Appearances Don’t Have to Be Deceiving
by Kym on June 4, 2009
I got mocked a lot as a kid. I know most kids do. It seems to be part and parcel with that whole Rite of Passage scene, but seriously, I got mocked a LOT. My hair, my clothes, my shoes, my winter jacket, my skinniness, my backpack, my nose, as well as my keen attitude towards schoolwork and my rather pathetic performances in gym class. All came under the scrutiny of my peers. And they were brutal.
Which wouldn’t have been such a bad thing if I hadn’t been such a sensitive kid. The number of times I walked home with tears pouring down my face. Oi. I was kind of pathetic, and my classmates took every opportunity to tell me so.
What’s truly pathetic, is that I still hear those sneering voices sometimes. I’m thirty years old, married and settled with two children and another on the way. And I still hear those voices. I still flinch sometimes, anticipating cruel words whenever I’m in a social situation. I expect to be ignored or snubbed, and have to fight not to cringe and cower in the background whenever I leave the house. Sometimes, because of this, I don’t much like leaving the house.
Other times, I’m someone else entirely. Not that shy, ego-battered girl I used to be. I smile and say hello to people and engage them in conversation. I walk confidently and laugh freely. Who I used to be seems so very far away in those moments that I can almost forget about her. And then, it all comes crashing down and I find myself hiding again. Suddenly, I’m HER again.
Whenever I leave the house, I take time (perhaps too much) fussing over my personal appearance. Have I plucked my eyebrows recently? Is my make-up on right? Do my earrings match my outfit – what about my shoes? I obsess and worry and fret and experience high levels of frustration wishing I could just let myself BE. Because of that, perhaps, I’m often drawn towards women completely opposite to myself. The ones who don’t bother with make-up at all. Who dress casually in jeans and t-shirts and stroll about with a natural sort of confidence that I yearn to emulate.
Problem is, most of them don’t seem to like me much. And I can understand why. I don’t fit with them. Overly coiffed. Wearing dress pants and a nice top instead of jeans, never seen in sweat pants or sneakers, always trying to “match.” Appearance wise, what matters to me doesn’t matter to them. Why would they think to get to know me better?
Not to say there haven’t been crossings of these invisible boundaries. There have been many. Some of my dearest friends. And yet, I see the looks. I see the similarly dressed gals hanging out together at playgroup. I see the well dressed gal on the other side of the room, alone and uncertain, perhaps like me she has found new ways not to fit in. Perhaps she is insecure as well. Perhaps there is so much beneath the surface needing to be understood.
Perhaps I’m not a priss. Perhaps I’m not sneering at those who don’t dress like me. Perhaps I’m envying them. Wishing I could let go of past hurts enough not to care so much about things that don’t really matter but which, in this moment, matter far too much.
I’ve certainly learned that assumptions can kill the potential for friendship. While surfaces might give clues as to the depths, they are merely clues, and ambiguous ones at that.
Truly, appearances don’t have to be deceiving.
28 comments
Kim, you took the literal tears from my face last night and wrote them on your blog this morning. You’re my twin, I swear. (In regards to the sensitivity thing, have you read this post by Annette? http://writingonthewallblog.blogspot.com/2009/06/sensitivity.html –because it gave me a whole new perspective on sensitivity!)
I suffer from these same feelings, Kim. All the time! I feel like I never fit anywhere. But I want you to know that you’re the other side of my puzzle piece. You’ll always fit with me. You can always be you with me and I’ll always be me with you and we can relax and “just be.”
Love you,
Laura
L.T. Elliot´s last blog post..UP
by L.T. Elliot on June 4, 2009 at 12:07 pm. #
“I’m often drawn towards woman completely opposite to myself. The ones who don’t bother with make-up at all. Who dress casually..” This would explain why we became friends. :) And I don’t really fit in with any mom groups anywhere and I’m okay with that. I kind of take notice of people that I admire and if they let me get to know them a little, a friendship is born. I’m just not into the motherhood version of the pick-up scene at bars.
Steph @ Diapers and Divinity´s last blog post..Someone in this family is going to jail.
by Steph @ Diapers and Divinity on June 4, 2009 at 12:59 pm. #
When I sat down beside you and introduced myself at the LDS writers’ thingie, I was leaping out of my comfort zone. It’s a constant act of courage for me to strike up a conversation with someone, because of all those things you’ve just said.
But I’ve found it so worthwhile to take that scary step, because great things are born when we assume, even a little, that what we have may be what they want.
Becca´s last blog post..Ode to the Offended Muse
by Becca on June 4, 2009 at 2:17 pm. #
So many people can relate to this kind of thing–if only we all knew it, we’d be much less unhappy. And probably less judgmental. I know that for most of my life, I never felt like I fit in anywhere–not until I landed with some awesome writer friends. They are my happy place.
Annette´s last blog post..WNW: Why "Second"?
by Annette on June 4, 2009 at 2:18 pm. #
I think we all feel this way for different reasons. Constant questions. “Where do I fit?” “Do they like me” It never ends. . .at least it hasn’t for me yet.
(btw, it’s Nation, by the master Terry Prachett that I’m reading. It’s still TP, but definitely not discworld.)
I was the exact opposite in high school. I was the one running around and introducing myself and generally making friends with every one, or at least attempting. I’ve lost that some how, and I constantly wonder why. . .
Eowyn´s last blog post..~Snort~
by Eowyn on June 4, 2009 at 2:55 pm. #
I wear jeans, T-shirts and NO make-up, but I wouldn’t say I walk around feeling all confident.
In many cases I think that people wear outward confidence like armor so that no one else will see the vulnerable them inside. I imagine that you look pretty confident to other people dressed in your matching clothes and having taken time to think about what you are wearing.
We are all like houses, staring out through the windows of our eyes, but unable for the most part, to see past the exterior of the other houses around us and to find the common ground within.
Heffalump´s last blog post..Wordless Wednesday: Cake
by Heffalump on June 4, 2009 at 3:10 pm. #
I really like this line: While surfaces might give clues as to the depths, they are merely clues. Well said.
by Melanie J on June 4, 2009 at 3:19 pm. #
It took me 23 years to see through the tainted glass of my perception. Occasionally I feel a little insecure but I’m at the point where I never fully turn into HER again. You will get there, and hopefully (as was my case) it won’t take a cataclysmic event to propel you into aplomb.
Summer´s last blog post..Not feeling qualified
by Summer on June 4, 2009 at 4:12 pm. #
I LOVE this line too -
“While surfaces might give clues as to the depths, they are merely clues, and ambiguous ones at that.”
That is just SO true. We make our assumptions, but we don’t really KNOW until we KNOW a person. And I’ve gotten to know many a friend who I had assumptions about that didn’t even actually fit the REAL person.
Great post, as usual. :)
Heather of the EO´s last blog post..Maybe I should stop freaking out
by Heather of the EO on June 4, 2009 at 4:57 pm. #
When I wrote the book Dakota’s Revenge (a book about an unpopular girl who gets made fun of by the local boys) I thought very few people would be able to relate. Imagine my surprise when everybody seemed to relate. I thought, didn’t anybody have a good experience in school? I mean, I clearly remember that there were popular people at school. Somebody must have had a good time. How come it is that as adults we all feel that we were part of the looked-down-on and persecuted group?
Anyway, it is true that these things give us experience that makes us better people. (Which we need as writers.) I lived through a lot of horrible days too. Really, my sixth grade year was hellish in a lot of ways. But now I can empathize with so many people. I was never tempted to be the mean girl later on in life. I feel like I’ve overcome something huge because I could finally see the “tormenters” for what they were: kids with their own problems–many probably far worse than my problems–who didn’t really effect my value at all.
They say writers have to suffer. Do you suppose we were all in some pre-mortal class together, choosing our life events and saying, “Yes, I think I’ll take the bullies that bark at girls as they walk by . . .”
by janette rallison on June 4, 2009 at 6:44 pm. #
I’d never judge you by your dress pants. I mean, blue jeans just don’t MATCH ANYTHING! ;)
Really, though I sort of am the opposite. I always wear make-up, but just foundation (necessity) mascara and lip gloss. But what I wear? Totally looks like I don’t care. Always jeans, or linen, but lazy linen. Old jeans. But actually, that’s more a current budget thing, I suppose. But anyway, I’m just saying that I love that we find people we love on the Internet, don’t care at all if they’re fat or thin, make-uped or not, well dressed or wearers of sweats. It’s lovely.
I hate the boys from jr. high. I was told to “get some meat on those bones” all the time, besides the even more embarrassing boy that always pretended like he was in love with me and exaggerated about it all the time. He NEVER said anything mean, but his loudly expressed over-adoration (I’m 99% sure it was sarcastic) was even worse.
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by LisAway on June 5, 2009 at 6:39 am. #
How is it that we are all so incredibly different, and yet incredibly the same?
I used to think that everyone was comfortable in their own skin except me.
I think the difference between you and I is that you are comfortable wearing the nice pants, and I would obsess about getting some jeans on – just to be the same and fit in better.
JustRandi´s last blog post..Reason #9 Why You Should Leave a Comment
by JustRandi on June 5, 2009 at 6:43 am. #
The thing is…we’re ALL that girl. To some extent. Maybe not because of what we are wearing. Maybe it’s because we’re overweight. Or have a part in our teeth. Or don’t have the right kind of car or purse.
Everyone has this struggle. I promise.
Stephanie Snowe´s last blog post..Open Letters: It’s been a while, hons edition!
by Stephanie Snowe on June 5, 2009 at 8:25 am. #
That’s interesting…I’m the opposite person I guess. I hardly ever wear makeup except on Sunday and always dress in jeans and t-shirts. I feel really self-conscious and pretentious when I wear dress slacks, a nice top, makeup, etc.. somewhere. It makes me feel like people are looking at me and wondering why I’m all dressed up (because of course I must look silly). But then when I’m in social situations I always want to hang out with the girls that are so well put together, with nice hair and makeup and such. Yet I feel like we have nothing in common since they’re so concerned about those things…but at the same time I feel like maybe I just think I do a bad job trying to “look good” and if I hung around these people more I might learn something. So, yeah, different perspectives….plus it seems more often in my experience there’s me and maybe one lonely girl in jeans and no make up at playgroups while all of the other moms are perfectly coifed and styled. Maybe I should move to Canada and you should move to Texas? ;)
Kiera´s last blog post..Master Bedroom: Before and After
by Kiera on June 5, 2009 at 8:46 am. #
“Problem is, most of them don’t seem to like me much. ”
You know Kim, speaking as one of the unwashed masses (85% of the time anyway), I doubt it’s that they don’t like you – they’re just intimidated. When I first moved into my current ward, most of the women scared me to death. They were all so stylish and pretty and thin and I was… Not like that. (I mean, don’t get me wrong, I try to have nice hair and to wear decent clothes – but I don’t have the knack for any of it, and that leads me a lot of times to just throw my hands up and say ah, whatever. Not because I don’t care, but because I realize there is a certain pointlessness in trying to emulate them.) And at first I said things like what Kiera said – that we had nothing in common – but once I got to know them, I found out that we had SO MANY things in common that had nothing to do with clothes or appearances at all.
The number one thing that bridged the divide – book club. Having the chance to sit and really talk with all of these women about something other than small talk. It’s forged friendships that have carried over into girls night out, and baby showers, and talking at the park, and taking care of each other in a really genuine way. It turns out that I never should’ve been intimidated by their clothes, I should’ve been intimidated by their intellect and by what great people they are.
So I guess my point is – keep on putting yourself out there. People will want to know you.
Man, now I feel all verklempy about my friends. Dang, you may have inspired me to actually write another post already.
Sue´s last blog post..I’m Not Quitting My Blog, I’m Just Sparing You Posts Like This One
by Sue on June 5, 2009 at 9:25 am. #
Brilliant post hon and it makes me want to hug you. I was that kid too as you know, and sometimes I’m that confidenceless (is that a word?) person too, but I’m getting there. I think I’m more of the chilled out looking Mummy, and I do tend to talk to everyone, but I know when I went on my sister’s hen night with all her career mum friends who have no kids, posh cars and a disposable income I was very scared, but they were lovely and just as insecure as me for the most part. When I see you I will hug you whatever you’re wearing babe, and I may hide a little as I never pluck my eyebrows. Mwah.
Jo Beaufoix´s last blog post..You might hate me after you read this
by Jo Beaufoix on June 5, 2009 at 9:48 am. #
Wow, this made me feel so sad, but I did understand what you were saying. We all have so many parts to us. The insecurity thing is so stuffed down with me because I often feel like I am not allowed to be real about it. It is all of my own doing though. Thanks so much.
Kazzy´s last blog post..road trip day 5
by Kazzy on June 5, 2009 at 7:59 pm. #
Oooh, spiffy new look (but not overdressed ;)).
Novembrance´s last blog post..Welcome to Kashkawan
by Novembrance on June 5, 2009 at 8:04 pm. #
It is interesting how much of an impact our childhood has on us and how it still carries over into adulthood. This was beautifully written, truly. Of course, I’m the mom who wears yoga pants and fleece everywhere and don’t really care. I’d still like to lose those last 20 lbs but overall, I am comfortable in my skin.
Amber’s Crazy Bloggin’ Canuck´s last blog post..A Mommy Blogger Warning to Men Everywhere
by Amber's Crazy Bloggin' Canuck on June 6, 2009 at 4:26 am. #
Even the ones who look confident have stuff they’re working on too… we all do. For some it’s appearance, for others, lack of money or talents or friends … we’re all the same. We just hide our insecurities differently, that’s all.
Tristi Pinkston´s last blog post..New Reviews …
by Tristi Pinkston on June 6, 2009 at 10:56 am. #
If we only could see inside each others hearts, we would realize how similar we all are. That said, appearances do say a lot about us, and everyone unfortunately judges others, consciously or not, partly on appearance.
But it would be nice if that was not the case, wouldn’t it?
Rebecca´s last blog post..Little Miss Muffett Has NOTHING on Us!
by Rebecca on June 6, 2009 at 2:38 pm. #
Hmm, I wear skirts most of the time – but I never pluck my eyebrows, or wear makeup (or most of the time do my hair). I must be the weird hippie in the group. But I’ll be your friend anyway. That is one nice thing about the Internet – it lets a different part of ourselves shine out at first, rather than our physical/social projected selves.
(And although I wasn’t teased a lot, mostly because I was a loner, and I don’t think I really noticed or cared if I was,, sometimes certain girls from high school I still remember, and cringe. Especially I’ll randomly have dreams about them, where somehow I’ve proved them all wrong about me, or shown them how great I really was, if only they’d realized. So you’re not alone in remembering it. Just don’t let it define you.)
Thora´s last blog post..The Game of Life
by Thora on June 6, 2009 at 4:25 pm. #
I am a jeans and t-shirt gal. I can only hold together a dressy look for work about 2 days out of the week. My very dear friend has to “dress” for work every day. We have met for lunch and I have dropped by her office on a few occasions. I hate it because she acts totally different when she is in her nicer clothes. Even when it is just the 2 of us the clothes make her different. So much so that I try to avoid her unless it’s after hours. Crazy I know and sad but true. I know that this isn’t the case with everyone. My coworker dresses to the hilt every day and I really enjoy working with her. I personally think it’s a comfort level. I am uncomfortable in dressier clothes.
Maybe she should go in baby steps…start with dressy jeans, a nice T and and makeup. Work your way down if that is the group you want to hang out with :o) Good luck!
Shery´s last blog post..is it really friday?
by Shery on June 7, 2009 at 7:30 pm. #
I’m STILL uncomfortable in my own skin! (But I do wear a uniform of jeans and t-shirts, scrunch-and-go hair, and minimal make-up.) And one of my best friends told me a long time ago that “dressing immaculately is a defense mechanism” for her. So I get it. And I get you. And I love you!
charrette´s last blog post..Following the Leader
by charrette on June 8, 2009 at 10:21 am. #
Isn’t it funny how we assume people see us? One of my favorite quotes: O’ wad a pow’r the giftie gie us to see oursel’s as others see us – Robbie Burns.
I never knew you felt like that growing up. I always felt awkward because I had to shop at second hand stores- not because it was cool but because we had to. I tried to pass it off as cool, but deep down I was embarrassed. Now, I try and make sure that my kids have the things I didn’t when I was growing up – it’s hard and you know what? They don’t even care! I wish I could have my kids’ self confidence they rock the party :)
by Abra on June 8, 2009 at 11:19 am. #
Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another,
“What? You too?
I thought I was the only one!”
–C.S. Lewis
This is where we’re at Kim. Absolute friendship.
julie wright´s last blog post..CONduit
by julie wright on June 8, 2009 at 2:14 pm. #
No they don’t. I hope you let the carefree you out more often. You are beautiful no matter what you wear. :)
by Jaina on June 9, 2009 at 10:38 am. #
I am 33 and still trying to feel completely comfortable in my own skin.
An Ordinary Mom´s last blog post..One Month Shy Of One
by An Ordinary Mom on June 11, 2009 at 10:37 pm. #