Deciding isn’t Enough
by Kym on July 23, 2009
Someone intimated in one of their comments that the hard road journey I mentioned in my last post must be a deeply personal one, as I didn’t identify it. They were quite supportive of that, which made me feel a bit silly. After all, most regular readers know that I have NO shame.
I’m not much for keeping secrets. This one was kept out of a desire to say something slightly more poetic than “I’m going to stop being such a whiny sot and just get things done already.” That’s it really. Nothing grandiose or life shattering. Not the sort of life’s ambition that songs and poems are composed over. But it’s mine and I both accept and admit it. My main struggle in this life is laziness.
And you know, despite that terribly moving post (I’m so humble, aren’t I?) that had me all full of tears and trembly, and yearning, no NEEDING to be better. I still had trouble getting out of bed this morning. I broke recent tradition though (pregnancy has instilled some terribly bad habits) and got out of bed the instant I heard my children stirring. I served a hot breakfast and even managed to do it before Neil left for work. I dressed the kids. Settled them into some non-tv related playtime, and did some dishes.
Horribly difficult as it may be, self-mastery feels amazing.
That said, I am fighting a very strong urge to go back to bed. EVENTHOUGH I know better. Eventhough I’ve found joy in doing the simple tasks of the day. Eventhough my kids seem just a smidgen happier than usual this morning. As I fought that urge to return to my naturally lazy state it hit me. Deciding is not enough. It isn’t enough just to choose to change. To want to be better. It requires a constant series of actions and, being by nature lazy, that’s where I’ve always faltered. In that subconscious realization that one grand jesture of decision is not enough to carry me through.
Dang.
Maybe it’s not that deciding isn’t enough. Maybe it’s that deciding once isn’t enough. I have to decide every day and every moment of every day. That’s a lot of decisions! And while intellectually I know that certain things will become habit after awhile, the contemplating of all that decision making is a bit overwhelming. I’m not just lazy by nature, I’m also indecisive.
And in all honesty. I don’t know if I can pull it off. I’m thirty years old and I don’t know that about myself. But the only reason I don’t know is because a true attempt has never been made. Little half-hearted ones here and there, of course, but I’ve always given up and reverted before I’ve made significant progress. I suppose that’s a pretty normal pathway through life. Three steps forward and two steps back and all that. I’m not content with that anymore though. And maybe that’s the laziness talking again. I’m tired of all those steps back. And I know they’re unavoidable, but I’m wondering if I can master myself enough that they don’t happen QUITE so frequently.
Like I said, I really don’t know. I claim to be so self-aware. I call it a blessing and a curse both. But there are so very many things I have yet to learn.
For instance, will I drag myself away from my usual morning indulgence of blog reading and get some housework done before the afternoon heat wave hits? I know that I can, but will I choose to? Will that be one of the myriad of decisions that make up my day?
I hope so. It may be physically restful, but laziness is mentally exhausting!
Update: I’ve worked to the point of sweating today. Built the new vacuum that just arrived and vacuumed half the house so far (accidentally vacuumed up one of Neil’s ties – taking a break from vacuuming for awhile). All sorts of little I’ve-been-putting-this-off-WAY-too-long things are getting accomplished. Forgot how much I hate sweating. Forgot how good, regardless, it feels to work so hard.
16 comments
I sometimes think that everyone’s biggest issue is laziness. But then I think about the people who go to the opposite extreme and then I have hope that maybe that person and I can get together in the middle and he/she can help me to speed up and I can help him/her to slow down.
I can’t decide if that’s profound or just rambling. . .
by Eowyn on July 23, 2009 at 8:05 am. #
This. Is. Me. Holy cow, woman. You’ve described my struggles and desires so perfectly. I’m a lazy, lazy person. With a messy house. And kids who deserve more.
Thanks for inspiring me to be better, and for setting such a great example!
xoxox
by Brillig on July 23, 2009 at 8:58 am. #
maybe it will help if you allow yourself to nap…say between 1 and 2/3?? knowing you have a nap n the horizon might make it easier to make it through the morning.
the only time I ever nap is when I’m pregnant, and being pregnant in the heat makes the need double…if not triple. (2x if not more in the 2nd % 3rd trimesters)so, from a doula/childbirth educator point of view napping is essential to your body/baby at this point. maybe add some extra protein/fruit to your morning to help you make it through…and extra water!!
it is NOT lazy for a preggo mama to be tired and nappy, just make the most out of the moments when your not ?
xo
by Jenn on July 23, 2009 at 9:49 am. #
Every time I read your blog, I’m humbled by what an amazing, honest woman you are. I’m inspired by how you honestly endeavor to become your best self. When so many people can wander through life, you forge a path and you don’t let yourself off easy. You’re amazing, Kim. Simply amazing. And I want to be just like you when I grow up.
by L.T. Elliot on July 23, 2009 at 9:52 am. #
Deciding once is never enough. We decide so many things over and over – and specifically, I’m thinking about deciding to love someone(s) in my home. It is a choice like every other one, and it has to be re-validated every day.
by Becca on July 23, 2009 at 9:59 am. #
“Maybe it’s not that deciding isn’t enough. Maybe it’s that deciding once isn’t enough. I have to decide every day and every moment of every day. That’s a lot of decisions! And while intellectually I know that certain things will become habit after awhile, the contemplating of all that decision making is a bit overwhelming. I’m not just lazy by nature, I’m also indecisive.”
I think I’m going to have to print that out and read it. Every day. Every time I start to decide to be lazy or take the easy road. I’m going to read this. Have to decide over and over again. I think I’m going to suck it up and decide to get up 30 minutes early to Shred in the morning. Because I’ve made the decision to slack off for much too long. Thanks Kym :)
by Jaina on July 23, 2009 at 12:20 pm. #
You are SO GOOD at expressing what we all feel and struggle with. And you inspire me too!
by Jenna Consolo on July 23, 2009 at 2:42 pm. #
i’m trying to say something zerilda-ish here. but i can’t get that *quote* out of my mind! it’s a great quote.
i must kick it up a notch.
thanks for this. :)
by Zerilda The Superfluous Blogger on July 23, 2009 at 2:59 pm. #
Oh yes, self mastery DOES feel good. I’m going to get up tomorrow when my kids get up! Just because you gave me that extra little kick in the pants to help me do it!
by Erin on July 23, 2009 at 5:27 pm. #
I loved your last line, that being lazy is exhausting. Oh my gosh, that is so totally true! What irony.
by Kazzy on July 23, 2009 at 9:52 pm. #
Yes, it’s that deciding each and every moment of the day that is hard. I definitely prefer to be lazy at times.
by Summer on July 25, 2009 at 8:30 am. #
Probably pthers have said this before but I am thinking what you call lazy, I called tired. There is a never ending list of things a wife/mother/keeper of the home must do–it just never ends. NEVER! It is totally overwhelming for all of us (except those really rare birds who are born organized and domestic but even my sister with the nine kids who are quieter than my three put together and who bakes and cooks three meals a day and has her kids all doing chores before they catch the school bus and is probably Martha Stewart’s sister if I didn’t know she is mine has a basement that looks like a tornado hit it)and truly is a challenge that we all must work out somehow. In the old days, anyone who wasn’t dirty, filthy poor had servants. Those who were dirty filthy poor had kids and more kids to help them out. Also, they weren’t expected to do anything else—no book groups or blogging or callings or visiting teaching or driving the kids hither and yon. Honest to pete, we weren’t built to do all that is expected of your average stay at home mom (not to mention a working one!).
by Heidi Ashworth on July 26, 2009 at 3:18 pm. #
You know, I often feel (and I know this is so untrue) that I am the only mother in the world who can’t seem to keep everything together; that doesn’t have a perfectly clean house and kids that are always happy well kept. I am glad this is not true. The best we can do is our best. Finding a moment to slow down is important though. Don’t try to go at full throttle right now. When your pregnant you need your rest. It is okay to pace yourself.
by rose on July 27, 2009 at 9:38 am. #
Here’s a trite aphorism that, despite the cornball factor, has helped me a TON. I repeat – A TON.
“Inch by inch, life’s cinch. Yard by yard, life is hard.”
by Bickmo on July 28, 2009 at 8:26 am. #
I am the queen of deciding I need a lifestyle change. But then I am also the queen of being lazy. You are so very right. I need to make good decisions every day, every moment. And often times I need to make the same decision over and over again. Maybe then some of these lessons I am learning over and over again will stick :) !!
by An Ordinary Mom on August 24, 2009 at 1:13 pm. #
I was aware about this already, but still there were a few useful bits which completed the image to me, thanks!
by Crystalite Block Buster on June 24, 2011 at 10:06 pm. #