Sailing
by Kym on June 29, 2009
I have trouble letting things go. It’s something I’ve always known about myself, but as life progresses, that fact is thrown into sharper relief. Because it affects me more and more as the years go by. I still cherish ill feelings against the girls who extorted cookies from me in exchange for “friendship” all those many years ago. My self-esteem still suffers because of the many cruel jibes directed at me in my high school years. And I have this horrible, ever present fear of abandonment because of certain events in my dating years.
Deep breathing time, Kim. Time to let it all go.
The more I probe inward at myself, the more clearly I see the effects of certain decisions I’ve made, and realize that the true blame lies with myself, not those people I claim have wronged me over the years. In truth, I’ve come to be grateful to those who were unkind to me. They’ve taught me kindness through their lack of it. I’ve learned that I want to be someone entirely other than who they were.
So why am I still angry with them?
I made a new friend here a few weeks ago, and I was over the moon thrilled. She’s funny, intelligent, kind hearted, and just plain fun to be around. However, she’s got a lot she’s dealing with right now and not a whole lot of mind space for building a new friendship. I don’t hear from her often, in fact, it’s been over a week, and I confess, it’s getting to me. The reason? It’s not just your everyday impatience (though heaven knows I’ve plenty of that), it actually hearkens back to years ago. To something I can’t quite seem to let go of.
I very briefly dated four guys before I met Neil. One of the four I broke it off with but the other three . . . well, there was a certain lack of closure with all three of them, in that once they decided to end it they simply never spoke to me ever again. I? Did not take it well. Especially the third time, because, well, it was the THIRD time. I went a bit squirrelly after that, and have had difficulty letting people get close ever since.
Once I finally accepted the possibility that it wasn’t something wrong with ME, but possibly with the fellows I’d dated, I got a bit angry. In my mind, a whole heck of a lot of blame was tossed around. They’d ruined me. They’d messed with my head with their selfish desire to avoid confrontation. How dared they?
But how dare I? How dare I let something so incredibly inconsequential as past dating experiences dictate the sort of person I choose to be? Because it has. I’ve been sitting here worrying and fretting that I’m losing someone I thought was a friend, simply because I haven’t heard from her in awhile. Why? Because I equate lack of contact with loss and heart break.
As always, I put this into words to make it more than the cobwebbing of thoughts through my mind. To give the lessons I’m striving to learn some sort of actuality.
I choose the sort of person I am, and the ways in which my past experiences influence my present and future. I do not have to be a powerless piece of driftwood cast about on the waves of life. I can direct my path and choose my destination.
I can sail along whatever path, and towards whatever ending I choose.
Most important though, is the realization that I can sail.
19 comments
Yes! Our agency means that WE have the power to act, not simply to be acted upon. Take control, girl! I have been there many, many times.
Luisa Perkins´s last blog post..Frenchification by Immersion
by Luisa Perkins on June 29, 2009 at 8:29 am. #
Being the captain of our own ship is a hard concept to internalize, and for me, one I’m constantly relearning. Way to sail.
Annette´s last blog post..Your Perfect Summer Read
by Annette on June 29, 2009 at 8:46 am. #
It’s true. Agency rocks, but I find it the hardest thing in the world to accept sometimes. It seems easier to let every one else have the blame and the responsibility, and yet if we do we end up extremely unhappy–just like you did by letting the others who hurt you control you.
And so, we try the hardest we can to do better today than we did yesterday and hope that at some point it sticks.
Eowyn´s last blog post..And I’m done!
by Eowyn on June 29, 2009 at 9:03 am. #
We are so very similar in this area, except the girls I tried to be friends with wanted my pixie sticks. ;P
It’s hard to let go of the mistrust and anger. I don’t know if I’ll ever not expect the worst from people.
Summer´s last blog post..Does he really have to grow up?
by Summer on June 29, 2009 at 10:30 am. #
You bring to light so many things that help me captain my own ship. Thank you for your bravery, friend. You me choose to be a better person all the time.
L.T. Elliot´s last blog post..Technical Slip-up in Your Favor
by L.T. Elliot on June 29, 2009 at 11:05 am. #
It’s very true that we have things to learn from whatever negativities (not a word, I don’t care) have happened to us in the past. Because of the three guys who avoided you for no good reason besides avoiding confrontation, you learned how much you don’t like it when people avoid being direct with you. In turn that probably helped you be more direct with people because in the end it hurts people less than avoiding confrontation.
You change your background every time I read your blog. It’s cute! (both your background and the fact that you are changing it frequently)
Erin´s last blog post..Why I Love Being Married to a Psychologist
by Erin on June 29, 2009 at 12:15 pm. #
With just a few tweaks this could totally be me. I didn’t struggle in high school socially, but in jr high I was the person that was extorted completely. It was awful. And I held onto some of those feelings for quite a while.
And it was almost creepy to hear about some of your issues with friends that might hold back. So me. Wow. Are you sure we aren’t twins separated at birth?
Kazzy´s last blog post..atrophy
by Kazzy on June 29, 2009 at 12:36 pm. #
I have come to those same conclusions over those same kinds of girls in high school. I swear sometimes I feel like I’m reading my journal when i come to your blog.
julie wright´s last blog post..Burning
by julie wright on June 29, 2009 at 1:23 pm. #
I think everyone has been here to some extent. I don’t hold on to these slights any more, and haven’t for a long time, but that’s mainly because grown-ups are a little nicer to each other. Mostly. But I have other REALLY dumb things I need to learn to let go and I’m being kind of hard headed.
Melanie J´s last blog post..On the down low
by Melanie J on June 29, 2009 at 4:28 pm. #
I’m a grudge holder as well and I hate it. I want to just pluck these memories out of my head and move on. So frustrating. I do know that the times I HAVE been able to do that, I feel so much better. But it’s still so hard.
Josi´s last blog post..So . . . um . . . yeah
by Josi on June 29, 2009 at 8:16 pm. #
Kimberly, just catching up today. I love your writing, and really, really, really resonated with these two last posts. I miss you, think you are wonderful, and look forward to catching up again one day soon. I feel like life is slipping by while the waiting game for surgery is going on; seasons are passing, and it’s leaving me all behind. But I need to try to feel like that isn’t happening in my blogging friendships. So that means I will try to comment and say hey more often. Because? I miss you. And I’m glad for your friendship. =)
Inkling´s last blog post..When The News Feels Real And Close
by Inkling on June 29, 2009 at 9:04 pm. #
Oh how I hear you. I struggle with the past dating relationships thing too. A lot. I try to pretend I’ve completely dealt with all of it and let it go, but I know that I haven’t. I think I figure I should be “done” with it because I’m married. But that doesn’t mean it didn’t happen and hurt and needs more healing. All that to say, I get it.
Heather of the EO´s last blog post..Warming Up
by Heather of the EO on June 30, 2009 at 6:29 am. #
Oh gosh, Kim. You would HATE me as a friend. When I make a new friend I wait weeks/months to call, because I a) don’t want to appear too eager, and b) because I am forgetful, and c) because I don’t want them to reject me. Nothing worse than making a phone call for no reason and having the person’s reaction clearly be something like, “Uh, why are you calling me again?”
I have two friends who just threw me a surprise baby shower, friends who I ADORE, but who I am still slightly in awe of. (Why oh why do they like me enough to do that, why are they friends with me, etc., etc.) The shower was Saturday morning, I went out and bought thank you cards that night, and I am sitting here stewing in indecision over whether or not it is too soon to take the cards/gifts over to them. Because I don’t want to look too needy/eager/crazy. Now THAT is crazy-town stupid. If you ever get there – up to that level of being unkind to others just to preserve your own dignity – then maybe we can have some sort of contest over who is the most screwed up, friendship-building-wise. Hee.
Sue´s last blog post..I’m Not Quitting My Blog, I’m Just Sparing You Posts Like This One
by Sue on June 30, 2009 at 11:15 am. #
I hate sometimes how my past relationships color my present/future ones, but at the same time, I guess sometimes it works for me – I can be pretty sure not to trust the woman who is EXACTLY like the snarky girl from high school. I knew that I’d rather marry the kind guy than the financially secure one. Like that, you know?
You are full of grace, did you know?
Becca´s last blog post..UP redux
by Becca on June 30, 2009 at 5:12 pm. #
articulate and insightful and downright lyrical you are, my dear.
i’m finding this a difficult lesson to learn, the choosing of who i shall be instead of playing the victim of a damaging past. i seem to have to learn it anew almost daily. still, the sailing’s good, eh?
nic´s last blog post..why i’m partial to my brothers.
by nic on July 1, 2009 at 10:49 am. #
I have huge-gantic issues with abandonment, I think. I had a guy in college that was becoming a regular…dating weekly, romance progressing nicely…just suddenly stop calling. The lack of closure almost drove me crazy. I would rather have him insult me to my face than just quietly sulk away.
Hurrah for sailing!
charrette´s last blog post..A Metaphor
by charrette on July 1, 2009 at 5:40 pm. #
I love that you are so kind. You really are! Meanwhile, awareness of why you feel the way you do is more than half the battle . . . in time you will find that those feelings and triggers will melt away.
Heidi Ashworth´s last blog post..Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again
by Heidi Ashworth on July 1, 2009 at 8:23 pm. #
I love when you have realizations and posts like this. I hope that in realizing that you equate lack of contact with loss that you are able to redefine it. Usually (and probably in the context of this friend) it just means that life gets busy. And remember, contact works both ways. It won’t hurt a thing to just send her an email or give her a quick call to say hey, hadn’t talked to you in a while and just wanted to see how things were going, maybe we can get lunch (etc). I know that sometimes I get busy and am not so great at consistent keeping in touch and I enjoy those calls because they slow me down and remind me about what is most important.
Jaina´s last blog post..I’m Still Here
by Jaina on July 10, 2009 at 1:52 pm. #
It sounds like you worry a lot and have a lot of conversations with yourself in your head. You probably over analyze every interaction you have with someone … because you and I are way too alike :) !! I like how you are choosing to sail and use your own winds, though. I am doing better at that, too, but sometimes it is too easy to slip back into old ways.
An Ordinary Mom´s last blog post..My Baby Is One
by An Ordinary Mom on July 14, 2009 at 7:54 pm. #