I didn’t used to be so honest. Hard to believe, I know, since I seem to have mastered the art of being honest to the point of making people squirm like an octopus in its death throes.
I often receive comments and emails praising me for how “real” I am, and while these give me a lovely little ego-stroke, they also make me feel a bit awkward and even fake. Because I’ve never once mentioned WHY I’m so blatantly honest on my blog. Maybe you thought this is just who I am and have always been. Or maybe that it’s a gimmick to get attention because heaven knows I try to get more than my fair share of that.
Truth is, it’s an atonement of sorts. In my youth, I was a pathological liar. Don’t scoff please, because I’m not remotely exaggerating. Somehow lying became a way of life for me. Call it habit, or mental illness, or just a selfish young girl playing games, but I’d say anything that I thought might make me seem more likable or pitiable or, but of course, less likely to get into trouble. Trouble was, I was so dang good at it that I got away with it for YEARS. You see, I was this little mouse of a thing. Shyest gal you ever met, with this pale scrawny face and big wide brown eyes. And I just reeked of sincerity. People invariably believed me.
As I got older, the lies got bigger. I pretended I was taking University courses that I wasn’t, and even went into detail about the classes and how I was enjoying them. How well I was doing. Problem is, my mum accidentally opened a piece of my mail one day and suddenly, I was undone. Her and my dad confronted me, and I could see the heartbreak and confusion in them. I’ve been struggling to be honest ever since. I didn’t ever want to see someone I loved so much look at me like that ever again. Didn’t want to hurt someone like that again.
Even still, so many years later, I still find potential lies come far too easily to my mind. A little voice whispers, you could say this and they would feel sorry for you instead of angry with you. Why don’t you just pretend you forgot? One of the kids could have been sick, that’s why you missed that appointment. You don’t want everyone to know what a flaky scatterbrain you are, do you?
It’s a struggle to silence that voice, and in doing so I know I veer towards the opposite extreme. I share things that perhaps are better left unshared. I make people uncomfortable. I ruin potential friendships because I’m so dang open and honest about things that I think people wonder if I’m off in the head. I suppose that’s why this blog morphed from a fun hobby into a catch all for my deepest and most troubled thoughts. Better here. Better put into words and read by those who CHOOSE to read them, instead of spewed out daily at innocent bystanders.
I don’t know why this weakness is one I’m set to battle in this life. I don’t know why the temptation to lie is so very strong. But I know that the more honest I am the quieter that voice becomes. The easier it is to be real. Fortunately, that becomes an addiction all of its own. I like being real. So much in life is confusion, and this helps me sort through some of it.
That’s what it comes down to, I guess. I like being real.
p.s. We had the ultrasound on Wednesday but alas, it was inconclusive. The baby is measuring on the small side though, so we have to go in for another one in a few weeks. I’m just so relieved to have seen the beating heart, the yawning mouth, the flailing fists. There’s a baby in there!
Wow. that’s hard to face. I think we all have those things–the lifelong battles. I know mine is gossiping. I love to be in the know and to share what I know. I’m not malicious. I’m not trying to hurt people. But I tend to share a lot more of other people’s information than I need to.
Which is why I unload on you, so I don’t on everyone else. :)
Love you and I’m glad you are working on it!
Eowyn´s last blog post..Since you asked. . .Part 1
I identify VERY strongly.
When I was young, I would make all kinds of things up to try to impress people. Through a trauma similar to yours, I learned a valuable lesson and have been trying to make up for it ever since.
Now I just turn all my lies into stories…. ;)
I love you, my brave friend.
Luisa Perkins´s last blog post..Bibbity Bobbity Bacon!
I am struggling with being real on my blog. Oh, don’t get me wrong, everything I write is truthful and honest. But I want to be real. I want to write about crappy stuff that would definitely shock the grandparents. I want to be myself and not worry about what people think. It’s interesting how I am seeing these types of themes in many of the blogs I read. It’s kind of like God is trying to nudge me and say it’s okay; that I can be myself and if anything, He will still love me.
Once again, if I don’t say this every single time you write a post – thank you for this great post.
Erin´s last blog post..Bloggy Luncheon?
I, for one, am glad you’re battling that voice. Keep at it. I lost a dear friend because of her constant dishonesty. I couldn’t take it anymore. I’ll take ultra-honesty any day–including and especially the Kim variety.
Annette´s last blog post..Writing Journey: Part XIX
I keep telling you you’re like a mirror of myself. I’m ultra-honest for that same reason. I used to lie a lot. Now, I abhor it. Which makes me a bit of a hypocrite but I’m okay with that so long as I don’t fall into old habits again.
I love that you’re ultra-honest. I don’t have to worry about where I stand with you, how you really feel, and if I have to untangle the convoluted threads of what you just said to know what you really meant by it. I’ve had my share of that and I don’t have time for it anymore. Especially not in myself.
Like Luisa said, you are brave. And I love you too. Just as you are.
L.T. Elliot´s last blog post..Encouraging Geek Fights
I don’t have this particular struggle in my life but of course I have others as you well know. I am very open and honest on my blog for entirely different reasons. Maybe I’ll write a post about it sometime as well.
Summer´s last blog post..Super Paper Mario Cake
Honesty is a good thing. I’m glad you like to be real…real is good. :) And YAY to the ultrasound!!! That’s so exciting!
Jaina´s last blog post..A post about posting and other things
At least you recognized that you lied. The worst is people who tell lies and then it becomes the truth to them as soon as it’s out of their mouths. I admire you for working so hard to change that habit. I think even painful honesty is better than a white lie.
Melanie J´s last blog post..We are Avante Garde.
Oh man, I can’t believe the little girl/guy wouldn’t cooperate. Luckily you get another shot at it…come on boy! Let us know when you find out!
Its so funny when I read your posts how much I can relate to you! I got caught lying pretty early, trying to make people like me/not be mad at me and the disappointment caused me to not do it again, but I could have easily been like you and continued on if not caught. That wanting people to like you/not be upset with you is a powerful motivator when you are young. I think it’s GREAT that you want to be so real, to be so honest. I strive to be that way too, no matter how uncomfortable it might make others. :)
elizabethsheryl´s last blog post..Did you know that in Oregon there are lots of trees?
The worst lie I ever told was when my grandma told me she’d give me five bucks if I read the book of mormon when I was eight, just after I’d been baptised. I tried. I really did. But second nephi was so hard to understand and I gave up. Having been raised in an inactive home made it less of an urgency for me to read the book and I still didn’t know why i’d been baptized so it held no priority. But i wanted the 5 bucks so I lied.
I’ve read the book more times than I can count since that wretched lie, but i still feel guilty for it. Possibly because Grandma has died, and I am not able to confess the truth.
julie wright´s last blog post..A Note On Dating
I think the temptation to lie is there because you care so deeply. You care about the feelings of others, even to the point of being tempted to lie. You’ve recognized this people pleasing tendency and therefore, you work at being authentic without lying. You want to validate, and that shows the goodness of your heart.
Hope that made sense…it was a compliment :)
Heather of the EO´s last blog post..On wanting and birthdays
I appreciate your view on honesty and sharing your growth over a lifetime to reach a pinnacle (of sorts) of truth. It reminds me that we’re on a journey, of which none of us yet have finished.
PS: congrats on your pregnancy!
Terresa Wellborn´s last blog post..Turning the page back to old school
Ah… this is something that I struggle with too. I’m getting better… much better. And it took getting caught, just like you, to start to break me of it. Sigh…
I’m glad that the ultrasound went so well!! That was always one of my favorite parts of being pregnant. I couldn’t always make out the head or legs, but the heart… oh how I loved hearing and seeing that little heart beat!!
Melissa´s last blog post..
This is amazing to me. In many ways. What I’d like to address here (other than the fact that I am SO EXCITED you saw a real baby and heard a real heartbeat on that ultrasound) is that real honesty happens when you are no longer living in such a way where you have anything to hide or cover up. I think that is the very essence of integrity. And I think all these little changes you’re making in your life seem to reinforce your new found honesty. If that makes any sense.
charrette´s last blog post..Bitter and Sweet, with a Lie and a Thief…
p.s. That’s one of the things I LOVED about Guernsey. Their little escapade began with a lie. (Admittedly to the Nazis, possibly to save their very lives, but still, a lie.) And they spent the rest of the time making it true. Making sure they actually DID have a book club and they actually DID meet and discuss literature…
I admired that commitment to making the lie right…and then sticking with it for years.
charrette´s last blog post..Bitter and Sweet, with a Lie and a Thief…
p.p.s. You have my favorite background up again. :)
charrette´s last blog post..Bitter and Sweet, with a Lie and a Thief…
I’ve learned some of my hardest lessons by the looks on the faces of those I love.
It’s such an interesting struggle, because I think it just feeds on itself, like an addiction. I like your honesty here, though. Your posts are so unpretentious and casual, and I appreciate it.
Kazzy´s last blog post..she made me do it
I like honesty. It is refreshing!
Heffalump´s last blog post..Update…
I have an x-sister in law who is still a pathological liar. I wish she cared enough about her loved ones to quit but she really doesn’t. You did and I think that’s great! (not to imply that what I think matter b/c it doesn’t)
Heidi Ashworth´s last blog post..Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again
I am one who tends to share too much information, too. I am working on being more succinct.
I think you are very real. I like you just as you are :) !!
An Ordinary Mom´s last blog post..My Baby Is One