A Gift
by Kym on December 1, 2008
I can’t decide what to write about. There’s too much. Less time in front of the computer and more time doing crazy stuff like actually living has me full to bursting with ideas. Quirky thoughts that have popped into my head, odd experiences, random old blather about this that and the other. I can’t quite focus in on one aspect of myself right now, because I keep shifting all over the place.
And once again, blogging is a metaphor for life. Because I can’t focus my life either. I’ve been really struggling lately, trying to figure out what I want to do with the time allotted to me. I yearn to write, to bake, to perfect my culinary skills, to be supermom and superwife combined, to expand my photography skills, to finish my cross-stitch projects, to learn how to crochet something slightly more complicated that a simple scarf, to write letters to far off friends and family on a regular basis, to become a blogging superstar (okay, I’m gradually letting that one go), to be content! And that last yearning is completely smashed to bits by all the others. Contentment just doesn’t seem to be in the cards for me right now.
It’s not just that I don’t know what I want to do, it’s that I don’t know who I want to be. Thirty years old and once again in the throes of a major identity crisis. Aren’t these supposed to happen pretty rarely? I seem to undergo one at least three times a year.
My mind is bouncing about like a platter full of jelly on an express train during an earthquake. It will not be still! Images flash and shudder, ripples of thought constantly spreading outward from the epicentre. There is a flash of the movie Twilight that we went to see on Thursday. I can see Neil’s face as I glance over at him smirking, feeling smug and superior because I know that love is more than pheremones. Our intertwined hands tighten their grip, and we silently communicate the knowledge that romance is more than the cliched drama painted across a silver screen. It can be found in quiet moments of shared thoughts. It is found in the stark reality of what and who a person is, and loving the entirety of them. We are learning that, him and I. It has taken many years. And so we smother our giggles and watch…amused, entertained, and lost a little in the dreamery the movie provokes.
Next images of Saturday night intrude. Laughter and sweet tangy smells of lotions and scrubs. The giggles and outright guffaws as the “Passion Party” part of the night begins and I am left to alternately blush and gape. So young still. My cheeks ache from laughing and the warmth of women bonding suffuses the room. No judgment in the laughter. I feel strangely peaceful. I come home and tell Neil what “Passion Party” means and he laughs and laughs. I feel I’ve given him a taste of our laughter.
Flash to Sunday night. A phone call from a troubled woman. Weeping. A misunderstanding quickly cleared up but oh, what a gift to be the source of solace to someone so very hurt! Even the knowledge is a gift – that knowing that I, insignificant as I often feel, can mean something…can be a blessing to someone else.
And today. So strange. Someone else watching my kids as Neil and I take a first aid course. Performing CPR on dummies the size of my daughters. They are plastic but the feeling of panic still rises in my chest. I do well but feel ill afterwards as the adrenaline washes away. Please may I never need that training. Coming home to be squeezed and kissed and snuggled by the very girls whose lives I too often fear for. There is a peace in feeling better prepared. There is horror in confronting the possibilities. I clutch them so much more tightly than usual. Emma asks if I am crying. No. Just happy, Emma. Just happy.
And I realize in that moment that I am. For all my confusion and uncertainty. I am happy. This is a new lesson. Not one of the many lessons that repeat over and over as I wince and grimace, knowing I ought to have learnt the first time…or the seventeenth. This is oh so new. To realize that I don’t have to be perfect, life doesn’t have to be perfect, for me to blissfully happy, even if only for a few moments.
What a gift.
27 comments
So true! Sometimes it is so hard to recognize those gifts. At the time they may seem so small…
Sometimes it’s so hard to think of all the things I want to become. I looked at the holiday issue of Better Homes and Gardens (always a good way to feel that your house looks like crap) and wanted my house to look like that. I came home and started to clean… and then I played. I still have the desire for my home to look like it came out of a magazine, but it’s not going to happen because there are things in my life that are much more important!
Melissa´s last blog post..
by Melissa on December 1, 2008 at 10:23 pm. #
Apparently, when I’m tired, I repeat myself. Also, I tend to reiterate things I’ve already said when I’m approaching near exhaustion.
Melissa´s last blog post..
by Melissa on December 1, 2008 at 10:25 pm. #
I love this post. I go through this periodically, but right now my obssession is pretty specific. I’ve lately been overwhelmed with how many books I’ll never read in my lifetime, that I want to read. I am becoming very impatient with books as a result, unwilling to wade through mediocrity and dropping books if I can’t tell that they’re at least pretty decent in the first thirty pages. I don’t know if I’m doing myself a favor or not, but it eases the anxiety a little.
Melanie J´s last blog post..Paying it forward
by Melanie J on December 1, 2008 at 11:17 pm. #
I feel you. I get so wrapped up in doing everything and then I get overwhelmed and do nothing. We’ve got eternity to become perfect- there’s a reason we can’t do it in a day or a month or a year.
I never thought I’d use my CPR skills- but I stay pretty current because I feel that it’s important. Then I did use them once and the impact was profound. The man was a stranger- I can’t imagine if it were my child or a friend’s child. Preparedness brings peace.
by Amber on December 1, 2008 at 11:29 pm. #
You know the old saying – Happiness is not a thing, it’s a Choice. And I believe all of us are a little like a 360 degree floral arrangement. There are many different views, it simply depends on the position of the viewer. Just because one person sees the back while another see’s the front doesn’t change the fact that there both equally valid parts of the whole. Besides, looking at yourself three-dimensionally is rather enlightening – and very liberating!
Jen´s last blog post..My Amazing Self Control (which totally deserves to be rewarded at the earliest opportunity)
by Jen on December 1, 2008 at 11:58 pm. #
wonderful post. so many things to think about. we are always changing and learning and growing no matter how old we are. thanks
beth i´s last blog post..world aids day
by beth i on December 2, 2008 at 1:50 am. #
I love the jello on the train in an earthquake. Man, your mind really is crazy!! :)
I hope one day to come to realizations like you do on such a regular basis. It’s wonderful.
by LisAway on December 2, 2008 at 5:44 am. #
Honestly, I think that Beth is right. We’re going to keep growing no matter how old we are.
I too, have many of the same desires as you. I can’t believe we have the crochet/scarf thing in common! You know, we’ll probably still be 80 and having these times 3 times a year.
What great memories you’ve shared. Beautiful ones.
And I’m pretty curious about that Passion Party! It makes me giggle.
by Rebecca on December 2, 2008 at 7:05 am. #
I want you to do me a favour hun . . . print out this blog post and put it up where you can see it . . . every day . . .
This? This is what life is all about . . . those moments of happiness and laughter and realisation that all add up to the joy that Father sent us here to find!
*HUGS*
by Kate on December 2, 2008 at 7:44 am. #
You’re right, it’s the very best gift of all. Kate is right.
We should all print it, memorize it, and follow it. You don’t have to be perfect to be happy.
by JustRandi on December 2, 2008 at 8:03 am. #
all the bits and pieces, woven together, make such a wonderful image. I am with you in oh so many ways. Striving for many things but learning to be happy, and heck, even content, in the now. ‘Cause hey, what if we keel over and die tomorrow, our to-do list long…the “do” part unfinished.
So here’s to being blissfully happy with a patchwork tapestry of a life!
xo
Jenn´s last blog post..~Gestating Elephant Style~
by Jenn on December 2, 2008 at 8:04 am. #
PASSION PARTY hahahaha! I can’t even picture you there Kim! That’s hilarious!!!
And, there’s always a strong difference between love and lust – most movies portray lust.
Also, that CPR training is essential! I’m so glad that you took the course.
I actually had to use it on Malachi, and it’s amazing how you don’t even think about it, you just start doing. SCARY? Yes but it would have been HORRIFIC had I not known what to do.
by Abra on December 2, 2008 at 8:11 am. #
Wow, Kim, you are really going through a fast learning curve right now. I think it’s great! Unlike most people, you really actively and conciously seek to be a better person and you give it a lot of brain space. In my old age (I’m older than my 44 years) I have found that learning, whether self induced or not, comes in chunks. There will be only so much you can do with this bit of jello jiggling, and then things will calm down for a while until you are up to more jiggling. We are well-oiled machines in that way–unless, of course, you have a nervous breakdown which does happen (my poor hubby!) but I think you have more sense than that (not calling the Spouse senseless–it’s complicated). Making lists helps me–I can write it all down and tackle one goal, wish or desire at a time yet still feel like the others that aren’t being addressed are still “there” and not being forgotten even if I can’t think about it all right this second.
Heidi Ashworth´s last blog post..It Just Isn’t Christmas Without Andy
by Heidi Ashworth on December 2, 2008 at 9:04 am. #
Oh, Kim. This is such a beautiful post.
I havent’ taken a first aid class. I think I’m avoiding such a thing because, as you say, facing the possibilities is terrifying. You word it so well, and inspire me to become better prepared ANYWAY.
by Brillig on December 2, 2008 at 9:48 am. #
does anyone ever really know what they want to do or be?
oy, i’m always having nightmares about jessamine getting hurt. always her, never max or the baby. i wonder why?
by Memarie Lane on December 2, 2008 at 10:08 am. #
Passion Party. ~snicker~
I love those moments when life is so clear. When you can be happy in who you are whether the kitchen sink is clean or dirty.
Fabulous post, as always, dahling!
by Eowyn on December 2, 2008 at 10:43 am. #
Those little gifts of realization are often the best gifts we receive. Hold on to that.
Heffalump´s last blog post..Monday Memory: Hot Water
by Heffalump on December 2, 2008 at 11:37 am. #
Oh, how I adore you!
by Novembrance on December 2, 2008 at 4:02 pm. #
I’m starting to wonder if I’ll ever NOT be totally in love with one of your blog posts. I’m in love again.
You articulate the battle of the human spirit SO well. I just love coming here to read, to feel validate and to validate, to be inspired, to learn. You rock the party.
by Heather of the EO on December 2, 2008 at 5:13 pm. #
You write what I’ve been feeling and trying to write. I just ended up whining a little :) Amazing how accurately your thoughts blend with my feelings. So much to do, so much to accomplish, but where to start? I’m glad you are finding happiness in the midst of life. Love you, dear.
by Erin on December 2, 2008 at 6:28 pm. #
I love those days, when we can see the gifts in our lives.
Hope that feeling sticks around for a while.
by Lisa Milton on December 2, 2008 at 6:42 pm. #
Your first paragraphs talked about confusion, but then as I was reading the subsequent paragraphs, I kept thinking, “but she IS being just who she should be, a wife, friend, mom, answer to prayer,”… so I was so happy when you saw it too in your conclusion. We are so much more than the things we wish we could do. And not just more, but even better sometimes. We all need to recognize more greatness in ourselves.
by Steph @ Diapers and Divinity on December 2, 2008 at 10:19 pm. #
This is so well-written, Kim! That is the task I face too, trying to find the best use of my limited time when so much presses for my attention. “All in good time, my pretty, all in good time.”
Jenna Consolo´s last blog post..Little Shepherd Boy
by Jenna Consolo on December 2, 2008 at 10:20 pm. #
I love this post. I feel like I just had a mad but lovely conversation with you. And I’d have been just the same over the cpr. Hugs.
by Jo Beaufoix on December 3, 2008 at 3:28 pm. #
A beautiful gift. You are on a roll girl! Eloquence abounding. ;)
by Jaina on December 3, 2008 at 3:29 pm. #
Happiness and contentedness with life is truly a gift.
Lately I have been living by Elder Wirthlin’s words, “Come what may and love it.”
Another gift? Your writing and friendship!
by An Ordinary Mom on December 5, 2008 at 12:38 pm. #
Beautiful! First, you ARE a blogging superstar.
Second, Your gift has now become our gift.
In every sense. Thank you for sharing all those images and insights.
by charrette on December 5, 2008 at 1:34 pm. #