Negative
by Kym on January 24, 2009
It makes you feel awkward. I know it does, because I’ve felt that. I’ve been in that feet shuffling, not-quite-knowing-what-to-say but wishing-I-could-find-the-PERFECT-words position so many times myself. It’s hard facing the grief and sorrow in another woman’s face, voice, or words. You want to take it away. Just make it be gone. But for whatever reason it’s not time for the sadness to end. Once again, the single line has to be faced.
Not pregnant.
I didn’t cry this month, which surprised me. I wondered if maybe I was numb inside, but no, I don’t think I’ve suffered enough for that. The sadness is still there. A deep well of it that sometimes sinks, sometimes rises. I never know when it will rise. The negative pregnancy test this week did nothing to me at first. I stared at it for awhile. Set it down. Came back a few minutes later, just to be sure. Still negative. I tossed it in the bin. It fell through the brown cylinder of an empty toilet paper roll. Swoosh. Thunk.
I pulled out my pads. Laid a few in the basket on top of the toilet. I could already tell I would need them soon. Another instance of life’s irony.
Later, Emma drew a picture of a baby, and told me quite pragmatically that someone had stolen our baby. That he was hiding and we had to find him. I smiled. Hugged her. Calmly changed the subject. Becca climbed into my arms later that day and pretended to be a baby and asked me to sing her Rockabye. I smiled and sang to her. Rocked her in my arms and stroked her cheeks and cooed at her. I was okay. I was feeling strong.
Later still, Emma and Becca were playing together. It hit me suddenly how clearly Becca is beginning to speak. How much longer and more complicated her sentences are becoming. How she’s enunciating words she used to slur. Tears welled, but I willed them back. She turns three on Tuesday. Why a number should mean so much, I don’t know, but it pricks at me.
Every month, that well of sadness stretches deeper down inside of me. Strangely, I am grateful for that depth. Life can be shallow if we let it be. And I think perhaps I would have let it, given the option. The option is gone though. Laziness and self-indulgence circumvented. I can never look at another woman longing for a child without a stirring in the depths. Without some amount of understanding.
Empathy is the gift I’m given in exchange for the sadness. And I think it a bargain.
32 comments
Oh, hon, this breaks my heart. Thinking of you.
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by Annette on January 24, 2009 at 5:41 pm. #
I agree about the bargin….it doesn’t make it much easier in the moment though. All my love!!
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by Jenn on January 24, 2009 at 9:03 pm. #
*HUGS*
I know how you feel . . . any time you want to talk, I’m here . . . if it’s to discuss “what comes next”, or to just cry about our shared grief . . . I’m here . . .
I love you.
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by Kate on January 24, 2009 at 10:57 pm. #
:( Hugs
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by Melissa on January 24, 2009 at 11:06 pm. #
I’m so sorry, Kim, but I admire your insight. Good luck.
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by Josi on January 25, 2009 at 8:31 am. #
Beautiful.
I’m sorry. And in awe of your perspective.
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by Heather of the EO on January 25, 2009 at 9:04 am. #
Oh, I just love this! Way to go, girl! I, too, know how it feels–my kids are 19, 14 and 7–lots of babyless years in there. . . .and I am grateful for knowing what it feels like, too–as well as a number of other hardships. I would much rather have the empathy than the lack of those experiences. It’s why we’re here. How can we inherit all that He has and not have paid a price? We would feel pretty darn uncomfortable and unworthy. And we would be right to feel that way.
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by Heidi Ashworth on January 25, 2009 at 10:35 am. #
So sorry.. Love.
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by tracey on January 25, 2009 at 10:43 am. #
I have so been there. Thanks for sharing it. It helps. I think.
xo
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by C on January 25, 2009 at 11:03 am. #
I’ve been on the other side of the feet shuffling many many times. I know it’s hard. It seems the whole world is pregant, even the men..LOL It does help to talk to those who know and have felt those emotions.
by Tonya on January 25, 2009 at 11:15 am. #
You’re in my thoughts and prayers, love. The right thing will happen.
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by Novembrance on January 25, 2009 at 1:42 pm. #
I’m sorry Kym.
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by Summer on January 25, 2009 at 7:25 pm. #
I’m so sorry, Kim. I really, truly am. I don’t know what else to say except I love you and am here for you .
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by Rebecca on January 25, 2009 at 7:50 pm. #
I keep trying to tell myself this, too, that the hard experiences we have are all “for our good” like it says in the Doctrine and Covenants. It’s true but it’s still hard to look at it that way.
*hugs* to you. I’m so sorry.
by Beth on January 25, 2009 at 10:31 pm. #
I’m so sorry! It is a great thing to recognize the empathy that you are gaining. It will help you someday. I hope you are able to have another baby when the time is right!
I just wish that fewer lessons had to be learned through pain!
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by Tirzah on January 26, 2009 at 7:34 am. #
Sorry that it wasn’t two lines.
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by Tracy on January 26, 2009 at 7:47 am. #
Loves!
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by Eowyn on January 26, 2009 at 9:16 am. #
Oh I’m so sorry. I hope everything works out for you in that department. Our girls are the same age. Isabelle just turned three this past Tuesday. Best wishes!
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by KieraAnne on January 26, 2009 at 9:32 am. #
“I’m sorry” is the most shallow, empty, meaningless thing we can say – and yet I’ll still add my “I’m sorry” to the pile.
Because I truly am.
And I have that empathy, too.
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by Rebecca - That Girl from Brazil on January 26, 2009 at 9:38 am. #
No words. Just love.
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by Jenna on January 26, 2009 at 11:11 am. #
if i were near you, i’d come over and hug you, even knowing it would change things, or make it better.
by elaine on January 26, 2009 at 11:50 am. #
Poignant writing and fabulous insights here, my dear. I’m especially fond of that last line: “Empathy is the gift I’m given in exchange for the sadness. And I think it a bargain.”
Reminds me of a favorite Neal A. Maxwell quote: “Empathy in agony is a portion of divinity.” Truly the refiner’s fire is reshaping your heart into something astonishingly beautiful.
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by charrette on January 26, 2009 at 1:05 pm. #
I’m sorry. But your body knows what to do. It will do it when it’s ready. When it’s time. It’ll happen. I know it.
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by Melanie J on January 26, 2009 at 2:53 pm. #
I’m so sorry. Isn’t it interesting, though, how life’s experiences can make us either bitter or empathetic? I’m so glad you choose empathy. It looks beautiful on you!!
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by JustRandi on January 26, 2009 at 3:32 pm. #
“. . . I am grateful for that depth. . . ” Amazing. Thanks for sharing, and I hope next month is better.
pam at beyondjustmom´s last blog post..the big picture
by pam at beyondjustmom on January 26, 2009 at 7:02 pm. #
Hello you.
Do you have strangers in your house right now? This minute? How is that working out. I hope it is an adventure.
hehehe.
What is this thing in us that makes us want/need babies so badly? I don’t know. But I am sorry it is hurting you.
Maybe the strange people in your house will cheer you up?
by Dapoppins on January 27, 2009 at 10:41 am. #
Hello. . . .
Going through this right now. Mixed with loads of fear and anxiety. (First time trying after a miscarriage.) I’m saying too many prayers to count that my heart will be calm and I can truly trust Him. The waiting is what kills me. Oh, and the fear and the worry and the anxiety and . . .
I’m sorry for you, and for all of us who want. That ache is a God-given desire just smoldering inside of us. . .
by Nichole on January 27, 2009 at 5:44 pm. #
Sorry my comment drops in so late in the game. Your writing and insight here are profound. Love that last line. Sometimes I wonder if God lets certain things happen to us in life because there are specific feelings he wants us to feel, to be familiar with, to know how to succor. I imagine he has some plans for you to stand in His place when someone else feels it too. I can tell you will do it well.
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by Steph @ Diapers and Divinity on January 27, 2009 at 5:47 pm. #
You have such beautiful, kind little girls.
Jaina´s last blog post..A Few Notes
by Jaina on January 29, 2009 at 11:07 am. #
There’s not much more I can say, but know that God knows your pain. And His timing is perfect.
(((HUGS)))
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by An Ordinary Mom on January 29, 2009 at 2:24 pm. #
Thank you for taking time to process your thoughts and share them. Obviously, your insights are helping many already. And when your little girls are looking at that negative result a few years from now, you will have the empathy and experience to continue to be a blessing to them.
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by Roxy on February 1, 2009 at 12:53 pm. #
I had to go searching through your blog again because I just wondered if this was part of the reason you felt down today — and sheesh, I remember this post, but I hadn’t put two and two together that it was so close to the due date of your pregnancy that ended in miscarriage. I’m sorry it’s been nine months now.
I only very-vaguely eluded to it on my blog (as in, “I haven’t been feeling too great lately” sort of posts), but I had a recent miscarriage. It happened the day after Christmas. I’m feeling lots and lots better now — but I think it will really sting in the beginning of August, thinking about the baby I thought I would be having. I can’t help but hope I’ll be pregnant by then to assuage that pain. So I’m very sorry you’ve been trying since your miscarriage last spring and yet it hasn’t materialized.
And I’m sorry if this hasn’t been on your mind at all and yet here it is — fresh and raw again because of my comment. But having had some experience, I thought it would be better to say something, and know that I’m thinking of you, than to not say anything at all.
Love you, Kim.
by Beth on February 15, 2009 at 5:21 pm. #