I must be inherently lazy…The day I go to the salon is the ONE day I don’t have to slave for 30 minutes with the blow-dryer…FREEDOM! I love walking in looking bedraggled and walking out looking like a million bucks…or at least a hundred and twenty! :) The time I learned that the carpet cleaners’ machine also vacuums at the same time? Woo-hoo! THERE’s a day I don’t have to feel guilty abut not vacuuming! No unibrow means (to me) NEVER plucking my eyebrows…and the list goes on.
My mother? Used to make the beds in the hotel room so the maids wouldn’t think we lived like slobs. Some traits I definitely did not inherit from her!
So proud of you for learning to swim and forcing yourself out into the terrifying (but forgiving) madness…and living to tell about it!
by charrette on September 19, 2008 at 6:06 am. #
p.s. My feed’s not working…What do I have to do to stay up-to-the-minute on all your posts?
by charrette on September 19, 2008 at 6:07 am. #
Sorry to hear about the near-drowning in the sea of anxiety. Sadly, I very much relate to this post. I’m constantly needing to talk myself down from the crazy scenarios I invent in my head. May the force be with you!
by Becky on September 19, 2008 at 9:14 am. #
It’s my chin hairs that make me feel awkward and like I am in junior high again.
I feel like I have been drowning a lot lately. I am trying to figure out how to swim better. I swim well while at the gym and after the kids go to bed, but in between I flounder and gulp too much water.
by An Ordinary Mom on September 19, 2008 at 12:34 pm. #
I’ve often thought if we hired someone to do this staging/cleaning thing, I’d suddenly become VERY motivated because I hate feeling like the slob I am.
(There’s no candy-coating it. I love a clean house, but getting it there – UG – and yawn. I’m a big ol’ baby.)
by Lisa Milton on September 19, 2008 at 12:49 pm. #
Ah… so glad to know I’m not the only one. Actually, I think a lot of my anxiety has kept me from blogging the last little while… when you learn to swim, will you come teach me too? Thanks!
by Melissa on September 19, 2008 at 1:33 pm. #
i hear ya, sweets–i always tweeze my brows before going to the hairdresser as well. of course, i say that like i go to the hairdresser on a regular basis. the sorry truth is that while i just went this month, the last time i’d gotten my hair cut (excluding those DIY stints featuring the bathroom mirror) was more than three years ago.
i know. the horror. thank goodness you can view me from a safe distance.
btw…i’m wondering if you changed your po box addy? cause i sent you a birthday something back in august but now am sad that you might not ever see it. :(
by nic on September 20, 2008 at 9:15 am. #
new reader here… wonderful writing… you have a way with words… great tell.
by LeeGro on September 21, 2008 at 12:04 pm. #
this is weird. i actually WENT to the hairdressers this day and THOUGHT of buying swim trunks for the thrower.
should have gotten the swim trunks instead of the haircut i don’t now like.
by hollydolly on September 21, 2008 at 3:49 pm. #
Sweetie,
I’m the one who needs an intervention. I have had the same hairstyle since high school And I am LOOOOONG overdue for a hair cut!
by Amber's Crazy Bloggin' Canuck on September 21, 2008 at 5:04 pm. #
That look in so-and-so’s eyes…oh heck, I’m boring her. Was that a subtle nose wrinkle? Gah, it was, it was! I’m boring and disgusting! Stop talking, hey, why are you still talking?! Shush already!
And so on and so on.
Oh, I so totally know where you’re coming from.
by Razzler on September 22, 2008 at 7:39 am. #
Eh. Just buy yourself some floaties.
by wynne on September 22, 2008 at 8:47 pm. #
You’re afraid of boring people? Ooookay.
(I’m always afraid they’re going to start hating me violently, then yelling, possibly attacking…I have no idea why this is, but it does make it hard to go out in public and talk to people. Sheesh. Why can’t staying at home all day and talking to sock puppets be socially acceptable?)
by wynne on September 22, 2008 at 8:49 pm. #