My Life is a Lie
by Kym on November 5, 2008
A carefully crafted one, of course, but a lie nonetheless. I have taken my once useful skill of playing pretend (something that served me well in imagining up stories and games as a child – and writing English essays as a teen) and given it greater life application. So much is a facade and what really gets to me is that I used to be proud of the fact. Proud of how thoroughly I could fool people.
It began socially, I think. After years of feeling socially ostracized I wanted so desperately to be accepted. Oh the years of smiling and nodding! Of saying fervently, “Oh, me too!” My actual thoughts and opinions swept up in a desire to be the same.
The worst was when unexpected guests called to say they would be arriving shortly. Such a panic! Unwashed dishes hastily stowed under the sink. Contents of the cluttered rec room tossed into a laundry basket and hid in the laundry room. All other signs of mess and disarray chucked into the office or bedroom upstairs. Neils asks with some amount of exasperation, “Can’t it look as though we live here?” “No!” I snap. Catch myself. Attempt a smile. “After seven years of marriage you just don’t know me at all, do you?” My voice breaks. Sometimes there are tears.
There is a knock on the door and I fly to the bathroom as Neil answers it, reapplying my makeup in a flurry of activity. They must not see the sweat on the brow, the tracks of overwhelmed tears down my cheeks, the bitten lips. I steady my breathing and put on an appearance of calm. Sometimes, when I am particularly skilled, they have no idea. Other times, I think they guess, and it is all I can do not to weep in earnest.
Over the years I have tried to be more honest, but tend to take it to the opposite extreme. “Oh, you think our house is too clean? Ha ha ha…you should the see the upstairs, we left it off the tour for a reason, it’s horribly chaotic up there, ha ha ha!” I sense their awkwardness but I can’t seem to stop. “And under the sink…ha ha ha…that’s where I tossed all the dirty dishes you know, can’t have you see what a messy house I keep, ha ha ha!” I feel trapped by my own extremeties of behaviour, the happy medium so very, very elusive.
Sincerity is a work in progress for me. A careful carving away of the lies and pretendings till I have sculpted a life I can live with. A life which, through actual change or through self-awareness, I come to realize there is no need to lie about.
It makes me shudder a bit to realize how many years of my short life have been spent not being me.
There is some need for our facades, yes. There is a need for self-defense. For caution. So often we are attacked unawares by unkindness and blunt judgments. We feel the need to pretend in order to spare ourselves such hurts. Having taken that pretending to such an extreme at various times in my life, I’m coming to learn that the pretending itself wounds the soul in explicable ways.
And now, there is something rather addictive about openness and honesty. Though painful at times, it is a delight to peel away the layers and discover the treasure beneath. Yes, the true self is worth protecting. But it is worth discovering as well.
My true self? Keeps a wretchedly messy upper floor of her home. I’m rather tired of hiding it. I can continue to, I can show it to the world, or I can change it so I don’t feel inclined to lie about it anymore. I’m opting for two out of three. I’m going to show it to the world and then I’m going to change it.
That’s the greatest thing about this latest bout of self-reflection. That realization that change is possible. I can practice sincerity. And I can also practice living a life I want to be sincere about.
Tune in later today for the after pictures of the project I’m tackling today. The upstairs of my home. A lie no more!
32 comments
You know you’re going to make a lot of people feel a little more normal with those pictures. I’m not going to lie and say, “Oh! That’s not very messy!” But I will say, “My house looks like that way too often, too.”
And I think it’s okay to do a quick shove everything out of sight before someone arrives! when you have to. Although for me, I think people know I’m kind of not that tidy, but I want them to feel comfortable. That’s more why I do it. But I’m pretty sure everyone does do it. Thanks for sharing this.
by LisAway on November 5, 2008 at 6:09 am. #
Way to go on improving your life in all the little ways you can . . . keep it up! *HUGS* :)
Kate´s last blog post..I want to cry!
by Kate on November 5, 2008 at 6:30 am. #
I just don’t allow people to come over, it makes it really easy ;)
I love you Kim. Have I told you that lately? :)
by Abra on November 5, 2008 at 6:30 am. #
We all have messy houses. When you see somebody’s really clean, they have just done what you do. I’m sure of it. Or they have no kids. I wrote about change last week on my blog, and how I am ready for it. I think you stated it a little more eloquently, and said what I was thinking. Way to be honest. I really love reading your posts.
Brooke´s last blog post..Voting
by Brooke on November 5, 2008 at 6:37 am. #
Made me want to go and take pictures of my mess : ) I realized the other day that I do this whole charade, too, when my cousins commented the how organized and clean I am…excuse me while I pause to have a hernia from laughing (BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!) Anyway, I’m the most unorganized, lazy, uncaring person when it comes to housework (which bothers me to no end)…until someone’s coming over. I have to admit to using a rubbermaid bin to throw dirty dishes into. Umhmm. And where I used to clean my new hardwood floors every other day, well, we won’t get into that!
Good for you for being honest. Thank you for your vulnerability! That takes a LOT of courage, and somehow it makes me want to be more real. I love you muchly :)
Erin´s last blog post..Mad, Mad Libs!
by Erin on November 5, 2008 at 6:59 am. #
This concept is quite liberating–it takes too much energy to pretend.
Annette´s last blog post..Halloween as a Purple Tent
by Annette on November 5, 2008 at 7:33 am. #
My dear girl, if I showed you the pictures of my master bedroom, you would squeal with delight at how clean the upper area of your home is!
I am intrigued by this though. We refer to the master bedroom as “second storage” – the first storage is the garage. Perhaps I need to go through and detox my home of pretend perfection? Hmmm….
Melissa´s last blog post..
by Melissa on November 5, 2008 at 7:59 am. #
Now, you don’t think you’re the only one, do you? I mean, you’re unique and wonderful and completely intriguing, but we all live behind our pretenses because if we were truly honest, we’d all be to terrified of one another to have relationships :-)
Josi´s last blog post..Whitney Benefit Auction
by Josi on November 5, 2008 at 8:08 am. #
oh you are SO not alone…my side of the bed is a stack of books, water bottles and cast off shoes…J’s is neat as a pin. He is the only reason chaos does not rule our house…. oh and Ani too, since her favorite hobby is vacuuming.
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by leendaluu on November 5, 2008 at 8:48 am. #
girl, my house looks like that ALL the time. I lament over the fact that I used to have a clean house, but it doesn’t change anything. My life has gotten busier and I cannot keep up with everything, so I let some things go, things like dusting, and organized closets. When I die I hope people have better things to say about me than, “Man her closets were so tidy!” So I leave those chores alone and hope that what I do instead will give people better things to say about me when I die.
by julie wright on November 5, 2008 at 9:03 am. #
“I’m coming to learn that the pretending itself wounds the soul in explicable ways.”
My dear, this is profound. And so, so true. All that pretending leaves you in some warped version of reality where you’re not you, but you’re not quite the person you pretend to be either. (Believe me, I know!)
I’m a work in progress.
by Becky on November 5, 2008 at 9:05 am. #
i have the exact same issue, and i think that’s why i have such a hard time forming an opinion about anything. i’ll read one point of view and see their point and agree, then i’ll read an opposite opinion and see their point and agree with them too. it’s a very confusing way to live.
Memarie Lane´s last blog post..Love the Stuff You’re With
by Memarie Lane on November 5, 2008 at 9:28 am. #
I think all this post says is that you’re pretty darn normal. Besides, I think presenting our best to company shows respect for them. If you were the guest, wouldn’t you feel more comfortable if they’d shoved the mess out of the way before you arrived?
It doesn’t have to mean you’re hiding the real you, or even that you’re insecure about your housekeeping. It just means you have a desire to make people feel comfortable in your home. So even though I think it’s fabulous that you’re tackling your upstairs (Go You!), I think you’re right on (and like most of us) by de-messing for company.
(When I was a kid we had “company drills” regularly – just for practice…)
Jen´s last blog post..I Won!!
by Jen on November 5, 2008 at 9:54 am. #
There’s a reason I call myself a housekeeper in training. . .
Eowyn´s last blog post..Hmmm
by Eowyn on November 5, 2008 at 11:35 am. #
I laughed when my realtor said we were aiming for folks viewing the house to marvel at what neat freaks we are.
And then I realized he was serious.
I may be mistaken for many things, but a neat freak will never be one of them.
You have little kids still. Enjoy them, enjoy your writing, and try not to worry too much.
Life is to be lived, after all.
(Thanks for your kind words this morning; I needed a lift.)
Lisa Milton´s last blog post..fragile
by Lisa Milton on November 5, 2008 at 1:14 pm. #
If you saw my upstairs, you’d feel a lot better about yourself. I wish I could just make a habit of making it clean instead of making excuses when the excuses require so much more energy.
Melanie J´s last blog post..Memememememememememememememe
by Melanie J on November 5, 2008 at 1:48 pm. #
Have you heard the saying, “If you want to visit ME, stop by anytime; but if you want to see my house, make an appointment.” or something like that. I have also seen a plaque I could hang on my wall saying, “This Mess is a House.” You should have seen all the shoving away of things I did right before my family came for my big Halloween Party. I will probably spend the next month getting everything put away and straightened around to “normal.”
One Saturday, my neighbor stopped by while we were all frantically cleaning the house. His first question was, “Are you expecting company soon?” Umm, yea, why else would we be cleaning? Crazy. I don’t know why it is so hard to keep a house in order. I suppose it is because we live in it.
Every year for Mother’s Day my kids ask me what I want. My answer is always “I want the whole house to be clean all at the same time.” Their response is always, “But what do you want that we can just go to the store and buy?”
Are you feeling normal yet?
by Amelia on November 5, 2008 at 2:24 pm. #
I love the quote….I’d rather have happy kids, than a clean house…………….ps I hide clutter to!
by Kelline Boel on November 5, 2008 at 2:32 pm. #
My whole house is worse…you’ll have to try harder to become a true slob if you want to compete with me!
Heffalump´s last blog post..Wordless Wednesday
by Heffalump on November 5, 2008 at 2:36 pm. #
one day i’m going to knock at the door. neil will answer and i will charge straight to the bathroom, drag you out of your makeup-application frenzy and go KIMBO! did you not see camp rock? the people that don’t accept you for who you are do not deserve to be your friends! it was either that or the big piglet movie, i forget which.
but surely it was a disney movie. i don’t know ANYTHING except i learned it in a disney movie : hate spiders, kill witches, and people who don’t accept you for who you are should not get the scholarships.
hollydolly´s last blog post..obama has already made my life better
by hollydolly on November 5, 2008 at 2:49 pm. #
I like the idea of being honest and trying to improve!
Lorie´s last blog post..Homemade Play Kitchen
by Lorie on November 5, 2008 at 3:54 pm. #
first of all I feel honoured that you brought me upstairs!! thanks for not feeling shameful!! I soooo understand the facade thing and have d lived there most of my life as well. No more though…honesty is addictive and the more I find people loving me for the real me, the more ME I allow myself to be.
and by the way, I love you for being you, even the you that might be hidden (I am frightfully good at seeing the “real” in folks) and I promise to be me with you, so you can feel free to be you with me!
xo
Jenn´s last blog post..~my Libra boys~
by Jenn on November 5, 2008 at 4:48 pm. #
Did you sneak into my house and take pictures? LOL. One of these days I’ll muster up the courage to take a picture of my closet. It might be the messiest on the planet. That my issue, cluter that goes in the closets. I can’t wait to see the after shots. YOU GO GIRL!!
by Tonya on November 5, 2008 at 5:14 pm. #
It’s funny how many of us do this. We do it because the next person is doing it. If we all just stopped, we’d find we’re all pretty much the same. Being real is really cool. It’s one of my favorite things about your blog. :)
Heather of the EO´s last blog post..Small Talk
by Heather of the EO on November 5, 2008 at 7:46 pm. #
Okay so speaking about lies… I actually have a blog again.. that you’re allowed to come and visit. So please do…
I don’t know why it doesn’t show up on your little blogger thinger, but it doesn’t.
Also, while I’m confessing all my lies, I’ve added you as a friend on Nanowrimo, and I saw that I’m not one of yours… is that on purpose because I’m all self conscious all of the sudden…
Also my blog is the same as it was before only called a different name because it wouldn’t let me be the same name…
Okay, I’m done.
by Abra on November 5, 2008 at 8:11 pm. #
okay, so I saw that I should probably tell you my secret combination so you could get on my blog.
It’s mandermint.blogspot.com
Okay I’m done now.
by Abra on November 5, 2008 at 8:14 pm. #
I read this in readers digest when I was a kid and I stuck to the philosophy : “Boring women have immaculate homes.” Just make that sign and put that on your door and then you won’t have to make excuses to anyone for why your house is not immaculate :-) But really, girl, you are way normal, and you didn’t even need to show me your upstairs for me to know you are so NOT boring :-)
Marivic (GrumpyAngel)´s last blog post..A NEW CHAPTER
by Marivic (GrumpyAngel) on November 5, 2008 at 8:58 pm. #
Kim, that is my house too. I shove everything in our room to hide the mess. If I do a big tidy E and M ask who’s coming, and uninvited guests terrify me as our house is never fit to receive them. Must try harder, hee hee.
Jo Beaufoix´s last blog post..Obama and the Singing Bear
by Jo Beaufoix on November 6, 2008 at 1:24 am. #
Sometimes I fervently wish I had an upper floor in which to stash the stuff thereby keeping my lower floor, the public rooms, so to speak, clean and company worthy. Then I just think about how much more floor to vacuum and all that tramping up and down and I am stymied yet again. More and more I realize that certain life lessons happen at certain decades of our lives. You are at that point when you are learning that perfectionism just isnt’ working for you anymore. It doesn’t work for anyone. You will work through it like the oldsters all have. In fact, you are kind of young to already be coming to this conclusion, so pat yourself on the back! Yay!
Heidi Ashworth´s last blog post..The Big Guy The Refrigerator And The Shrink
by Heidi Ashworth on November 6, 2008 at 12:33 pm. #
I recognize that clutter! I was in the same spot you are in terms of chaos not so long ago. I even posted pictures of my craft room on my blog hoping that public shame would be just the ticket to make me deal with it. It worked. I actually got rid of my craft room all together. Guess you can’t exactly do that but hey, the first step to solving a problem is correctly identifying it.
My house is often messy but as the kids are getting older, it’s less frequently a disaster zone. Well, I do have a bit of a disaster brewing now in the laundry room! Don’t worry about perfect- just strive for better. You’ll do fine!
by Binders on November 6, 2008 at 3:16 pm. #
Oh the clutter. It only has limited room for expansion in my small apartment…but I keep making vows to myself to prevent it, and to NOT let it happen when I have my own house sometime in the future.
Jaina´s last blog post..Of Deserts and Dirt Bikes
by Jaina on November 6, 2008 at 5:06 pm. #
I sometimes wonder about the difference between living a lie, and just wanting things to be different. Maybe I’m just fully aware that there will likely always be panic cleaning that goes on at my house, and I’m trying to justify it, but I don’t think a little of it is a bad thing.
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by JustRandi on November 11, 2008 at 6:07 am. #