Two’s Company
by Kym on September 10, 2008
We had our two girls fairly close together. Not so close that anyone has ever thought them to be twins, but close enough that I am sometimes given sympathetic looks and asked, “So…umm…how close are they?” These questions often follow a frazzled look on my face or an obviously frazzling experience. For instance, the day I had to run errands in town and discovered upon arrival that Neil had removed the stroller from the trunk of the car and had the freaky experience of both kids running off…at the same time…in opposite directions.
The days I’ve spent wishing Emma had been a bit older when Becca arrived are innumberable. However, so are the days I’ve spent in reflection and gratitude for the closeness of my beautiful girls.
When Becca was first born it was rough. She was a happy baby for the most part, but her scheduling was off for the first few months and I? Was not handling the sleep deprivation well. Add to that an undiagnosed case of Post Partum Depression (yes, it does indeed deserve the capitals), a very boisterous toddler, and having to move every three months for my husband’s schooling. Emma took every opportunity to love her new little sister. Often in the form of hugs (around the neck), laying on top of her, trying to feed her when Mommy wasn’t looking, and throwing various toys and other paraphenlia at her head.
I grew angry and resentful of Emma. Becca was the sweetest of babies, and it was hard not to cast Emma in the role of villain. Though her shenanigans were never malicious, I had trouble seeing that in my muchly befuddled state. This went on for the first year of Becca’s life and though it gradually got better as Becca learned to walk and hold her own a bit, my temper continued to flare. Frequently.
And it’s not like I didn’t know it was happening. It was an excruciatingly torturous experience. I felt like I’d been possessed and forced to watch as the body snatcher hurt my family and myself. I would often break down sobbing but when Neil asked what was wrong I could never put it properly into words. It was a very dark time in my life, and climbing up from those depths was no quick or easy thing.
That’s a story for another time though. Back to the present.
Now, at two and a half, Becca is developing a more, shall we say, assertive personality. She voices her displeasure loudly and often, in a very shrill, ear piercing sort of way. I can honestly say that I have felt phsycial pain from the pitch and decibel level of her shrieks.
The playing field has been levelled somewhat.
Emma is no longer the only instigator of screaming matches. Loud thumps followed by wailing are not always her fault anymore. And I am immensely relieved. I don’t feel so angry and protective anymore. I feel like I can love my children equally as I feel I always should have. It was a rough couple of years but I feel like we’re finally getting a handle on things around here.
It’s a bit shaming, really, to realize and admit to how long I favoured one child more than the other. I hope that I can learn from this lesson and do better next time. If there is a next time.
Now, as I sit on our little patio typing on the ole laptop, I’m listening to my children yelling and giggling and chatting with each other. They share ideas, invent stories together, push each other on the swingset. I hear Becca squeal with delight as Emma races her around the yard in her green plastic car, the rumble of the wheels on our gravel driveway as they whoosh by, laughing hysterically.
In the midst of the grief and the shame there is a flicker of pride. I could have done so much better. I could have been so much more patient, so much more loving. I could have been kinder, more selfless, and more giving of my time to my children.
But I did teach them something. I taught them to love each other. Perhaps my favourtism wasn’t as transparent as I fear it was.
Yesterday afternoon I watched as Becca climbed up onto the couch and deposited herself in Emma’s lap. She leaned forward and gave her a huge hug and said, “I love you Emma!” “I love you bigger Becca!” “No, I love you biggest!”
Yes, my children are close. We felt inspired to make that decision, and though I once questioned it intesely and often, I no longer doubt that this was the right choice for our family.
As I look at the world with new clarity, shaking off the lingering traces of depression and despair, I can’t help feeling a bit reflective.
Could I have climbed up from the depths without the both of them?
26 comments
Oh how this hits home. And you just gave me a bit of hope. I know it can improve, but sometimes it seems as if it never will.
But I’ve often thought about how hard the second baby transition has been for us (colic and illness, etc…) and realized that it really has made me a better mom. As ugly as I’ve been at times. (a lot of times).
Thank you for this post. I needed it :)
by Heather of the EO on September 10, 2008 at 9:03 pm. #
Max and Jessamine are two years apart, but they seem like twins most of the time. They are very close. Max is definitely the more difficult child though, and I’ve had to really strive not to show favoritism toward his sister. She just makes it so much easier than he does, but I love him just as fiercely.
by Memarie Lane on September 10, 2008 at 9:23 pm. #
Do you think it’s really favoring one child? Or do you think it’s loving them differently for their different needs? Of course a baby needs more protection and more help, thus the baby will likely get more time and more attention.
I’ve found that I’ve learned to love my children so differently from one another, and I’ve tried to get away from the guilt of positively dreading going shopping with one, while I don’t mind it with another. Because I know that my least favorite child to shop with, is my most favorite child to cook with.
I think it all evens out in the end.
But you know you’re doing something right, because your girls are so wonderful – - by themselves and with each other. You’re a great mom!
by JustRandi on September 10, 2008 at 9:52 pm. #
Deklan and Piper are ten and half months apart. Malachi is the straggler, he’s two and half years younger than Piper. In retrospect, ten and a half months was CRAZY!!!!! Now, I love it. They play so nicely together, Piper thinks it’s cool she’s the same age as Deklan for a seven weeks, and Deklan hates it. But when they’re giggling together, riding bikes, and being silly… that’s when I almost wish Kai was a littler closer in age to them… almost.
by Abra on September 10, 2008 at 9:56 pm. #
We all have days where we feel we are favoring someone. I don’t think you can help it. But time gives all your kids a chance. And you just do your best!
by Cristy on September 10, 2008 at 10:11 pm. #
I am glad you have found the clarity you have been seeking. What a wonderful blessing.
And thanks for letting me know that with time things will improve. Some days I feel like Cory is going “to be the death of me.” The quote is from my lovely mother-in-law who used to say this on a daily basis with her son, who is now my mild mannered husband. Yes, I suppose there is hope :) !!
by An Ordinary Mom on September 10, 2008 at 10:21 pm. #
You have two beautiful little girls who are very lucky to have such a wonderful mother, even if you don’t always feel like one. ::hugs:: That was beautiful.
by Jaina on September 10, 2008 at 10:33 pm. #
Sarah and Abby are 16 months apart. The first few months were challenging, but seriously, for the last few years I have been SO GLAD that we had them so close together. They are best, best friends (and yes, sometimes worst enemies too).
I almost feel sorry for Carter, and wish he could have an Irish twin too.
by Sue on September 10, 2008 at 10:56 pm. #
My daughters couldn’t be more different than night and day. It was so easy to “like her more” when the second came along and only cried for the first year of her life. It was easy, also, to feel horrible and guilty for this. As they’ve aged, I can see that there are going to be periods of time as they change that one will be the “favorite”. I remind myself though that even though I favor the disposition of one child over the other, I still love them both equally. I could go on and on with the examples but instead I trust that you know exactly what I’m talking about ;)
by Shanna on September 10, 2008 at 11:19 pm. #
no you could not. it takes toys strewn all over the floor, stories that have to be read 15 times, and hugs all around to be brought out of ‘the depths’.
oh and also there’s the candy.
i get a little tiny bit of that kind of stuff sometimes now that the thrower is so much more cuddly. he is delighted when i arrive home, and gives queen of heart hugs all the time.
she will tell you, though, that he never does.
that’s because if she could she’d live a life of being hugged constantly by that boy.
by holly on September 10, 2008 at 11:26 pm. #
Those first years are hard… so hard… and as they get older, there is still bickering and craziness. But there are more and more moments of them connecting too :)
by Melissa on September 11, 2008 at 12:28 am. #
My two boys are eight years apart and there are some fantastic things about that. So fantastic that it’s hard to think about having another one so soon since baby G is only ten months old. Right now it seems unfathomable. But I know that like you, we’ll feel inspired when the time is right. If you felt that at first, even in the early months when it was easy to forget, you will have that feeling affirmed more surely as more time goes by. I’m glad you’re already seeing the fruits of your faith.
I wonder what it means that I am mnost definitely NOT supposed to have two kids too close together…? That I have a weak and fragile mind and would lose it the second one cried more than I was in the mood for on a particular day?
Why, yes, that’s exactly what it means. So we’ll stick with the two we’ve got for right now…maybe in a year we’ll see?
by Melanie J on September 11, 2008 at 1:12 am. #
So my boys are 17 months apart and we didn’t plan it that way. When they were both babies it was so very hard but it has gotten easier the older they get. They’re best buds and I love that.
by Summer on September 11, 2008 at 1:26 am. #
I think all parents have this struggle in some form or another, and I do believe that if we try, it all evens out.
I miss them now.
by Eowyn on September 11, 2008 at 1:44 am. #
You have just put words to something I feel often…still. I find I get angry at myself for sometimes favoring Aidan over Ella. It comes out because in my head I think “she should know better” but really, should she? She’s only 5. I need to remind myself often that my expectations are sometimes too high for the age they are at. You are such a good mom. Your girls are so lucky to have you : )
by Erin on September 11, 2008 at 2:52 am. #
That must be a relief to come to a point where you realize that there is more equality in your feelings toward your kids. If it was making you feel a little guilty before that would be difficult to continue to live with.
We had our first two close(ish) together and now we’ve got a baby who’s 17 months old and I’m still not pregnant. I’m already mourning a little that our last two won’t be so close in age. I do think, though that maybe our youngest son needs a little more time to be the baby of the family, so it may be a blessing in disguise.
Love this post. Again, don’t really know how to explain why or what I love about it. I think maybe I should just stop trying to put it into words and tell you that I love your writing/thought process and leave it at that. I promise not to do this on every comment I leave!
by Lisa on September 11, 2008 at 10:12 am. #
Me again! I’ve given you an award that you can read about at my place. And I apologize if you are sick of/can’t stand the things, but I’m just saying I like your blog, so don’t get all upset! :) I’m not quite sure how I’ve been sucked into this whole giving/receiving awards thing, but I AM a sucker, I guess.
by Lisa on September 11, 2008 at 12:47 pm. #
I have three – um, shall we say rambunctios? – boys, with a stretch of 26 months and 22 months apart. I have lost count of the eyebrow-raisings and mental calculations I have endured.
The splinters-under-the-fingernails-get-my-goat-comment, though, is “wow, you’re brave!”
It’s not meant as a compliment.
I just may print off your blog and hand it out to the next offender …
Thank you!
by The Watsons on September 11, 2008 at 12:48 pm. #
Great post!
I had my three very close together, 3 kids 3 and under yup that was me, there were days when I was tearing my hair out walking around like a zombie so sleep deprived and then Post Partum as well….I know I made many mistakes back then and now that the kids are a bit older I sometimes ask what their perception is of when they were little and all they remember is the good…praise the Lord for that!! It is so wonderful to see the kids loving each other…
You sound like an awesome mama!!
Again loved the post!
by Louise on September 11, 2008 at 1:45 pm. #
have you ever thought about getting into councelling women with PPD?? Maybe doing an info session?? your honesty is so raw and true….every women who experiences even a glimmer of what you went through/are going through will be given hope/inspiration be your words! Struggles and challenges really do make us better people and thus, better mothers. and I must say these evolutions have brought about a wonderful women…ever evolving growth.
by ~me, Jenn~ mama, wife, sister, friend, daughter... on September 11, 2008 at 3:28 pm. #
I actually wish I’d had my kids closer together, in retrospect. Our kids are all four years apart. Which was great — completely doable, and perhaps the ONLY way I could have handled it under the circumstances. But NOW it seems like the whole family would be a tad more cohesive if the kids were more similar in age.
Growing up I was the oldest, though, and TOTALLY felt that Emma-Becca thing. I was sure Mom loved her best. I’m so glad you are aware and are working to make things better there. Your self-awareness and resultant honesty is astounding. No wonder you’re making such exponential soul-growth!
And, referring to your last couple of paragraphs, isn’t it amazing how the things that are the very hardest are often the very things that save us?
xo
by charrette on September 11, 2008 at 3:53 pm. #
My kids are 2 years apart and I had many days like you had, feeling guilty that maybe if I’m favoring one over the other. Now they’re teen-agers and I still have days like that although fewer and farther apart. There is always that sibling rivalry thing going on between them but they are also very close and love each other fiercely. I know they will be friends for the rest of their lives and that gives me comfort as a Mom. I’ve made a lot of mistakes, could have should have been a better Mom, but I hope I did some things right. You indicated your struggles through depression as you parented Emma and Becca. It sounds to me you came through and overcame. What great inspiration you lend to the rest of us. I always love visiting your blog. I’m glad my break is ovah!
by Marivic_Little GrumpyAngel on September 12, 2008 at 3:53 pm. #
I’m with justrandi. I don’t think it’s favoritism so much as it is survival. The baby needs you that much more than the child just a little older.
And the resentment–that’s just human.
And you’re doing worlds better than I am! (I hope I can muster enough hope and insanity to have another one. Someday. Before my ovaries dry up like raisins and rattle around when I walk.)
by wynne on September 12, 2008 at 5:05 pm. #
I loved that so much Kim. I struggled with miss E at times. M was so tiny and helpless and easy to love while E was a whirlwind. Now I have found peace with the side that struggled with that toddler and I love who and what she is and was because she is my E now, and I wouldn’t change her for the world. Hugs.
by Jo Beaufoix on September 12, 2008 at 8:23 pm. #
My two daughters are 26 months apart. We were at a store with them recently, and there were two ladies there were talking to each other wondering if the two of them could possibly be from the same family because they were so close in age. I had to laugh.
by Thora on September 13, 2008 at 4:06 pm. #
my older brother and i are 1.5 yrs apart…and speaking directly out of that experience, the closeness you have given your daughters will keep them rich for the rest of their lives.
:)
by Nic on September 15, 2008 at 9:56 pm. #