Tired of Pretending…
by Kym on January 23, 2009
…or possibly just plain tired. We received a phone call last night from a family who will be in our area this weekend to attend a cross-country skiing race. They’re members of our church and wanted to know if anyone in the local congregation could put them up for the weekend. Neil’s response was, “I’m sure we have room for you, let me look at my wife here and see if she nods her agreement…”
I stuck my tongue out at him. And then nodded. I’m self-sacrificing like that.
Trouble is, my focus this past week has been organization. I’ve been cleaning out closets, reorganizing drawers and cupboards, and tossing all manner of junk and miscellany whenever my dear pack rat of a husband isn’t looking. I can now open just about any drawer or closet in this house with the sure knowledge of what is actually contained therein. It gives me a warm fuzzy feeling, it really does.
Problem is, my house is full of warm fuzzies. Of the cobwebby variety, and the lint in the corners of the bathroom variety, and the dust collected on top of the piano variety to name a few. There’s also sticky fuzzies on the kitchen floor and under the dining room table. A red crayon stain on the couch. Carpets which I swear I can see moving out of the corner of my eye, it having been so long since they were last vacuumed.
The house is approaching tidiness, but it’s filthy.
So we have four complete strangers arriving tomorrow night for dinner, and staying the weekend in our home. Cue instant panic, right? Such things tend to throw me into a frenzy of stress and activity. Beds to be made, a basket of clean towels and pretty toiletries to be gathered, chocolates for the pillow, and so forth. Not to mention good food and a sparkling clean home and a perfectly coiffed ME.
All in the space of 48 hours.
Yes, you may laugh at the absurdity of my thinking to do so much in so short a space of time. Laugh away, dear readers, in hopes that I may hear it and be further resolved to do nothing of the sort. That’s right, I’m not doing it. I’m not going to race about like mad scrubbing and mopping and dusting and baking and sweeping and washing and whatever else. I’m not going to try to shove a week’s worth of work into a day and then collapse sobbing on the couch because I can’t do it.
This has long been my pattern, and poor Neil looks on completely baffled by it all. Not understanding the ties between a woman’s self-worth and the condition of her home.
I’m severing the ties this weekend. I’m too tired. I’ve worked hard this week, and I’m glad I focused on what I did because it desperately needed to be done. And I’m not going to sacrifice my sanity and happiness or that of my family for the sake of people I don’t know and SHOULDN’t care about the opinion of.
So instead of working tonight, I took the night off after a long day. I folded laundry and chatted with Neil as he played a new Wii game. I read a book. Put some laundry through. Made a few beds and laid out some towels. And left it at that. I let it go.
I don’t need to pretend in order to feel good about myself. I’ve been telling myself that lie for a long time now. Pretending to be someone I’m not just makes me doubt myself and dislike myself all the more.
My name is Kimberly VanderHorst and my house is DIRTY. You could eat of the floor, but only because there is already food on it. Take me as I am or leave me, because heaven knows I can’t leave me, so that only leaves one option…
To accept myself. To stop pretending not just to others, but to myself.
There. Hurdle jumped. I’m ready for the next lesson.
32 comments
Oh boy do I hear you! For me it’s always scrub, scrub, scrub until I collapse in a wreck just in time for the guests to arrive. Even if the house was tolerably clean before, I just MUST have everything FRESHLY scrubbed for company. It’s pretty silly. I hope you’ve figured it out and can be okay with your house not sparkling top to bottom this time (people you don’t know are great to practice on!). I actually wrote a post when I was feeling very much the same way you have been. (or at least the last half of it, anyway)
Good luck!
LisAway´s last blog post..Okay, Here’s What You Do
by LisAway on January 23, 2009 at 5:03 am. #
Wow, you put chocolate on pillows for guests normally? I’ve never even stayed at a hotel nice enough to do that. My advice is to lower your expectations. Of course, like all mediocre advice, much easier said than done. Plus they don’t know you, but even if they did, they’re just grateful they have somewhere to stay for free. They probably wouldn’t mind if you made THEM clean the house, as long as it’s for free. I know that I wouldn’t mind, if I were in their shoes.
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by Thora on January 23, 2009 at 5:13 am. #
You’ve touched on a huge pet peeve of mine. When we lived in Manhattan, we got calls like this constantly. Why people in our culture think it’s okay to use local congregations as Bed & Breakfasts, calling and expecting full service with mere days’ notice seems to me to be the height of inconsideration. Get a hotel, people. If you can’t afford the trip without obtaining self-reliant housing, don’t go. Grrrrrrrrrrrr.
Novembrance´s last blog post..Resources for Writers
by Novembrance on January 23, 2009 at 5:29 am. #
PS–I’m proud of you.
Novembrance´s last blog post..Resources for Writers
by Novembrance on January 23, 2009 at 5:30 am. #
Great post.
Not understanding the ties between a woman’s self-worth and the condition of her home.
What a great way to put it.
Good luck with the non-cleaning. One way to think of it is that if the house is dirty they aren’t likely to come back.
And your night off doesn’t sound like much of a night off. Still working (not that I don’t understand, just saying things to you that I should say to myself!!)
Tracy´s last blog post..Simply put
by Tracy on January 23, 2009 at 5:49 am. #
I’m okay at keeping things like laundry and dishes at least usable…but the bathroom and kitchen floors are always in such sad shape!
It is the hardest to stop fooling ourselves!
It’s true, though…you’re not your house! Plus, your house says that you love your family…at least you made some food for there to be some on the floor!
Tirzah´s last blog post..Doodle’s Six Months Old
by Tirzah on January 23, 2009 at 5:54 am. #
Hey I think you’re doing great! I agree with Thora, that I’d be willing to clean if it meant I got free housing, but still. :) That doesn’t change how YOU feel about it. I think you should continue just as you are. You’ve worked so hard all week… why kill yourself just to please some strangers?
Sarah´s last blog post..Baby Steps
by Sarah on January 23, 2009 at 5:56 am. #
Woohoo!!! Way to go Kim. I love it. These people will just be glad to have a place to stay with such warm and wonderful people. I’m proud of you.
by Tonya on January 23, 2009 at 6:38 am. #
I so love this! This is the story of my life. Including the resignation.
charrette´s last blog post..Yes, Virginia, there IS a Mrs. Santa Claus
by charrette on January 23, 2009 at 6:38 am. #
I may be in the minority on this one, but I purposely don’t go out of my way to make everything sparkling when guests are coming over. I do pick up the clutter and try to have things put away, but I never scrub and make things shining and sparkling. I’m not good at pretending and I’d rather have them know our house the way we live in it. There are some exceptions and I clean more than other times because I want to, like it needed to be done anyway and having guests is a good excuse, but for the most part I just want to make sure that there’s a comfortable place for them to sleep and shower, and some clear spots on the couch so they can sit. And with it being strangers and all… who cares?! Worst case scenario: they think it’s a dump and they don’t want to come back…. phew, what a relief!
Steph @ Diapers and Divinity´s last blog post..Why I should shower and put on make-up and stuff
by Steph @ Diapers and Divinity on January 23, 2009 at 6:39 am. #
Wait. You mean I can just call up the bishop of wherever I’m going to visit and ask to stay with someone rather than get a hotel? I have never heard of this before!
I think that must take a special kind of chutzpa.
I won’t say this out loud in my house, but I will tell it to you. I HATE having houseguests. Especially if it’s not my idea.
Wow.
JustRandi´s last blog post..Friday Flair- Could It Be More Random?
by JustRandi on January 23, 2009 at 7:05 am. #
Congrats, Kim! You are on the road to recovery. Embrace yourself, you are in for a bumpy ride that will have good memories along the way.
Kelline Boel´s last blog post..Guilt?
by Kelline Boel on January 23, 2009 at 7:19 am. #
Good for you! And there were a couple of lines in there that totally cracked me up! Are you linking this to Sue’s funny friday carnival? (Can I come eat off of your floor? I’m hungry.)
Heidi Ashworth´s last blog post..It’s Raining And You Know What THAT Means
by Heidi Ashworth on January 23, 2009 at 7:30 am. #
I’m going anon for this, because I don’t want to get flamed, but honey, get some household help. I don’t know what it costs in Canada, but here in the states it’s $10-12 per hour. Have someone come in 2-3 hours a week to clean the bathrooms and mop the floors. It’s a huge stress reliever. Then you know the bathroom is always clean, even if you’re having a busy week with the kids, or company, or whatever.
by Anon on January 23, 2009 at 7:34 am. #
p.s. Full disclosure. Jeff had somebody picking him up for a film shoot at 7am. And he wasn’t quite ready when the doorbell rang. So it became my job to stall. Here’s how much I don’t pretend any more. I answered the door with a smile not quite big enough to mask my messy hair and bad breath, all the while rejoicing that my pajamas were clean, matching, and modest. I ushered him in and offered him a seat in the living room, joining him for a brief, uncoiffed visit…only to discover that the dog had already made the rounds, dragging a pair of sneakers, a pair of dirty underwear, and (alas) a tampon wrapper into his personal lair in the living room! Okay, well, we’re not usually anywhere NEAR that bad, but I smiled and made conversation while I HOPED against hope this guy would not notice what was right next to my chair!
charrette´s last blog post..Yes, Virginia, there IS a Mrs. Santa Claus
by charrette on January 23, 2009 at 7:50 am. #
I mean you and your Religion NO offense (truthfully, with respect)… but COME ON! I’m Catholic, and the LAST thing I would think to do before a trip is to CALL MY LOCAL DIOCESE for a reco on a place to stay in another City. If I did, I would expect to be laughed right off the telephone! I mean, I could understand if the family had ZERO dollars and had to travel to an unfamiliar city for a funeral or serious illness of a loved one… But for luxury, we-can-afford-to-take-our-whole-family-skiing-look-at-us-Whee-here-we-go… SKI TRIP? I say, Get a room… And, PAY FOR IT, not PRAY for it!!
Hum… I say that Wii-playing, darling husband of yours needs a lesson in Protecting his beautiful, eager-to-please, over-worked/spread-too-thin-as-it-is-wife. Either that, or you need to stop keeping from him how much strain these requests create for you. What about Boundaries and putting-our-family-first?
Kym, you are a Saint! I sure hope they put a check-mark next to your name on the Church roster to indicate that you’ve done your good deed for the Year and they move to the next family on the Church hotel list for the next time the Church is called to make lodging arrangements.
Church travel agency. Wow! That’s a new one for me. Must be a good gig, if you can get it!
by Stunned Janet said: on January 23, 2009 at 7:53 am. #
I’m working on that, too… it’s hard, though.
VirtualSprite´s last blog post..lost in space
by VirtualSprite on January 23, 2009 at 8:05 am. #
Okay… I’m gonna write this in segments. First of all, congrats on letting it go!! I too came to this point where I decided that I wasn’t going to let others dictate how my home looked. It is what it is. And now… I just have to say….
Wait… WHAT?? Perhaps I misunderstood… but let me see if I got this right. Members of the church called and asked if they could use you as a hotel for the weekend?? Are you serious? Please tell me you are joking… I have never heard of such a thing. EVER. If I’m going somewhere for VACATION I pay for a HOTEL. That’s why they have them!
And finally… GIRL! You gotta learn to say NO!!! You sound like you’re worn down and tired. You are not REQUIRED to entertain EVERYONE!! Tell your hubby to lay off of inviting people over for awhile. I’m afraid that I wouldn’t be as gracious as you. If my husband had done what yours did… he would be sleeping on the couch.
Okay. I’m done… I’m glad you came to this balance, but this post really frustrated me. :( Sorry.
by Melissa on January 23, 2009 at 8:45 am. #
Wow – 16 comments already and only ONE that even MENTIONED the lack of respect Neil shows to you. I haven’t been reading this blog more than a week or two, but that’s TWICE he’s made decisions that effect both of you – and really, you much MORE than him – without even consulting you. How disrespectful and how rude.
I don’t know either of you, really, so perhaps he’s a fantastic man with other qualities that you love profoundly. And no one is perfect, of course. But personally, I would have a hard time living with someone who treated me that way. Sounds like he’s out to impress everyone (sure, you can come two hours early! sure you can stay with us!) except his partner.
As for the crux of it – the cleaning. GOOD FOR YOU to let it go – AND feel ok with that. I try to straighten regularly and I clean when I feel like it! I always invite people in, but if they came without notice, it’s their problem if they are bothered by the mess!
I grew up in a middle class house full of clutter because my mom couldn’t throw anything away. There was an entire room upstairs so full of stuff that you couldn’t see the floor or walk into the room – and every closet looked like that. As a result, I consider myself an recovering clutteraholic – and do my best to quickly tackle the piles that accumulate rather than shoving the stuff in a brown bag and shoving the brown bag into a closet or other room (as my mom did). But sometimes, I’m ready for a break, so the clutter builds up. It’s an endless cycle.
My home-based business makes enough to pay for a cleaning person once a month, which I’ve had since just before I ended up on bedrest with my second child. I’d wanted to hire someone for a while but it seemed so – indulgent. Like something only rich people did and we are NOT rich. But when I was on bed-rest, it was a god-send and we so enjoyed having someone ELSE clean the bathrooms and kitchen floor that even when I was able to do it, my husband said, “Let’s keep her coming!”
I’ve only had three cleaning ladies in 7 years, but my last one just went back to a factory job, so I am cleaning-lady-less right now. Needless to say, I could create a large dog with the dog hair on the floor! I am going to look for a new person to just do bathrooms and the kitchen floor. The kids are older now, and actually enjoy dusting and vacuuming, but no one ever wants to clean floors or bathrooms. (-:
by Debbie S. on January 23, 2009 at 8:50 am. #
It’s a good thing Neil’s such a sweetie in other respects, right?
Congrats on, at least for today, learning to let it go a little.
Eowyn´s last blog post..The Gettysburg Gospel
by Eowyn on January 23, 2009 at 9:28 am. #
Yay!! I’m so proud of you. Now, to work on me…
Becky´s last blog post..Leave my kid alone already!
by Becky on January 23, 2009 at 9:34 am. #
And this right after your dinner party?! I’m shocked.
The trick is to NOT APOLOGIZE to them or anyone else. Congrats on finding yourself and being happy with it.
by Rebecca - That Girl from Brazil on January 23, 2009 at 9:52 am. #
This makes me feel slightly better…as I sit here by my computer rather than tackling the 101 things I should be doing. I always feel guilty about the way my house is. I’m starting to realize that it’s my own perception and no one sees it the way I do. But on that note, I AM going to get up and fold the laundry that has been sitting there for 3 days because I want to, not because I’m feeling guilty. Great post and good for you!!!
Erin´s last blog post..Tremors
by Erin on January 23, 2009 at 10:30 am. #
Wow. We only get asked to put people up for events like the BYU choir or orchestra coming to the area for a concert, and then they make an announcement to the whole ward asking people if they can put someone up for a night.
I got an email asking that last week…the concert is in May.
We can’t host anyone because we don’t have room what with three bedrooms and one bath.
Heffalump´s last blog post..Run, run, run…
by Heffalump on January 23, 2009 at 2:28 pm. #
Grr; the Internet made my first comment. I’m commenting again, because I love you.
This line made me laugh: “You could eat of the floor, but only because there is already food on it.” I am totally using it in my everyday speech. About my floor, not yours. ;-)
And yes, please please please don’t worry about what these guests think of your home. If they are like me (which they probably aren’t; I don’t think I’d have the nerve to ask the bishop to put us up for the night on my vacation!), I wouldn’t want my hostess making me feel bad that I don’t put mints on my houseguests’ pillows. Sure, it is a nice gesture, but all I would ever want are clean towels, a bed to sleep in, and access to some cold cereal and/or a toaster in the morning.
by Beth on January 23, 2009 at 2:34 pm. #
I’m afraid I might have stuck out my tongue and shook my head an emphatic no. But good for you for not worrying quite so much about what others think. It’s a tough one.
Annette´s last blog post..Writing Journey: Part III
by Annette on January 23, 2009 at 3:26 pm. #
Kim! I can totally not see you with a house such as (insert maps here if you’d like, such as,) described. I’m going to stop by one day on the fly just so I can blog about what a nice house you have later… :) And btw, can Kai come have a snack? He’s always hungry :P
by Abra on January 23, 2009 at 4:44 pm. #
jesus was born in a manger. i don’t think the floor was pristine. i don’t really know why i mention it now. just that if a dirty floor was good enough for jesus…?
i should talk about such things, not being that way inclined. but i know you like that kind of stuff.
by the way, are you still going to have room for us? i was going to bring the thrower and madame m to that skiing race.
we like our rooms comfortable. that is to say “not spotlessly clean”.
holly´s last blog post..farcical fable friday
by holly on January 23, 2009 at 5:10 pm. #
I can so relate to this. My husband forces me out of my comfort zone all the time. I actually regret all the times I have said no to his invitations to open our home to strangers. I think I may have missed out on some good growth. Don’t get me wrong, I still panic at the thought of unexpected company. A friend stopped by this afternoon and my house stunk of all the vomit my kids have been loading me with for the past 24 hours. My dishes weren’t done and I was still in my p.j’s. I forced myself to smile and invite her in. Luckily the smell of the vomit put her off, but at least I answered the door instead of hiding in the bedroom with the lights off!
Chelsea´s last blog post..Honest Scrap
by Chelsea on January 23, 2009 at 5:44 pm. #
i’m proud of you. why do we have so many ridiculous ways that we choose to measure our own worth?
i’m sure that neil (like most men) doesn’t get this. he wasn’t trying to disrespect you, he was trying to do the right thing, as were you. and you did. you housed a family (who i’m going to assume was actually in need and not just moochers–i so hope that is true,) but kept your expectations reasonable. i generally find that when i work myself up into a frenzy and then a meltdown to make everything perfect, i discover that i’m the only one who really expects it to be perfect.
i have always wanted a home where guests are welcome at any time, where there is always room for one more person at the dinner table, etc. i just realized that my fear that people will come at a time when my house isn’t clean and tidy has kept me from having that home. which is more important, really?
michal´s last blog post..What’s a Girl To Do?
by michal on January 24, 2009 at 9:49 am. #
Sticky fuzzies? I love it. Cameron picks up lint and things around my house (aka trash) and calls them mysteries :) !!
An Ordinary Mom´s last blog post..Fog
by An Ordinary Mom on January 29, 2009 at 2:34 pm. #
you go girl. If people invite themselves, then they get what they get. No apologies and no excuses.
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by leendaluu on February 5, 2009 at 9:51 am. #