Turning thirty was something I eagerly anticipated. I looked forward to leaving my troubled twenties behind. To being able to remember my age because it’d be a round number again. I saw it as something to be obscurely proud of. How old are you (how far have you come in life)? I’m thirty (I’ve survived thirty years and am still basically sane).
I don’t know if it’s the age change or plain ole coincidence, but there’s something about this year of my life that’s different. We’re not talking the difference of a few wrinkles or grey hairs starting to make themselves known, I mean fundamental, at the very core sort of differences. So many things in my life have crystallized. What was once fuzzy and muddled suddenly begins to make sense. I find myself laughing off things I used to weep over (and conversely, some days, weeping over things I used to laugh off). I feel like the Grinch must have felt when his heart suddenly grew several sizes. Everything is…more. More clear. More intense. More important. More fulfilling. More joyful.
I find myself listening more, whereas normally I spend the downtime in a conversation planning out in my head what I’m going to say next (a relic of my shy days, when conversation was akin to exquisite torture). I feel more empathetic, and find myself crying over other people’s pain more than my own. When I find access to happiness, I laugh more, tease more, sing more, dance more. And overall? I’m learning more.
I spent much of my youth fearing and hence avoiding growing up. I put off getting my driver’s license. Put off getting my first job. Avoided deep friendships. Kept myself to myself.
Why didn’t anyone tell me how wonderful it can be? What joy there is in the fulfilling of responsibilities. In realizing that you don’t have to do certain things but when you do, it can feel amazing. In learning simple lessons that open your eyes in painful but beautiful ways.
I had an eye opening moment the other day. Much of my time lately has been consumed by working on the manuscript of my first novel. I winced when I began reading through it again. I could see so much that needs changing and improving, and I could also see which of those things I had the skill to change and which I didn’t. I’m realizing my life is a bit like that right now. I can see so much that needs improving, and I know that I haven’t learned enough to fix it all yet.
Now, I can panic and stress over that lack of knowledge, or I can find joy in seeing how much I can change. How much better I can make things.
As I work on my manuscript and watch it improve, I know it’s not what I want it to be. But it’s better. It’s oh so much better. And I am excited by that knowledge. I did that! I made it better! (With the help of my dear friends Dedee, Rebecca, Sarah and Holly, who freely offer their input)
Life is like that manuscript. We can find joy in making it better. Not perfect. Not a gluttinous feast at Instant Gratification’s table. But simply, happily, better.
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25 Comments
Thank you for this. This is just what it has come down to for me. Most of the things that have been causing me so much trouble lately have sprung for the realization of things I have been doing wrong, or not doing at all. I am starting to change them, and realizing that, while I still seem so far from where I want to be, it is getting BETTER.
LisAway´s last blog post..Up Lifting
Beautifully written. Very insightful.
NorahS´s last blog post..Ten on Tuesday
I think it’s beautiful that you’re discovering all this — and at such a young age, too. If we think life’s going to be perfect (which I often wish it was) we’re doomed for disappointment. We’re works in progress, just like your story.
Sarah´s last blog post..Baby Steps
And life only gets better; just wait until you hit forty!
Novembrance´s last blog post..There Is a Doctor in the House
Lovely again, as always. It’s often like you are talking to me across the breakfast-bar with a cup in your hand. You create an atmosphere that is both intimate and yet very free. It is never nice to see nice people in pain, but it is bloody fantastic when you can see nice people grow and change and you get to see that if you thought they were a lovely addition to the human race before… well, you just ain’t seen nothing yet. The sun shines a little bit brighter coz it knows the light will fall on you.
I loved turning thirty. But now I’m 35. I’d like to stop aging now, please.
Annette´s last blog post..Extra! Extra!
You’ve have a way with words Kym. That was well put and touchy. Thank you, another aging woman.
Kelline Boel´s last blog post..Intentions!
Better is good :-) I have enjoyed my thirties other than my metabolism changing on me–very rude.
Josi´s last blog post..Blonde Moment # 10,569
Better is worthy, attainable. Perfection is a farce, you know.
I like 30 on you.
Lisa Milton´s last blog post..quiet
I love the thirties. It’s been so much more fantastic than any other age. Except maybe the 5-8 -ish years. Those were fun, too.
Melanie J´s last blog post..Is there a problem, officer?
What great thoughts, both in your post and in the comments it inspired. I love that feeling of suddenly realizing that it doesn’t have to be all or nothing. It’s a little of something workings towards a little more of something.
I think that was one of President Hinkley’s biggest messages. Try a little harder to be a little better and it will take care of itself.
Eowyn´s last blog post..A New Years Meme
Being a little better is all we can ask for. That’s how we make the big changes.
There is something about turning 30 that makes us introspective, isn’t there? I dreaded it for so long, but now that I’m finally here it’s quite nice.
And just so you know, I’m really loving the manuscript. If I haven’t told you that before! ;)
You’re a special gal, Kim. I’m so glad to call you friend.
Rebecca´s last blog post..C-a-a-n You Feel the Love To-n-i-i-i-g-h-t
Oh, you give me hope on this day when I so badly need it! I’m inspired to keep going and make the best of things, and to quit being so hard on myself and others.
It’s much appreciated.
Becky´s last blog post..Q & A: part 2
Why didn’t anyone tell you how wonderful it could be? They probably did and you weren’t ready to listen. (-: I think you just discovered a chapter from the book of wisdom. Some never even open the cover.
I’m 39 – will turn 40 in September. Every decade just seems to be getting better, so I can’t wait to see what the 40’s will bring!
Debbie S.´s last blog post..Yak Razors
That IS better. :)
Jaina´s last blog post..Photostory Friday: Craftsmanship
Ah-ha! I finally figured out how to leave a comment over here! I did not stop reading you, believe me!
I’m glad you’ve welcomed 30 with all it’s positive changes. I’ve enjoyed my 30’s so far, though they started out pretty rough. They were still excellent growing years, and I’m definitely coming into my own. It’s a good feeling.
Jenna´s last blog post..Mama Mia!
I remember having a lot of these same realizations when I turned 30, although you have written them down a lot more eloquently than I ever could :) !!
“I could see so much that needs changing and improving, and I could also see which of those things I had the skill to change and which I didn’t.”
Such a brilliant analogy. Right now I really need to focus on what I can change, and leave the rest to the Lord.
An Ordinary Mom´s last blog post..Stride Rite: Natural Motion Early Walking Shoes
I love how can put words to the emotional process of growing up/growing into yourself. Well done. And though not specifically stated, it’s a beautiful tribute to grace as well.
Steph @ Diapers and Divinity´s last blog post..Well, push my buttons and toot my horn!
I know just what you mean. You put into word perfectly how I feel about aging. Thank you… again.
Chelsea´s last blog post..Fire In the Sky
Beautifully said, as always!
Heidi Ashworth´s last blog post..The Great And Terrible Mr. Wii Fit
I think 30 suits you.
Almost gives me the emotional confidence to edge my way beyond 29. :)
charrette´s last blog post..I am 29. (Don’t laugh.)
Thank you for all the wonderful birthday wishes, by the way! You were the first (of several) who carefully, happily, thoughtfully managed to make my whole day!)
charrette´s last blog post..I am 29. (Don’t laugh.)
Somehow I always feel like I’m treading water when I read your posts. And I always walk away refreshed.
And it’s all true. Really.
Rebecca – That Girl from Brazil´s last blog post..This one’s a toughie
It’s so great to discover you can do more and be more. And not only that, but be a better person as well. So liberating. I also wish I’d discovered that sooner.
Summer´s last blog post..Someone to laugh and fake cry with
I’m hoping that’s how 30 hits me. Better. I enjoy watching you grow and imparting wisdom to us, the masses. You are so brave and beautiful and wonderful and I love learning from you :) xoxo
Erin´s last blog post..fear