By nature, I am a soul searcher. And I hate it. It’s exhausting and painful and humbling and sometimes even horrifying. I mean, as far as hobbies go, soul searching can be a bit of a downer. There are things I’d really rather not know about myself. Or at least, that’s how I’m feeling at the moment. I’m sure I’ll be grateful, later on, for all the opportunities for growth and all that. At the moment though? I’m having myself a big ole sulk.
Yesterday was a bit rough, soul searching wise. You see, there’s this gal I know who is, in many ways, not a person I like to spend time with. I know a great deal more about her than I’d like to. I know a great deal about her lying, her tendency to manipulate others for her own gain, and even certain criminal activities she has engaged in. Apart from all that, she rubs me the wrong way and I don’t like her much.
Things have come to head for this gal, and certain of her actions have been coming to light. And she knows that I know. We were at the same party last night and she kept tracking me down and talking my ear off. I was patient and polite, but made my excuses at the first opportunity. I was sure that she was trying to manipulate me. That her unusually friendly overtures had a nasty ulterior motive behind them. I was annoyed and even a little angry that she thought a little friendliness would change my opinion of what she had done.
Later that evening, I got to thinking about this woman’s life. It has been chock full of problems. Trial upon trial upon trial. She has had more stress in the last year than I’ve had in my whole life. She’s made some horrible, horrible choices, but suddenly it struck me that she must be horribly lonely. Her selfish focus in life has deprived her of friendships and kindness, love and generousity. She has struggled to take want she wants instead of giving people opportunities to give.
Perhaps last night wasn’t a manipulation. Perhaps it was a lonely woman who has made some bad choices, reaching out for friendship. And perhaps I was too cynical to see her behaviour for what it was.
I don’t know. I can’t know, really, what is in this woman’s heart. Her life is a tangle of lies right now, and the thought of trying to sort through them leaves me feeling tired and apathetic. But I couldn’t help taking a lesson from last night, and facing up to a not terribly nice aspect of myself.
I’ve grown cynical over the years. And worse, I kind of enjoy it. I talked to Neil about it last night before we went to bed. About how we sometimes enjoy being cynical because it makes us feel intelligent and superior. We feel like we’ve seen through someone, and we smirk and swagger a little at having seen what we believe to be the truth. And in that surge of prideful feelings we neglect to realize that we don’t know it to be the truth. We are human. Flawed. Limited. We don’t see half so clearly as we think we do.
I felt distinctly uncomfortable last night as I mulled all this over. I winced and grimaced and squirmed a bit as I saw myself more clearly than I would like to. I have a tendency to be arrogant and judgmental. I like taking the measure of a person and finding them wanting, because it makes me feel better about myself. I felt kind of sick, seeing that in myself. I thought I was nicer than that.
I guess there’s hope in the fact that I want to be.
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18 Comments
I just e-mailed you a big response. If you like, I can put it on here. . .
:)
Eowyn´s last blog post..~Snort~
darn…now I have to rethink my opinion of someone I have to deal with…Thsnks! :)
Soul Searching means you have a soft and malleable heart. It’s a good thing. True pride is not recognizing our mistakes and believing we don’t make them. Humility means acknowledging, turning our heart back in the right direction, and being willing to try again to do better. I think you’ve landed in the right spot on the grand scale of things.
Steph @ Diapers and Divinity´s last blog post..I’m alive and well . . . well, mostly well.
Ah, my sweet Kim. You are a good person with a great heart. This kind of soul-searching is characteristic of all those who would be better. Painful, yes. But it’s the kind of pain that helps us to grow. And I’m not telling you anything you don’t know already. ;)
Luisa Perkins´s last blog post..Creating and Consuming: Finding the Balance
Those last two paragraphs are especially powerful to me because I identify with them very much. I am rather cynical at times but like you, I am trying to be better.
Summer´s last blog post..Fit for His Needs
I try to live without judgment…but it’s hard sometimes. I can understand how you acted last night and the reasoning behind it. I can’t say I wouldn’t have acted in a similar manner. Despite your actions, I think the thing of true note is your reflection and evaluation of the situation. It gives evidence to the strength of your character and the depth of your self knowledge. And that in itself is an incredible thing. We don’t always act perfectly…but realizing it is the first step towards overcoming it as much as humanly possible.
Jaina´s last blog post..Pool Party
Sweetie, as usual you are being so hard on yourself. Right now you have some pretty huge things happening, ie being a mum to two tiny girls and crying a baby, so it’s ok to want things that you can control, ie what friendships you make and whether or not you take on other people’s burdens.
Maybe next time you see this woman you will give her a little time, but right now it’s ok to give in to your own needs a little too. x
Jo Beaufoix´s last blog post..Cake
Hmmm, and that should be ‘carrying’ a baby. It’s easy to cry ‘a baby’. Even men can do that, or mad Mummy Bloggers who are up far too late.
‘A baby’. “A baby.’
See.
x
Jo Beaufoix´s last blog post..Cake
I think I was in my thirties before I recognized that my clever, witty cynicism was really snarkiness disguised as intellect. I thought irony was adorable, but figured (and am still trying to remedy) that it’s actually a tool to increase my self-esteem. But confidence cannot be stolen. It must be earned.
Becca´s last blog post..Word Count Update
My sister-in-law was in town this weekend and she and my hubby got to talking about a woman they knew growing up. Then my SIL said, “I’m SO GLAD I don’t have to be the one to judge that.” It’s really stuck with me. Some people’s situations aren’t black and white. There’s a lot of gray in there. Since I’m not so good at interpreting shades of gray, I love my SIL’s idea of just letting go and saying, “phew! Thank goodness I’m not the one who has to figure all of that out!”
YOU, my dear, are wonderful. As you usual, this post was so beautiful and insightful. xoxoxox
For you of all people? There is most certainly hope.
Oh yikes, this hit a little too close to home for me as well. I enjoy my cynicism a bit too much as well, and then feel very uncomfortable. Food for thought.
Josi´s last blog post..Summer Treasure Hunt!
If only the rest of the world had such an honest and searching heart.
charrette´s last blog post..No Other Mother (please!)
It is hard to totally avoid judgmental moments. Righteous judgments are allowed, but where to draw the line?
The soul searcher is the tender-hearted person.
Kazzy´s last blog post..doan be cuh-razy
Oh lady. You are so good. Believe that. There are so many people who CANNOT see their own failings. You take inventory on yourself more often than anyone I know. This speaks humility to me.
Heather of the EO´s last blog post..Server
Hmmm … those last few paragraphs really hit home for me, too. I am a soul searcher and it drives me bonkers. I need to start really learning the lessons I keep receiving.
An Ordinary Mom´s last blog post..One Month Shy Of One
Kim, you may think you’re awful for seeing that part of yourself but you’re not. There’s someone very close to me that I love but who never sees those things in herself. She has gone through her whole life, missing the point. What is life without growth? How do we revel in the sweet if we can’t acknowledge the bitter? I am by no means, perfect, but I’d like to believe that I’m seeing my flaws and making corrections, trying to be better. That’s the mark of a truly great person to me, Kim. That’s why I admire and respect you. You’re not shallow–and though it hurts, you adjust and become better. It takes a huge person to say what you just did. I’m very very proud of you and I love you so much for being brave enough to become your best self.
Now if you’d only be nice to yourself, you’d be literally PERFECT!
L.T. Elliot´s last blog post..Update WIFYR
It’s time we consider every person we meet , a “soul”. not just some tangible being. When we treat a person as a soul, we will be more sensitive with his inner self rather than what we see outside. Your story is a perfect example that soul growth is a spiritual challenge of the modern times.
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