Lost and Found
by Kym on July 17, 2009
I lost a friend recently. I’d like to say that’s something I’m not in the habit of doing but in all honesty, in this particular friendship, it’s something that tends to happen quite frequently. My friend is broken, you see. And she has been asking me to help fix her. And I’ve been trying. Oh how I’ve been trying. And oh how she hates that I’ve been trying. It only highlights the differences between us, you see, that she’s sitting there in pieces and I’m holding the glue pot.
Former feelings of friendship and love have somehow morphed into anger and envy for her. For me, it’s become a matter of sadness and nothing more. That sadness has come from a place of deep hurt and confusion. But I’m not hurt anymore. I’m not confused anymore. Because I understand her. In her, exaggerated by her hurts, is something that I think is in all of us. We don’t want to be hurt. We don’t want to be told that we are wrong. We ask for honesty but we sometimes flinch away from it. We transfer our anger against ourselves to others. We are annoyed by the person who secretly reminds us of ourselves.
I can’t claim to be faultless. I am too blunt sometimes. Too quick to offer advice. But I have learned so much about friendship this past year, and I’ve been lifted out of those aforementioned realms of hurt and confusion by a singular smidgen of understanding. Good friends, true friends, make us feel good about ourselves. We yearn to spend time with them. We can’t wait till the next phone call, email (blog post?), or lunch date.
That’s what we lost, my friend and I. I could be angry, quite easily, for the things that she has said. I could hurl accusation upon accusation at her. Say how dare she be angry at me for such silly reasons. But in a moment of clarity I saw that those bits of silliness were not the REAL reason. The real reason we’ve lost each other is because I don’t make her feel good about herself (too honest, Kim, too honest), and she does not make me feel good about myself. Everything else aside, that is the sum total of the problem (as I see it, anyway).
Last year this same thing happened. Anger and bitterness on her part, hurt and confusion on mine. In a way, I am grateful to her now. She has taught me about the sort of person, and friend, I want to be.
I see her so clearly now, and as I do so, the anger melts away and I find I just want to weep for all that she has lost and continues to lose. Even as I am grateful to her for all that she has helped me find.
21 comments
Some people go their whole lives and never learn that kind of lesson! Thanks for sharing it.
Heffalump´s last blog post..Wordless Wednesday
by Heffalump on July 17, 2009 at 3:10 pm. #
It’s hard to let friendships go, even when they become toxic . . . kudos to you for letting go of the hurt and confusion as well . . .
*HUGS* to you my friend . . . because I can’t wait until I get to see you again! ;)
Kate´s last blog post..Who I Am
by Kate on July 17, 2009 at 3:40 pm. #
I’m sorry, Kim, even when it makes sense, it’s hard. I admire your insight and wish both of you the best.
Josi´s last blog post..Follow, Follow Me!
by Josi on July 17, 2009 at 4:05 pm. #
I’m glad you can see clearly through this difficult event.
Summer´s last blog post..A Feature and a Picture
by Summer on July 17, 2009 at 6:42 pm. #
This hits so close to home right now, you have no idea.
Annette´s last blog post..Writing Journey: Part XXI
by Annette on July 17, 2009 at 7:37 pm. #
((?))
Jenn´s last blog post..~taking action~
by Jenn on July 17, 2009 at 9:08 pm. #
Oh. My. Gosh. You seriously have no idea how real this is to me. My used-to-be BFF lives maybe ten houses from me and we are done. She is broken, I am quick to try and help. She says she feels judged by me, that I make her feel worse about herself. There have been reconciliations a few times, but we are through with that. Now we wave when we pass in the car, but that’s it. At first I was heart-broken, but now I am relieved. I wish her the best, but I have to remove myself for my own soul’s sake.
You are a better person than I am. I can tell because of how well you seem to have come to terms. Ugh. It really stinks.
Kazzy´s last blog post..losing mariah, an intro
by Kazzy on July 18, 2009 at 6:56 am. #
I’ve learned to run, not walk, in the other direction from these kinds of friendships. I have too many good ones to force the bad ones, so I guess I’m lucky. But that lesson took a long time to learn.
Melanie J´s last blog post..For Debbie, who said I can’t take a bad picture…
by Melanie J on July 18, 2009 at 8:48 am. #
And somehow, there’s still the “saver” piece inside that wants to be able to make everyone else all right. I am so grateful for the bigger picture that shows when saving someone else means losing me. You know?
Becca´s last blog post..A Vacation Event
by Becca on July 18, 2009 at 9:26 am. #
Wisdom is costly, yes? You’re such a fine person.
Luisa Perkins´s last blog post..Quilts Have Borders; Friendship Does Not
by Luisa Perkins on July 18, 2009 at 11:45 am. #
It’s a tough lesson to have to learn, but maybe now you’ll get closure with this woman and will be able to move on.
<3
Thalia’s Child´s last blog post..Toilets, toilets everywhere, but ne’er a place to pee
by Thalia's Child on July 18, 2009 at 1:04 pm. #
This makes sense, and helps me sort through some confusion in my own heart about a relationship I thought would never change. The only thing that keeps us together right now seems to be our shared love for her kiddos. It has changed so much just in the past couple of months, and I haven’t been able to articulate the whys and hows of it all. But you just did. Thank you.
Inkling´s last blog post..And This Was Going To Be A Long Post
by Inkling on July 18, 2009 at 4:13 pm. #
Not sure what to say here except that I love you. :)
Eowyn´s last blog post..The Hunt
by Eowyn on July 19, 2009 at 12:45 pm. #
I once lost a friend in a manner like this. it is still difficult and heartbreaking even now. In a moment of despair, my father once told me, “some people just aren’t good for each other.” It hurt to know that we weren’t–that some things can’t be reclaimed–but he was right. Some people aren’t good for each other. Some times there isn’t a bridge to go back. I’m glad for you that there isn’t anger and I’m proud of you for still seeing that love and friendship once bloomed. Remember that part.
L.T. Elliot´s last blog post..Brilliant Truth
by L.T. Elliot on July 19, 2009 at 11:03 pm. #
“Good friends, true friends, make us feel good about ourselves. We yearn to spend time with them. We can’t wait till the next phone call, email (blog post?), or lunch date.”
You just turned on a light bulb for me. I’m so sorry that you have lost this friend, but I’m glad that you are doing okay.
Jaina´s last blog post..Photostory Friday: Let Them Eat Cake
by Jaina on July 20, 2009 at 3:12 pm. #
“because I don’t make her feel good about herself…and she does not make me feel good about myself”
brilliant. yes. and this is just what happens sometimes. it would be very exhausting if we were friends forever with everyone we ever met. some friendships have a time limit, unfortunately.
but : “(too honest, Kim, too honest),”
unnecessary. you are the lovely person you are. you can’t change how honest you are just to keep this person in your life. you might not keep the next person because you changed. i don’t know if mentioned this much, but you do know you’re a wee bit hard on yourself, yes?
just checking.
but otherwise, please do try to be more perfect. no, more than that. …little more. okay that’s too perfect, you’ve ruined it.
by Zerilda The Superfluous Blogger on July 21, 2009 at 10:22 am. #
oh wow, I hate when I have to play catch up so I don’t miss things in your life because I feel like I’m missing things! I’m glad you’re able to see past this and able to empathize with your friend. I wish you the very best with this situation.
julie wright´s last blog post..Winning Rocks
by julie wright on July 21, 2009 at 3:45 pm. #
Lovely.
That is all.
by charrette on July 22, 2009 at 1:28 pm. #
Awww Kim, I’m sorry. I think we’ve all had this experience and it’s never easy. I’ve learned over the years that some friends come and go and are in your reason for just one reason or a season and then they are gone. The good news is that there are those that will be in your life forever.
by Tonya on July 22, 2009 at 5:40 pm. #
These things happen as we learn and grow out of one another. It’s just life . .
by Heidi Ashworth on July 26, 2009 at 3:22 pm. #
“Good friends, true friends, make us feel good about ourselves. We yearn to spend time with them. We can’t wait till the next phone call, email (blog post?), or lunch date.”
So simple and yet so profound. There is a lot I can glean from this post. Instead of me focusing so much on why I feel hurt and slighted by others, I should focus on how I can make others feel good about themselves.
by An Ordinary Mom on August 24, 2009 at 12:48 pm. #