Steadied

Posted by Kym

Whether you believe in God, the Universe, Karma, or nothing much at all, there are life events that speak of a greater power overseeing everything. That for all the evil and horror we inflict upon each other, sometimes someone or something steps in and pats us down. Let’s us know we’re not alone. Teaches us that no, it’s not coincidence.

I believe in God. A Heavenly Father. Who much like earthly parents watches his children do horrid and stupid things, or just falter and fall as they try to get the hang of this earthly life gig. I believe He holds himself back from reaching in and preventing all our sorrows because we have so very, very much to learn in this life. And we have our agency. We have the power to make choices and have an impact on our lives and the lives of those around us. God will not take that agency away from us. It would defeat his purpose for us in this life. Much as carrying a child through life and never letting them walk lest they fall, would be to defeat our own purposes for our children.

But sometimes He does reach out. Lifts us for a moment. Helps us regain our balance. Today has been a rebalancing sort of day.

It began with Neil leaving early for the dentist. He settled the blankets back in around me and gave me a tender kiss, wishing me a happy day. He may be a schmuck sometimes and hurt my feelings with his bluntness, but he is a good man and never does so intentionally. He is not malicious and his stark honesty is not a sign of a lack of love as I sometimes fear.

The girls woke up sleepy instead of bouncing about as usual, and they snuggled me sweetly for a good twenty minutes, offering spontaneous declarations of “I love you Mommy.” The morning yielded happy play. No screaming or crying as has been the norm the last few weeks. They played hide and go seek together for a half hour. There was much giggling. They pulled out their wooden blocks and built towers together. More giggling.

They are munching on apples right now, as am I. We had a healthy breakfast together earlier. I am drinking water. Being kind to myself. I’m able to read through the lovely supportive comments on my last post and realize that I have access to suppport and love here. Neil has not progressed to the point that he is able to offer that, much as I have not progressed to the point where I can offer him all that he might hope for from me. We are great big bundles of potential, and we can urge and inspire, or we can criticize. This is a choice that needs to be made every day. It feels good to realize that. I’m going to make Neil one of his favourite meals tonight. Service is his favourite way to be loved.

I feel like I’ve been steadied. That I was about to fall down into the deep dark again but have been caught just in time. It doesn’t feel like coincidence, though many would name it so. It feels like love.