Drawing the Line
by Kym on November 30, 2008
Me: I think I’m writing Christmas cards for the wrong reason.
Neil: Let me guess. For the praise, for the glory of getting them out on time, and to show off how pretty the ones you chose are.
Me: ~laughing sheepishly~ Yep. Pretty much. Ah well, at least I know what’s wrong with me, eh?
Problem is…so does he.
I haven’t yet decided if this is ultimately a good thing or a not so good thing. Years of blogging have brought me to the point where I am open and honest about pretty much everything. Pretense has gone right out the window, and I often find myself musing out loud in front of Neil about my hopes, dreams, and my ulterior motives. I’m not the sweet young girl he once fell in love with and that troubles me rather deeply.
Increased self-awareness has helped/forced me to confront the less pleasant aspects of myself. I analyze my motives fairly frequently now and painful though that is, it gives me hope of changing. I’m even able to recognize those changes, in effect saying to myself (or out loud in front of Neil), “Hey, wow, I’m not half so selfish as I was last year. Last year I would’ve done such-and-such but this time my reaction was more along the lines of this, that, and the other. I’ve come further than I thought. Neat!”
If I’m speaking out loud Neil kind of nods his head or grunts or makes a mmmhmm noise at this point, a feeble attempt to reduce his risk of being quizzed about what I’ve said.
I’m suddenly reminded of when he and I first married. Every morning, even while on our honeymoon, I got up before he did, showered, dressed, did my hair and make up, then crawled back into bed to cuddle some more so that he woke up to me looking…nice-ish. Yes, I was actually that insecure. Yes it’s both sweet and sad at the same time.
Thing is, not only do I not hide my character flaws anymore, I don’t hide the others quite so well either. My laissez-faire attitude has affected various aspects of our married life and I’m sure he wishes that my desire to impress extended to him as well as to house guests. At least, I think he might. Neil, unlike myself, doesn’t often think out loud in my presence.
No grand sum up this time, because I haven’t got this figured out. At all. In fact, advice would be appreciated. How do I find that balance between spreading my faults out on the table so I can deal with them, and yet being a woman now in this very moment who my husband can respect and even love? Am I shooting for the stars here? Do I need to just keep my mouth shut and wow him with my progress as I go along? Or is it better to go full bore and let him know everything?
Where do I draw the line?
30 comments
“Pretense has gone right out the window” this is a good thing… we all should stop drawing the line!
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by LeeGro on November 30, 2008 at 9:40 am. #
I’m confused about this very thing. I wish I had some answers or advice. I’m pretty sure it’s a balance issue, like so many other things in life.
“Let your words be few” comes to mind…I’m just not so good at that. I’d rather live my words and not speak so much. But I guess I still verbally dig for compliments out of insecurity. I’m also learning not to be so impatient with MYSELF. Just last night a friend and I were talking about how quickly we age, but how very long it takes to grow up. It’s a slow process, but PRAISE THE LORD that it’s happening at all :)
by Heather of the EO on November 30, 2008 at 10:36 am. #
I’m pretty much an open book and I frequently tell everyone far more than they want or need to know :) So I need the same advice as you.
by Erin on November 30, 2008 at 11:26 am. #
Sounds to me like the same kind of issue as the honeymoon morning makeup–pretending you’re someone else. You’re striving to be a better woman all the time in spite of your flaws (which we all have)–and that’s who you are today, right now. Neil will love you for that, not for a face you put on for him.
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by Annette on November 30, 2008 at 12:06 pm. #
The best advice I can give is what has worked for me. We are so much alike!
Before you say something to Neil about your improvements, pause for about 3 seconds and feel out whether you need to say it to him.
Husbands are great champions, but they also aren’t girlfriends. James is my best friend and I rely on him and talk to him about nearly everything, but I need to remind myself that I am also his wife and I can overwhelm him so that he stops hearing what I’m actually saying.
A lot of times I find that I want to tell him things because I want that pat on the back. When I take that little pause I allow my Jiminy Cricket to tell me either “Go ahead, it’s fine” or that little nudge “No, keep that to yourself.”
Mostly it depends on how much lately I’ve been talking about it all.
by Rebecca on November 30, 2008 at 12:54 pm. #
Oh, and as far as you being different than who he married? I have worried about that myself.
But you know what? I would bet a bag of potpourri that Neil isn’t exactly the same man you married. Growing old together in many cases involves growing up together. I’m not the same girl I was 9 years ago. In some ways I’m lacking, but in a whole lot of ways I’m much better.
((hugs))
by Rebecca on November 30, 2008 at 12:57 pm. #
You’re no longer the girl he married but you’re still the woman he loves. I say be yourself, bit if you’re not sure, try to use that pause like Rebecca says.
And sweetie, what’s not to love? :D
by Jo Beaufoix on November 30, 2008 at 2:26 pm. #
The thing I appreciate about my marriage is that I feel like my husband and I can be very open and honest with each other about everything. With that being said, though, sometimes it takes us some time to tell each other our innermost thoughts.
Each marriage, though, is unique and you have to find out what works best for you and Neil. Have you tried asking him this question you are asking us :) ?!?
And I am sure he will always loves you exactly the way you are! You are amazing!
by An Ordinary Mom on November 30, 2008 at 3:02 pm. #
You know what I appreciate? The fact that I left my work clothes in the washer, and my husband got up in the middle of the night and put them in the dryer for me. So when my alarm went off this morning, I freaked out and then he said: “I did it, your clothes are dry.”
Yup yup yup.
BTW you never gave me your address….
by Abra on November 30, 2008 at 3:44 pm. #
Well, as far as my husband knowing my inner motivations for things, we’re in the same boat. And I read him just as well. So he and I are even. ;)
But we don’t focus on each others faults, instead we love the goodness and the potential we see in each other. We help each other grow and I don’t think that would be possible if we were both acting a part all the time.
There’s much of arrogance and vanity in me but I believe there is also much of selflessness and love (arrogant eh?) and that I’m constantly cultivating the latter two is more important than beating myself up for the times I’m really a bit of a jerk in my head.
Just the fact that you realize and hate some of the motivations you have for doing things tells me you have a heart of gold within.
by Summer on November 30, 2008 at 4:12 pm. #
You should just be you in all your glory and/or flaws. If you can’t be completely yourself in your home then where can you be? I don’t think that he tries to be anything he is not and I think he’ll love you even more for doing the same.
by Tonya on November 30, 2008 at 6:11 pm. #
For better and for worse, right?
by dapoppins on November 30, 2008 at 6:24 pm. #
I never send Christmas cards. I am just evil like that. But as for pretense being thrown out the window? This is likely a good thing. What is it dr suess said? Be who you are for those matter don’t mind and those who mind don’t matter . . . or something like that.
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by julie wright on November 30, 2008 at 6:55 pm. #
My husband says he loves me more when I am being myself. I haven’t decided whether to believe him yet or not. It is a fine line though, between saying what we think/feel and trying not to hurt feelings (or smooth things over when they shouldn’t be smoothed, etc.)
by Erin on November 30, 2008 at 7:16 pm. #
Well, you know that your frank and openness is what we all love about you, but I can see how it might be a little different if it’s someone who lives with you. Maybe. I’ll bet he mostly appreciates it like the rest of us. But I suppose being too open/verbal about it can take you back to a little bit of selfishness, which is sort of what you want to avoid.
Oh, tricky! No advice! Just wishing you the best!
by LisAway on November 30, 2008 at 10:34 pm. #
I feel the same way, though I have to say, I have yet to shock the pants off my husband, figuratively speaking.
It’s grand to have someone to be honest with :-) though it might cost them some therapy in the future.
PS Your post reminded me. I’ve gotta get my Christmas letter and cards all ready to send out!
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by Jewel/Pink Ink on December 1, 2008 at 12:57 am. #
1. I never send Christmas cards out.
2. I am brutally honest with my husband, and although it might sometimes be slightly too much for him to be able to take in, it’s part of what he loves about me.
3. You are who you are. Never be ashamed of that. God made you that way, and you are His work.
:)
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by Razzler on December 1, 2008 at 4:01 am. #
Just be you until you figure out who you are… Your husband will appreciate that you are just you… No more, no less and I bet he would tell you (ASK HIM!) that you are more than enough, just the way you are right at this moment. Imagine how many times he may have wished you were still next to him in bed while you were primping in the bathroom instead… Just be you! You might find that you are perfect, just the way you are! Waste no more time…
by Janet on December 1, 2008 at 7:12 am. #
oh, oh ,oh. Kim….my dear, darling lady. You should never, ever stop being yourself and being open about the ever evolving women you are. You have grown up in so many ways and become an honest, open, loving women who I admire very much! Remember how desperately insecure you were as a young married lady? Not just about marriage, but life in general? The pedestal you placed your hubby on and how hard it was to see him (or him to see you)from wayyyy below where you placed yourself? Its amazing how much things change when we shift our perspectives.
Marriage needs to be about the truth of each person, equal give and take of husband and wife. You need to strive to show your love for him as he, in the same way, needs to strive to show his love for you. If you are feeling a deficit in the give and passion, love and wow-ing are you sure that it is all coming from you??
What trouble me rather deeply, dear friend, is that you feel Neil doesn’t see or appreciate the amazing women you are and the truth of the evolving beauty within! I am wondering if maybe he needs to get his eyes checked….lol.
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by Jenn on December 1, 2008 at 8:52 am. #
My husband always says that he only needs three things to keep him happy:
1)Food
2)Sex
3)Money
Men are amazingly simple creatures, they just don’t analyze or worry about the same things we do…and they don’t value the same things.
I started to realize a few years ago that the fact that my husband doesn’t do cartwheels over my latest fabulous undertaking means nothing as far as my personal worth.
I’m SO glad I’m not the naive young girl my husband married. The woman I am now would have told her to grow a pair.
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by Nicki on December 1, 2008 at 10:07 am. #
This post makes me think of a piece of advice Angela Lansbury gave out (in an interview or book, I know not). “Do not struggle into your pantyhose in sight of your husband.” That’s pretty much all I have to say. I think that covers it well. (Having said that, growing and changing and communicating is all a part of life–maybe you should ask HIM how he feels about all of it?)
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by Heidi Ashworth on December 1, 2008 at 1:00 pm. #
Well, you can always count on me to be the contraria; I’ll have to email you about this. Have you ever read “As Queens Ride By?”
by Novembrance on December 1, 2008 at 1:02 pm. #
And, of course, I meant ‘contrarian.’
by Novembrance on December 1, 2008 at 1:02 pm. #
And it’s “When Queens Ride By.” Sheesh.
by Novembrance on December 1, 2008 at 1:16 pm. #
so wait. are you saying that he can’t love you if you don’t shut up and just be the same girl you were when you were married? wow. well, as long as you’re setting reasonable expectations, woo hoo!
i think i would drop kick myself into the middle of next week if i thought i was the same person i was *last* week.
don’t forget those vows :
love, honour, cherish, as long as you both shall live EXACTLY THE SAME AS YOU ARE NOW.
it’s a fairly big one. i think someone got turned into a pillar of asbestos for changing, in biblical times. that’s a questionable reference, so i’d check that. nothing i say is quotable, really…
mwah.
by holly on December 1, 2008 at 4:31 pm. #
oh by the way. god is so going to punish you for sending those christmas cards out for ANYthing less than to announce his birthday.
i’m going to get the butt-kicking of a lifetime when i get up there.
by holly on December 1, 2008 at 4:33 pm. #
Ummm. . . .
by Eowyn on December 2, 2008 at 10:37 am. #
First of all, I love Christmas cards. I don’t care if my reasons are good or not, holiday mail makes me happy.
Secondly, I say honestly is the best policy, but for both of your sakes, focus more on the positive stuff. And men are not the simple creatures they sometimes claim to be, they like us to talk about THEM too, and to point out the stuff that they are doing well. So, if it’s in your nature to talk a lot about yourself and work through things that way, then go for it, but spend a little talk time building him up too. If nothing else, he might start paying more attention. :)
by Steph @ Diapers and Divinity on December 2, 2008 at 9:05 pm. #
Well, as my grandfather would say, there is a time and a place for everything.
by Jaina on December 3, 2008 at 3:23 pm. #
Well, since you asked….
As Jaina says, time and a place for everything.
And forgive me for being blunt, but you seem particularly self indulgent, and not ‘anyone else’ indulgent. Love means, “what are his needs?” Not putting yourself first all the time. I’m sure you think you don’t. But your line of thought throughout all your posts is all kind of me me me. You do seem to focus on what *you* feel, how things effect *you,* what *you* will say etc etc.
Just sayin’….
by Braja on December 5, 2008 at 8:15 am. #