This post isn’t about rising above so much as it is about my chronic failure to ever do so. By nature (or by virtue of self-indulgence) I am a moper, whiner, and wallower. When things don’t go my way? I sulk, pout, and do just about anything to get sympathy (short of pretending to faint – though I confess I was tempted once).
Having hit adolesence with the force of a heavily wielded feather, I never properly employed my latent knack for melodrama. I was too timid and fearful. Too quiet and self-spoken. I was more the type to moon and sigh. If I’d been prettier I probably could’ve pulled off some good old-fashioned languishing too.
These days? Although I’ve kicked the acne and hunch-back posture of my socially awkward phase, I’m not pulling off that languishing thing. You see, my flair for drama has shifted somewhat. No more the quiet and demure. I am now a loud talker. A gesticulator. An extreme facial expression user. And sometimes, it gets me in trouble.
That, my dear friends, is the source of the pride wounding information Neil shared with me Sunday afternoon. Someone took him aside and pointed out that I, in my inhibition-less state, had been babbling on and on about things that it’d be better if I just shut up about. Specifically, about the alteration in our financial state from poor starving grad students to owners of a thriving optical clinic. How former concerns aren’t so concerning and that once the clinic is paid off, hmm…what will we do then? Buy real estate? Buy another business? Invest in college funds for the kids. What to do…what to do…
What I need to do is shush. We do not live in an affluent area. The fact that we’re going to be quite comfortable once our student loans, bank loan, and business loan are paid off (ten years, give or take), is none of anyone’s business. And someone told Neil that I was “flaunting” our wealth.
Ouch.
You know the line “It hurts because it’s true?” That really applies here. Not that I intended that. Not that I’m bragging. I’m really more kerflummoxed by it all. I grew up on the comfortable side of poor. Optometry school was not cheap. They were difficult, lean years. Suddenly things are easier and I, apparently, have had trouble shutting up about the fact.
So I spent the day pouting today. And feeling sorry for myself. I sat on the couch and played on the computer pretty much most of the day. I thought that I had earned “a day off.” And now I’m laughing over that because people, moms do not get days off. The house is a mess. I have no sense of accomplishment as this day draws to a close. I feel grumpy and irritable and really, really peeved at myself.
This is my reward for having had to endure a rough weekend? To be achy and sore from sitting on the couch. To have a messy house and discontented children. To feel ashamed when my husband arrived home and I admitted to him how lazy and unproductive I’d been today.
I need to rise above. That’s a skill I desperately need to grasp. I matter too much to be pulling a pout fest every time life gets tricky. I matter to my husband. To my kids. To my friends. Some days, the good days, I’d even be willing to admit that I matter to myself.
Tomorrow I’m going to take a real day off. A day off from self-pity. A day off from feeling like a worthless lump. And at the end of the day I’m going to post my Done List. Because if I’m going to brag, by golly I’m going to do it on purpose.
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35 Comments
And so you should! I love you! You are just so honest and I love that. I’m sure people have talked about me because I, like you, am a loud talker, gesticulator and extreme facial expression user as well : ) I’m sure I’ve put people off many times. It’s tough figuring out this whole new extroverted personality and making it fit with the rest of the world…especially when you’ve been so used to being the wall flower.
I hope you have a productive, satisfying day tomorrow. I will try the same.
It takes true effort to rise above. It’s easier to sink. But, it sounds as if you have the wits about you to make the effort. It is worth it. Don’t feel to bad about a day off, maybe it put you in a better position to be re-energized. You have to honor might, mind and strength. It sounds like your little siesta paid off. You have renewed desire. :)
Thanks for being honest. Your stories are almost uncomfortable to read because I’ve done so many things like this and I hate the feeling! But I admire you for talking so openly about the cold, hard truth!
Hmm…I still don’t think that individual was right to say anything in the first place. Especially since they weren’t brave enough to say it to you. But sometimes these things work for our betterment, even if it’s painful.
Ouch. I hate that feeling — that you’ve messed up and somebody feels bad on your account. It has happened to me several times and feels like a punch in the gut.
But the best part about you is that you have good intentions, and I *know* you weren’t intending to make anyone feel bad.
And I’m glad she spoke up. I think that takes courage. Even if she said it to your husband (less confrontational — I can understand that, and I think it was actually appropriate, really — now, level-headed, you can craft an appropriate response).
And. I give myself mommy-days-off when I need it. Sure, the house goes to pot and the kids start to go stir-crazy, but soon I’m re-engergized and remotivated.
I love the idea of a Done list, instead of a To Do list! I’m definitely doing one of those myself.
Love this post. Isn’t it funny how we come across without meaning to at all? And it only happens very rarely that we actually find out how someone felt about something we said or did. Imagine all the times we’re misunderstood without our ever finding out!
I hate those days when you allow yourself to indulge in laziness. It’s almost NEVER worth it yet I seem to forget that over and over.
I can’t wait to read tomorrows post! Best of luck to you!
You are so relate-able. I love it. I have had “down”, pity-me times like you had. But it’s good to feel sorry about something now and again becasue it’s the first step to becoming better.
By the way I hope you don’t mind, but I lifted the photo of your book from your blog to use on tonight’s post cuz I really think your book is great even though I didn’t win :-)
You’re so honest and I love that. I too was shy, inarticulate, introverted and socially awkward up until fairly recently and now I too am more ‘animated’, to put it mildly. And the amount of times I have been misunderstood as a result…
I think most people need to learn how to rise above, and it’s not something that comes easily. I hope you feel better today.
I TOTALLY understand this!! When my hubby got his promotion we in turn, received a substantial raise to go with it. We’ve been broke practically from day one making one financially disastrous mistake after another. This time, out of debt and with cash in our pockets I was ready to tell the world (and our friends) how LUCKY we were. Apparently money isn’t an issued people like to hear about. WHATever.
I think it’s awesome that you guys are set up for life – too bad people can’t just be happy for you and instead have to go waggling their tongues.
I suffer from the late night guilts too when my kids are in bed and I realize I haven’t much (if anything) with them that day.
Enjoy your day off from self-pity and I hope at the end of your day you can look around and feel excited at what you accomplished!
Once again, love this post. It is so easy to tell yourself you deserve to wallow and such. And you’re right, it doesn’t feel good to handle things that way. But sometimes it’s nice to sit and think and write for a day too. Now that it’s done, enjoy your “getting things done” day. I should really have one of those too :)
Whatever. I doubt you were flaunting anything. I think hard work is just that, and that you should be able to say “hey, we are working our bums off, and now we’re in a good place” without having to worry about offending someone. Just because you’re not in that place yet doesn’t mean that I can’t enjoy it and be grateful for it. Ugh.
And seriously, how insecure are you that you tattled to the husband? Sheesh, people.
You go girl!
I love your honesty as I’ve said before. As for the peole talking bad about you, they are probably trying to hide the fact that they are jealous. There is NO shame in being blessed!!
Hugs!
Enjoy getting stuff done ;)
Why is it that we can’t just be happy for one another, instead of feeling bad about what we don’t have?
I don’t know, I still think it was a bit petty of someone to tattle to your husband.
But I’m so impressed with how you’re handling it!
Can’t wait to see your done list.
Don’t rise too far above. I love your openness and honesty and drama of your posts. I like that you’re loud and exuberant and hilarious. In fact, I gave you an award for it, remember? Which was totally meant in the most fun and admirable way possible.
Oh gosh, I sound like I have a blog crush on you. Don’t worry. I never stalk in real life. :)
Ahhh sweetie, you are so cool. And I know you were talking about exciting plans for the future, not bragging, but I suppose if people are sensitive about something they can take offense. I’m glad your hard work has paid off and that your hopes are high. Hugs.
I think it was a bit cowardly to tell your husband to shush you; I hate confrontation profoundly, but I still think it is kinder to be direct with the person – um, you – if he had a problem with what you said.
And I understand where you are coming from. We have had some extremely difficult years, followed by this very blessed one – right when a lot of our friends are having a tough time during this economy. My saying it will pass sounds hollow when we are doing ok, today.
(How quickly it is forgotten, the years I worked weekends so we’d stay afloat.)
Take your day and rise above.
I know, deep down, you are kind and not cruel.
Now you believe it too.
I think it’s just plain lame that someone took your hubby aside–give me a break. Can’t we be happy for other people? I’ve had similar experiences to this and it just bugs me and brings to mind all kinds of things–would they have issue with your financial state if they weren’t breaking the commandment of coveting? Grrrrr. Rise above if you must, but he could have simply kept his mouth shut and been happy that after all the years of hard work it’s paying off for you guys. As for me, I hope you’re absolutely rolling in it and you do buy real estate and take expensive vacations and send your kids to space camp. Go for it. It’s not a sin to have money, but it is a sin to be mean, spiteful, and judgmental.
Love ya kim
Wow. Deep responses. As my hubby from the get go has asked me not to talk about our financial state sometimes it’s hard. Especially now that we are ok. I understand why someone could get offended but I agree that I don’t think it’s correct of someone to say that, especially as if any one knows you they know you are not trying to “flaunt your wealth”, an accusation I find absurd.
Wow, that sounded high-falutin!
Love you. Come flaunt your wealth to me any time! :)
I am 99% certain that this problem had everything to do with “them” and not “you”. It is perfectly okay for you to be happy and excited or befuddled about your economic status to come.
I do believe that so many people have money issues, that they project their feelings onto others. Most likely this person is envious….and just doesn’t want to hear about it.
I read your blog regularly but never post but feel incredibly compelled… I don’t think the problem is with you… Whoever this person is just sounds ridiculous. 1) if they had an issue with what YOU were saying then they should have spoken with you NOT your husband 2)that person clearly feels threatened that they would even feel the need to bring up what you commenting on b/c I just can’t imagine you being that obnoxious about it 3) you were in church which means that we should all be a place of openness and not criticizing others.
Be at Peace and SERIOUSLY pay no attention.
Yep… I’ve done that, too. Totally put my foot in it, talked too loud, whatever.
But the thing is, it’s only what people perceive. I’m with just about everyone else here… They should have spoke to you directly. What cowards!
Personally, we’re not doing so well financially, but I think it’s great that you are. Good for you! You’ve worked hard for it. It’s not like you’re celebrating something really gauche, that your rich parents died and now you can spend money on useless things and you don’t feel bad at all.
Hey, we all make mistakes. It sucks when someone points them out to us, but at least you are able to reevaluate how people ay perceive your words…
I understand how that can happen…
You’re so grateful and amazed when the struggling starts to ease up that you can’t help but bubble over and count your blessings out loud. (This happened to me for a bit right after we sold our house in California. People probably didn’t like hearing that we suddenly had NO mortgage! But I was honestly just grateful and amazed. Not flaunting, or gloating, or anything of the sort.)
Still, it’s good to be aware of how your personal rejoicings might be received by others. Maybe rein it in just a tad. But find a few people you can rejoice with that will not respond in angry, jealous ways.
At Education Week I learned something that you mostly articulated here too: Depression makes us want to do the very things that will make us feel worse. And makes us not want to do the very things that will make us feel better. Vicious cycle. But the good news? Is that forcing ourselves to do those feel-good things anyway will indeed help us to rise above.
See? And you figured it out all by yourself. (I, on the other hand, had to sit through a class and take notes to come up with that one!)
xo
Oooh, I feel your pain! We were the poor Optometry students along with you and it feels great to be making TONS of money now! Our husbands worked long and hard to get where they are (and we had to put up with them for the 4 years of grad school) we deserve it. We have a hard time with family members feeling the same way as the person in your ward did. As far a people at church, we get a comment every so often about it from somebody as well. Why can’t people be proud of the hard work our husbands put in and see that they’re reaping the benefits. They oculd’ve gone to school for 8 years, they chose not to! I love the fact that we’re able to live comfortably now, it was defintily worth it. That’s awesome that you guys own the practice, I didn’t realize that. Rick’s in the middle of buy a portion of the one he’s working at to be a partner, or possibly just buying 2 of the 4 stores from the other doctor and doing his own thing. Wish us luck!
Oooh, I feel your pain! We were the poor Optometry students along with you and it feels great to be making TONS of money now! Our husbands worked long and hard to get where they are (and we had to put up with them for the 4 years of grad school) we deserve it. We have a hard time with family members feeling the same way as the person in your ward did. As far a people at church, we get a comment every so often about it from somebody as well. Why can’t people be proud of the hard work our husbands put in and see that they’re reaping the benefits. They oculd’ve gone to school for 8 years, they chose not to! I love the fact that we’re able to live comfortably now, it was defintily worth it. That’s awesome that you guys own the practice, I didn’t realize that. Rick’s in the middle of buy a portion of the one he’s working at to be a partner, or possibly just buying 2 of the 4 stores from the other doctor and doing his own thing. Wish us luck!
Here’s what I think:
I think you need to get out of yourself and serve others. THink to yourself, “Who around me could I help today?” You’ve obviously been blessed, and because of that, you need to bless others. Stop being so introspective, and feeling bad about yourself, and work on making others happy. In turn, you will become a happy, more confident person. VOILA! No more self pity/loathing/obsession! :*
Love you…
I think you’re great for trying to make a change in your life. I ALSO think it’s lame of the other person to have said anything at all… I mean, they’d happily listen to you if you were saying your life was awful. And they might even offer to bring you jello… so why not rejoice with you in your happiness? Hmph.
I think I should do a DONE list… so often I get to the end of the day and I don’t have a clue what I’ve done all day…
3 cheers for rising above and taking a day off from beating yourself up. Hip..hip horray!!! and you know the rest ;o) Love ya girl.
Ah… it’s amazing how we can offend without ever knowing it! I’m sorry this has happened to you… but I look forward to your next post. Just remember Anne… “Every day is a new day with no mistakes in it”
yes yes yes you are getting it. you know, the fact that you are responsible for how everyone else feels?
in fact, i just want to point out that i felt very uncomfortable about this post because even i, from cardiff, felt the harsh blows of how wealthy you are. just look at this diamond-encrusted blog! would you really look at it? what have you become!
seriously, this is a normal conversation people have. normal people. you are normal. i can see i’m going to have to come over there and sort you out.
luckily, you can pay for it now. (kIDDING!!!)
It truly amazes me how we are all offended by different things in life. Personally if you were bubbling over about all of this to me, I would know you weren’t flaunting your wealth. In the least bit. After all, you are very generous with what you have been blessed with!
And on another note, I do know some people who openly talk about money and their medical school loan woes and I do think they are a bit over the top now. It all comes down to people’s intentions and the way they choose to voice, both figuratively and literally, their lots in life. I do think we need to celebrate the success of others, but it can be done in a tactful way. And success isn’t always measured by wealth and the amount of time in school – not that you think that at all. I am just responding to one of the previous commenter’s. After all, my husband and I have been in school for 10 years now, and although we should be mildly comfortable in life, by no means will we be making “TONS of money” even though we chose to go to school for so long.
And why didn’t this person talk to you instead of tattling to your husband? That is what is most odd to me about this dilemma.
Awww, punkin. A very similar thing happened to me once; I can really empathize.
I think it’s okay to have a pouty day once in a while. I think they are marvelously invigorating; do you think you would have been as bionically productive yesterday if you hadn’t had the sluggish sense memory of the day before? Maybe; maybe not.
xoxoxo
If you need to have pout day, then have one, and that is alright.
The difference between a true pouter and a person who pouts is that the pouter never stops. Ever. They are in a perpetual snit.
I know, I used to be married to one.
Kim, as several others have said before me, be happy for what you have worked hard for, and don’t let the naysayers and the mean-spirited jealous words of someone else do anything to tarnish that. If you want to talk about your plans, then talk about your plans. I am THRILLED for your fortune, my dear, even more so because clearly, it was brought about by hard work and determination.
Hisss and boooo and SHAME on the naysayer, I say.
ENJOY what you have. Truly, take joy in it, and your accomplishments. Else, why do we work so hard if not to enjoy it? There is nothing wrong in that, I say!
Peace :)