Pain « Temporary? Insanity

Pain

by Kym on November 1, 2008

I don’t handle it well. Never have really. I’ve always been the sort to crumple up at the first sign of it. Wincing and cringing like an animal who’s seen one too many petting zoos. I have a long, vivid memory, and pain is the sharp side of that double-edged sword.

I’ve never had to endure much. No broken bones. No serious health problems beyond some “growing pains” (read calcium deficiency) that plagued me into my twenties, a few episodes of moderate menstrual cramps. You wouldn’t know it to look at me during those few times though. Neil once came home to find me curled up on the floor moaning in pain. “Have you been taking your calcium pills lately?” he asked. I shook my head no.

I’m an idiot and it shows.

I whacked my knee a good one about a year and a half ago and it was tender for about a year. The slightest touch and I’d cry out. With two exuberant young girls in my charge I often had to endure more than the slightest touch. Now, at age four, after a year of watching me cringe, Emma is beginning to grasp it. I watch her move to climb up onto my lap and then pause, uncertain. “This your owie knee?” she asks. I hate that she has to ask that. Soft tissue damage the doctor said. The pain will come and go. My knee will tell me when I have done too much. Likely always will.

I live in fear of my kneecap.

The three hour hike we went on a couple weeks ago. So much pain. But so much strength. I pushed on through the pain, keeping the whining to the barest of minimums (for me). The effects of that hike still linger and my weakness is mortifying to me. Once, it was comforting. I enjoyed being able to beg off, claiming my weakness as an excuse. Now, it is a millstone around my neck. I want more. I want to strive. I want to live. And I do not want the fear of pain to be a factor.

I tore something during the hike I think. It sends stabbing waves of pain shooting out and down from my left thigh when I have done too much. And I wince, and I hobble. I don’t down three ibuprofen like I would have once upon a time. I need to feel the pain. Need my leg to be my traffic signal. Now I can go. Now I must stop.

I teach myself about pain. The comparitiveness of it. I recite a littany in my head, focused on the pain of others. Neil’s step mum with slipped and bulging disks. Having to take serious pain meds just to cope. Enduring traction. Her daughter comes to wash her hair for her because the pain is too much. Even in childbirth I have not known the kind of pain she faces. Daily.

My pain and my fear are nothing compared to the cancer sufferer, the starving child, the injured soldier, the fleeing refugee. Nothing.

And I find that I can, indeed, teach myself this. And I can smile through the pain and shrug, and say it is not so bad. I do not crave the attention so much anymore. Don’t feel the need to gasp, perhaps a little louder or more often than I would if alone. Don’t wish to curl up on the couch till the pain slowly fades away.

I want more than that now. And that fact alone gives me so much hope for myself it’s a wonder I’m not weeping as I write this. I guess I’ve learned that there are larger things than myself to weep over.

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15 comments

Wow. Thank you for sharing this and reminding me that I need to deal with my own pain a little better–because, like you say, it could be so much worse. Plus, it makes people like you better when you can cope with the little stuff.

Yippee for hope!

Eowyn´s last blog post..Hmmm

by Eowyn on November 1, 2008 at 8:05 am. #

Just thought I’d let you know that I had to type the word verification while holding down the left mouse button over the top–otherwise it won’t let me.

Eowyn´s last blog post..Hmmm

by Eowyn on November 1, 2008 at 8:06 am. #

I know how you feel about pain. I almost didn’t want to have children – not because I was afraid of raising kids, but because I was afraid of the pain of labor. Silly me. It wasn’t that bad.

Erin´s last blog post..Some Fun Stuff

by Erin on November 1, 2008 at 8:17 am. #

I read an interesting Fantasy novel (not that you’ll have time for reading this month) called Elantris, by Brandon Sanderson recently. Besides the fact that the author is randomly Mormon, which has nothing to do with either his book or this comment, the book has a cool premise. Among other things, there are a group of people that are considered “dead” they don’t need to eat, they don’t seem to have blood, and they don’t seem to die. The book is much better than I’m making it sound, but among other things it turns out that these people, the Elantrians, experience every pain as it first happens, as it first hirts, for always and forever. They never heal. If you stub your toe, it hurts forever as it hurt the moment you stubbed it. (Could you imagine having a child while in this state? I can’t).

As I read this book, I kept thinking how grateful I am that pain is a transitory thing; although it comes and it’s difficult, often I get myself through a painful experience by an internal litany that says, “This is temporary. This is not forever. One day this will be a memory., etc.” That’s totally how I cope with childbirth, among other things. I also quote to myself, with slight changes, the mantra of the Bene Gesseret in the Book Dune, “Pain is the mind killer….I will face my pain. I will permit it to pass over me and through me, and when it has gone past….where the pain has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.”

Not that I still don’t complain. I do aplenty. Complaining is one of those things that I like to think don’t apply to me, that I’m stoic and silently strong. The truth? The slightest discomfort will bring my soft litany of, “It’s not fair! This hurts! I’m in discomfort!” And the more minor the issue, usually the more I complain.

This post is a good reminder to me to buck up and take it, to stop complaining.

Thora´s last blog post..My New and Improved Halloween

by Thora on November 1, 2008 at 8:42 am. #

Loved Elantris.

And I watched my father endure unimaginable pain most of his adult life so I feel like a complete loser when I feel pain. But it doesn’t change the fact that it hurts.

I think it’s great that you choose not to milk it, but I don’t think you beat yourself up too much over the fact that it hurts and that’s just how it is.

Melanie J´s last blog post..I have a problem with even numbers.

by Melanie J on November 1, 2008 at 9:03 am. #

I’m a total wimp when it comes to pain. Something I really need to work on. Glad Thora mentioned Elantris. Great book, good reminder.

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by Annette on November 1, 2008 at 10:50 am. #

Yep, yep, yep. Sometimes you just have to FEEL it.

MomBabe´s last blog post..Day One: NaBloPoMo

by MomBabe on November 1, 2008 at 12:15 pm. #

Hey, it is what it is girl, if it hurts, it hurts right? I’m a big suck it up kind of person, I have tendonitis in my achilles tendons, that sucks, also I’ve had arthritis in my ankles since I was twelve, Sometimes, it HURTS other times, it just hurts.
I feel your pain!

by Abra on November 1, 2008 at 1:00 pm. #

I have fibromyalgia and I have to say, it just gets old. I am tired of being a gimp. We are too young for this, right? Especially you. But, I like your attitude. I have been reading my blogs via my dashboard per who I am following but you don’t have that option so I keep forgetting to come here. I have to fix that. BTW, thanks for the stumble. You are sweet! So far, nothing from either time but we’ll see.

Heidi Ashworth´s last blog post..And The Scariest Of Them All . . .

by Heidi Ashworth on November 1, 2008 at 3:12 pm. #

Since Heidi came out of the closet then I should, too. I have fibromyalgia, too. Diagnosed a couple of years ago. There days when it’s almost unbearable. i don’t talk much about it because it’s hard to explain. Easier to cry privately. I am learning from your great attitude.

GrumpyAngel´s last blog post..I Am Thankful For My Way Life

by GrumpyAngel on November 1, 2008 at 4:48 pm. #

You’re so amazing. Your perspective is just so lovely. You strive and endure and articulate it so well. I’m not sure how to describe why, but this is one of my favorite posts of yours.

Heather of the EO´s last blog post..A Superhero from DeToilet and Other Good Stuff

by Heather of the EO on November 1, 2008 at 6:43 pm. #

How lame am I that I want to write “I feel your pain”? I do though. I totally get you on this one.

Some Blogging Chick´s last blog post..So Glad it Wasn’t Halloween Today…

by Some Blogging Chick on November 2, 2008 at 9:48 am. #

Some people have high pain threshholds and some have low ones…it is not shameful, merely genetic. The old saws about gritting your teeth, smiling through your pain and God only burdens you with what you can manage, make me cross. When I was nursing, back in the year dot, some of the older Sisters would shush a patient dying in terrible pain, and the poor soul would try. I would go to them afterwards and whisper in their ears…’you yell as much as you like, you have every right.’ The idea is to make he sufferer feel better, not the listener. Where is the virtue in suffering in silence?

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by moannie on November 4, 2008 at 3:21 am. #