The Hope for Health
by Kym on October 28, 2008
It hit me this weekend. Hard. Painfully hard.
I’m fat.
I think that’s part of why I stay at home so much. Fewer mirrors and reflective surfaces. Fewer eyes to see the truth in. Fewer experiences, period. It’s easier to live in denial if you’re not doing much living, I guess. Also, if I don’t leave the house much, I don’t have to face up to just how few articles of clothing I own which actually fit.
This weekend though…there was swimming. There was a hotel room full of mirrors, shop windows reflecting me back at myself, and trying on an extra-large winter jacket and having it be too small (nearly cried over that – I thought I left “extra” behind me a year ago). Then coming home to face the scale after a weekend of carefree eating.
I’ve put on five pounds in the past month. It feels like ten though as I’d hoped to lose that much. I don’t quite know how to tackle this anymore. I’ve read every book I can find on the subject. I’ve learned so much about health and nutrition I’ve nearly achieved Guru status. I know, I truly know how to be healthy.
I’ve learned a great deal about what does and doesn’t work for me. I know what sort of exercising appeals to me. I know which healthy foods I find a treat and which make me gag. I know what routines and habits help me stay on track. I know what stresses and influences send me spiralling out of control.
And yet, inevitably I do just that. Spiral, out of control.
And I really, really, really hate being out of control. Conversely, I hate admitting to my responsibilities. I’m mental like that.
Responsibility is kind of what it comes down to for me. I’m responsible for my health. I get to decide if I wheeze after climbing a flight of stairs, or if squeezing into a public bathroom stall is traumatic or not. I choose my level of health and possibly the length of my life. I choose the quality of that life and the example I set for my children.
It’s not just about the dress size, you know? It’s not just about looking in the mirror and liking what I see. It’s about being a person I’m not embarrassed to be.
This being ashamed of myself…of my appearance, of the way I treat myself, is getting a bit wearing. I’m tired and weepy over it. I’m tired of weeping over it. I’ve recommitted myself to my health so many times it has no meaning anymore. What use are promises I’ve already broken countless times?
I’m done promising. But the good news is I’m not done hoping.
Hi. My name is Kimberly VanderHorst and I’m five-foot-eight and three quarters. And I weigh 189.8 pounds. When I get stressed or bored I eat to the point of nausea. I’ve come a long way from 230 pounds two and half years ago, but I have a long way to go before I’m who I want to be. I want to be healthy, in mind as well as body.
And if you continue reading here, you’re going to get really, really tired of hearing me babble on about it.
Skinny Kim
Fat Kim: And this was before the five pounds. Sigh.
37 comments
Hi Kimberly, I’m Eowyn and I’m here for you, as always.
Remember, we are going to make it through this holiday well together!
by Eowyn on October 28, 2008 at 1:11 pm. #
There’s always a trade-off, right? Whatever drives you to eat…you get something out of it. So maybe it’s either time to identify what that payoff is and decide if you really want it, or if there’s a different way to get it. For me, getting thin ( and I just acheived this as of a month ago), wasn’t about wanting badly enough to be thin. It was about wanting to exercise some control in my life more than I wanted comfort food. And the nice thing about being thin is that I have a margin for error that I didn’t before. Meaning if I eat 6 peanut caramel clusters (like I did yesterday), it’s a one time deal and it’s not going to tip the scale and I can just enjoy it instead of feeling bad about it.
I don’t know. I have a lot of thoughts about this, having just gotten to a happy place myself.
I’ll be reading to see how it goes! Good luck!
Melanie J´s last blog post..Oh, the humanity.
by Melanie J on October 28, 2008 at 1:19 pm. #
Umm, you realize you’re a major success story, right? Going from 230 to 189 is awesome. You obviously know how to go about the whole weight loss thing.
My little desperation strategy? Get religious about it. When all else fails, I go for the natural man/spiritual man (woman) argument, and pick a hymn or scripture to recite when I want food just because. It remindes me that the Lord expects me to overcome giving in to all the superfluous demands of my physical body, and helps me be motivated.
Then you have to constantly tell yourself you’re a babe who’s losing weight. And that you have no desire to over eat anyway. And you have to believe it.
Good luck! Five pounds is nothing – one pound at a time.:)
Jen´s last blog post..A Sad Tale
by Jen on October 28, 2008 at 1:39 pm. #
Hi Kimberly,
um, so I haven’t written BATTLE of the BULGE for sometime, and it’s because, the BULGE isn’t going away.
One day, I’m going to get lipo and SUCK it all away.
Until then,
I’m going to work it off, one lb at a time.
When I used to work at the Gap, I’d clock my time by the half hour rather than the hour.
I’d be all like “YES! It’s 5:30!”
Everyone thought I was nuts.
But I explained, it made the day go by faster waiting for the half hour than it did waiting for the hours.
That’s how I think about weight loss.
When I lose that one lb I think
Hi, my name is Abra, I’m 5’10 and weigh 150 lbs.
As soon as one more lb is gone, start thinking yourself as this:
Hi, my name is Abra, I’m 5’10 and weigh 149lbs.
(Insert your own name, height, and weight, silly girl!)
And before you know it, coupled with the power of thinking, you’ll be maintaining your weight, 1 lb at a time.
Oh and eat what you want, just figure out how much calories you should consume in a day, and count them.
Abra´s last blog post..Piper went for a nap, Deklan was watching TV so Kai and I put together a little routine…
by Abra on October 28, 2008 at 2:03 pm. #
Oh Kim. First off you are beautiful no matter what the mirror or the scale says. I think accepting and knowing that is the very first thing that must happen before you will move past the self loathing that comes with not being in control of your health. And as I say that I must eat my own words because I am in exactly the same spot you are only plus about 100 lbs. I’m lucky to be about 3 inches taller than you and I thankfully wear my weight well but I am to a point where I am unhealthy. And I don’t get why I can’t stop it. I know I need to. There isn’t a day that passes where I don’t think about it or vow to do something about it yet I never actually commit for the long term. I commit for an hour or a day or week or even 4 months at my best time but never for the long haul. And in the end I think it’s a vicious cycle. Self confidence and self love lead to taking care of yourself. If you don’t have that then you do things you know you shouldn’t and dislike yourself more. Thus the cycle.
And like Jen said….you’ve already come a very long way. 40 lbs is a huge accomplishment.
I’m definitely here for you. Anytime.
Deconstructing Jen´s last blog post..so, you asked for it…
by Deconstructing Jen on October 28, 2008 at 2:05 pm. #
I’m with you. Everyone I’ve talked to that has lost weight recently has done it through weight watchers. I am considering joining. Chin up! You have lost a lot of weight already. You are a wonderful person with a lot of insight and I love reading your blog. Just so you know.
by Brooke on October 28, 2008 at 2:22 pm. #
[...] Original post by EasyHealthhk.com [...]
by Weight Loss » Blog Archive » The Hope for Health on October 28, 2008 at 2:24 pm. #
Hey sweetie. It’s ok. Most of us know what it is like because for one reason or another we have been there, done that or are there doing that. I hate looking in the mirror and thinking “that’s not what I look like!”
For me, it was a matter of figuring out that my body does not process carbs very well. In fact, carbs stick to me like butter on bread (two carbs I no longer eat) One piece of bread today will result in a 3 lb gain on the scale tomorrow and a bloated yucky feeling. And sometimes I don’t care because I really want those potatoes. so I eat them. And feel yucky the next day, but make sure that I eat better as well.
But I make the choice and it is my choice and my consequence. No more not taking accountability for it. And after about 3 months of watching it, I have lost 10 lbs. and feel better and I find that I rarely crave those carbs. In fact, it is getting easier to pass them up for the healthier food.
Go here http://profile.rodale.com/uof/curves/ccincentive/landing_page.jsp
take the quiz and see if maybe you are eating the wrong healthy foods causing you to crave the unhealthy foods. Made a big- no HUGE difference for me.
Sandra´s last blog post..Fall Photo contest
by Sandra on October 28, 2008 at 2:30 pm. #
Uh, nope. I won’t get sick of you babbling on about this. Because quite frankly, it’s a relief to hear somebody babbling on about it in the first place. I need this. I need someone to say, hey, this is hard for me, so I’m gonna talk about it.
Because I don’t have anyone to talk about it with, and that makes it 10 times harder.
Oh, and this? “I’m done promising. But the good news is I’m not done hoping. ” Excellent!
Becky´s last blog post..Blah
by Becky on October 28, 2008 at 2:59 pm. #
I’m not sure what to say without sounding awkward or what, but I did want to chime in and say that I a. Think you look nice in the second picture. I recognize that it’s not where you want to be (both in looks and health) but you still look nice. I guess I’m saying don’t forget to love yourself, your body wherever you are. b. You have come so far already. I know that weight loss can have a lot of plateaus in it, are you possibly having one?
Then c. I wish I could magically say what to do to not spiral out of control. I can’t, because I honestly don’t know. For me when I get late night sugar cravings I usually eat an orange, because it satisfies that. I don’t know if that would help you, though.
And d. Feel free to talk about this all you want/need to. For one thing, if you need more support, you’re blog’s a good way to contact a larger group of supporters!
Thora´s last blog post..The Long Awaited Friberg Factor
by Thora on October 28, 2008 at 3:36 pm. #
You know. One of my favorite things about meeting friends in the blog world is that their picture of me is painted through my words, expressions of my heart, my insides only.
When I picture you in your home, at your laptop, helping me…I picture you just as you are – a beautiful brunette with a huge heart, so much wisdom and faith, and the amazing gifts of writing, loving, seeking, thinking, growing, giving…
We all have struggles and many people just don’t tell the truth about them. I’m thankful for how inspiring you are. Just as you are.
You are lovely :)
Heather of the EO´s last blog post..A Superhero from DeToilet and Other Good Stuff
by Heather of the EO on October 28, 2008 at 3:47 pm. #
It seems like everyone is going through difficult stuff right now. I love how you say you haven’t given up hope. That is what is most important! You can do it!
Erin´s last blog post..Picture Tag-a-rooni!
by Erin on October 28, 2008 at 4:06 pm. #
i reluctantly say this: if i didn’t have work to go to? i’m not sure i would have been as successful. being in the house is horrible on diets.
oh. and….i just started a four day eat-a-thon that i had to *throw* *cookies* *away* to end. stoooopid cookies. they didn’t even taste good, kim! *i* made them! horrible! but they had cherries in them!
anyway, i had a point, i’m sure, but the tiredness has kicked in and i just want to say i love you to bits you beautiful woman.
OOOOOH yes. there are schools of thought out there that say in order to be something, you have to already think you are that thing.
eg. part of my approach for weight loss was talking about myself as if i’d already achieved it. ie, “i am thin.” sounds kinda silly, but hey. i am thin(ish) now.
oh and now my latest post title is staring me in the face. shoulda really rethought that one…
g’night.
hollydolly´s last blog post..i am a great big sucker
by hollydolly on October 28, 2008 at 4:42 pm. #
don’t be so hard on yourself! you sound like a success story to me. I do know the feeling though. recently I gave away all the size four in my closet. I am currently wearing a size 14. i always forget that i have this extra weight until i see myself in a photo. time just snuck up on me after my four pregnancies. you can do it – i can do it – think thin!
beth ingoldsby´s last blog post..pizza hut salad
by beth ingoldsby on October 28, 2008 at 4:52 pm. #
You’re awesome, Kim, and so, so hard on yourself. I so could have written this post. I have 20 pounds I want to get rid of, and though I know exactly how to do it, somehow I have a very hard time feeling I’m worthy enough to actually do it. It doesn’t really matter the number, does it, when you just don’t feel like you want to feel. I think you’re beautiful, and I’m jealous that you’re 5’8 1/2″. Lucky duck.
Jenna Consolo´s last blog post..Halloween Saved Again
by Jenna Consolo on October 28, 2008 at 5:08 pm. #
Kim, I’m not just being nice but when I looked at your “fat” picture after reading your post I thought “She’s NOT fat!” You’re a tall, big, beautiful brunnette. But I’m sure you’ve discussed your ideal weight with your doctor and I hope that’s what you’re measuring your size against. I guess no matter what size we are we can still feel “fat” because of the unrealistic ideal image we measure ourselves against. I’m always telling my husband I need to exercise more because I’m fat. I feel fat. And I’m a size 4 :-( I’m barely 5′ tall, so I want to be pre-pregnancy size 2 because I think I look like the Pillsbury doughboy around the middle. My friends think I’m crazy, but the “feeling fat” part is real, not just making it up to fish for compliments. So maybe it starts with self-image and esteem before we hit the treadmill because maybe if we don’t fix the mind we’ll never see our body realistically and will never be happy with it? I don’t know. I’m not as smart as you. But keep working towards your goal and I will be on the cheer team rooting for you.
LittleGrumpyAngel´s last blog post..Better Late Than Never On The Shout Outs
by LittleGrumpyAngel on October 28, 2008 at 5:14 pm. #
~HUGS~
Summer´s last blog post..Basket of Indulgence
by Summer on October 28, 2008 at 5:30 pm. #
My weight won’t budge either. Not with working out or eating better and it IS frustrating.
But it’s not all of who I am. Being skinny won’t gussy up my life. And there is more to you than a number.
You are young and talented and healthy. It will happen, when you are ready.
Lisa Milton´s last blog post..in the spaces
by Lisa Milton on October 28, 2008 at 7:12 pm. #
this may seem off-topic, but what strikes me most about this post is how brave you are. transparent. things i aspire to be.
get up, dust yourself off, sweetie. take a deep breath. then keep slogging on.
you’re so incredibly worth it.
nic´s last blog post..softie doll tutorial
by nic on October 28, 2008 at 7:14 pm. #
I’m going to preface this by saying I am not in favor of current fashion trends where uberskinny is the ideal and anyone above a size zero is “fat.”
However, if you’re not comfortable, you do what you gotta do and I think it’s wonderful you’re trying to get healthy. Babble on all you want. That can really help.
VirtualSprite´s last blog post..tubing
by VirtualSprite on October 28, 2008 at 7:27 pm. #
I did that whole “eat until you wanna puke” for about 4/5 days a week ago. I needed to. I was so sick of constantly eating healthy and doing the right thing that I needed to screw up for awhile and remind myself how awful it truly feels.
By the end of the week I was an emotional & physical wreck.
Before weighing myself that morning I did as I always do on weigh-in day; I prayed that God would help me to be motivated no matter what the scale says and that He’d help me to resist every darn food temptation I’d be facing that week (it really doesn’t help you when your husband is a junkfood fiend!).
I then posed buck naked in front of my mirror picking out the parts of my body I enjoy & would like to improve. Important: Do NOT let any negative thoughts invade your mind! The only negative can be “I don’t like that part of me, BUT, if I do an extra 10 crunches a day, in a couple weeks that insecurity will turn into something I’m proud of”. Once I have those happy thoughts, I step on the scale. Unfortunately I gained 2lbs that week but in seeing how quickly that can happen, it motivated me to get my butt back into to gear. I’m happy to say that last week I lost that awful 2lbs. :D
Keep this in mind (this is my personal quote); It is the choices of the present that decides the future of our past regrets.
It came to me years ago and has played over and over again in my head so many times. I hope it helps you as it has me. :)
Truth be told, you’ll do it when you’re truly ready. You’re just not there yet and that’s ok. But once you get there the world better watch out! If you’re this interesting and fun as a so-called “fat” woman, then you must be mind-blowing when you’re feeling confindent!
Best of luck to you, hun. I know you can do it (heck, you have once already!) and you’ll do it yet again…one final time. :) *muah*
by Crystal on October 28, 2008 at 7:55 pm. #
omg…that was almost long enough to be a blog of its own! lol Sorry!
by Crystal on October 28, 2008 at 7:56 pm. #
There is a reason I don’t post pics of myself on my blog unless they are older pics (although my current one is only a few months old, but it was a fluke pic that doesn’t show my double chin as much).
Heffalump´s last blog post..Monday Memory: Childhood Smiles
by Heffalump on October 28, 2008 at 8:44 pm. #
Why, on why does it have to be so hard?
You have some really wonderful comments here, Kim. I love that EVERYONE can relate to this on somelevel.
Lisa´s last blog post..Stuff I Was Going to Post on My Birthday but am Posting the Day After Instead
by Lisa on October 28, 2008 at 11:25 pm. #
I can’t wait for heaven where weight ain’t the issue. It is such a heavy burden to carry on one’s mind. No pun intended. I just wish it would all go away magically. I still think you look fab. I can’t see it like you see yourself. But I really understand the whole thinking thing.
Jan´s last blog post..Happy Birthday Rylie
by Jan on October 29, 2008 at 7:01 am. #
One thing I have learned in my six months of blogging is that it is counter productive to fat busting–though you hardly look 189 pounds in even the “fat” picture! Anywho, I gave you a blog award back when you were on vacation and not reading blogs and I daresay you have better things to do then catch up on all the blogs you missed not to mention passing out the award I gave you to other bloggers, but I just thought I would let you know. I hope you are feeling better.
Heidi Ashworth´s last blog post..An Amusing Anecdotal Look at Stranger Danger
by Heidi Ashworth on October 29, 2008 at 8:20 am. #
i haven’t been by in eons–i am so pathetically behind in my bloggy reads lately. but i’m so glad when i stopped by this was your post. because i can relate. and right now, i’m kind of in a state of shut-my-eyes-and-pretend-that-my-clothes-aren’t-too-tight. ugh.
i am so with you. i have lost lots of weight before. and i have to work so hard for every stinking pound. sometimes it feels like it’s not worth it. sometimes i feel like i’m perpetually going to hover around 200 pounds so why do i try so hard? but giving up means gaining weight. so i need a big wake up call as i enter my favorite season and my worst food season. i need to be mindful. i need to have goals. i need to fit into my clothes! so keep blogging about it! i’ll be reading.
michal´s last blog post..Photo Tag
by michal on October 29, 2008 at 8:20 am. #
I’m here listening!
Tirzah´s last blog post..Tinker Bell
by Tirzah on October 29, 2008 at 8:20 am. #
mea culpa! You’ve been busy! How do you do it all?
Heidi Ashworth´s last blog post..An Amusing Anecdotal Look at Stranger Danger
by Heidi Ashworth on October 29, 2008 at 8:31 am. #
Hey hon, sorry I haven’t been around much, too busy drowning my misery in food :) Seriously, this post was a good one for me. I’m a total emotional eater and my weight swings one way and then the other, so much so that I have like 3 different wardrobes to accommodate my emotional states!!
And then I’m going to just go ahead and say that since I’ve actually met you in real life, I think I have some authority when I say “You are NOT fat!!!” I know no amount of someone telling you that will change anything if you are not happy with yourself, but know that I think you are beautiful. It’s good to want to improve and get healthy, just don’t get so down on yourself that you become obsessed by it. You are one of the sweetest most amazing women I have the privilege to call friend and an extra 5 pounds won’t ever change that!
ERin´s last blog post..Memories of Target
by ERin on October 29, 2008 at 11:14 am. #
And I’m not sure what’s up with the whole “ERin” thing going on up there, but I apparently had typed that once and it saved it, lol. Hopefully it’s all better now.
Erin´s last blog post..Memories of Target
by Erin on October 29, 2008 at 11:15 am. #
Sweetness. I’m in a very similar boat and not very happy about it. The shock when I look in the mirror is a little much, I must confess. You’re not alone, and I’m impressed with your courage.
Novembrance´s last blog post..Contest Results
by Novembrance on October 29, 2008 at 12:18 pm. #
You are such a radiant woman!! think about how much has changed in your life since you really started making an effort to be healthy! where were you 2 years ago? where are you now? The truth is that even though you may not be at the weight you idealize for yourself you have made many changes for the better. Changes that are reflected in the mirror and in the eyes of your children (who think you are a beautiful princess, remember!) not to mention the re-balancing that is going on in that department.
you are on the right path Kim!! Don’t stop walking! (speaking of which, if you want a walking buddie…maybe eventually a running buddy, I am soooo game!)
Jenn´s last blog post..~my Libra boys~
by Jenn on October 29, 2008 at 1:36 pm. #
Oh girl, I know so much how you feel. It’s my eternal struggle. I will be here to struggle with you.
by Tonya on October 29, 2008 at 8:29 pm. #
Note to Kim … you might have a few pounds to lose (so do I), but you are not fat!
Now, let’s get through this holiday season together :) !!
An Ordinary Mom´s last blog post..Vote November 4th
by An Ordinary Mom on November 4, 2008 at 3:14 pm. #
Funny how perceptions are. I’d love to be you as you are now!
I so feel you in this post. Could have written it myself. I read a book that has completely changed my mind about nutrition, and have committed to following the principles as much as I can.
I did that about 3 weeks ago and have only lost 3 lbs or so, and keep going up and down. That’s why I wrote my last post. The thing is, is that I overall feel much better because I know from certain things that my body has much healing to do. I also have learned that stress plays a huge part in my not losing weight on a diet that would have nearly anyone else dropping pounds.
I have learned that consuming high amounts of good nutrients is a deterrent to sugar. Sugar, for me, is evil. I managed to get through Halloween without any. I used raisins, cashews and carob all ground up together instead of raiding the full grocery bag of candy my kids got.
All that and I dropped 3 pounds only after James helped me get our trashed living room clean. Once that was done I wasn’t terrified of someone ringing the doorbell, and the next morning I was down several pounds. Concidence? Maybe. But it’s happened before. James was the one this time who suggested it, which blew me away.
I hate always feeling like I don’t deserve my space on earth, that I’m not worthy to be a real person because I’ve gotten so fat. Other people don’t know it, I hide that pretty well. And I like a lot of me, just not the fat part.
Ok, I’ve written a total book here, but I want you to know that I love you and so know what you’re going through because I am too. I hate feeling so uncomfortable in my own skin.
At least now I feel like by getting so many nutrients my cravings for bad foods are diminished and I have a chance. Now I have to stop getting so entirely stressed out.
Signing off for now, I miss you and want you to know that even though I’m MIA a lot, I think of you often and am glad I can call you my friend.
Rebecca´s last blog post..My Nemesis.
by Rebecca on November 6, 2008 at 3:08 pm. #
::hugs:: You can totally do it! I’m bad with the discipline too. I have probably 15-20 lbs to drop, I just don’t do it. I keep meaning to work on that, but sometimes it just seems so hard. I’m looking into joining Curves, my mom loves it, and it’s SOOOOO easy. Good luck! I know you can do it.
Jaina´s last blog post..Of Deserts and Dirt Bikes
by Jaina on November 6, 2008 at 4:48 pm. #