The Angry Parent Revealed « Temporary? Insanity

The Angry Parent Revealed

by Kym on October 21, 2008

It’s a chill sort of morning and I am smiling. Smiling over having been allowed to sleep through the night. Over a smaller number on the scale than yesterday’s indulgences (lemon meringue pie – oh my) should have earned me. Over the sight of the valley I see from my windows here. Our valley, I think of it now. The evergreens and birches alike are flickered with frost, the thick bracken and dried out grasses below also slicked with sweet whiteness. Enough leaves have fallen that I can spy through to the wetlands at the base of the slope our house sits atop.

I sit here in quiet contemplation of the day.

Until my smile slips, knocked askew by a sudden memory. Yesterday, Emma told her daddy that I hit her. And I was not concerned as to why she would tell such a lie. I did not sit down and quietly discuss with her why she should say such a thing. No. I became angry.

Enraged.

Emma had woken up sick that morning, panicked in the extreme over the feeling of “yuckies in my nose!” I had calmed her. Cuddled her. Given up precious morning sleep for her sake. I spent the morning soothing her and reading her stories. Playing quiet games so that my bouncy four year old could have some rest.

There have been angry days here where I have shouted too much. Criticized too much. Been too quick to snap and yell instead of demonstrating my love for my children through patience. Oh yes. There have been angry days where such an accusation would have been, not true, but somewhat understandable. Perhaps, so much to my shame, there have been days where she has seen in my eyes that I might like to. Might like to force her obedience in such a brutal way.

But I never have. Hope I never will (hope, not know, and that scares me).

And yet Emma, my willful, stubborn child, told her daddy that I hit her. And I said through gritted teeth, “Emma. You do not lie to your daddy! That is not being a good girl!” Words failed me and I stomped off, attempting to battle the rage. Failing. Slamming dishes around in the sink.

Now, in the quietude of a chill morning, I listen bemusedly as Neil calls Emma in hushed tones, pointing out the window at a deer reposing in the tall grasses at the top of the hill. She decides the deer should have a name. “Maybe Daisy. Or Sparkly! That’s a good name!” Her and Neil share quiet giggles while I type.

And I think perhaps that this is why I am angry. To not be a part of that. To realize that I am the angry one. The one who loses temper and yells. The parent to be feared. No amount of cuddling and story time can make up for that if I don’t stop.

Yesterday, as I scolded my child for lying (and now realize, there was no love in my voice as I did so), I saw her flinch. I realize now that I did hit her, in a way. That too often, I do. Perhaps my hands are not involved. Perhaps there is no smack of contact with flesh. But my child has learned to fear me.

I don’t ever want to see her flinch like that again.

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33 comments

I don’t know what to say. It seems I say “I totally get you” far too often to be believed. But I do. same thing here at the house of EO. Mommy, the quick to snap! Daddy the fun-loving gentle guy.
I struggle with how quick I am to turn to anger and wish I could shut it off. Re-training your brain is hard work.
But we can get there.
Peace to you.

Heather of the EO´s last blog post..They Have Hair and Teeth!

by Heather of the EO on October 21, 2008 at 7:25 am. #

I think we all have done those air smacks that hit the heart and soul. I remember asking my mother of her regrets in life. She simply said- I criticized way to much. I wish I could take that back.

I never forgot that. I have done that too often to my boys. I regret that too. My husband is a Neil too. I have learned from him. But just don’t beat yourself up now. Just learn and live well.

Jan´s last blog post..Leather pants or do the right thing?

by Jan on October 21, 2008 at 7:46 am. #

Geez, this smacked me right upside the head. I’m so disgusted with myself for not learning this lesson yet. You’d think I was the infant in the household. I hate being someone that can’t control herself. Not can’t. Won’t. Won’t take the time to re-learn how to be patient.

No one ever tells you about this part of being a mom…

Becky´s last blog post..To be or not to be… rude?

by Becky on October 21, 2008 at 7:50 am. #

It was so right of you to write this post. See how many of us identify with you? We need to speak these things, to bring the boggarts out of hiding. Help each other heal, change, gain perspective.

I remember when my oldest kids were a little younger, we were role playing the Winnie-the-Pooh stories. My husband was, of course, cast as Winnie. Me? I was Rabbit. Angry, rude, condescending Rabbit. I will always remember that, and I think I’ve tried hard to re-cast myself in my children’s eyes. It’s always a work in progress, though.

stacey @ tree, root, and twig´s last blog post..“Volunteer” Does Not Equal “Glutton for Punishment”

by stacey @ tree, root, and twig on October 21, 2008 at 8:09 am. #

I’m not advocating the flinch or feeling left out of the fun or holding on to your anger – which always makes me think LarryBoy for some reason – but she should be held accountable for lying about something like that.

I have a good relationship with my kids and they hate being in trouble with Greg – more than with me – but the fact remains that mothers tend to be the ones playing bad cop.

I guess all I am saying is this: Maybe you didn’t handle it perfectly, but feeling angry? Correcting her? Seems right to me.

Lisa Milton´s last blog post..jenny O and a few simple words

by Lisa Milton on October 21, 2008 at 9:00 am. #

What a timely post for me. Usually I feel pretty patient with my girls, but today I was trying to upload a bunch of photos, and the Internet kept flickering on and off, so it failed and failed and failed (for over an hour), and Lydia was climbing all over me, and I was already very frustrated. Finally she wandered off, and I decided to just get off and get lunch for us al, when I realized that she had gone into the room where Elisheva was sleeping, and woken her up. I stomped into the room, deposited Lydia in it, and told her (yelled at her?) that she was in big trouble and had to stay in her room and slammed the door, leaving her inside (after taking Elisheva out).

I came back to the living room and sat down, but I felt bad because although I hadn’t wanted Lydia to wake up Elisheva, she hadn’t done so maliciously (Elisheva usually naps in the other bedroom, not in Lydia’s room), and I knew that I had mostly yelled at her because I was frustrated for other reasons.

Anyway, the more I thought about it, the more I realized how hard it was for me to want to go and apologize for simply being wrong. I finally did, and we all felt better all around.

I know this isn’t exactly what you were writing about, but this was good for me to remember that I’m not the only one that struggles with always being loving and kind to my children, even when I love them so. That and I, like you, can always be better from this point out.

Thora´s last blog post..Aren’t I cute?

by Thora on October 21, 2008 at 9:10 am. #

I’m with Lisa on this one… Children need to be held accountable for their actions, and getting away with lying? Not acceptable. She’s not old enough to turn a harsh word into a metaphor for hitting.

And for the record? If Neil was the one who stayed home with them all day long, and you were the one at work all day long? You would be the good guy and he would be the bad guy. It’s the way these things work – the parent who is the primary caregiver is always the one responsible for the majority of the discipline, and therefore gets stuck with ‘bad cop’.

Jo´s last blog post..The Princess Diaries

by Jo on October 21, 2008 at 9:39 am. #

(((Hugs Kim))) It’s hard. This self reflection and contemplation. I’m not a yeller. I’m usually the more patient one. But these moments happen to me as well. Where I see in my daughter’s eyes the injustice she feels at the consequences I dole out. And it hurts to see her run straight to daddy when he gets home with squeals of love and delight. But what your other commenters have said is true, it’s a bit of good cop, bad cop. And it stings.

Deconstructing Jen´s last blog post..what’s in a name?

by Deconstructing Jen on October 21, 2008 at 10:09 am. #

::hugs:: little bit each day. You can reverse it all. I know you can.

Jaina´s last blog post..Weekend Getaway

by Jaina on October 21, 2008 at 10:14 am. #

Ugg. I know all too well how you feel. My kids start laughing as I start getting angrier (I’m sure it’s a defense mechanism). I have to try my hardest to calm down, because otherwise they start laughing hysterically and I am furious! We all try to do our best, don’t we?

Erin´s last blog post..A Little Girl and Her Dog

by Erin on October 21, 2008 at 10:35 am. #

*HUGS* The only way you can overcome this is through humbly praying to the Lord to take this away from you. To actively use the Atonement to make yourself (with His help) a new person.
I know, not because these are the standard “Church” answers . . . but because I used to be a hitting mom.
It works . . . and I’m a completely different person now.
*HUGS*
love you

Kate´s last blog post..This and That (and OH! some of the other thing too!)

by Kate on October 21, 2008 at 10:42 am. #

Wow, did this hit home. (Pun intended.) My husband is forever-patient, never angry … I’m the one that freaks out into some split personality Ms. Hyde. I think I’ve done a pretty good job at changing, but I’m not perfect. Mostly, I just pray that my children will turn out okay despite having a human mom.

My son, as well, has told MORE THAN ONE PERSON that I hit him – an outright lie. He’s also four – is this a common symptom?

Of course, he’s also told people that his daddy uses his Bishoply Priesthood Powers to kill disobedient Lamanites. Maybe I shouldn’t be too worried.

Rebecca – That Girl from Brazil´s last blog post..I have officially arrived

by Rebecca - That Girl from Brazil on October 21, 2008 at 10:58 am. #

Gosh the motherhood thing is hard!! We do spanking (it has been effective with our kids on occasion– we don’t do it often) but I’ve only felt bad about that once or twice when I was more angry than I should have been while giving the punishment. Mostly I feel terrible when I react in anger and yell at my kids. Yelling isn’t a punishment, meant to help teach a lesson, it’s a way of treating people. A bad way. I hope to overcome this. (I know it sounds simplistic but I always do MUCH better temper wise when I’ve been doing personal scripture and prayer sincerely and regularly. It’s like medicine or something)

Lisa´s last blog post..What Brings You To These Parts?

by Lisa on October 21, 2008 at 11:29 am. #

The times I am most ashamed of myself are when I’m glad to see my easygoing husband lose his temper with the kids because it makes me feel less crazy and kind of vindicated and not so bad of a parent. But feeling glad about that actually makes me a worse parent.

Melanie J´s last blog post..An Adventure, In Which I Save Us All From Getting Blowed Up

by Melanie J on October 21, 2008 at 11:29 am. #

Do you know what? I think that’s called being a parent. Parenting is HARD. I bet you’re doing a much better job at being a mom than you give yourself credit for.

Keetha´s last blog post..You’re My Blue Sky You’re My Sunny Day

by Keetha on October 21, 2008 at 11:50 am. #

Our Little Guy had a huge tantrum yesterday and ended up kicking The Spouse in a delicate spot–by accident, but still. Both Mom and Dad got pretty angry over the whole incident (boys fighting, hitting each other–scary when one weighs 40 pounds and the other 260) and it was right before dinner which is the witching hour around here. Anyway, nobody hit the Little Guy but he did say that he was terrified of both of us for a time. It is hard and sad and isn’t fair but, I have to say, better you and I then a teacher, a principal, a truant officer, a police officer, a parole officer, . . .we are the ones who are to teach them right from wrong and if sometimes it gets nasty, well, it’s better than the world teaching them. Thank goodness we also do things like make them lemon meringue pie which means we win, in the end.

Heidi Ashworth´s last blog post..Here’s To A Haunting Halloween

by Heidi Ashworth on October 21, 2008 at 12:47 pm. #

Where to begin without leaving you a novel? I guess just with ‘I understand’. When Sierra came I was…less than nice. I was the yeller, the screamer, the irrational one. I lost my temper and I made her & her sister cry. A lot.

You’re right. If you feel like a line has been crossed then the best thing to do is to step back over it and regain control. It’s not easy to do it ALL the time. Being a mommy is hard and it’s rough when Dad gets to do the fun precious moments.

There were a few months when Sierra was still mostly a baby that I literally posted notes all over my house “do not yell!”. It was rough but for the most part I’ve overcome the yelling. I’m not perfect and you should’t expect yourself to be either. Emma will be ok. Just make sure to balance out the yelling with the cuddling and eventually there will be more cuddling/good stuff than yelling.
You’re a good mom and just the fact that you wrote it on here, shows you want to be even better.
*hugs*

Shanna´s last blog post..Enjoy the Silence

by Shanna on October 21, 2008 at 12:53 pm. #

Well, I like both Daisy AND Sparkly, though I am kinda partial to Sparkly. Just sayin’.

My husband and I have had many talks over the years about why I have to be the serious parent and he gets to be the fun parent. Not like it’s set in stone, but those are definitely our rolls.
Yeah, I need to be more loving and probably more fun, and he needs to be more strict and less of a pushover. But we’re both working on it. I don’t know that it’ll ever be the way I want it, though.

JustRandi´s last blog post..When’s the Blogging Time?

by JustRandi on October 21, 2008 at 1:34 pm. #

I would like to be the “fun” parent. The one who is always laughing. Always playing. Always making up stories and being silly. But I can’t. I realize that I don’t need to be mean. I don’t need to “break” my child’s will, but I do need to be steady. There has to be structure and that involves some discipline. It’s a fine line to walk… if you figure out how to do it, let me know!

Melissa´s last blog post..

by Melissa on October 21, 2008 at 3:15 pm. #

I always am amazed that my mother never yelled. Oh, I remember her yelling lots when I was little, but then one day, she woke up and told herself, “Never Again.” And she hasn’t. AMAZING!
I tell myself that, and then I walk into the room I’ve just cleaned and something inside me snaps. I’m insta-angry.
I count to ten, forwards and back I try to think of silly things to do to entertain myself away from these bursts of rage.
Sometimes, I blame it on my heritage, the redblood that pounds through my veins.
Even when I know firsthand that the way through Kai’s stubbroness is through patience and understanding, I still, at the end of the day SNAP. I lose my cool, and it sucks.
Because not only do I lose my cool,
I lose my son.
He lets his anger override his feelings of control, and together, we stand, hands clenched while this putrid feeling freezes all other emotion.
It sucks.
That feeling.
But, I’ve also learned that habits can’t be erased… you need to replace them with another habit.
I’m going to try to replace my snappy, “bitchy” self, (for lack of better words) with love.
Thanks Emma.

Abra´s last blog post..HALLOWEEN IS COMING

by Abra on October 21, 2008 at 3:17 pm. #

Ack, this post goes like a knife straight through my heart. I wish I had read this before I yelled at and scared my son. I apologized to him right away, but I know that doesn’t make it better right away.

I am sick and feeling such remorse. It’s so hard when you feel such rage. I really need to pray for more help with my temper.

Rebecca´s last blog post..Today Before 11 am

by Rebecca on October 21, 2008 at 6:27 pm. #

Hi Kim,

I really like the way you express yourself. As my daughter Abra says, I did just decide not to yell one day. I had a good friend in California who did not ever raise her voice to her six children. She was ALWAYS so kind. I asked her how she did it, and she said it was one day at a time. So you don’t wake up and say, I will never yell at my children again. You just say today I will not yell. And the next day you do the same. And the next day. And the next day. And one day you realize that you can’t remember when you yelled the last time. But you still just make that daily decision, until years and years go by, and you have forgotten how to be a yeller. You can do anything for one day; it is completely changing yourself that is hard. But all the “one days” add up, until you really have changed yourself. And it’s so important–kids grow up so fast! Too fast. Sigh.

by myrna on October 21, 2008 at 6:39 pm. #

I don’t think you should be so hard on yourself. We all have that parent ideal we try to live up to, and while we do a great job in some areas, there are others we have to work at. And yes, there are times it is appropriate to show your children that they have done something unacceptable, and sometimes that is done by showing them anger. Even most parenting books agree that it’s healthy for a child to see her parent deal with anger.

To me is sounds like she required correcting, but you punished yourself instead. Maybe she flinched because she knew she did something bad? Guilt always ups the flinch reflex. I also want to say that any child whose mother would spend the kind of energy on them while they’re sick knows she is loved. You are a good mom. Don’t be so quick to doubt that, and don’t let your doubts cause you to exclude yourself from the love of others. They probably wished you were part of the deer naming moment as much as you did.

Jen´s last blog post..Help Me! I’m Drowning In Indecision!

by Jen on October 21, 2008 at 8:47 pm. #

we have all been in this place before. the careless words that we wish we could take back, the guilty feelings of not spending enough time or being enough for those we love. remember we are here to learn and grow so don’t beat yourself up, learn, and grow. it sounds to me that you are a great mom. how many moms spend the day entertaining and comforting a sick child? so many would pop in a video.

beth ingoldsby´s last blog post..someone hearts me

by beth ingoldsby on October 22, 2008 at 2:34 am. #

Sadly motherhood seems to be more about the discipline and less about the magical moments. I doubt it would help if I told you I shout more than I would like – but I am working on it too, as are many mums I know.
But I think you were totally right to call her on the lie. We have a responsibility to teach them that their actions have consequences and right from wrong.

Tracy´s last blog post..I’d like to think I’d spend the money in better ways

by Tracy on October 22, 2008 at 5:21 am. #

I’m sorry Kim. I’m the uptight one too. Bit I have gotten better. You will too.

Summer´s last blog post..Of Politics and Driving

by Summer on October 22, 2008 at 1:42 pm. #

Oh, Kim, nobody does Honest Introspection better than you. I LOVE your last paragraph, where you point out the violence of verbal assault. So wise. And a perspective that can help us all rise above.

charrette´s last blog post..O Pioneer…I’m such a wimp!

by charrette on October 22, 2008 at 6:21 pm. #

That was a briliant post babe. And I, like everyone above really get this. I tend to be the calmer out of Mr B and I, but when I yell it is bad and I feel so awful. I think Jo is right, Emma is too young to see your anger as violence, it’s more maybe that she knew she had been naughty and felt bad.

I wish I shouted less than I do as Mr B is a bit of a shouter so I need to be the balance even more, but sometimes I don’t get it right. I keep trying though so I will get there. Hugs to you my lovely lovely friend.

Jo Beaufoix´s last blog post..Whingey Post Alert

by Jo Beaufoix on October 23, 2008 at 4:46 am. #

I am sorry I missed this. Your hurt, and sadness is apparent, and I do hope that with time you find a way to be exactly the parent you strive to be. You are so hard on yourself, and in a way, that is okay, but only if you can make something good of it.

Corey~ living and loving´s last blog post..Home….Where I Make a Difference

by Corey~ living and loving on October 23, 2008 at 2:44 pm. #

My son had to write a family tree for school. He introduced each of us on a page with a drawing and told something about us. For his Dad he said, “My Dad’s name is _____. My Dad likes to work. I love my Dad.” Then came my page. “My Mom’s name is _____. She likes to spank us and cook.”
I laughed out loud when I read it, then I felt a bit sick. Spankings are rare around here, and this son is Autistic and holds on to some things. Yes, I have spanked my kids during their lives, but it doesn’t happen very often at all, and it becomes more and more rare as time goes by. It bothers me that he has held onto that, but all I can do is my best, and try to see the humor in some things.

Heffalump´s last blog post..Shoe Shopping…

by Heffalump on October 23, 2008 at 4:11 pm. #