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I Worry About Me
Posted by KymSo once upon a time there was this girl (yes, that would be me - who else do I in all my egomaniacal glory ever write about?). She was your basic timid, sheltered, humour repressed gal with huge heaping helpings of self-doubt and neuroticism tossed in to boot. Her view of the world was narrower than that of a blindered horse and she spent much of her time wrinkling her nose and looking down at people. And not just because she had overactive olfactory receptors and a few inches of height more than the average.
She was a bit of a prude, truth be told.
She thought people who smoked, drank, and carried on in other such ways were Bad People. She sneered internally at people with weight issues thinking them foolish for “letting that happen” or “doing that to themselves.” She winced when people used Bad Words and wouldn’t watch movies that were rated above PG (and some of those were a bit suspect). She wore shapeless clothing and avoided talking to people, partly because she was socially handicapped, and partly because she didn’t meet many people she could easily understand.
Understanding people was something that either happened or…didn’t. Attempts and efforts weren’t made. It was something that happened immediately or not at all.
The girl grew up painfully slowly. The process could even be described as torturous. Her misconceptions and preconceptions were essentially twisted into the form of weapons and used to whack sense into her depressingly thick skull. She married a man whose family did Bad Things, told Bad Jokes, watched Bad Movies, and used Bad Words. And she loved them. Her misconceptions shattered into many painful pieces. Sheltered shy girl slowly morphed into a more open minded, tolerant, and loving woman.
With a few glitches, of course.
Years have passed, and she still catches herself regressing at times. Glimpses of the judgmental side of herself surging forward into the ole limelight. Assumptions kicking into high gear and then falling apart in the light of truth. That truth being that people are far, far too multi-faceted to be judged at a glance or over a single fact of their existence.
I met a young woman Friday night. She looked to be about sixteen years old, with funky hoop earrings, stylishly tattered jeans and a sporty but sparkly top. Big curly hair was held back by a hairband. I was shocked to learn she was twenty-two and had two children. As the evening progressed and conversation flowed I found myself assuming. Assuming that a woman whose mother had beaten her was a woman I couldn’t feel a true connection with, my own childhood having been so idyllic. Assuming that because she loves to hunt and I find the sport distasteful, here was not a woman I could befriend in earnest.
And yet, I found that as our small group of women chatted and laughed together, that woman and I made eye contact more than once, sharing a laugh together. A brief spark of a moment wherein we could tell from the expression on the other’s face that we were thinking the exact same thing.
It hit me kind of hard. I often reflect on my personal transformation. I hardly know myself anymore. Sometimes I get a little prideful over it. I start to strut. I think of how far I’ve come and I’m too content and suddenly I’m sliding backwards.
Sometimes it hurts to be humbled. I’ve been there. I’ve faced up to what a wretched girl I was and how much I missed out on because I dared to think I had the right to judge people I knew nothing of. This time though, it doesn’t hurt so much. I’m smiling through the humility. It feels good to know that I am not done. That this moment is not the sum total of my potential.
I have it in me to be so much, so very infinitely more.
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I LOVE being proven wrong! Some of my best friends are people I didn’t think I would ever be friends with. I love unique individuals who do their own thing, say their own thing and who stand up for themselves. It’s nice to see how far we have come since our youth.
I’m an innately judgmental person (aren’t we all?), and I tend to make quick ideas of who is or is not a kindred spirit. All to often (thankfully) I am proved completely and fully wrong. It’s like Pip who in Great Expectations meets someone and his first thoughts are that this young man will never amount to anything and other negative thoughts. Years later Pip looks back and realizes that his thoughts at that point far more reflected who he was than who the other young man was (who grew up to be successful and happy and they were close friends). I always remind myself of this when I’m tempted to be excessively judgmental, which is not often. Only ever other day or so.
Thora´s last blog post..Ye Shall Always Rejoice
I just put this quote on my blog two days ago: The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself. ~Anna Quindlen
I think about this a lot. I am always doing a dance with myself so to speak, adjusting this, changing that, trying to figure out who I am. I hope one day to figure out what my potential is.
Erin´s last blog post..I Know Something About You
(response to last line.) We all do. How cool is that? Once we see it in ourselves, it’s easier to see it in others too.
Sounds like a great moment of learning and connecting. Glad you realize how far you have come. Great.
Jan´s last blog post..Citizen Patrol
Oh how I love this. Is it starting to seem like I’m making it up when I say there are no words? Because I would like to say something all profound in response, but I love it so much I can’t find the words.
One of the very most important parts of life, in my humble opinion (;, is to realize WE’RE ALL THE SAME. We have different levels and stages of struggle, but we can STILL connect. And isn’t that beautiful?
Heather of the EO´s last blog post..Can we escape going ape?
You really are so gifted with prose.
Melanie J´s last blog post..Wait, isn’t that…? Holy cow, it is.
Well you probably already know what I’m going to say (assuming that you’re eagerly anticipating my comment as I know you surely must be), but this…is me.
I’ve loved getting past those harsh judgements of my youth and making friends with the most unexpected of women. And yet I still have echos of my former prude that rears its head from time to time.
Summer´s last blog post..The Secret Mountain
I think you’re incredible for being so willing to be humbled, as you put it.
My dad judges on first impressions only. And if you don’t impress, then you’re outta luck. I guess in a way, that’s lucky for me, because I learned early how NOT to do it.
Becky´s last blog post..Birthday wishes to the woman who gave me life
You really can learn a lot about someone by first impressions. The amazing thing is that a lot might still only be a very small part. And more often than not, a rather insignificant part as well.
Why does it feel so great to befriend someone that’s so different from yourself? Especially when It’s someone you would normally be quick to judge? I love that.
LisAway´s last blog post..A Woman of My Word
I love this. It’s a wonderful thing to love who you have become in adulthood. . . and also recognize how far we have to go. Isn’t maturity all about learning how much we have to learn?
pam at beyondjustmom´s last blog post..on family photos
Except for the being really shy part (I wasn’t), you described me completely. At least the me I used to be.
I look back at who I was and realize that everything wasn’t so cut and dried as I thought it was. Growing up is a painful, but oh so important process!
Rebecca´s last blog post..I have sunk to new lows.
On a totally different note, if you visit Michal at Relishing Motherhood you can find a post about setting goals through the holidays that you may be interested in. There’s 14 of us signed up so far. If you’re not, that’s ok, but I would have felt badly for not telling you!
Rebecca´s last blog post..I have sunk to new lows.
I admire you for living up to your beliefs, especially where we were raised. I am to socially retarded, but I veered, and the path is long and rough. My best friends are people I never thought I would be friends with and we have so little in common, but so much.
Kelline Boel´s last blog post..Misconceptions?
I think the fact that you know these things about yourself is leaps and bounds ahead of most. It’s hard to look at ourselves in an objective mirror. One of my favorite quotes is from Mother Teresa “If you judge people, you have no time to love them. “
I have always been taught that it doesn’t matter what people do, who they are, what they look like, or what religion they are. What is important, is that you know who YOU are. Once you have yourself figured out, it’s easy to associate with people who don’t share your same views. The world would be a boring place if everyone thought and acted the same.
PS, I always thought you were funny, so don’t sell yourself short by describing yourself as humorless.
Also, if it weren’t for you, I would never have learned to play the Chinese Forks game.
i was like that too, but i only realized it recently. it’s because i was so very sheltered growing up. i now have to figure out how not to shelter my own kids to their detriment without overexposing them in the process.
Memarie Lane´s last blog post..The U.N. Spent $23 Million on THIS?
That this moment is not the sum total of my potential.
Beautiful. I think I may have to quote you sometime.
Jaina´s last blog post..Shiny Stuff: Part One
A most excellent post.
Half my friends in Brazil never finished high school and got pregnant at 14 or 15. Many have done everything on the “bad list,”and are my opposite in every way from skin color to salary.
And they’re my best friends.
That Girl in Brazil´s last blog post..Answers to life’s mysteries
That was truly an exceptionally honest posting, and I loved it. I saw myself in there…thank you.
Braja´s last blog post..
Boy, I can so relate to this! Pretty much every word (except the shapeless clothes–I was never quite that much of a prude–but everything else, yes). It was hard marrying into a family who didn’t have the same standards (tho my husband does) and that has been a very humbling experience all by itself. Between that and the Big Guy, I have had to grow up really fast. It is so great to be able to enjoy people for who they are and not have this critic sitting on my shoulder. A critic judges people and things to be both bad and good. I’m doing less of both (including judging me) and it feels really good.
Heidi Ashworth´s last blog post..Can You Believe It? Tagged Again!
Regression. Unfortunately I feel like I have been doing a lot of that lately. Thanks for reminding me, though, that I can do better!
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