I am home. Back in the white stucco rectangular duplex I spent ages nine to twenty-two in. The colours and carpets have changed, but so much is the same here. Not quite a time warp, but pinhole glimpses at the past. It’s disorienting to feel so many memories struggling for prominence all in the same moment.
This is home and not home. Home has become our three story chalet on the hillside. Views of the secluded valley, the lowing of cows and nickering of horses. Home has become a small town where you know and are known. Where there is no anonymity.
Where there is not so much rain. It has rained and sleeted for nearly our entire visit thus far. I’d forgotten. I grew up here, but I’d forgotten how rare (and therefore how glorious) the appearance of the sun can be.
And I’d forgotten the sirens. I hear them daily here.
In my new home sirens are rare. And you find out from people in town the next day what happened, or you read about it in the local paper. When I hear sirens at home my heart leaps into my throat. I know that the emergency personnel could be rushing to someone I know. The odds of that are so much greater there.
Here, the sirens are just a backdrop to life. Unremarkable and unremarked upon.
I feel homesick. Even though, technically, I am home.
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13 Comments
What a strange feeling, home and not home. I know how it is. It’s strange to be an adult and start things on your own. Redefine who you are and what you’re about. One little thing that is kind of a big thing for me is Christmas. I have many of the traditions that I grew up with and some that my husband did, but I still feel like the REAL Christmas is the one that I had as a child with my family. But I’m trying to make a Christmas for us. And it’s working, I think. It’s starting to feel like home.
LisAway´s last blog post..Forgetting How to be Friendly
Isn’t it interesting how our idea of home changes. Oregon has become my home and my home town is now where I grew up.
As Dorothy says “There’s no place like home”
I agree. When I go to my childhood home, it’s nice, but I can’t wait to get back to the home I’ve made with my Wayne.
I love the new look of your blog.
You are a beautiful writer.
I understand what you’re saying. When I go “home” to visit family it is comforting in a way… and yet, I know that I really don’t belong there any more. But don’t tell my family that! They keep trying to pull us back there… I haven’t had the heart to tell them that I have no desire to move back. I love my family, but… like I said, I just don’t belong there any more.
I hope you are having a fantastic visit :)
Melissa´s last blog post..
I can kinda understand…at least with the home but not home thing.
Jaina´s last blog post..525600 Minutes
It’s fascinating to me how home changes. Even when we have to move away from home, wherever the new place is becomes home, most of the time.
I’ve had a couple of times recently where I walked into my parent’s house and had this very same feeling, an overwhelming sense of nostalgia, but that it’s the past, not the present that I’m feeling.
Come home soon!
Eowyn´s last blog post..Random tid-bits
This is so beautifully written. It’s often how I feel when I go “home-to-not-home.” And your real “home” sounds like a veritable slice of heaven. =]
L.T. Elliot´s last blog post..The set of the soul…
Wow, Kimberly. This has a strange and haunting quality to it. That’s a good thing.
Melanie J´s last blog post..Burning question answered. If it still burns, you should probably get it checked.
You grew up and your home shifted. It’s right & good.
Lisa Milton´s last blog post..my life as a lego
Beautiful! That was how I felt when I stayed with my sister who lives in my parents home. Sirens all day it seemed.
julie wright´s last blog post..Who Knew?
I grew up in LA and never noticed I heard sirens all the time until I went away to college and never heard them … or helicopters :) !!
An Ordinary Mom´s last blog post..A Double Spring Giveaway – Clorox and Skintimate
I hear ya.
To me, “home” is where my husband is. Always.
Rebecca – That Girl from Brazil´s last blog post..Metamorphoses
it’s funny, isn’t it? how you can be home and yet desperately homesick?
whenever i’m back on oahu, it feels both familiar and stifling. while there’s so much i’ve missed, i also begin to feel suffocated after a few days back, and can’t wait to head out to the life i’ve carved beyond all that.
hope you’re having a full, memorable trip.
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