So, So Not Worth It « Temporary? Insanity

So, So Not Worth It

by Kym on December 19, 2008

So I think that, mostly, I’m an idiot. This is a declaration that may get me in some small amount of trouble, because in doing so I’m pretty much going to be accusing the majority of the world population of being idiots as well.

Have you ever looked at your body, I mean, really looked? Squinted at the mirror, or lain on your back and prodded at the jiggly mass that is your belly? And have you had the thought that wow, you did that to yourself?

I think that way. All. The. Time.

The reason I call myself an idiot is that all the wincing, grimacing, groaning and sighing is sourced in one simple, fleeting thing. Taste. That briefest of flutters on the tongue. That quickly passing sensation of texture rolling about the mouth.

I traded up from a size eight to a size eighteen (twelve now) for that?!

Idiot.

And more than half the food I’ve downed in the last seven years? Crap. Absolute crap. Most of it, if I pause to reflect, hasn’t been all that enjoyable. Hasn’t been anywhere close to worth having stretch marks before I had kids. Or having a six year old little girl ask “Has you gots a baby in you?” when I didn’t, and wouldn’t for another two years. Or feeling old and dumpy while still in my twenties.

So not worth it.

Sometimes I wish life were more like retail. That I could flounce up to the returns counter and say, “Yeah, this attitude I tried out? Soooo not my colour, chick. Could we change it up for something a little more retro? How about some common sense. Oh yeah…I could totally go for some of that. Do you have it in blue?”

I took video clips of myself the other day, being completely mad like that, and whether the camera adds ten pounds or not, I did not like what I saw. I felt like I’d been sucker punched in the gut, to put it bluntly. Where did my cheek bones go? Do I always look that puffy? Is it my imagination…or have I gained weight in my nose? I swear it didn’t used to be that bulbuous.

And we’re headed into a season where food, both of the scrumptiously divine and junky varieties, will be readily available. There will be traveling, and visiting, and merry making. There will be gas station stops and drive thrus and oh-no-mum-you-made-my-favourite! experiences.

What I’m hoping I remember as I reach for what’s on offer is this, the question…

Is it worth it?

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22 comments

The answer, of course, is always no! Then why is it SO difficult to keep from eating those things? I think it’s sad and frustrating, but from a less emotional perspecitve I really find it to be fascinating. How can it be so hard? I don’t know, it just is. I also know, though, that even I am capable of keeping away, as I did it for a few years. I didn’t feel even remotely deprived, either. I just knew what foods I didn’t eat, and I didn’t eat them. I’m trying to get back to that place, but I find myself sneaking a bite and then 12 bites and then more of last night’s brownies every time I go into the kitchen. I hate that.

I really thought you looked great in the video. Really.

LisAway´s last blog post..Polish Christmas Traditions

by LisAway on December 19, 2008 at 1:36 am. #

yeah —> no. i am printing this and posting it on my oven over the holidays. because i’m riding the line of being tempted to have some baked goods (luckily, i don’t bake well, so it’s not a good prospect) versus just being good and not having an extra 5 pounds to lose in the new year.

oooooooh —->>> gotta tell ya. FREEZE the remaining brownies! yes! do it! individually wrap them, then freeze them. that way you only have one! i swear i’m going to probably try to remember to do this. actually, on monday, i’m buying like six boxes of weight watcher bars at the meeting, and am going to chop them up, freeze them, and voila! while the fam are gorging themselves on roses (cadbury’s chocolate), i’m going to be pacing myself with a PIECE of healthy sweetness. :) :) :)

that is my PLAN.

i ALMOST sent you some roses just there, but then i remembered myself and thought ‘no, you like kim. don’t give her another demon’. :)

seriously.

freezing.

holly´s last blog post..my reason for the season

by holly on December 19, 2008 at 2:13 am. #

also, i TOO thought you looked fantastic in the video. you know i’m one to always always always tell the truth. no. i always always always be completely serious. no. okay, i always always say stuff which may or may not be true. but this is true. TRUE!!!! you looked great. wish-i-was-sitting-with-you great. :)

holly´s last blog post..my reason for the season

by holly on December 19, 2008 at 2:14 am. #

Well, they say that “nothing tastes as good as thin feels” but I’m not so sure about that. I haven’t ever been thin to really know. Can I join the idiot club with you?

by Tonya on December 19, 2008 at 6:19 am. #

You looked great in your video!
One thing that really helps me from taking that “one more” or even “first bite” is this:
Going to the gym and seeing my est. burned calories log in on the treadmill.
I think, holy crap! That cheeseburger is 340 calories, I would have to walk/run for 20 minutes to burn that!
Is it worth it?
Then I think what else have I eaten today? If I want my calorie intake to remain at 1900 for the day, what am I at?
I know it’s not just about calories, but that’s what helps me.

by Abra on December 19, 2008 at 6:32 am. #

Portion control has never been one of my strong suits. I wish I could grab ONE handful of M&M’s or eat ONE piece of amazing yummy fudge… I think it’s all about being aware of what I put into my mouth. Working to make each bite a conscious movement rather than mindless.
Sigh
Good luck with figuring it out. If you do, let me know!
And I agree with the others… I thought you looked great in the video :)

Melissa´s last blog post..

by Melissa on December 19, 2008 at 7:44 am. #

Size 12 is GREAT! I am convinced the best diet in the world would be to numb your tastebuds. Isn’t that why we eat? Whenever I’m sick and lose my sense of taste I have no desire to eat. Could be the best weight-loss solution yet!

Amber´s last blog post..The economic downturn hits home

by Amber on December 19, 2008 at 8:19 am. #

Oh, the ongoing battle! I’m with Amber – let’s zap the tastebuds and most of us would be good to go.

Becky´s last blog post..Learning to receive

by Becky on December 19, 2008 at 9:21 am. #

Thanks for the reminder. I’ve done that so many times – taken one bite and thought to myself, “This is isn’t that good.” And then I continue to finish the portion anyway. I’m going to tape the phrase “Is it worth it” in my kitchen.

Stephanie´s last blog post..Keeping it Real

by Stephanie on December 19, 2008 at 9:24 am. #

I am large, but I don’t worry about it. I use to. It’s not worth it to me anymore. I enjoy life. I eat in binges, some healthy, some not. Sometimes I just don’t have enough time to eat! I never try to stuff myself full. I have had 5 pregnancies and my body has been so misshappen I hate to look. I figure I can still reach my toes, my butt doesn’t hang outta of my office seat, I’m alright.

Did anyone know that you can drink too much water???? My doctor said I was trying to drown myself………………

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by Kelline Boel on December 19, 2008 at 9:30 am. #

Good luck with that one – and join the club! I’m a little disgusted with myself this year too… we’ll see how I come outof it.

Jen´s last blog post..How Santa Saved My Sanity

by Jen on December 19, 2008 at 9:31 am. #

My name is Rebecca, and I am an idiot.

Really though, I’ve spent much time in anger at myself for what I’ve physically become. Anger for those times in my mid-twenties when I could have eaten much better. Anger that it’s so hard now and even when I eat healthily the weight doesn’t want to budge.

My kids have suffered (if that’s suffering!) since I rarely make anything sweet. They love it when I do, but I can’t have the temptation around so I don’t. It helps that M&Ms and such are pricey so I don’t buy them often. And now with diabetes, I can’t eat any of it. Rarely, anyway.

I read something sometime where they said to really pay attention to the junk you eat. Pay attention to how it feels in your mouth. Do you truly enjoy it, or is it just habit? This lady said that she used to down Hershey’s kisses by the bag until she tried this. When she slowed down and paid attention, she realized that she actually didn’t like them. She didn’t like the waxy feel to them. Once she realized that, she quit eating them. Funny how we do things out of habit.

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by Rebecca on December 19, 2008 at 11:12 am. #

I like the return counter idea. Also, the whole, most of it is crap thing. That really made me think. I’m working on some ideas to just get healthier post Christmas. I’m definitely going to keep these ideas firmly planted in my mind.

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by Jaina on December 19, 2008 at 11:15 am. #

I’m right there with you, Kim. And my problem is that I know I could eat more of what I like if I would just MOVE, and I can’t seem to care enough about myself to do that regularly. I try to remember how I felt when I felt my best and that is motivating to an extent, but why not permanently?! So frustrating, indeed.

Jenna´s last blog post..Go Ahead, Ask Me Anything

by Jenna on December 19, 2008 at 11:38 am. #

First off, you looked darling singing silent night. Loved it. Very sweet.
Second on, I agree about the taste, attitude return and is it worth it comment.
You are right on….I am living your “tude.”
DHEA– check it out online or at a health food store.
It’s saved my sanity.

by Melinda on December 19, 2008 at 12:14 pm. #

What? You thought you looked bad in that video?? I think you looked like a babe. Seriously and honestly. If I didn’t think so would I say it? You didn’t have the must-comment clause on this post, chica. ;-)

YOU ARE PRETTY. In still and in motion. ;-)

Enjoy the holidays — and enjoy a few bites of your favorites, too. Moderation is possible! (Though I will concede — gas station stuff = not worth it at all. Besides not tasting good it’s overpriced. :-P )

by Beth on December 19, 2008 at 1:19 pm. #

What Beth said. I was going to say all of that. :)

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by Heather of the EO on December 19, 2008 at 1:25 pm. #

OH MY GOSH! I totally think those things! Like, my EARS got fat or something. so weird.

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by MomBabe on December 19, 2008 at 1:43 pm. #

Ouch! But I so needed that hit over the head. I went from a size 4 to a size 12 in 6 months…I blamed my thyroid…but I do eat way too much junk.

by BecomingMe on December 19, 2008 at 2:38 pm. #

Try to only eat what you LOVE. And don’t buy too much of it!

tracey´s last blog post..Ahem. BIG time…

by tracey on December 19, 2008 at 3:17 pm. #

Ack weight schmate, you’re gorgeous, and the song was fab. I voted for you hon. Have a wonderful Christmas, a safe journey and some good times to tell us all about. MWah. xxx

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by Jo Beaufoix on December 20, 2008 at 10:43 am. #