Writing
by Kym on October 16, 2008
I’m writing again. The for real kind with pages and chapters and whatnot. It sets my head to spinning, witnessing my own audacity like this. There is a voice in my head which tells me that I am a fool. That I’m as egotistical as I jokingly pretend to be, blind to my ineptitude, climbing to heights I’m predestined to fall from.
It is not a nice voice.
I catch myself having the oddest thoughts. Thoughts imbued with hope. The vivid mental picture of a future book cover. A computer screen with my Amazon listing. My first photo shoot. Book signing. Happy dance over the completion of a manuscript. The glow of pride in my husband’s eyes as he finally learns that I haven’t been dithering about wasting time but rather, creating. The thrill of creation. I can picture everything. In detail.
But I am a million times a coward. I am afraid to dream. Afraid to hope. Afraid to try. Afraid to admit how much it all matters. That this is no passing fancy, but a passion I’ve forced into dormancy. My seven year old self dreamed of writing. My teenage self had a perpetual bump on the finger she held her pen against. Ink smudges along the edge of her hand.
I test the waters often now. Not yet determined, but determining. In the process of. Someone asks what I do and I say I am a mother and a homemaker. I toss in at the end, “Oh, and I write.” This always results in surprise on the part of the questioner. Often further questions come which I answer haltingly. Determining. Still determining.
How badly do I want this? Enough to fail? Enough to be laughed at, patronized, dismissed. Rejected.
I wonder, should I be grateful for that nasty litle voice whispering away to me? What can anyone else say that could compare to it? What better preparation for the great leap than this, this constant sneering?
No rejection letter will ever quite compare.
39 comments
You go, girl. I think you’ve nailed it–you need to want it that bad: enough to fail and be sneered at and all the rest.
Your inner critic can be a good thing, but it can also be paralyzing. You gotta learn to control it, or it’ll control you. But I’m not overly worried about you–you’ll find a way, and when you do, you’ll create something truly great!
(CommentLuv keeps showing an old post . . . ah, well.)
Annette´s last blog post..I Heart Finland
by Annette on October 16, 2008 at 8:08 pm. #
Good luck with writing. Dreaming gives reason for life. Otherwise sometimes it just feels like the same dribble every day. Keep dreaming, and allow yourself to see that possible future. If I don’t in my life, sometimes I don’t have the strength to try.
I can’t wait to read updates!!!
Sarah´s last blog post..Poverty on the Streets
by Sarah on October 16, 2008 at 8:58 pm. #
You need to read “The Last Lecture” by Randy Pausch. Or at least go to his site, http://www.thelastlecture.com
He talks about the importance of living your childhood dreams . . . perhaps his words will give you the courage to write your own!
*HUGS* from someone who believes you can do all things!
Kate´s last blog post..Telling Our Families
by Kate on October 16, 2008 at 10:09 pm. #
Amen, sister. I felt every word you wrote. Except that I didn’t write enough as a teenager. I was too afraid for that, even though my very picky sister liked it because it made her “think”.
That Amazon listing is such a beautiful, but seemingly unreachable dream. For me.
But for you? You’ll get there, my dear. Lock that inner critic up in a closet for a while and feed it on bread and water. Eventually it should promise to let you have at least an hour every day of uninterrupted, free-flowing writing time.
Rebecca´s last blog post..What Was That Again?
by Rebecca on October 16, 2008 at 10:30 pm. #
I mean that my picky sister liked the poetry I wrote. Now my comment makes more sense.
Rebecca´s last blog post..What Was That Again?
by Rebecca on October 16, 2008 at 10:31 pm. #
I had that bump on the top knuckle of my middle finger, too!! But I think it was more because I push my pen really hard when I write. But I was always writing, too.
Don’t be afraid!! Remember about the lightbulb. EVERYONE is glad we have lightbulbs. And everyone will be glad when you’re published, but don’t be discouraged if you have to try, try again! I don’t think you will, though!
Lisa´s last blog post..I Kept Myself From Going Into a Sugar Coma Last Week
by Lisa on October 16, 2008 at 11:26 pm. #
Can I just say I know how you feel?
Sometimes I want to just give up. Rejection after rejection comes and every now and then, a glimmer of hope. I don’t know if it’s the small glimmers that keep me going or just my stubborn nature.
Either way, I keep going.
You’ve got to keep going.
Chick´s last blog post..I am SO thirty-three!
by Chick on October 17, 2008 at 3:00 am. #
Fully accepting that we are our worst critic is an important step. Once we realize that, we know that no one else can hurt us nearly as bad as we can hurt ourselves. Remember that failing is not a bad thing, we all fail on a regular basis, it’s why we keep moving forward, to overcome that failure. Give yourself permission to be a failure, to do badly, to disappoint yourself, and you’ll find that once you face it, you’ve pulled in a little more determination to try harder than you did with that attempt. Good luck.
by Josi on October 17, 2008 at 5:00 am. #
for every person that hates it, there will be someone who loves it. write away.
MomBabe´s last blog post..The Name Game
by MomBabe on October 17, 2008 at 5:28 am. #
Keep going!
Summer´s last blog post..Favorite Links Friday – Special Edition
by Summer on October 17, 2008 at 5:30 am. #
I am anxiously awaiting the finished result!
Mindy´s last blog post..Two more days…
by Mindy on October 17, 2008 at 6:00 am. #
Don’t you dare give up your dream. When those voices come telling you that you’re crazy to try, just remind them of all the times they told people like Thomas Edison that he was wrong…..but the voices turned out to be wrong and Edison turned out to be a genius. I love your guts and your determination to write and to write well. I’ve heard some writers say that their words and voice finally came together when they were in their late 30′s and 40′s. The fact that you are starting now just means that by the time you get to that stage, your brilliance will shine through. Trust me on this. Don’t give up. The world needs to hear your voice through your pen. =)
by Inkling on October 17, 2008 at 6:31 am. #
You’re right! When it’s something you want bad enough, you’ll brave the storms that others throw your way. I know you can do this! You are a creative gal :) Keep trying!!
Melissa´s last blog post..
by Melissa on October 17, 2008 at 6:34 am. #
You need me to tell that nasty little voice where to go, sister? Cuz it sounds like it’s a big stinkin’ liar!
You’re fabulous, you’re smart, and doggone it, I like you.
Becky´s last blog post..Hugh, to-do lists, and great gift ideas – all in one post!
by Becky on October 17, 2008 at 7:21 am. #
Just do it. Who cares how it turns out if writing makes you happy? Besides, it will no doubt be fabulous. And you should look in the mirror and tell yourself it will be several times a day – or whenever that lying little voice tries to sow the seeds of self-doubt. You’ll show him!
Jen´s last blog post..Confessions of a Non-Crafter
by Jen on October 17, 2008 at 8:00 am. #
The thrill of creation. That’s what it’s all about. I think certain people are just meant to write. You’re one of them.
Melanie J´s last blog post..Ish and Meh
by Melanie J on October 17, 2008 at 8:04 am. #
Very precious few people get the writing thing. What? I haven’t heard of you. You’re not Stevena King? It’s poo-pooed.
So, I write and I’m careful who I share my dream with.
(Have you read Making a Literary Life, by Carolyn See? Mrs. G suggested it to me and I enjoyed it.)
Lisa Milton´s last blog post..fear
by Lisa Milton on October 17, 2008 at 8:06 am. #
that’s how i feel about my art.
but don’t give up. keep going. you won’t regret it. i know you can do it!
cornnut32´s last blog post..three thumbs way, way up!
by cornnut32 on October 17, 2008 at 9:31 am. #
Hey, at least you are doing it. Writing was the very first dream I had in life. I have wanted to be a writer since the first grade…but I am not brave enough to even try.
Heffalump´s last blog post..Holiday Tip or Dare #3
by Heffalump on October 17, 2008 at 9:39 am. #
What Melanie J said. I hate it that she keeps stealing my comments. :)
Heather of the EO´s last blog post..This Post is Brought to You by the Letter J
by Heather of the EO on October 17, 2008 at 10:10 am. #
I felt every word that you wrote. Wow.
by Sam on October 17, 2008 at 10:29 am. #
I read something profound once about rejection letters, but I can’t remember what it was. :) Something about how a rejection letter symbolizes that you actually wrote a book, actually sent it out there into the world. I’d be impressed with a rejection letter. Dang – I wish I could find that quote.
Jennie C.´s last blog post..Auction Open: Finally
by Jennie C. on October 17, 2008 at 1:08 pm. #
Well, I know you WILL write something that I WILL be ordering off of Amazon (even if it’s not my genre, ’cause heck, YOU wrote it!) You are talented; you are determined. The only question is when!
But I do know that negative voice in the back of the head thing — so much worse than anything else anybody could throw at you. I deal with it daily. Good for you for trying in spite of all that.
by Beth on October 17, 2008 at 1:27 pm. #
I think you’re amazing for even considering engaging in the process! And I agree with jennie c. Rejection letters just mean you actually did something!!
JustRandi´s last blog post..Friday Flair -Election Edition
by JustRandi on October 17, 2008 at 1:53 pm. #
Yes you are right. You have to want it. I think you are awesome for trying, because really when it comes down to it that’s all you can do – and it’s the hardest part.
by Deconstructing Jen on October 17, 2008 at 2:16 pm. #
Well, I can tell just by this post that you are an excellent writer. Now all you need are a plot and characters, and you will have an excellent book! I look forward to hearing about it.
Erin´s last blog post..Six Kooky Things About Me According to My Husband
by Erin on October 17, 2008 at 2:42 pm. #
I feel confident in saying that you my dear are a wife, a mother, a daughter, a friend and most certainly a writer. Ignore the little voice and dare to dream. I have faith in you.
by Tonya on October 17, 2008 at 3:38 pm. #
I have no doubt that you will write something wonderful and I think it’s wonderful that you’re doing it. It’s hard, but in the end it’s worth it.
VirtualSprite´s last blog post..one way or another
by VirtualSprite on October 17, 2008 at 4:03 pm. #
YAY! I’m glad you’re writing… again… although, you write like almost every day, you didn’t really stop… I think you could probably put your blog into a book, and it would be really cool, oh wait… you did that…
Why are you still reading this?
Shouldn’t you be writing?
See.
I can help push you along
And yet, you can’t help it…
You’re still reading this
Aren’t you.
Go
Now
Write
Please.
I SAID NOW!
Abra´s last blog post..I AM THE QUEEN OF GROUNDING
by Abra on October 17, 2008 at 6:05 pm. #
I could ground you – y’know….
Abra´s last blog post..I AM THE QUEEN OF GROUNDING
by Abra on October 17, 2008 at 7:13 pm. #
keep chasing this dream!
LeeGro´s last blog post..me a bully?
by LeeGro on October 18, 2008 at 8:02 am. #
Just keep writing. Your blog is great. That should give you an idea of the kind of writer you are.
Karlene´s last blog post..10 Things You Can’t Do When You Work for Someone Else
by Karlene on October 18, 2008 at 3:37 pm. #
I have that voice, too. I’m constantly trying to convince it that what matters is the *process* not the *product.* And so I keep writing…
wrongshoes´s last blog post..Dancing with sharks
by wrongshoes on October 19, 2008 at 2:05 pm. #
I don’t remember who said it, but I read and believe that the greatest failure is the failure to try. You are an incredibly gifted writer. You have the ability to draw the likes of me into your world and your thoughts through words, and help us explore places in our hearts. What a waste it would be not to share this gift because you fear failure when failure is NOT possible in face of such incredible talent. Please keep going. I’m a big fan.
Marivic (GrumpyAngel)´s last blog post..Halloween Through The Years
by Marivic (GrumpyAngel) on October 19, 2008 at 6:42 pm. #
I honestly just don’t think you know how great you are. It always amazes me that those with the most talent are those who are most afraid of having it rejected. I think in some way it must mean more to you. Kind of like having someone make fun of your religion, ya know? When something’s so precious to you it hurts to even THINK about others not liking it.
by Anonymous on October 19, 2008 at 8:06 pm. #
Umm, that was me up there. I’m not used to your fancy new site!
Nicki´s last blog post..What The?!
by Nicki on October 19, 2008 at 8:07 pm. #
It’s always those voices that keep us cautious, but they also keep us from progressing. Those negative voices make us question our very existence. But there are good voices out there too. They are usually quiet, and you have to listen very carefully to hear them. So sort through those crazy voices, and just listen to the good ones which tell you to chase after your dreams and you will realize your greatest hopes.
And I still have that bump on the top knuckle of my middle finger, and I’m not even a writer. What’s up with that???
Amelia´s last blog post..The Halloween Process has Begun. . .
by Amelia on October 19, 2008 at 9:11 pm. #
I think you can totally do it. And then tell me when your book signings are because I will TOTALLY be there!
Jaina´s last blog post..Historia de un letrero
by Jaina on October 20, 2008 at 8:59 am. #
Hi Sam, Thanks for your post in my GB. Yes I am still alive but now old and ill. I have never followed my ‘book plan’ because the subject is a living breathing wonderful person who has spent her life fighting the worst kind of suffering and pain. To write her story while she is still alive would not be fair. The rub is that it seems now that she will survive me! So another story that will never be told. I appreciate your ‘rejection’ fears. My technical approach to that problem would be; you must have spare strings to your bow! The research and planning needed to validate your ‘Vampiric’ plot in your mind surely leads you digressively into parallel and divergent scenarios. Exploit these possibilities by commencing a second and third book while the first is denying you closure. The mental rest that this exercise allows, will facilitate a return to project 1 (the original story) with new vigour and insight. Sequentially skipping from one project to another will reward you with a broad canvas of related titles and provide you (if diligent) with a triology, each volume fresh and new and true to theme, released not years after the first but one quickly following the other. Each title and plot forces you to read and re-read the others for accuracy and fidelity to your chosen plot structure. By the time you have completed these three tasks, you will be so confident in the theme that you will not fear anything!!! Good Luck! Lady Sam from your Sir Writealot Cheers Ig Australia
by Ignatius Writealot on January 25, 2009 at 9:40 pm. #