…how it felt to run down the stairs, jump the last few steps, and land…without jiggling in uncomfortable ways.
…being able to walk without my knees groaning in protest.
…stepping into a public bathroom stall without having to employ contortionist like movements.
…fitting into the seat of an airplane without my hips being pinched.
…being able to wear button up shirts without flashing anyone.
…not being afraid to get dressed in the morning.
But I also remember being ashamed to look in the mirror. Hating my body. Feeling worthless. I remember slouching around hoping no one would notice me. Wishing at times that the earth would just swallow me up so I didn’t have to hurt anymore. I was always hurting. Always going over and over in my head all the evidence I had compiled of my own idiocy.
In many ways, I’m happier as a plumper version of myself. I’m older now. I’ve had a lot of life experiences which have taught me a lot of things. Like how size is no predictor of happiness. And that my favourite people to spend time with aren’t necessarily slender fashion model types. I’ve learned there are things that matter more and some of those things? I’ve totally got going on.
I’ve got a wicked sense of humor. I’m quirky and weird. I make damn good cookies. My kids love me, and Neil is pretty fond of me as well. I keep a nice home. I’m a fabulous hostess. I can sing and play piano and while I can’t dance, I dance with my whole heart. I care about people so much it hurts sometimes, and I love that about myself.
Somehow the fact that I’m not the dress size I want to be just isn’t important in the face of all this.
I’ve been going about this backwards. So many people have told me that. So many books. But I scoffed about it behind their backs a bit. Love myself first? Pish. I’m going to make myself into someone I CAN love…that’s what this is all about right?
Wrong. So wrong.
I remember being skinny. And I remember being miserable.
I remember losing forty-five pounds to get to where I am now. And it wasn’t the sight in the mirror or the smaller number on the labels of my clothes that made me happy. It was the incredibly indescribable feeling of accomplishment. Of having decided to do something and having done it. Having fought off the laziness and apathy that all too often dominate my life.
I’m going to keep fighting. Lately, despondency and despair seem determined to knock on my door. I crack it open and consider them. Feel them slip in and begin to overwhelm me. I’m not giving in to that this time. I’m slamming that metaphorical door. So much seems to be conspiring right now to convince me that it’s not worth the battle. But I will not be persuaded.
I’m striving for clarity here and that teaches me, reminds me, how good it can feel to fight.
No Trackbacks
You can leave a trackback using this URL: http://temporaryinsanitybykym.com/2008/12/i-remember/trackback/
26 Comments
I learned this the hard way before managing to lose 35 pounds. Unfortunately, the lesson got lost somewhere along the way, and now I need to re-lose 25 of them. Sigh. Good luck–you really are on the right track, but it isn’t an easy road, is it?
Annette´s last blog post..Feelin’ Like Christmas
You know, I’ve been struggling with depression seeping in lately. Yesterday I was fighting off tears as I was going through all the things I don’t do that make me a terrible mother.
Not the best mind set right now. Meh.
yay Kim!! I remember opening the door and welcoming the despair and despondency in. No more. And it is such a better feeling to look at the door and say “go away, you’re not welcome here.”
Love ya.
Sandra´s last blog post..Breaking news
YAY KIM! Well Said!
YES!!!!!!!! You figured it out! *does happy dance for you*
You get healthy because you love you . . . NOT because you WANT to love you . . . loving yourself MUST come first or there will be no real change!
love you! :)
Dancing with your whole heart? That’s the secret to everything right there. Good luck!
Melanie J´s last blog post..Dog food is on aisle 3.
Through your own self will you ever find true happiness. I went to a lecture and the lady giving it said something along this line:
If you think you’re life is good, I can always show you someone who has it better. If you think you life is bad, I can show you someone who has it worse. No matter where we are at in life, unless we are happy where we are, someone will have it better.
Kelline Boel´s last blog post..I am not going crazy!
Good comments. And it’s true. If we don’t love ourselves, we will never find the motivation to change. It’s a bit ironic.
Love you.
I wish the swings at the playground were more comfy to swing in. I don’t remember them ever being uncomfortable when I was young…
Heffalump´s last blog post..Monday Memory in the form of a Meme…
I really love both of your blogs. I love how honest you are. I also want to commend you on overcoming the hurt of the rude person who didn’t like your blog. You have a perception of things that is refreshing.
Brooke´s last blog post..To tell or not to tell
Keep fighting, lady! I’m duking it out with self-pity and apathy right now. But I know we will both conquer!!
Yes, it’s true. I suppose we ought to love ourselves first. I find you quite easy to love, just so you know.
Aaah, I missed your post that you have since deleted. Bummed about that.
But this one is so eloquently put. I barely remember what it was like not to jiggle. I was embarrassed Friday night talking to someone at the Christmas Cantata when I coughed and my tummy jiggled. I remember thinking “I could be Santa.”
I too feel better about myself overall now that I’m fat and older. If I could just balance it out with the weight, that would be awesome. I’ve gained 8 lbs in 3 weeks from pregnancy and being put on insulin, and I could cry. Especially since it took me a month and a half prior to that to lose 5.
Keep fighting. I’ll fight right alongside you. Love you!
“I’ve got a wicked sense of humor. I’m quirky and weird. I make damn good cookies. My kids love me, and Neil is pretty fond of me as well. I keep a nice home. I’m a fabulous hostess. I can sing and play piano and while I can’t dance, I dance with my whole heart. I care about people so much it hurts sometimes, and I love that about myself.” I am glad you are starting to see the bright light I always see when I think about you!
You are SO right about slamming that door. Bless you.
You are so brave to have slammed the door. It isn’t easy. And, yes fighting is good – I hope you are victorious, always!
Tessa´s last blog post..Shadow Shot Sunday – Iberian Wilderness….land and sea
Well said and you go girl! Wonderful post . . . and congrats on being POTD!
Lmerie´s last blog post..Wordless Wednesday – Light It Up!
Kim, I totally identify with this. I’ve been skinny, fat, and lost weight. I’ve felt miserable and unloveable. Right now I’m fighting despair, depression, and fear that accompanies all of that as it takes over your life.
I’m so glad you’ve found happiness and the courage to shut the door in misery’s face. You rock! Thank you for sharing all of this. And congratulations on making David’s Post of the Day! Well deserved!
Peace!
Lee
Lee´s last blog post..The 7 Unusual Things About Me Tag
This is my first visit to your blog…thanks to David @ AuthorBlog. You paint your story well!
~AirmanMom returning to her blog…
AirmanMom´s last blog post..Wednesday Hero 12/10/2008
Stay strong. Your inner beauty is always what matters most.
Came here via David, by the way. Congratulations on Post Of The Day!
“I crack it open and consider them” Love that! You are so on the right track! Anything worth fighting for is going to be a fight. It’s not supposed to be easy. If anyone can do it, it’s you–fight the good fight, that is, whatever the enemy.
Heidi Ashworth´s last blog post..My Seriously So Obsessed Substance Abuse Problem
wandered over from David’s link at authorblog. Never worry about what you look like – it’s other people’s problems if they think you are too large/small/short/tall. You have a man and family that love you for who you are and that is more than a lot of people have.
You sound such a kind loving person – that is what truly matters in life.
It IS easier to be lighter in your heart when you are lighter on your feet . . . but only if you get there the right way. Good luck to you . . .
Bee´s last blog post..Do you need a good (gingerbread) man?
You’re getting it right there Kim, just don’t let the knocking make you forget. Accomplishment is amazing :)
Yay. You’re starting to see what we see. x
Jo Beaufoix´s last blog post..Kiss your what?