Closing the Mouth and Opening the Heart
by Kym on October 9, 2008
I used to be a good listener. It’s hard not to be when you’re too petrified to actively participate in a conversation. I’d go so far as to say I had a knack for getting people to talk about themselves. Experssing avid interest in other peoples lives saved me the angst of trying to put my own into words. Better to ask a question than have to answer one.
I think people liked confiding in me because hey, it’s not like Kim is much of a talker and really, who’s she going to tell? My social awkwardness had a rather interesting side-effect in this sense. I got to hear a lot about people’s inner struggles, the drama of their love lives, and often just whatever inane babble they didn’t feel like keeping one hundred percent to themselves.
A couple years ago that aspect of me flipped. Suddenly I was the confider instead of the confidante, and it set my head to spinning at first. I’m sure it unnerved the people in my life as well. I would tell anyone anything. The dam had burst and the babble was simply spewing from my mouth. I couldn’t seem to stop it. It got downright embarrassing at times and I’d even find myself wailing, “I’m sorry! I just can’t seem to shut up!” Self-awareness was a definite curse during this time, because I couldn’t be oblivious to it all.
I still wince a bit remembering specific conversations and the slightly concussed look on the faces of certain people who’ve been aflicted by my burgeoning self-confidence.
This weekend though I had a bit of a turn around. I don’t know what it was about that trip but I felt like I’d suddenly been granted access to my old sense of calm. I stared out the window taking in the scenery, lost in thoughts that I didn’t feel a burning need to vocalize. It was restful. I felt content.
When I met Crystal, who is a sweet and funny gal, not to mention the incredibly talented photographer who contributed her work to my recently self-published quotebook, I found access to that calm again. Instead of talking her ear off the way I usually do during such encounters, I was able to quiet myself and listen.
Crystal had a lot to say. She spilled over the way I myself so often have, and I hope I’m not presuming too much to say that she was grateful to have someone there who listened. Not only that, someone who wanted to listen. The concerns weighing on her heart are serious indeed. No inane chatter. There was nothing inconsequential tossed about during that conversation. It was a conversation that mattered. That meant something.
And I’m grateful to have had that moment of quietude where I could stop up my own selfish concerns and be there for someone else. I don’t do that often enough anymore, and it felt so good to feel that I was needed like that. We need that two way connection with our fellow human beings I think. That give and take of needing and being needed. Life seems a bit empty when those feelings are absent.
I feel full and happy when I contemplate the times in my life when I’ve (hopefully) meant something to someone else. And I’m so grateful to the people who allow me to.
23 comments
Wow. Good thoughts. I too find myself babbling away inconsequentially, and realizing it. Thanks for the reminder that quiet is good.
by Eowyn on October 9, 2008 at 10:39 am. #
You know. I don’t think you have to say (hopefully) because you HAVE surely meant a whole lot to a whole lot of people. You even had that effect on me and we’ve never actually met. I still found a way to email and ramble on and on. :)
That seriously is a gift though. People feel safe in sharing themselves with you. That’s a really good thing.
Heather of the EO´s last blog post..From the mouth of Miles
by Heather of the EO on October 9, 2008 at 11:15 am. #
I wish I were a better listener. I’m a compulsive advice giver; I should shut up more and stop interrupting to “solve” the problems I hear about. Embrace your gift for what it is.
Steph @ Diapers and Divinity´s last blog post..It’s a good thing we have paper
by Steph @ Diapers and Divinity on October 9, 2008 at 11:46 am. #
Kim,sometimes I am shocked when I read your stuff, because i could have written it myself. Actually, never as good as you, that is a very big difference between you and I, but more often than not I think, “Is this my long lost twin sister?” I’m shaking my head, again, today…
by Anonymous on October 9, 2008 at 1:42 pm. #
oh, that last comment was from me. :)
by elaine on October 9, 2008 at 1:43 pm. #
It’s definitely important to have someone to listen to you, as well as to be able to listen. I’m glad you’ve found both. :)
Jaina´s last blog post..Out of Sorts
by Jaina on October 9, 2008 at 1:49 pm. #
well when *i* was reading *my* copy of your book, i just thought that the pictures were stunning. and the witticisms keep us entertained well into the evening.
did i mention i love your book and if i were another commenter looking at this comment i should think i would rush out and get my own copy? just a thought.
anyway, yes, you’re an extrEMEly good listener (slash – chat receiver) and that reminds me i have a whole pile of things i have to tell you about me.
and one day, i hope to return that. :) :) :)
but now i must sleep for the hour grows late. i will save it for another comment.
hollydolly´s last blog post..rumours of my (blog) death are greatly exaggerated
by hollydolly on October 9, 2008 at 2:26 pm. #
I come from a long line of chatty Cathys and Kens.
We can blather.
But I’ve been honing in on this listening thing. It’s always funny when someone thanks me for helping when I swear I did not a darn thing. Nodded some, I guess.
I’m going to keep working on it, and save my friends some therapy. :)
Lisa Milton´s last blog post..revision
by Lisa Milton on October 9, 2008 at 3:22 pm. #
A great message I definitely need to take to heart more often. Thanks for the reminder.
Shanna´s last blog post..The Halloween Memory
by Shanna on October 9, 2008 at 4:06 pm. #
I feel like I should say something serious…but I am not sure what.
Your awesome.
dapoppins´s last blog post..5 pound bag of WHAT?
by dapoppins on October 9, 2008 at 4:52 pm. #
That’s a great reminder, and Crystal is a lucky person. I find there are only a few people in my life I ‘trust’ enough to get so deep with. I’ve chosen the wrong people at times and can feel it in my gut. It’s such a relief when you know your words are safe.
Josi´s last blog post..HELP ME, the google reader idiot
by Josi on October 9, 2008 at 6:00 pm. #
I don’t open up often, but everyone needs someone they can trust enough to confide in… you should feel important that you’re one of those people!
Love you!
Abra´s last blog post..MOMENTS LIKE THIS
by Abra on October 9, 2008 at 6:00 pm. #
I’ve always been the go to person for others as well. Sometimes that’s a very good thing. Sometimes it proves a great burden and now that I’m older I’ve realized there were certain things I was told that should have stayed between husband and wife, etc.
Summer´s last blog post..My Favorite On Screen First Kisses
by Summer on October 9, 2008 at 7:24 pm. #
Being entrusted with a shared confidence is one of the most priceless gifts there is. I’m always humbled and honored when someone sees me as a safe place to open up.
charrette´s last blog post..Up, Up and Away…
by charrette on October 9, 2008 at 7:52 pm. #
Sometimes I think the desire to be contributing to the conversation overwhelms the whole listening thing. Good reminder!
Jen´s last blog post..Simon Says… Follow Me!
by Jen on October 9, 2008 at 8:46 pm. #
That’s wonderful, to find a moment of quiet to just listen :-).
I have a hard time confiding in other women. Sometimes it comes down to, I find others so much more interesting. Yesterday, I asked someone a casual, “How are you?” and her face crumpled, and she said, “Crummy, actually,” and began to pour her heart out in the parking lot. I was glad I could be there, right at that moment, for her.
Pink Ink´s last blog post..Mail Call
by Pink Ink on October 10, 2008 at 6:55 am. #
wait. are you saying it’s not always about me? crap.
by MomBabe on October 10, 2008 at 9:45 am. #
Thanks Kim. I remember you as a calm young lady. I on the other hand…..
What’s nice is learning the balance in life, getting what you need, but giving what others need. I struggle sometimes but I think that I’ve come closer then ever before.
by Kelline Boel on October 10, 2008 at 10:36 am. #
I think we have to learn to strike a balance. To not just be good listeners but to be willing to open up when we need to. I tend to swing between one extreme and the other. But I do that with everything in my life. I’m trying to learn that balance doesn’t mean doing the opposite of whatever I’m doing now.
Melanie J´s last blog post..Falling for it
by Melanie J on October 10, 2008 at 11:39 am. #
Depends on the situation when I am the listener or the confider. I think we all go through different stages, as do our friends. I had one friend who was constantly the confider and NEVER listened to me. Relationships like that just don’t last long.
Amber’s Crazy Bloggin’ Canuck´s last blog post..A Joyous Friday
by Amber's Crazy Bloggin' Canuck on October 10, 2008 at 12:55 pm. #
How did you get inside my brain and write down my life history? Seriously!
I think I need to start listening again and shut my mouth more. And shut my brain from talking to itself when it is supposed to be listening to someone else.
“I stared out the window taking in the scenery, lost in thoughts that I didn’t feel a burning need to vocalize. It was restful. I felt content.” I want this again … although, I am sure there is a good balance that exists out there.
An Ordinary Mom´s last blog post..My Grandpa Has Moved On
by An Ordinary Mom on October 12, 2008 at 9:15 pm. #
Babe, your book is wonderful and Crystal’s photos are gorgeous. And Oh my Bob we are so alike. I was always the listener too scared to talk, but now I hope I’m a little of both though my listening skills have definitely suffered. :D
Jo Beaufoix´s last blog post..Text-tastic
by Jo Beaufoix on October 13, 2008 at 2:18 pm. #
First off, thanks to everyone who commented on my photography. Much appreciated. :)
Kim, thanks for letting me talk (though part of me wishes I let you ramble so I could have learned more about you…but heck, that’s what your blog is for!). Your words were helpful and kind, and needed more than you know. You’re a wonderful person and I’m thankful to have met you. *hugs*
I’d say something much more meaningful but to be honest, I’m hungy and I don’t have it in me right now. lol
But really, from the bottom of my heart, thank you. :)
by Crystal on October 15, 2008 at 12:21 pm. #