Bellies and Babies
by Kym on October 2, 2008
I felt surrounded this morning, visually assaulted by the pregnant or baby toting women thronging the local playgroup. Forced to take in the sight of cute maternity clothes, drool spattered pink cheeks and fuzzy baby blankets. I even caught a whiff of new baby smell at one point and found myself fighting off tears.
Schmuck, I told myself.
The miscarriage was four months ago, and I’m displaying my characteristic lack of patience in wanting to be pregnant right away. No thought for what is best for my health or my family, I simply crave the comfort of knowing I’m not done. I get swept away by the fear that I’ll never hold a baby I’ve created in my arms again. I get annoyed with myself for being so dramatic about it all, for having to fight off tears so often. Arrogantly, I believe that I am smarter than this. More rational than this. But day after day I prove those beliefs wrong.
There is no patience in me. No acceptance of God’s will. Just a cycle of hope and anticipation, sorrow and fear.
Sometimes I think I’m meant to be learning from this. Whether that be humility, or empathy, or an increase in faith, I don’t know. I think I’m too busy feeling sorry for myself to properly learn the lesson or lessons that are in store for me.
I hug my arms around myself and try so hard to keep the tears from coming but they spill over, and I lose myself in grief. Wanting so desperately to learn but feeling so out of control.
I feel broken, and I don’t know how I’ll be put together again. I wonder, do I shy away from learning what I need to learn because I’m afraid that’s my only path to healing? That the easy solution of being pregnant isn’t an avenue that’s open to me? I want that easy solution so desperately. Desperately enough to try to forget what I already know to be true.
That easy isn’t the same as right. That sometimes the hard road is the right one. I know that.
I just don’t want it to be true this time.
35 comments
Love to you. I’m sorry you are hurting.
by Eowyn on October 2, 2008 at 11:21 am. #
You’re not a schmuck. I, the girl with 4 beautiful kids, the girl that almost died the last 2 times, the girl that was surgically “fixed” to not have kids because it’s just too dangerous, longs to be pregnant. Every day. I can’t help feeling like someone is missing.
And I know it’s crazy talk, and I should be grateful for what I have… and I am! I AM! It’s just that, well, someone is missing….
by MomBabe on October 2, 2008 at 11:50 am. #
*hugs*
by Beth on October 2, 2008 at 12:12 pm. #
Oh Kim. Love and hugs.
by Anonymous on October 2, 2008 at 12:43 pm. #
much love to you Kim. You feel so deeply, and express it so well. I feel as if I am right there with you. I am sending you many many many healing thoughts.
Sorry I have been MIA, I am hoping to be all caught up now.
by Corey~ living and loving on October 2, 2008 at 1:03 pm. #
Kim, I wish I can give you a hug right now. I understand more than you know… Sometimes our heart just does not accept what our mind knows. And that’s really hard. I’m sorry. If I can send you hugs and love electronically I would…
by marivic(GrumpyAngel) on October 2, 2008 at 1:24 pm. #
I hate the hard road, but if it’s what God wants, it’s always the right one. It will happen and you’ll forget how long it seemed to take and be deliriously happy!
by Melanie J on October 2, 2008 at 1:24 pm. #
Sometimes we have to be broken before we can be rebuilt in God’s image. (see, I’ve been paying attention to what we were reading and discussing in our women’s book club) ::hugs::
by Jaina on October 2, 2008 at 1:29 pm. #
I’ve been there myself and it simply took me a long while. I had other friends who miscarried–they just seemed to pick up and go on, but I keenly, keenly felt such a loss. I just sort of had to lean into the grief and the sense of loss. I had to cry it out. I had to stomp around a little in the dark places of my heart.
I pray peace and healing for you. I pray hope for you.
Blessings~
by Octamom on October 2, 2008 at 1:34 pm. #
Your words instantly caught my attention, because i have been trying for 3 years to concieve a beautiful baby. The feelings you expressed are thoughts straight from my head! As i was reading, for the first time i felt like someone knew how i felt. Often times my family tries to understand but noone seems to realize that everymoment it is onmy mind. Thank you for your story, you are in my thoughts.
by emma on October 2, 2008 at 1:35 pm. #
Kim. I can only but imagine the sorrow you r experiencing. Being a man and father of one i can only but imagine the intense affect a miscarriage has on one. You got me all teared up whilst reading this blog. All i want to say is stay positive, God has a plan for you and as Melanie says, one day you will read this again and realize there was a reason for whatever has happened. Hold on to your faith, it will get you through troubled times. Thinking an praying with you.
by Henk on October 2, 2008 at 1:37 pm. #
:(
by Annette on October 2, 2008 at 1:56 pm. #
Oh, how I wish I could hug you right now.
by Becky on October 2, 2008 at 2:17 pm. #
(((hugs)))
by Abra on October 2, 2008 at 2:46 pm. #
Oh sister friend. You are so wise. You know this will all make sense someday. Even if not in this particular life. And you are still honest and real about the pain that can sometimes bring. Waiting. Hoping. Dissapointment. I’m sorry. You WILL live yourself right into the answers.
Now if we could just get rid of all cute maternity clothes, that would help a bunch :)
by Heather of the EO on October 2, 2008 at 4:03 pm. #
I swear MomBabe can read my mind! Those are my exact thoughts! I mourn not being able to have another baby every single day. I’ve even pathetically skipped baby showers because I know it will just set me off. My heart goes out to you Kimberly.
by Natalie on October 2, 2008 at 4:08 pm. #
Oh hugs to you.
When I had my daughter it was a c-section and they went ahead and tied my tubes. I thought I would be fine and that it was what wanted.
I wasn’t.
Try not to think too much.
loves you!
by dapoppins on October 2, 2008 at 4:52 pm. #
You know I know exactly how you are feeling about this. You also know that I am here 24/7 if you need to talk about this . . . and I’ll be waiting for you if you ever decide you want to . . .
*HUGS*
love you
by Kate on October 2, 2008 at 6:56 pm. #
I am so so so so sorry. Loss just creeps up on you when you’re least expecting it. I had a friend who lost both her parents when she was a teen-ager. When I asked her when it was the most difficult to cope, she said it came in waves. When she had her first boyfriend and no one to talk to. When she went to the temple. Grief can be such an overwhelming thing in our lives. :-( Hugs to you that your patience will be rewarded!
by Amber's Crazy Bloggin' Canuck on October 2, 2008 at 6:58 pm. #
Just want you to know I feel for you. There certainly aren’t many answers to these struggles of motherhood – whether it’s about the child you’re longing for, or the one you have who has issues that cause the future to be uncertain.
In things like this knowing how I should feel, or how I should look at the situation somehow just doesn’t make it any easier to do. But somewhere, if you keep looking, I’m sure you’ll find your peace. Hopefully next month… Wishing you the best!:)
by Jen on October 2, 2008 at 11:29 pm. #
I’ve not had to struggle with what you are, but I do know how it is to struggle with what I want and not receiving it from God, even though I think it’s the best thing for me. I’m none to patient myself! But I do keep having faith that God loves me and has not forgotten me. I know that he loves you and has not forgotten you.
by Mindy on October 3, 2008 at 6:06 am. #
I know how hard it is to struggle and try to accept God’s will. There was a time when I didn’t think I would accept it. I was mad and that was that. I now know the wisdom behind what happened and why. It is still hard for me to think that I will never carry a child but I push on because I know that He will make it right. Keep hugging yourself Kim and hugs those sweet girls too.
by Tonya on October 3, 2008 at 6:45 am. #
Oh Kim. I’m so sorry you are feeling this way. I hope that soon you find some peace from this. And I pray that soon after peace surrounds you that you find yourself holding a positive test. (((Hugs)))
by Deconstructing Jen on October 3, 2008 at 7:11 am. #
It’s ok to grieve about it as long as you need. Don’t feel guilty for that.
by Summer on October 3, 2008 at 7:51 am. #
You are so loved Kim.
by Heffalump on October 3, 2008 at 8:18 am. #
Every once in awhile I still tear up over the sight of a pregnant mom or a new baby…and that was four YEARS ago, not four months ago. It’s normal to grieve over all of it, because its not just one lost pregnancy you’re grieving, it’s a complete life, and your experience of bringing that life into the world and nurturing and enjoying it. And process that you love that has become a large part of your identity. There is so much complexity wrapped up in that grief.
That said, it does get better. The sadness comes less often. Getting wrapped up in the joy of watching your other children learn and grow tends to overpower the sadness. Most of the time. My heart aches for you, and I hope you can find a peaceful place to let this, too, rest.
by charrette on October 3, 2008 at 11:22 am. #
Perhaps you are being prepared for a greater work. It may be that your next child will require more attention than you are ready to give right now. Your prayers will be answered.
by Kalola on October 3, 2008 at 3:38 pm. #
oh kimberly, you are awesome. for fighting these feelings when maybe just embracing them will help you overcome them. you are loved and prayed about and thought about and will get through this. hang in there!
aubrey´s last blog post..i know
by aubrey on October 3, 2008 at 8:02 pm. #
and don’t go look at my most recent post. cuz, i feel kind of dorky, now.
aubrey´s last blog post..i know
by aubrey on October 3, 2008 at 8:02 pm. #
“I simply crave the comfort of knowing I’m not done. I get swept away by the fear that I’ll never hold a baby I’ve created in my arms again. I get annoyed with myself for being so dramatic about it all, for having to fight off tears so often.”
It is so incredibly hard to make this deep yearning go away. It’s painful and it’s deep. I know.
I am praying for you!
Sending lots of love your way!
An Ordinary Mom´s last blog post..It’s All In My Head
by An Ordinary Mom on October 3, 2008 at 8:43 pm. #
Oh sweetie, it will happen. This isn’t some kind of punishment, it doesn’t mean it won’t happen, but maybe your body just isn’t ready or you’re not quite strong enough yet so something is making things slow down. 4 months isn’t very long though I know when you want to be pregnant 1 week is too long, 1 day, but there is time. Have you thought that your sadness at that baby smell could still be sadness over the miscarriage? You are putting yourself under so much pressure. Slow down, take a deep breath, cuddle those girls and find your hope. I wish I could give you a hug, but I am sending one ok, it is virtual but still very strong. xx
Jo Beaufoix´s last blog post..Little Monsters
by Jo Beaufoix on October 4, 2008 at 3:30 am. #
I can relate, quite painfully, to this post. I’ll leave it at that.
XOXO
Chick´s last blog post..Just me.
by Chick on October 4, 2008 at 3:48 pm. #
I am so sorry you are going through this. I have lost 2 pregnancies this year (one in March, and one in August). It threw me into a deep grief that I don’t think I have ever felt before. If there is something to learn, don’t feel like you have to learn it right now. Take the time to grieve. I understand the desire to be pregnant right away. My last pregnancy was an unusual one, and because of the situation, I am not supposed to get pregnant for at least 6 months. There is nothing I want more than that baby. The due date of the first one came and went, and I made it through. It was not easy. I also feel like no one in my life understands. If you need someone to understand what you are going through, I’m here. I am so sorry for your loss.
by Brooke on October 4, 2008 at 5:15 pm. #
Surrender is key my dear friend! grief is part of it all and, honey, you are not alone in this!! miscarriage is HARD…not getting pregnant when you are trying is HARD……you are dealing with both!! let yourself cry, tears are healing and honestly, I really think it is a strengthening thing to cry (and no, I’m not just saying that because I shed tears on a nearly daily basis! lol)
all my love!
Jenn´s last blog post..~Sweet lil’ Willow~
by Jenn on October 5, 2008 at 9:58 am. #
i love you. and i’m sorry.
nic´s last blog post..booklove
by nic on October 6, 2008 at 4:33 pm. #