Material Girl
by Kym on September 24, 2008
Christmas. It’s always been mildly traumatic for me. And no, it’s not that I’m mistletoe-a-phobic or otherwise afflicted by Christmas related paranoia (good guess though, it’s in character). Nor is it the stress of the season. I love the hustle and bustle, the lush smell of spiced cider simmering on the stove, the sweet strains of Christmas music. I love visiting family and giggling as I resist the urge to poke, prod, and shake my presents.
With the arrival of my beautiful little girls has come a renewed sense of wonder and joy in the season. I’ve never lost my own sense of wonder, but it has been dulled somewhat by the years and watching them multiplies it exponentially. Unfortunately, so has the old problem. What on earth am I going to buy them?
From a very young age preparations of my wish list paled in comparison to my give list. I would go through the Sears Wishbook and make meticulous lists of what I’d like to buy for all the near and dear ones in my life. The hand-scrawled pages have been replaced by neatly typed sheets and even spread-sheets over the years, as I attempt to choose the perfect gifts for friends and family. I agonize over each decision, and chafe over how our finances restrict my desire to give.
Not, I should point out, that I’m as self-less and noble as that might make me seem. Yes, I find great joy in giving. I love seeing delight on someone’s face and knowing that I had a hand in it. But I also love the warmth that suffuses me with the knowledge that I’ve chosen well. I live for that feeling, and while it can be found in other ways, the giving of material gifts has always been my surest path to it.
That’s what I struggle with, and being an increasingly self-aware person I know why gift giving is so important to me. And as much as I shy away from facing up to that knowledge, the simple fact is that I give gifts because of my chronically low feelings of self-worth. I want to make it up to people. Feelings of inadequacy have me wanting to show people that, well, at least I give good gifts. It’s a way of saying sorry and thank you as well as showing my love.
As I begin preparing for the Christmas season (life is busy, I’m starting early, please don’t hate me), I wince a little, knowing that over and over again I’ll be struggling to convince myself I don’t have to double our Christmas budget to demonstrate my worth. I don’t have to purchase elaborate gifts for everyone in my life. I don’t have to obsess and fuss to the point of ulcer-like stomach pains.
I’ve come a long way from the shy little mouse of a girl I once was. At times I even feel something not unlike self-confidence and find myself grinning or strutting (and then tripping, usually) or otherwise displaying my newfound self-esteem. Old habits truly do die hard though, and nostalgic ocassions like Christmas bring back a flood of newly wakened memories.
I don’t know if I’m enough. I don’t know if I’ll ever feel that I am. But I suspect that I mean more to people than I think I do. Maybe it’s time to smile when instinct tells me to cringe.
23 comments
Oh Kim! Having known you when you were younger, I never found you to be a quiet mouse of a girl!
Quiet, yes.
Mousy? No.
I always found you to be interesting, insightful, helpful, kind, generous, and most of all sincere!
I wished that I could have your quiet confidence – you know the kind that comes from within, that thoughtful, soft spoken statement that cements a thought, or the firm, direct, to the point voicing that dissipates argument, or unjust acts. You Kim, were not a quiet mousy child… but the Queen of Cool.
by Abra on September 24, 2008 at 3:01 pm. #
well, to be honest, i only REALLY love you when you’re sending me stuff. hang on, i gotta open the door. i think it’s the fedex dude. with more stuff from you. YES! I LOVE YOU!!! for now…
by hollydolly on September 24, 2008 at 3:53 pm. #
I am this way… it’s almost as if Christmas is my way to erase all the errors of the year. If I can give the ultimate gift to my kids/hubby/family/friends, then perhaps they will forgive and forget the times when I wasn’t the best human being I could have been since LAST Christmas….
by Melissa on September 24, 2008 at 4:07 pm. #
I wish I was a better gift giver (although not to try and better my self worth). It’s because I basically don’t give gifts at all. I’m horrible at it. It’s not that I don’t like people, or money (although since getting married and in school that’s certainly there as well). I just can never think of anything to give. I basically never pick the perfect gift, because I don’t even try, and I avoid it all by hoping no one will give me any gifts either. Hmm, apparently there are lots of ways to be dysfunctional.
I hope that this year you can overcome this, which I’m sure you’ll do a great job at because you’ve recognized it and are thinking about it already.
by Thora on September 24, 2008 at 4:57 pm. #
#1… Your wonderful descriptions made me long for Christmas, and I’m a “don’t play Christmas music until the day after Thanksgiving” person!
#2… I love giving presents, too. I love that feeling when you know you gave someone JUST what they wanted. A problem when they want a new car, but still…
#3… Personal opinion? You mean a lot more to people than they ever say, so you should assume you mean the world. If you could ask your daughters (I know… an awkward thing to do) if THEY think you’re enough, I’m pretty sure they’d be jumping on top of each other to convince you you are.
by Sarah on September 24, 2008 at 6:09 pm. #
Interesting food for thought. I was just wondering what it is that makes a true friendship. I was kind of leaning toward the gift giving thing as part of it. Now I’m not sure…
by JustRandi on September 24, 2008 at 6:28 pm. #
You are so brilliant and talented it’s hard for me to fathom that you struggle with self-worth issues. Serious enough to make gift giving an illness-inducing task. Amazing how we all have our own challenges. But for what it’s worth, even though I don’t know you in person, your character and pesonality shine through your writing and what I see is a wonderful person who is incredibly smart and talented. If I can appreciate you from far, I’m sure those who know you closer-range think the world of you. I hope this upcoming Christmas season is a joy-filled event for you.
by GrumpyAngel on September 24, 2008 at 6:52 pm. #
This is spooky. We’re on exactly the same wavelength today because this is what I blogged about this afternoon because the same thing has been on my mind, too. Except I have to get birthday presents taken care of first and then start in on the Christmas stuff. I keep a running list all year of what to give people so that I’m not stuck at the last minute panicking. I love gift giving!
by Melanie J on September 24, 2008 at 7:25 pm. #
I like to find the perfect gift (within my budget) as well. Of course its easy to find a gift that would be appreciated and etc, but there is something about that getting a gift that would be LOVED.
Maybe I think that if they love the gift, they will also love ME more. Food for thought.
by Heffalump on September 24, 2008 at 8:58 pm. #
I am a chronic gift giver. I like to see people’s faces light up when I find them something perfect. and I feel crummy if it isn’t perfect. This year we plan on being a little tight with the budget. This is tough on me, but at the same time it’s like being freed from my own shackles. I might enjoy the season more if I am not obsessing over the perfect gift for everyone I love. You are in good company Kim.
by julie wright on September 24, 2008 at 9:24 pm. #
Oh, I wish I was a good gift giver. Just ditto me on Thora’s comment, unfortunately!
by Lisa on September 24, 2008 at 9:25 pm. #
Sweetie, you are soooo loved. One day you will know it, but for now I will keep telling you. And I’ve started Christmas Shopping already too. Shhhhhhh.
by Jo Beaufoix on September 25, 2008 at 2:14 am. #
Only you can make this change. I think you’ve come a long way in just the short time I’ve been reading you…
by tracey on September 25, 2008 at 4:31 am. #
you had better not do the “appology/thankyou ” gift with me girly!! (shakes finger with furrowed brow) having wonderful you in my life is all the gift I need!!
by Jenn on September 25, 2008 at 7:43 am. #
And then there’s me, who doesn’t give gifts to anyone.
And umm, totally off topic. But your feed? is partial. And I hate that. So, umm, could you make it a full feed pretty pretty please? I’m pretty sure you didn’t do it on purpose. (Did you? I don’t believe it.) ;)
by MomBabe on September 25, 2008 at 8:39 am. #
I very much understand the feeling of needing to buy everyone and their dog a gift. I had to get myself under control a few years ago when it started to hurt financially. It’s not necessary and there are ways I can show people how much I love them without stressing myself out emotionally (and financially). But of course I’m expecting a gift from you, lol…oh wait, we were going to forget to buy each other gifts together, right?
by Erin on September 25, 2008 at 10:49 am. #
I can’t think of Christmas yet because October has birthdays galore around here. I’m still figuring out what to get for THAT. It’s a good distraction/delaying technique :-).
My problem isn’t figuring out what to get my kids; it’s remembering where I stash them afterwards!
by Pink Ink on September 25, 2008 at 11:52 am. #
Kim, you are MORE than enough! You are simply wonderful … now how do I get this message through your thick skull :) !?!
And finding the perfect gift for someone I love always brings a smile to my face.
by An Ordinary Mom on September 25, 2008 at 12:49 pm. #
You are enough. Never question that. If you have any doubt, look to your daughters. They know you’re enough. Enough to keep them safe. Enough to keep them alive. Enough to make them happy. Knowing you’re enough is key because it’s up to you to ensure your daughters know THEY are enough too.
As far as Christmas gift-giving goes… I give what I am able to give from the heart and to me, it is enough. If the recipient of my gift doesn’t feel that way it’s more about them (and their issues) than it ever could be about me or my gift to them. For me, the joy of giving is the gift I get each Christmas.
It’s not about the gifts any way; it’s about celebrating the important things (meaning of Christmas) and gathering with family. Those are gifts enough, I say. So enjoy Christmas and every other day through the eyes of your children. Soon enough they’ll be 20 and 17, (like my boys) and want only cash and Banana Republic gift cards so enjoy it now!
Smooches,
J
by Janet on September 25, 2008 at 12:53 pm. #
I don’t hate you, I’ve already started Christmas shopping and Christmas crafts. I figure I’ll spread it out rather than spending all at once or not having time to complete the projects I have planned. I like the receiving, but I LOVE the giving.
by Jaina on September 25, 2008 at 3:30 pm. #
Giving is FUN! But it’s not easy finding the right present for the right price. I hate that part about shopping.
And I like to get all the kid’s presents out of the way before Halloween, if possible. Makes the season much more enjoyable if I don’t have to cram for last-minute gifts.
by wynne on September 26, 2008 at 8:57 am. #
Oh dear, such a real and honest post. I don’t quite know what to say. All I can think is that your loved ones have always known your worth, regardless of the quality or quanity of gifts you shower on them. Perhaps it’s time for you to start believe in yourself instead of trying to bribe people into seeing your worth. They already do, I’m sure.
I have had the pleasure of spending a stinking hot day with you, in which neither of us were at our best and yet, I still enjoyed your presence. You’re a lovely person who doesn’t need to be doing cartwheels to make an impression.
I’m rambling, but you get my point. You’re great, gifts or no gifts.
And at the very least, think of the environment when you consider your giving this year (as I’m sure you would)… we need to all be a little least materialist if we want to prove our worth to the planet we live on, eh?
by Carolyn on September 26, 2008 at 9:47 pm. #
Darn. Missed a pun there.
I should have written “I still enjoyed your presence, not your presents.”
by Carolyn on September 26, 2008 at 9:48 pm. #