I Want to be THAT Woman « Temporary? Insanity

I Want to be THAT Woman

by Kym on April 19, 2009

Way deep down, beneath the thin veneer of exaggerated confidence, I don’t like me very much. Despite the many positive strides I’ve made with regards to my self-esteem, I’m still pretty mangled inside. Years of negative self-talk have taken their toll and while I have the hope and the potential to be happier than I currently am, I’m not quite “there” yet.

What hit that fact home recently was the simplest of things. It’s funny how most epiphanies are born of simple, seemingly ordinary events.

The other day I drove into town to run an errand for Neil and being the awesome wife that I am I even did so (mostly) uncomplainingly. When the girls and I arrived at the clinic, he was in the process of leading a lady in for her appointment. He paused to give the girls, and me, hugs, and brought us into the room with him to give the girls some eyeball stickers. We chatted with the lady briefly, bade farewell, and then left.

That night, he told me how that patient had been admiring the pictures of our girls that he has on his office wall. She told him that he was lucky to have such sweet girls, and such a sweet wife.

Err…what? Who? It floored me. Absolutely floored me. And then it floored me that it floored me. How messed in the head am I that a simple bit of praise threw me for a loop like that? Do I really think so very poorly of myself that it’s hard to believe someone might consider me sweet?

It got me thinking. Not just about myself and my own internal issues, but about how I treat others. When I’m thinking something nice about someone, do I go to the extra effort to say so? Do I offer praise and gratitude on a regular basis? Do I ever say or do things that throw others for a loop? Do I give them a little glow and a blush as they reflect on the fact that someone thought well enough of them to say so?

I don’t know if it’s watching too much American Idol or what, but I find that my attitude has turned towards the judgmental in recent years. I find myself analyzing and picking people and situations apart.

She could have handled that better.
Wow, that waiter sure is a pill.
Good grief, what is that person wearing?

When I pause to think about it, my internal dialogue is quite shaming. I want to be like that lovely lady in Neil’s office, who unthinkingly offered praise. Who had a nice thought and was a nice enough person to share it.

And you know, maybe that’s part of the key to fixing the whole twisted up not-liking-myself-much thing. Maybe it’s not just a matter of turning off the negative self-talk. Maybe it’s also about becoming the sort of person I can like.

17 comments
Share on Twitter, Facebook, Delicious, Digg, Reddit

17 comments

I think you have hit the nail on the head. I know I feel better about myself and my situation when I forget myself and am doing things for others.

As for American Idol, we stopped watching it after my husband made a similar observation. It was the beginning of this season, where they have EVERYONE trying out and they really do make fun of the people who are not meant to be singers. He said that he just couldn’t watch people being so cruel to other people. And he was right.

Lorie´s last blog post..Glass Jars and Chalkboard Paint

by Lorie on April 19, 2009 at 1:38 pm. #

Sweet is definitely a word I would use to describe you. MOST definitely. People don’t compliment very much. It’s an odd phenomenon that I have observed–they really don’t. (It’s not just you). I think, though, that they THINK nice things about people–but for a variety of reasons, they just don’t say things out loud. I think old ladies are past a lot of the emotional baggage that keeps closed the mouths of younger women.

Heidi Ashworth´s last blog post..A Gratitude Apple A Day Keeps The Psychiatrist Away

by Heidi Ashworth on April 19, 2009 at 2:35 pm. #

Yes, one needs to be comfortable and a bit confident in oneself in order to feel safe enough to be supportive of other people. But you have got some of that. You’ve said nice, supportive things about me, and endeared yourself to me quite a lot. You are quite high on my list of loved Internet-people. I think about you, and worry about not being in touch. I think you are a sweetie. So here’s a vote that says “You can feel confident, you can feel self-love and let it warm your heart to others.”

Lemongrass´s last blog post..The sad thing about Plurk, and the happy thing

by Lemongrass on April 19, 2009 at 3:08 pm. #

It’s always good to examine the self and aim to do better but please don’t be too hard on yourself. As you aim to be kinder to others, please remember to be kind to yourself too. =]

L.T. Elliot´s last blog post..An Invitation to Dunhaven Place

by L.T. Elliot on April 19, 2009 at 5:16 pm. #

I’m ashamed of how often I think kind things about others in my head but don’t say them compared to the number of snarky things that come tumbling out because I think I’m funny. I try to stop more often and say the nice things too because I know it makes me feel good and it seems only fair to pay it forward. I need to do better, though.

Melanie J´s last blog post..Bust out the See’s, y’all!

by Melanie J on April 19, 2009 at 5:44 pm. #

This is a great thought. I know we all can be better about improving the things we think privately about others, and be better about seeing the good in others — and that makes us feel better about ourselves.

I have found that when I spend too long nitpicking other people, I feel way worse afterwards. Ironic since I usually start out to cover up or justify my own weaknesses.

by Beth on April 19, 2009 at 6:20 pm. #

Wow! What a beautiful post … and you are echoing so many things that have been floating around in my head as well (hence, my latest post). I know how much genuine compliments affect me so I try my hardest to give them out whenever I can. It makes me feel lighter, freer, and it definitely helps me view myself in a more positive way, too.

Unfortunately I have found myself being more judgmental of others lately, too. I am trying to remedy that by sowing seeds of unity and not disunity. President Eyring gave a most excellent talk about this in the October 2008 General Conference called, “Our Hearts Knit As One.” I have reread this talk many times. One line that always sticks out at me is when he says, “Realizing that you see others in an imperfect light will make you likely to be a little more generous in what you say.” Duh! That is so simple, but I think of it often.

Sorry for being so long winded, but you are very SWEET :) !!

An Ordinary Mom´s last blog post..Listening To The Beat Of My Own Drum

by An Ordinary Mom on April 19, 2009 at 7:34 pm. #

I think that often, the less slack we give others also equals into less slack for ourselves.
Thanks! This post made me think!

Heffalump´s last blog post..Wordless Wednesday

by Heffalump on April 19, 2009 at 8:29 pm. #

I suppose I don’t really know the real life Kim, but in the blogging world you’re ALWAYS offering praise and encouragement. So you’ve definitely got it right at least there! (although I personally find it much easier to type out a compliment than to give one to someone’s face.)

I read on a blog recently a quote something like this, “To feel gratitude and not express it is like wrapping a present and not giving it.” Or something. I love that and I need to remember it.

by LisAway on April 19, 2009 at 8:45 pm. #

Awwwwww… reminds me of this quote by Robbie Burns: O’ wad pow’r the giftie gie us to see oursel’s as others see us.

by Abra on April 19, 2009 at 9:25 pm. #

I want to be THAT woman too. I’ve been making a concious effort to try and focus on the good in people and shove the negative out of the way. One of my favorite things to do when I am out is compliment people. I’m not afraid to tell someone they have a beautiful smile or that their jacket is way cute. It’s fun to see their face light up!

Summer´s last blog post..I HATE Ticks!

by Summer on April 20, 2009 at 4:50 am. #

once again, an insightful post. that last paragraph especially is 100% brilliant…and 100% true. it’s exactly what i needed to hear today, so thank you, sweet kim.

nic´s last blog post..sneakity peek

by nic on April 20, 2009 at 10:37 am. #

Brilliant, as always darling!

Thanks for this reminder to look at the positive.

Eowyn´s last blog post..Skewed

by Eowyn on April 20, 2009 at 11:29 am. #

You’re so stinking awesome. Love this post. Love you. (And I will try to stop thinking that the waiter is such a pill. :-D )

You’ve given me lots to think about… I can certainly do better. xoxox

Brillig´s last blog post..Look! No, DON’T Look!

by Brillig on April 21, 2009 at 12:05 am. #

Amazing post! Thanks for making me think about this! I have trouble being positive, especially about family and friends. I usually give strangers the benefit of the doubt, but I can be pretty critical with those I know better!

Tirzah´s last blog post..Relay for Life…YES!

by Tirzah on April 21, 2009 at 7:53 am. #

I’d start with the negative self talk. Every time you think or say a negative thing about yourself, you must immediately counteract it by saying 3 positive things. You could even try affirmations. Write down 5 positive things about yourself that are true or you would like to be true. Repeat this list to yourself in the morning when you wake up, when you brush your teeth, when you run into your room for a moment, when you’re making lunch, when you’re doing the dishes, when you’re brushing your teeth at night, before you go to bed. Then next week, add another 5 things to it. Continue. Positive self talk works wonders. Repetition is the key. You can do it Kym!!!

Jaina´s last blog post..Warmth Awakens

by Jaina on April 22, 2009 at 1:36 pm. #