Out of Sorts
by Kym on February 15, 2009
I’ve been feeling a wee bit apathetic lately. And I know exactly why and exactly how to fix the problem. Trouble is, I’m feeling too apathetic to do anything about it. Curses! Foiled again by my inherent laziness!
Thing is, there’s just too much I want to be doing, and not enough of me for the doing of it. I want to write. I want to blog. I want to play with my kids. I want to purge all the miscellaneous junk from my house. I want to bake my own bread again and prepare scrumptious, daring meals for my culinarily deprived husband. I want to get the laundry caught up on for the first time in who knows how long. I want to scrub and deep clean every inch of this increasingly filthy house. I want to play the piano and sing my heart out, because even singing simple songs with my girls is leaving me a little breathless. I want to exercise again so my legs don’t protest every time I tackle the stairs in our three story home.
I’m not really doing any of it though. I’m sort of shuffling through life. A few dishes here, a puzzle made or a story read there, a book read, an email inbox briefly tackled and then given up on. I can’t seem to commit myself to any one thing long enough to feel good about it. I feel tired and out of sorts. On the verge of tears but never getting around to actually crying them.
I feel worthless. Ungrateful (I have SO much). Slothful. Unloveable.
It’s Sunday, and I’m miserably sick. And I’m GLAD I’m sick. Because it gives me an excuse to lay about and do nothing terribly important. It gets to be a bit addictive, you see, this moping and shuffling about. It gets to the point I can’t remember feeling any other way, even though intellectually I know I had a great week the other week and was feeling optimistic and cheery and empowered. Intellectually, I remember that. Emotionally? It’s a barely remembered wisp of a dream that faded upon waking.
I wonder what I could do if I could shake off this feeling. I wonder what I might be capable of if I didn’t feel so very crummy. And I wonder if the darkness that all too often touches this struggling world of ours knows what I can only guess at. Knows that I am capable of raising happy, loving children. Keeping a warm and inviting home. Reaching out to others who are struggling with similar bouts of hope quashing darkness.
And I wonder if that is part of why I feel so very weighed down right now. Perhaps someone, something, wants me to feel this way. Wants to stop me from doing all those amazing things I have it in me to do.
I know this much. I know that a loving Heavenly Father does not want me to feel this way. Wants those amazing and wonderful and life affirming things for me. And knowing that gives me that little spark of hope I need to find the will to fight.
And pray.
15 comments
You know, Kim… I think you’re awesome. I was thinking about my younger self (think 7) yesterday and I realized how much I am NOT that person. I changed in major ways, and when I look back it often looks like those changes came quickly and obviously.
But they didn’t. Today I don’t see the changes happening everyday. I see myself going 2 steps forward one day and 3 steps back the next. I see myself floudering. But I think in another 20 years, I’ll look back and think how much I changed NOW.
You’ve grown a whole bunch since I first “met” you (not that you weren’t awesome then. You were.), and you’ll continue to grow. I think it’s awesome that you’re learning to notice when you’re in a funk. I so often don’t until the end of the day! :)
Sarah´s last blog post..Valentine’s Surprise
by Sarah on February 15, 2009 at 11:25 am. #
Kim, do not (repeat – DO NOT) become overwhelmed by the amount of chores awaiting you. Break ‘em up into tiny, manageable tasks to be done over the next two, three, four weeks.
Don’t exhaust yourself. Set goals, but keep them sustainable. You need time for your family, you need time to regain strength and you need time for yourself as well.
It’s easy to become overwhelmed by things that need to be done, but several little steps are easier to manage than one giant clean-up that leaves you utterly exhausted and ill.
by david mcmahon on February 15, 2009 at 2:30 pm. #
Kim,
If you keep letting yourself get sick because it’s convenient, you’re going to put a huge burden on your family.
*Some* adult still has to function to keep the family afloat, and if it’s not you, then it’ll by default be him. Over time, he’ll come to resent your convenient illness, especially as he picks up the tab with the house and the kids and everything else. It’ll be increasingly hard for him to muster any kind of compassion for you. Your marriage WILL suffer.
Pray hard. Do whatever it takes to get yourself out of this slump.
Trust me on this one–I know whereof I speak. I’m the spouse of someone who lets themselves get sick and lay around because it’s easier than pulling their share of the load.
And I resent the hell out of it.
by Jessalyn on February 15, 2009 at 3:44 pm. #
Oh my, I have found you! I don’t know why, but I lost you a few weeks ago. And now here you are, in all your glorious Kim-ness. I have missed you!
And don’t worry love, spring is just around the bend. Sunshine does amazing things for the soul. I know you are sick today, but try to sit in a south facing (or the closest thing you have to it) window and let the warmth soak into you. I did that today and my spirits are much improved.
xo
C´s last blog post..Simply Fantastic
by C on February 15, 2009 at 4:02 pm. #
and don’t forget a cup of tea.
C´s last blog post..Simply Fantastic
by C on February 15, 2009 at 4:04 pm. #
Um, personally, I think you are sick (again) because it’s cold and flu season. You probably picked it up in the office last week. I have had three viruses in the past three weeks-it happens! I find that I get more done with less pain and effort when I have a schedule. However, I have also found that the schedule keeps getting interrupted, or has to be re-evaluated because circumstances that are beyond my control keep changing. My kids keep changing. I change. Everyone’s needs change. And Mom is the one who is supposed to be managing all of this. It is incredibly difficult! It is for all stay at home moms. Don’t beat yourself up about it. It truly does get easier when your kids are all in school for the day and you have a chunk of time that you can call your own. You are on the right road–the desire is there, the rest will come. As long as you are making progress, that is all anyone can ask. Meanwhile, you might just have to expect less out of yourself and what you can do. Be sure to nurture yourself b/c you need to have something to pour out of your pitcher for others. (It doesn’t sound to me like you get much nurturing from others. If you don’t take care of you, who will?)
Heidi Ashworth´s last blog post..The Sunday Reflections of a "Re-incarnate"
by Heidi Ashworth on February 15, 2009 at 4:10 pm. #
Sorry you’re feeling so down. I get that way, too, and wonder why I just can’t snap out of it and decide that is must be because I’m really just not a very good person, after all. I feel unlovable because I don’t love me. I’ve been there. This week, I’ve been there (yeah, it happens often enough that I start to wonder if it’s my true nature). (It’s not; it’s a cleverly crafted lie, I think, that the devil is telling me.)
Hoping you feel better soon (physically/mentally/spiritually/everythingly). You have the first ingredient of happiness: the desire. Let that desire to believe (in yourself) work in you until you feel better. You have to pass through sorrow so you can know the good — the good around you and IN you.
You’re great (you will have plenty of people tell you this, and you know Heavenly Father knows it, too). The way you’re feeling now is NOT you. Be gentle on yourself. The bread-making, writing, blogging, clean-house, piano-playing, singing — those are just *fruits* of your wonderfulness, not what makes you good. (Said another way, maybe the extra things you do help your self-worth, but it’s not what gives you your divine nature, your inherent worth.)
by Beth on February 15, 2009 at 4:38 pm. #
I like what Beth said. Hang in there, Kim!
by Annette on February 15, 2009 at 5:19 pm. #
Okay, I think we all WANT to do so much more than we’re doing, and wish that the few things we ARE doing could be done so much better. It’s totally natural. I feel like I might be translated if I could every figure out how to stay on top of the laundry (not because I’m otherwise perfect, but because that would be like the ultimate sign to me that I’ve finally figured out self-mastery). The tricky thing — and pardon me for claiming that the challenge is universal, but I think it is– is recognizing how much good we ARE doing despite our feeble efforts and realizing how much God magnifies them because our heart is in the right place. And in a perfectly selfish kind of way, I’m glad you were sick today because I loved all your awesome comments on my blog. :)
Steph @ Diapers and Divinity´s last blog post..I’m a little confused. Oh, and bitter too.
by Steph @ Diapers and Divinity on February 15, 2009 at 6:56 pm. #
*HUGS* Keep praying girl . . . and if I may offer a suggestion to help ease the blahs . . . service does wonders . . . for the person you’re serving . . . as well as for your own self esteem! :)
love you!
Kate´s last blog post..12 February 1999
by Kate on February 15, 2009 at 8:03 pm. #
I’m sorry you going through this slump. It always comes back after you thought you had it beat. But you’ll overcome it again. :D
Summer´s last blog post..More Wedding Photos
by Summer on February 16, 2009 at 9:31 am. #
Love is all I can offer. Get better, kay?
by Eowyn on February 16, 2009 at 5:14 pm. #
“Thing is, there’s just too much I want to be doing, and not enough of me for the doing of it. I want to write. I want to blog. I want to play with my kids. I want to purge all the miscellaneous junk from my house. I want to bake my own bread again and prepare scrumptious, daring meals for my culinarily deprived husband. I want to get the laundry caught up on for the first time in who knows how long. I want to scrub and deep clean every inch of this increasingly filthy house. I want to play the piano and sing my heart out, because even singing simple songs with my girls is leaving me a little breathless. I want to exercise again so my legs don’t protest every time I tackle the stairs in our three story home.
I’m not really doing any of it though. I’m sort of shuffling through life.”
I should stop there with the quoting. I could of quoted this whole thing. Bless your heart for putting into words the way I have been feeling for the last several months … mostly since October. I know I have been dealing with a little bit of the post partum blues, add to that a husband writing a thesis and everything else. Life is crazy, but I can’t seem to shrug away this nasty darkness that is enshrouding me. It won’t leave me alone. I know what I should be doing, I just can’t seem to do it.
Sigh … maybe tomorrow will be better :) !!
(((HUGS)))
by An Ordinary Mom on February 16, 2009 at 8:21 pm. #
Just call yourself Hibernating, that’s my excuse..but I’m willing to share!
Congrats on Post of the Day mention…well earned support!
Sandi
by Sandi McBride on February 17, 2009 at 5:28 am. #
I hope you feel better. Also..where did your tracking go on the side? I don’t recall you posting about taking it down…
Jaina´s last blog post..Waay Cool
by Jaina on February 20, 2009 at 8:31 am. #