Fighting the Good Fight
by Kym on December 4, 2008
It seems a bit cruel to leave my last post up for such a long stretch. No follow up. No details or explanations. Truth is that I, who am usually overflowing with annoying amounts of wordiness, just can’t find the words.
Ah, sweet irony. How you tickle the senses. Make us groan and giggle all in one go.
I sit at the keyboard lately and wonder why I’m here. What am I for? What is the end result of the hours and hours of time put here, and taken from…there. From everywhere else. You see, moderation just isn’t something I do. Neither is scheduling, though my yearning-to-be-organized brain thrills at the thought of it. I’m a groove wearer. A stuck-in-a-rut-er. A one track mind that keeps changing tracks.
And I really, desperately, want to change that about myself.
What I’m coming to realize is that the answer to my many confusions can’t be found by a google search, or stumbled across on the blog of an acquaintance or even that of a dear friend. There are insights galore, and so much wisdom to be had. I see it offered up like gifts in the comments on my last post, but they just slide through my fingers.
The only insight that can change me is one of my own. That sounds arrogant. Trite. But I need an epiphany, and those only happen in the inside of one’s head. Lucky for me, I’ve given you all a key.
The support, advice, and love of all of you have sort of condensed themselves in my brain, and I guess I need time to make sense of it all. To make sense of myself. Not that I’m going to do that between one blog post and another. It’s a life long sort of thing. And I’m not going to run away from the blogging world as if that’s the solution or the access to it. I think that’s where I go wrong sometimes. Always with the running. That’s me. Run. Hide. Deny.
I can’t deny things when I’m sitting here writing. It pours out and the backspace key seems limited to typos only. I can only be honest here, and perhaps that is why the urge to flee is so, so strong. I’m worried that I’ll face something I’m not ready for. I’m worried I’ll say something that will hurt someone. Offend. Alienate.
I spent so much of my life trying to be invisible, and I feel so vulnerable now. That’s the thing about hiding. You don’t step on any toes. You don’t make someone feel crummy because it’s taken you a month to find the brain power to answer the lovely email they sent you.
I crave a nervous breakdown so I can have an excuse. So I can shout, “It’s all too much!” and people will be gentle and understanding with me. Truth is, it isn’t too much at all. I’m a heck of a lot stronger than I once was. I have the time to do what I want to/need to/ought to. I just…don’t.
And I’m not sure why.
There’s so much I’m fighting against now, but it can all be summed up in one word. Me. I’m the one in my way. I’m the one creating the confusion and giving into the fear of confronting it. I’m the one who seeks mindless activities to fill my time and mind so I don’t have to deal with anything real. So I don’t have to write that important email, or leave a truly heartfelt comment on a blog. I’m the one shuffling music around on my playlist to escape my house and all the things I want to do and CAN do, but choose not to.
I’m the one.
That’s the ultimate truth of it all really. That’s the nasty secret I’ve been trying to hide from myself. This, is what being a grown up is, I think. It’s seeing that truth for what it is. And accepting it. Sadly, I’m only halfway there.
No, I’m not going to run. I’m not going to go on sabattical and pretend that giving up writing here will fix everything. Blogging is not the problem.
It’s the scapegoat.
24 comments
This is so well put and well thought through. So many women take a break from blogging because their house is a disaster and their kids are neglected. I think you are right that blogging is more of a scapegoat. Of course it’s possible to spend too much time blogging, but really, it’s all a matter of self control. I can blog for an hour and then get up to go wash dishes and, instead grab a snack from the kitchen and sit on the couch to watch TV “while I’m eating” which really means “I’m using the fact that I’m eating as an excuse to sit down and watch TV because I know very well that if there is something interesting on (there is!! Always! We have BBC Lifestyle!) I will stay for the whole program. Then later when I see that pile of dishes I might think “Man, I shouldn’t have spent so much time on the computer!”
That’s one of MANY examples, unfortunately. Like you, I need to sort myself out and learn to spin all those plates, but only the important ones, and none of them need to be spinning at light speed.
by LisAway on December 4, 2008 at 11:30 pm. #
True that…so very true.
I think for us logical types, we require an answer to why the day doesn’t go our way.
We read books on Prov 31, seek wisdom, pray, read self-help, organize, plan, chart, schedule and when we fail it’s easy to pick out our guilty pleasures as the first culprit when in reality our biggest enemy is not accepting that we are loved regardless. This is simply my personal experience.
I’m glad you aren’t going to leave us.
I was encouraged to look at the measure I used to gauge my production. I only say this because it’s one of *my* biggest challenges and I know what you’re going through. So whose measuring stick are you using? A friends? A parents? Those pesky Joneses?
I can only speak for myself and that realization has brought insight into my own vicious cycle of self worth means perform, means more time, blood, sweat and tears, means value of self to then turn and fail in production=now unworthy=no value/self worth.
You are brilliant. You are an outstanding mother and wife. Keep on seeking for the wisdom you need. It’ll happen. xoxo
by Bee Repartee on December 5, 2008 at 12:04 am. #
This blog is fascinating but a bit creepy. I started writing a blog without having read many other blogs. I’m trying to drum up business for my artwork and enjoying the challenge of a weekly writing exercise. This week I’m doing “a blog about a blog about blogs” and I’ll probably mention yours… it gets to the heart about what’s so damn weird about this medium. Good luck with it all!!!!
by Tom Edwards on December 5, 2008 at 3:13 am. #
VERY insightful post, my dear. I think I need to memorize it.
by Novembrance on December 5, 2008 at 3:30 am. #
Ah Kim. You can do it! Keep fighting!
by Summer on December 5, 2008 at 6:00 am. #
You’re exactly right of course . . . and if it weren’t blogging, it would be something else . . . *sighs* Thanks for the reminder that I need to step it up . . . ! :) *HUGS*
by Kate on December 5, 2008 at 6:31 am. #
Gosh, it’s amazing how much we struggle with the same things!
It’s hard to dig to the heart of the reasons why we do or don’t do things. When you feel you’re getting close to running, the important thing is to stand your ground. Don’t run. When you feel like running it means you’re close enough to make a breakthrough.
Another thing. Even though you want to answer everyone’s emails, it’s perfectly acceptable to write a post telling everyone that although you love us dearly, you’re behind and can’t in any way catch up. That you’re thankful for our love and you’re starting fresh. We all have lives and understand.
Those who don’t understand? Well, I would consider deleting them from a friend list.
by Rebecca on December 5, 2008 at 6:54 am. #
It’s easy these days to keep your mind occupied with so many different distractions. The good news is that you see it. You recognize it and you’re working on it. Isn’t that why we’re here? To get better, do better, be better. It’s a journey and not a destination and I fear we will be on it throughout our entire lives. There will be valleys and they will be deep but there will be hills and they will be oh so high. Live for those hills Kim. They are so sweet and if weren’t for the valleys there would be no hills to crest and stand on top of and shout “Neener neener, I made it”
by Tonya on December 5, 2008 at 7:11 am. #
I struggle a lot with the moderation thing, too.
I also struggle with running away from reality. Getting on the computer takes me out of “real life” and gives me something to think about besides all the craziness going on around me.
(Much of it probably caused my me and my lack of self control and/or ability to use moderation as a life skill.)
by JustRandi on December 5, 2008 at 7:15 am. #
oh my, blogging as the scapegoat. I SO get that.
by MomBabe on December 5, 2008 at 8:12 am. #
Kate said what I was thinking – if it wasn’t blogging, it would be something else – at least for me. I tend to find something and latch onto it and let it take over – my hiding place. One year I made quilts, which, really, was very productive. But, then I had quilts and nothing to do with them. They sat around looking sad and lonely and then I sold all of that hard work at a yard sale. How insane is that? Sigh… I regret it now. But, anyway, where was I? Oh yes… I think we all have the strength to pull away from these things, but, as you so eloquently said, it’s a scapegoat. Reality is a scary place. Blogging is so much safer and even though I have friends online, I’m not as emotionally invested here as I am in the outside world. Which means there’s less struggle and hurt. Total cop out, but hey, it’s what I need right now.
Melissa´s last blog post..
by Melissa on December 5, 2008 at 8:14 am. #
This one humdred percent the real truth. That’s more of my struggle. I CAN definitely do it all. I just don’t, but if I turned the computer off, I wouldn’t either, so I need to fix something besides the blogging. Like me.
Melanie J´s last blog post..How to make a flaky crust
by Melanie J on December 5, 2008 at 9:43 am. #
You do have a gift, Toots. And you are right, no matter how wise someone else may be, we can only learn from ourselves. You can’t teach a new dog old tricks, eh?
And I can definitely reate to the nervous breakdown. Except for me it’s more that I sometimes fantasize about being in a terrible accident so I can be laid up in the hospital with the good drugs for several days. However, I had pneumonia early this year, very bad pneumonia, and I learned the hard way that even something like that won’t necessarily get me any good drugs or even any freezer meals for that matter. Heck, I never even got breakfast in bed.
by Memarie Lane on December 5, 2008 at 9:45 am. #
“I’m a heck of a lot stronger than I once was.” Now that is brilliant insight. You ARE stronger. You ARE progressing. It just takes time to see how much you are learning.
So keep pressing forward and remember to cling to the important things in your life. Good, better or best. You choose. You CAN do it!
And blogging as a scapegoat? I so get that :) !!
by An Ordinary Mom on December 5, 2008 at 12:51 pm. #
Terrific post, Kim. I have seen you make enormous strides just in the six months or so I’ve known you here. That insight — that the real source of both our problems and our solutions is, well, ourselves — is one that some people never arrive at, and yet it is so key. It’s the central truth in The Peacegiver. And it’s an epiphany I have to learn, and relearn, over and over again. The first time it struck me was when I was late for a job interview when I had just turned 18. My alarm didn’t go off, I woke up late, and my initial response was to just blow it off rather than face the embarrassment of calling or showing up late. But then I stopped myself. I’m an adult now, I told myself. And adults take responsibility. I remember consciously choosing to handle that one situation with maturity, dignity…it was a real turning-point for me. I faced the music. I called the boss. He didn’t care one iota that I was running late. I moved the appointment, went in, and got the job.
I often try to apply that little epiphany to similar situations as they arrive…most importantly those involving relationships. Own the problem. Address it directly. Take responsibility. And make it right.
But twenty-some years later, it seems I’m STILL practicing growing up!
by charrette on December 5, 2008 at 1:24 pm. #
I am with you on this. I was thinking/obsessing just yesterday about something I wrote on my blog, worried that I had upset and offended someone. And I regularly type what I consider to be stupid comments, and then I start feeling like maybe I should just stop doing all of this blogging stuff because letting myself be out there and vulnerable to people’s judgments completely freaks me out.
But the friendships I have made are great too. What a conundrum!
by Erin on December 5, 2008 at 3:17 pm. #
Someone else, not sure who…up there in the comments, said something like “if it’s not blogging it’s something else.” Yes. Yes. And yes.
We don’t give ourselves a whole lot of space to be human and have faults. To have struggles. Addictions. Failings. But they’re a part of this life. We are both human and divine at the same time. That’s what makes life hard, I think. Because we KNOW that part of us that is divine and want so badly for it to be the whole of us. Thank God that one day we will be truly whole. For now there is beauty in the striving for it in this life. As hard as that may be.
(That probably made no sense…sorry, I’m tired :)
by Heather of the EO on December 5, 2008 at 7:48 pm. #
This is completely me right now. And something happened today and I for the first time in ages shook it off. I was doing things. All day. Doing things. I don’t know if it’s because I’ve made a commitment to take better care of myself lately or what it was but I got out of my own way and was productive. And I got a ton of stuff done today and it felt good.
(((Hugs))) I really get what brought this post about and I hope you can shake it off soon. You’re right when you say there are no magic solutions, but maybe just writing this post will give you the clarity to see beyond the procrastination and the fear and move towards who you want to be.
by Jen on December 5, 2008 at 8:42 pm. #
Sabbaticals are good. I take them all the time. Take your time, hon. Be happy!
Julie Wright´s last blog post..It’s against the law to sell your kids on ebay.
by Julie Wright on December 5, 2008 at 9:48 pm. #
I love how you sum it all up so nicely. And you are right, it is a life long process because once we get one thing down, there is always something else- sort of like laundry and dishes, no?
Sandra´s last blog post..Probable verdict
by Sandra on December 5, 2008 at 9:59 pm. #
Wow! Again…ME!! So, so me. Ah, Kim, what are we going to do with ourselves? :) (((hugs)))
by Erin on December 6, 2008 at 12:47 pm. #
A wise woman once told me that we fill ourselves up with things because there is a void that needs filling. Often the things we choose to fill up that void aren’t terribly appropriate (food, alcohol, drugs, etc.) We are all in the same boat–blogging is probably a better way to go than many others (I find that blogging is lots cheaper than buying myself stuff or other hobbies that require supplies like scrapbooking) but you are right, it is the void that is the problem. I think it easier on the self esteem to blame the void rather than myself. I also find it more useful. We all have one or more voids. What is the void we are trying to fill and what are the fruits of our choices? It takes the BLAME out of the scenario so that we are not so paralyzed with guilt and shame that we can’t move forward. Basically, you are just human. Like all humans. A way has been prepared. You’ll get there.
Heidi Ashworth´s last blog post..Confessions Of A Regency Miss
by Heidi Ashworth on December 6, 2008 at 1:44 pm. #
Very insightful Kim. And so very well written.
by Jaina on December 10, 2008 at 4:07 pm. #
Sorry I wasn’t here sooner hon. Hugs. Do whatever you need to do. I’ll be here.
Jo Beaufoix´s last blog post..Kiss your what?
by Jo Beaufoix on December 15, 2008 at 4:44 pm. #